I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I never thought, in a million years, that life could or would ever be this good. I almost feel guilty writing that...isn’t that silly? I think my life has had good moments all along, but I never allowed myself to feel happy about them. I’m not sure when I finally decided to allow myself to feel happy without the guilt. I think I just realized that no matter how undeserving, or how many other people deserved it more than me, God has chosen to bless me. Who am I to say ‘no thanks’? There is always room for improvement, of course. But, I am happy to be in a place where I can comfortably recognize where improvements can take place and work to make my way towards a better version of myself. I’m starting to feel comfortable, at times, in my own skin. I want to know what that feels like all the time. How does confident feel?
I dress up like a super hero. It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud to people, or try to explain what I mean. It is about as ridiculous as it sounds. I wonder, sometimes, what people must think, and then I forget about it and carry on in my super hero ways. Every once in a while I almost get embarrassed about what I do. I look at myself in the mirror when I’m all dressed up, and ready to go on, and I chuckle, because it just seems so ridiculous. Then, I get up in front of those kids, or I have a one-on-one conversation with them, or I sign something, or get my picture taken with them, and I can tell that they feel...special. These kids are special, every single one of them. If I can do something to help them feel that way, or see their worth, then I will do it, no matter how ridiculous others may think it is.
Opening myself up to dating again, or the possibility of love, has also opened up to me lonely nights that I haven’t experienced in a long time. It’s like I suddenly am aware of what I might be missing, or could potentially have one day. I think I finally see falling in love as a potentially good thing. I remind myself on those nights how full my life is, and I appreciate the time alone, even if I am a little lonely. If I don’t allow myself to get trapped in my own mind, nights like those can often be the most productive, or end up being the nights where I gain the most perspective. Some of my loneliest moments in life have been in a crowded room, or lying next to someone, completely un-alone, and totally lonely.
Blessed!
