They sang 'Mad World' today in church. I'm starting to find some love for Kensington.
I'm
not so caught up in my own stuff to think that they're might not be
several people today who I can bless. I hate those days when I do get
so caught up, and fail to recognize the people I pass by that day who
might need me.
I deserve this....with the money situation I find myself in these days. I have had
chances to have money, and make up for bad choices. I haven't changed
my behavior when it comes to money. It needs to be a priority. It's time to stop blaming everyone and everything else, and learn a new way to live.
Grace is unfair. Jesus has a different economy. Thank goodness.
That
message, I realized, I was not putting out there.....I was posting so
much.....anger. I deleted those. I have accepted responsibility. I
know the person I am....in the worst and best way.
Occupy Detroit is meeting at the coffee shop right across the street from the Opera House. I watch as people dressed to the nines walk into the Opera House for an event, and the home-sewn group passing by me to get to the meeting. I wonder where I fit.
You will find what you are meant to do where"...your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." I used to think it was just where the world's deep hunger is, but I realize now, it can also, and should also be where my deep gladness reigns.
6 hour wait at the UIA (Unemployment Office) to ask a simple question about taxes. There is only one UIA office in all of Detroit. Something is terribly, terribly wrong here.
I am part of a 20/20 group. There are 20 of us (actually the number is higher now) who give $20 a month. A name is drawn from the group, and that person gets to choose where the money is given that month. I love this idea!
Elie told her mom I was her favorite babysitter....ever. It's the little things :)
Weird to see Rick Hamilton in a Bulls jersey. With Lebron's new beard, he looks Amish.
Finally unpacked and cleaned my room - it's February. I moved in late November.
Eli Manning seems like just a likable guy. Go Giants!
It always makes me giggle when I find out a guy is following me on Pinterest. I'm intrigued to see what kind of boards he keeps.
Levi is now getting dressed by himself, zipping up his own coat, and saying 'yellow' and 'red', and 'three, thirteen, and thirty'. He can count to 100, both singly and by tens. It's the little things....
I
actually think So Random on Disney is funnier than SNL. Plus they book
a lot of bands who are up and coming, and not as well known. The show genuinely makes me laugh sometimes. I can't believe these teenagers are living my dream.
I had been sick 3 different times with three bugs during December and January.
Definitely got mooned by a four year old today.
1John 4:18 There is no fear in love.
Working with a student on monologues....it's what I'm meant to do. My true joy is found in the middle of our workshop.
I'll
remember the image of the train heading towards the station, and the
attendant hanging out the door waving, probably forever. Kind of like
the memory of when I was just about to step out onto the stage for the
opening number of "Bat Boy", and I suddenly pictured stepping out onto a
professional stage, feeling the energy of the crowd, and the warmth of
the lights. Somewhere inside of me i knew it's going to happen. This
trip might change my life....or not. Either way this memory is planted for good.
I haven't listened to music the entire
6 hour trip to Chicago...no headphones whatsoever. It's amazing what
you observe and experience when you don't shut yourself off to the
world.
I'm just watching everyone in the holding room, observing
them as they mentally prepare for their audition. I am completely
relaxed and enjoying every minute of this. Hysterical to observe
behavior in other people. Man, I love performance so much!!! I hope
they see that, if nothing else. I hope they see how much I love, and
need, to become another life, tell someone's story. I am so lucky to be
here!!
With rejection comes a certain amount of clarity, if you
let it. My first audition is a no, and it's the best thing that could
have happened to me. It means I have to fight a little bit, and make
sure this is what I want. This was a good experience to remind me what
I'm getting myself into by jumping into this business full time. If
this opportunity were handed to me after the very first audition, it
would not prepare me for the reality of how this business works. I can
lay here in bed and blame my training, or lack of training, and blame
everyone including myself, and make excuses, or I can get up, brush
myself off, learn something, and get downtown so I can try again. I
feel like, for the first time, people are being honest with me about my
acting, and I want more. I can't believe there's a possibility that I
might be able to have the opportunity to take three years and
concentrate solely on my journey as a performer, as an actor, and study
with others who are just as passionate about finding themselves in this
art as I am. I don't want to waste one second of my time, if i am so
lucky to be earn a spot in an MFA program, but even in this part of the
process. This chance to audition, stay in the city, meet other artists,
and observe and gain feedback is just as important. The journey has
already begun. This process can wear you down. Last night, by the time
I crawled into bed, I was pretty beat up. Thank goodness we get a new
chance every day. I'm refreshed after a good night's rest, and I'm
ready to take what I can from today. It's so important to take care of
yourself if you're going to enter this process. I have been taking care
of myself, and it will serve me well. To God be the glory!! Lucky,
lucky me.
I think the idea of settling into a three year
intensive program intrigues me because there is part of me that likes
the idea of the same job, the same apartment, and starting or helping an
organization in one community for a while. It would be nice if things
would slow down for longer than a few months or a year at a time.
You've
got to be open to every opportunity. I snagged a seat where I can see
the final auditions through the window. It's interesting to watch. I
wish I would have known that so many other schools would be here
offering private auditions. Many non URTA schools are here, as well, in
a different hotel. You had to schedule an audition ahead of time with
them, though, and apply to their school. It's interesting to think of
how I felt when the train was pulling into Birmingham to pick me up, the
attendant hanging out the door waving, and how I feel now, pulling back
into Birmingham knowing nothing's changed. Well, that's not entirely
true....I've changed. How is it, that in my four years studying in a
theatre program, I never learned how to audition?
Just caught myself humming the theme to "Night Court". Man, I love that show.
I'm
intrigued by processes, i.e. How to keep track of passengers on a
train, auditions for theatre, online services for restaurants, how to
take a Gallup poll, standardized testing, riding in a cab, delivering a baby, etc. there are
processes to everything. I am always interested in the way something
is done, the How. Who figured out the process? What made that way THE
way something is to be done? Is it the most efficient and/or effective?
I don't really want to talk about a problem unless I am discussing a solution.
9 weeks.....9 weeks.....9 weeks.....you can do it. Just hold on, girl, and take advantage of what you have now.....
I need to go out dancing....like, today.
Another
night of 3 o'clock in the morning ideas. This old Tiger Stadium thing
might actually work, and the after school theatre program at 1515, and
the motivational assembly for middle schools. It seems I have had a ton
of great ideas in the last ten years. I think it's time to pick a few
of those projects and get focused. Yeah, I said it. It's time to have
something to show for the energy and skills God gave me. It's time to
plug in for the long haul. The worst that could happen is nothing comes
of any of them. I guess that would be no worse than the nothing I am
doing now. I just don't want the reason I am jumping onto these
projects to be that the MFA thing became hard. I went to ONE audition
and was rejected. Maybe it was just not the right programs, or the
right time. Maybe I need to plug into a community and the Masters Degree comes along
in time. Maybe I don't need one, and going back to school just seemed
like the best option out there right now. Maybe I need to fight for it,
and then plug into whatever community I end up living. Why do I feel
so pulled to downtown Detroit, then? I have no investment or history
with this community. Where is that pull coming from? I just want to
make sure my intentions are legit, and it's not just me running from
something. I want to run towards something for a change.
Heading into a waste not, want not phase in my life. I hope it's here to stay. I like it.
On
the weekends I actually start to feel like a normal person again,
especially if I get some one on one time with a great friend. During
the week I just get too much down time in my own head all day. Too much
free thinking time is not good for someone like me. I love to day
dream, don't get me wrong, but I'm often too cruel and unforgiving of
myself to be given too much time trapped with my own thoughts and
nothing more.
Anger is just not worth holding onto, no matter
what has happened. It takes a lot of energy to hold onto it, energy
that could be better spent loving, instead. Let go, and find the peace
that comes with loving, especially if the person you need to love is you. "And this is love:
that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the
beginning, His command is that you walk in love.". -2 John, verse 6
Things
I think I take for granted while I'm a live in nanny (or at least
choose not to worry about while I don't have to worry about them):
always stocked toilet paper and Kleenex, turning my thermostat upstairs
to whatever I want, the awesome car I drive, living in a very safe
neighborhood that plows their streets by 3am, and comes by again at 5am,
a fully stocked fridge with healthy food (including fresh fruit!), a
down comforter, a very up to date washer and dryer and free soap, no
utility bill or rent, free wireless Internet......man, there are
definitely things I am going to miss once I lose them. It's all worth
it to have my life back.
