"I See Skies of Blue...Clouds of White..."

I am just at home this morning, finally!  I was folding some laundry, and attempting to sort and tuck away some of the boxes still stacked in my room, when I looked at my computer and said 'Sit down and write a stinkin' blog update'.  So, here I am.  The sun is shining through my amazing wall of windows, Pandora is playing a Dance Cardio mix, the fan is blowing on me, and I'm sitting on my real bed that I finally retrieved from my mom's.  The weather is perfect, a balmy 80 degrees.  My plans today consist of attending my roommate, Adam's, ice hockey game with another roommate, Doug, and then taking Doug to the airport, going to rehearsal (yay!) and then heading to the lake house to end the night cuddled up on the couch with Bill.  Best day ever!!!

I can't lie, life is so good right now it's almost making me anxious, but just when I feel myself even growing a little anxious about it, I remind myself that it's okay that life is good right now, and I should just smile and enjoy it.  It's a little overwhelming that it's all coming together all at once, though.  It's kind of like my sister's experience on the trail.  They really need to sit and enjoy the rests, and the kindness and generosity from others, and the refreshment, because it's not always going to be like that.  The good helps you get through the tough, you know?  I remind myself that there are peaks and valleys, and it's okay to relish in the peaks, and also appreciate the valleys.  I appreciate life so much right now, it's overwhelming.  I am so blessed, and so.....happy.  I know there are sad people in the world, and people who have so much less than me, and I think about people like that all throughout the day.  I choose to do what I can with what I have, and realize I can't control others and/or how they choose to feel.  I can only do the best I can, give within my means, recognize the blessings in my own life, and be thankful.

I have played this little game recently that requires me to say yes when anyone offers anything to me, whether help, or resources, to be part of something I'm doing, or even just assistance carrying something or opening a door.  I've been doing it for about a month, and it's changing my life.  Seriously.  It's amazing how often I have refused others' help in the past.  It's amazing how blessed all parties can feel if you just relent and allow someone to help.  

A few weeks ago, I had one of the best visits with my mom and my nephew.  I just hung out with my nephew and had a nice conversation with my mom.  It was great!  She was listening to me, and I was listening to her.  I just really looked at her and realized how hard life has been on her.  She is still my mom, though, and still has that twinkle in her eye, you know?  I love her for it, and hope she continues to be true to herself.  I want to celebrate her.  I want to let her rest, and stop being so hard on her.  I want to stop expecting her to be everything to me, and just let her be.  I want to to do that with everyone in my life.  I think that's where this happiness is coming from.  I gave up acceptance.  I don't need others to validate me for me to feel whole.  I've stopped expecting so much from everyone, and just enjoy listening and getting to truly know everyone.  It's amazing how pleasantly surprised I've become at every turn.  I'm so lucky!

Bill has become another surprise.  I have known him for 14 years, and it's like I'm seeing him for the first time.  It's like suddenly I can't wait to introduce him to....EVERYONE!!  He is the best man I know, I mean truly good to the core, and the hardest worker I have ever come across, and he wants to be with ME!!!  :)  He is romantic, strong, well respected, and good.  It's weird.  I don't know when this change came about, very recently, no doubt.  Part of me starts to feel almost guilty about it.  I mean, as little as a month ago I thought my heart belonged to someone else.  How could that change so suddenly?  Is that even possible?  The best part, it's all very subtle, very quiet.  It's growing in a slow, steady way.  It's not this leaping for joy love that explodes out of me.  Bill makes me....calm.  I'm still silly, and energetic, but deep down, where it counts, my heart is...calm.  There is a song from a Broadway play called "It's a Quiet Thing".  It's about love being quiet and lasting, not some clang of bells, or fireworks that we grow up hearing about.  It doesn't even feel real that I'm typing this right now.  I'm just taking it one moment, one day, one week at a time.  No more analyzing!  Feeling blessed that such a good man has waited all this time...for me.  Lucky me!!!!!  (He brought me up to see mom on Mother's day and helped me bring back a bed and dresser for my room.  I let him do it all, and just enjoyed every second of it.  It was a great visit.  We just sat and talked with my mom on Sunday before we left.  It just seemed so right for those two to finally meet.  It was all so...right.)

I had my play with the kids at work on Friday.  It could not have gone any better!!!!  Seriously, what is happening?  So much joy and goodness.  The kids faces said it all.  We had over 100 people in attendance, and I refused to freak out during the whole process.  We even had an impromptu dance party on stage while people were walking in, before the whole thing got started.  I worked very hard, was blessed with a great team helping me out, and had a blast.  That's what life is all about, right?

My roommate, Stuart just poked his head in and invited me to a fundraiser at a great place.  I'm being responsible and said no.  I need to spend at least one full hour on this crazy room.  I don't get any time during the week due to work and rehearsal.  It's nice that I'm starting to be included with things my roommates are doing.  We all just sat on the porch last night while the sun set, and I had a root beer float.  It was glorious.  Again, I get a funny feeling in my gut that this is all too good, then I immediately tell that funny feeling to go away, and I move on with my awesome day.  

I go to Eastern on Wednesday to take care of some details...like registering for classes!!!  I have been approved for enough loans to take care of the first year, plus some help with living expenses, if I need it.  No matter what, my first year is taken care of!!!!!  :) :) :)  I know once I get there and start working, they will be throwing money at me to continue my work at that school.  I know how good I am, and my potential is endless.  I can't wait for the opportunity to work and learn so much, and help people in the process!!!!!  What a great opportunity I have in front of me.  I don't want to take any of it for granted!!  :)  

Lately, I have felt really connected to my family.  I have reached out and they are reaching back.  I have watched too many of my relatives and friends die unhappy and unhealthy.  I don't know why I wasn't in their lives more, but I wasn't.  I can't change what happened, but I can change what happens now.  I don't have much in the way of family, so there's no reason why I can't stay connected to the family I have with me now.  I think I have always kept everyone at arms length because then it's a bit easier to handle when they leave or pass away.  The truth is, it's not easier, so why not bless those closest to me while I can?

I'm learning so much about love, and life, and the world.  I want to learn more!!!  I'm so appreciative that I have lived long enough to come to this place of enlightenment, you know?  Now, I get to apply it all to my life and see how far I can take it!  I just want to stay grounded, dream big, stay positive and keep this light in my heart, and never stop loving and listening to others.

"...and I think to myself....what a wonderful world...." 

For I Know the Plans I Have For You....

There is a video I posted on Facebook of a little curly-haired blonde girl in her pajamas singing to herself in the mirror about how she loves everything in her life, and how she is good at things, and it's hysterical.  That little girl is totally me, and how I have always been since I was very little, no matter what's happened to me.  I still have moments like that, of thankfulness and pure joy and confidence, dancing and making up songs in my bedroom, even when nobody is looking.  I have a light and an optimism inside of me that is virtually unmatched in anyone I know.  It's real, and it's still there, even after everything that's happened.  Though that light-haired dancing optimist gets a little lost sometimes, especially recently, she still shows up from time to time, and I'm starting to find her again, all by myself.

I don't need this city to work for me in order for me to feel good about my life.  This city needs me.  I don't need some grand success by the world's standards to feel validated.  All the little things I do for others (including strangers) every day means more than any great role, job, house, or success I could have in this world.  I don't need other people to feel good about me.  People need me to feel good about them.  I don't need to punish myself or feel ashamed, that's God's job, not mine, and He never wants me to feel that way.  Lately, I've been feeling some growing pains, as if I'm at the edge of some big change.  I've been feeling it coming for a while.  Well, this is it.  It's the realization of my life's true purpose.  It took me to completely break down, and end up truly alone, to realize it.  I broke on Friday night.  I was already breaking because of all the new things in my life.  January was one of the worst month's of my life, and it seemed, even though I was trying my hardest to move forward, everything was just getting worse with my sister leaving, Jeff's illness, couch surfing and sleeping at my office, trying and failing to make new friends and trying to keep in touch with old ones, trying and failing to re-enter the crazy dating world, stress and big changes at work, acclimating to a new living environment, my brother-in-law's heart problems, thinking about Kevin and knowing I couldn't save him, not having enough money, the stress of organizing stuff for grad school and plan B and C, school loans, you name it.  I've been on the verge of breaking, but somehow managing to barely hold on, for a couple of months.  I think the only thing helping me hold on was exercising, eating right, and throwing little prayers out there, most of the time.  Then, on Friday I was sick in the morning, and I found out a new group of friends (one friend especially who I absolutely adored) was saying and thinking things about me that weren't true, and then I went to my old house one last time, alone, to clean and pack everything.  I broke.  I've never felt so completely alone in this world as I did when I went to sleep that night.

I needed that, though.  Because, I woke up very early in the morning, and I was still here, and I was okay.  I looked brighter that morning because I was, much brighter.  God needed me to be utterly alone so I could realize I'm never actually alone, and every person is still in need of me, even the ones who treat me poorly.  God needed me to be utterly alone so that He could finally show me what my true purpose is in this life.  I always thought I would be someone important, do some big things in my life.  Well, I have, and I will.  The world may not recognize it, or even appreciate it, but I'm doing things right.  This is what I'm meant to do with my life:  Love God, and love people.  It's simple.  Sometimes the world can make you feel like so many other things are more important.  I just want to make people happy, or rather, help people find happiness within themselves.  If I would have stopped to think about it, I would have realized, that is my purpose.  I know what people need in their lives when I meet them, and I try to give it to them.  Here I've been fighting and trying so hard to get to this next awesome step or journey in my life, trying to be successful, or smarter, or fix all my mistakes, or be more lovable, or famous, or whatever.  My life's purpose has been in front of me the whole time.  I offer light, and peace, motivation, and joy, and sometimes I offer perspective and advice when it's appropriate.  I just have to remember not to offer all of myself to every person I meet without first going back to God to regain strength and perspective.  A friend of mine asked me not too long ago if I have ever been in love.  I think, the trouble with me is, I fall in love with every person I meet.  That's both tragic and wonderful, excruciating and exhilarating.

I'm lucky.  My life's purpose is easy, and completely doable.  Every day there's somebody who needs me.  Today I met an older gentleman who had just been to a memorial for one of his buddies.  His heart was broken.  I'm so glad I met him and listened to stories about his friend.  He just wanted someone to know how great this guy was, and that he didn't deserve to die the way he did.  All he needed from me was for me to listen, and truly care about what he was saying.  Why did I always try to make everything so difficult?  It's so simple.

I can still move forward.  I can still go to school and strive to be smarter, healthier, more financially stable, and well rounded.  Those things will only make me better for others.  I have finally learned that the better I take care of myself, the better I am able to take care of others.  I am finding balance, and moderation in all I am and do.  I will never fully arrive.  Thank goodness, because then there is always something to work towards.  I will always be a little bit crazy with my emotions.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I feel things very strongly.  I finally see that there is nothing wrong with that.  I do need to get better about reaching out to others when I need it, allowing others to be there for me, and I'm working on it.  I know when I reach out people won't always be able to give me what I need.  I see that now.  It doesn't mean that I stop reaching.  It doesn't mean I'm alone.  It means God wants me to sit still and look to Him, be grateful, and listen.

I know how much I am cared about by others, and I appreciate it.  I hope they know how much I care about them, too.  I'm lucky.  Because of my most recent relationship, I know what it is now to give someone both the best and worst parts of me.  I've never done that before.  I thank him for trusting me with the best and worst parts of himself, too.  I'm so glad he did.  Who knew some of the best parts of our relationship were going to happen after we broke up?  I feel like we're just starting to get it.  We were lucky to have it.  We're lucky that we still do, even if it's in a different way.  Even with all of this pain that I have felt, I wouldn't trade any of this for anything.  All of it has helped me to find who and what I am meant to be in this life.  For that, I will always be grateful.

Love God, love others.  Here I've been searching for a much bigger gift.  I don't think it gets any bigger or greater than love.

 

When I Fall In Love...

Somebody asked me recently if I have ever been in love.  Trouble with me is, I think I fall a little bit in love with every person I meet. 

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Old School Breakthrough...

ORIGINAL POST:  FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2008

shoe strings and lollipops

i hate "when harry met sally"...i hate harry...and i hate sally...

which is a shame, because i love meg ryan and billy crystal. 

friends aren't always meant to be together.  

really.  i always thought that they were because of stupid movies like this one...but it's not true.  (big sigh)...it's a brilliant phone scene...you know, after they sleep together and they each call their best friends, who happen to be married.  excellent move by the writers to have that scene...well played by the director...but i'm getting distracted...  

i thought maybe, if two people were friends, eventually they were meant to be together, (especially when everyone you know is pushing for you to be together...and assuming that you've already been together, even though you haven't), and it was only just recently i realized how untrue that is, and how jaded i've been from stupid movies like this one (almost screwing up perfectly good friendships because of such jaded-ness.)  two friends show up by themselves at a wedding years later, and end up sitting by each other...you might think it's meant to be...but i know that is not the case, and he knows that's not the case...but everyone else seems to be just as jaded as i used to be.  i know.  i used to be so sure, and now, sitting here, watching this movie, i realize...i don't know a damn thing...thank goodness.

i was in damons getting a drink (if you ever want to meet a successful single man, go into damon's on a thursday night.)  it was flattering, the attention i received, especially since i was in sweatpants and no make-up, but really dis-heartening as well...because they don't even know me.  they see a girl interested in the colorado/west virginia game, drinking a beer, and they want to marry you.  they don't know that i am indecisive, loud, sometimes irrational, and often incomprehensible.  they just see a young, blonde chic drinkin' and watchin' the game, and thinking (maybe because of stupid movies they have watched, as well) that we might be destined to be together...or maybe, they just want to know my name...and i'm the one that's giving myself too much credit assuming the rest.  

(oh great..."pure country" is on cmt.   that's another one of 'those' movies.  it has my favorite song in it...at the end, of course...when the star-crossed lovers end up together because he sings "cross my heart" to her, while she sits in the front row of his awesome las vegas concert...i think.)

i'm not as bitter, or cynical, or jaded as i sound.  believe it or not i am feeling pretty confident, and secure, and relieved.  i am relieved because i see it now...i see how wrong i was, and am, and probably will be, because of movies like these.

i just recently had my ten year reunion...yes, my high school reunion, thank  you very much...and i saw a man...who i thought was my soulmate when i was sixteen.  

seriously.  i do appreciate him as a person, don't get me wrong...but i kissed him...of course i did...hello?!  it was fun...until, mid-kiss, when he professed his love for me.  he told me he loves me, he's sure of it, he's always loved me...

oh, crap.  

suddenly kissing wasn't as much fun.  (you'll have to forgive me if this is a little choppy and...well, awkward...i've had some champagne, and i am an awkward person...cheers...so i'm going to tell this story as is, and probably allow it to be published and remain on my blog...however embarrassing it might be in the morning...because it must be coming from some place honest within me.)  suddenly...i felt a burden...a burden to be honest about what feelings i don't have, and haven't had for a long time.  the funny thing is, it didn't seem to sway him one way or the other...as if he thought i was denying myself the truth of the matter...when the truth of the matter was i couldn't wait to get back to camp and forget about what had just taken place.

i'm tired of my unavailable friends offering availability to me, if i were to be so inclined...that just makes me sad, and happens more often then anyone would care to know.  i'm tired of everyone trying to set me up with their son, or grandson, or godson, simply because i am old and unattached.  really?  am i not a whole person because i don't have somebody to 'share my life with?'...um...news flash...i share my life with a lot of people...but, mostly, i share my life with God.  why is that not enough for others?  

a friend of mine said that the ladies at his church told him he needs to meet a nice girl with good credit...ha.  i don't want someone to save me.  i want to save myself.  i would like to know i can do it on my own before someone else comes along who can do it for me.  i want to know that i succeeded, and made good choices, for me.  therefore, i shouldn't be surprised i haven't met that guy i'm going to spend the rest of my life with...because i'm still making some idiotic choices...

maybe when i start making some really good choices, that's when i'll meet mister right...maybe it's that very thought that keeps me from making good choices....

maybe...it's time to get under the covers and appreciate how far i've come...and appreciate movies like this that make me smile...but don't define my life, or gauge my decisions any longer. 

 

maybe, i'm doin' just fine..just me and God.  

just me and God - i like the sound of that....

 

Say Your Prayers

Dear Lord,

How could I ask for anything more than what You have already given me?

Do as You wish.

Yours,
Colleen

Why Am I (Not) Crying?

It’s amazing the reactions we have to certain events.  Sometimes I have a bigger reaction than what is probably called for, other times I stay even steven under pretty tragic circumstances. 

My brother has cancer.  It hasn’t been diagnosed through a biopsy, that is the next step, but it’s pretty clear.  It is on the lymph nodes in his lungs, both lungs.  The doctors won’t give a prognosis, or entertain any treatment options, until the biopsy is complete.  I found this out yesterday while I was at work.  I haven’t cried or anything.  It’s weird.  It’s like I’m in this focused business mode or something.  I feel a bit relieved knowing what we’re looking at…the waiting was eating away at me.  We can now look at each other, hold on, and move forward with the next step.  It is what it is, and we’re all choosing to take it in stride and move forward.  My brother has been my buddy since I was born.  We had some years in there where he was off the map and I had to move on with my life, but now he needs us, all of us, and we all realize how much he means to us.  I hate that it sometimes takes something like this to remind everyone what’s important.  We have had some pretty tragic circumstances in my family over the years.  We haven’t always come through it as a strong unit, or figured out how to really be there for each other, but we did the best we could.  This might turn out to be the best and worst thing that’s ever happened to us.    

My brother-in-law (my older sister’s husband) has been diagnosed with heart failure.  They have three kids.  The oldest turns thirteen this week.  It’s strange, because my brother is up and walking around and feeling okay most of the time.  He has been struggling with heart issues for the past year, but a diagnosis of heart failure was a shock, to say the least.  I found this out on Friday, via text message.  My family and I have to really get better at this communication thing.  They are, naturally, seeking out a second opinion, because it all doesn’t really match up.  Again, we’re taking things in stride, and getting through one step at a time.  I talked to my older sister on the phone last night to get more information and let her know exactly what is going on with Jeff, our brother.  That’s the longest conversation her and I have probably had in five years.  It brought about mixed feelings after we talked.  I didn’t cry or anything again, though.  I’ve always had this little sister syndrome where I just really want her to like me, and I’m not sure she ever has.  I realize now that I just need to be myself and be there for her the way I would with anyone else…no strings attached.

I stopped by two different houses last night in my quest to find a new place to live.  I was nervous, for the first time, about jumping out there on my own.  I’ve never been nervous about that in my life.  Okay, I’ve always been nervous about that, but I’ve never let it deter me.  Lately, I’ve been feeling deterred.  But, I know I want to live in this city and make it work.  They both had some cool people living there, and had good and bad about them, as is expected.  The second one looks very promising, for a number of reasons.  I skipped down the sidewalk and got into my car after the second house, and suddenly the reality hit me of what this means, and I began to cry.  I realized that it’s real.  I’m really moving out of Jay’s house.  Talking about it is one thing, but physically carrying your stuff out the door and giving back the key is another.  He is moving on, which is exactly what I hoped and prayed for.  We still love each other very much.  I have a great deal of respect for him, and couldn’t say a bad thing about him.  It just wasn’t a match.  I saw it before he did, and just made the first move to rectify it.  I have learned a ton about relationships, and myself in relationships, because of him.  You know, I wish love were enough.  I wish two great people meeting and liking each other was enough.  There is so much more involved than that, and I know that now.  He is still broken hearted, but he is also having fun and going out on dates, and has actually met a pretty fantastic girl.  I am considering doing the same (going out on dates, that is), have attempted it, but I’m not quite there yet.  I became more emotional about this last night than anything else.  I’m sure it was everything mixed together that put be in a vulnerable state, but it was just strange to have such a strong reaction to one and not the others. 

I realize now why my reactions were so different.  I am choosing to move.  I did not choose for my brother to have cancer.  I did not choose for my brother-in-law to have heart problems.  I did not choose this relationship, or lack thereof, with my sister.  I am choosing to leave a relationship with a great man and move into a different house.  Last night, I just wanted to run into the house and tell him I’ve changed my mind about everything.  I know that wouldn’t be right.  I know what we are doing now is right.  I know I have to move out, even though I absolutely love living in his house.  I feel safe there.  Unfortunately, I feel so safe that I have become stagnant.  I know, deep down, this is the only way we can truly move on and ‘move up’.

God is going to work through all this for the betterment of me and my family.  It is with that confidence that I continue to put one foot in front of the other, look up when the going gets rough (or I just want to say thank you or have a chat with the Big Guy), and smile.  Okay, so today the smile is not happening so much.  I will allow myself the luxury of not forcing a smile.  Forced smiles are so…bleh.  It’s like your face doesn’t match because your eyes are saying one thing and your mouth is saying another.  My eyes already don’t match (thank you God for two different eyes…hilarious), so I don’t need to add any more awkwardness to my face.  People ask me how I’m doing, more as a greeting than having any understanding of what’s going on in my world right now, and I say ‘You know, right now, not so great, but in a few minutes I’ll be better, and maybe I’ll have another sad moment later today, and then I will feel better again.  Thank you for asking.’  I see their reaction and realize they appreciate the honest answer, and usually nod and smile, a real smile.  I appreciate a real smile right now.  A hug wouldn’t be so bad, either.  I tend to stay away from hugs.  They tend to bring out that emotional part of me when I least expect it.  I think I would be okay with that right now. 

         

Movin' on up...

It is amazing how much I am affected by circumstances that surround me, and/or how people respond to me (or don’t respond to me, depending).  I would like to think that I am more independent than that, or at least not so easily influenced.  I know that I am easily influenced.  I can be talked into pretty much anything.  I am open-minded and spontaneous, so I figure, why not?  I’ll try it, especially if it is something new (whether an idea or action), or it will bring someone joy, or make people laugh (or it’s fighting the power…fight the power!)  How people respond to me, and what is happening to me in any given season (or day) of my life, directly reflect on how I feel about myself and my life.

I am driven by emotions.  I will fall silent in a meeting if I feel like I am not being heard (when I say heard, what I really mean is respected and taken seriously).  I take it personal, and I grind my teeth.  You can physically see my eyes cloud over, and I want you to see it, in that moment.  Truth:  What happens in meetings is not personal, and if it is, that is the person’s problem who is being unprofessional enough to make it personal.  The only thing I can come up with that would possibly cause such immature behavior in yours truly is…pride. 

I want everything to be fair.  I get physically angry if I feel something is unfair.  It can be incredibly obnoxious at times.  It can also serve people who cannot defend themselves, and bring about positive change.  I wish I could say it is in that instance where this shows up the most.  I wish.  I’m not sure I want to squash this entirely in myself, but I would like to control it to some degree, so it can rear its monstrous brevity at more appropriate times (like, maybe not when someone wins something I feel they don’t deserve….who am I to judge who deserves what?)  The obnoxious, unnecessary anger often leaves me tired and, eventually, defeated.  How can that possibly serve me or anyone else in a positive way?

I am a fighter.  I have always been a fighter.  However, I am also a coward, and have always been a coward.  These two do not mix.  I tend to confuse the emotions which drive each.  I tend to fight when I should sit down and be quiet, and I tend to sit down and be quiet when I should speak up.  It’s horrible.  I figure it out eventually (good ol’ hindsight), and rake myself over the coals for it entirely too often.  Both can be good, and both can serve the common good (not so much cowardice as wisdom, which is often mistaken for cowardice).  Enter Serenity Prayer here.

Truth is…I knew all of these things about myself in my 20’s.  As they became more apparent, I actually became more stubborn about them, exacerbating my reactions to otherwise simple events.  I know the fact that I was going through (undiagnosed) menopause can work in my favor as a formidable excuse.  I can be a little gentler with myself about that season of life, now having a better understanding of just how much craziness comes along with menopause.  God gave me all these 'funny little things about me' for a reason.  Now, in my 30’s (did I mention how much I love my 30’s?), I realize it is in my power to figure out a way to hone these ‘less admirable attributes’ into ‘awesome skills’ for the marketplace, professional world, and life in general.  The one thing you begin to realize is, there is no way you can do it alone.  I think we all have this fear of exposing ourselves to other people (figuratively speaking, of course.  Well, I think many people are afraid of naked, too…naked is…naked.  Leave it alone.  It’s awesome.)  We think we’re going to become vulnerable, and leave ourselves more open to be judged, or worse, rejected.  The truth is, though, people already see these things in us.  Chances are, none of my friends would be surprised if I went up to them and said, ‘You know, I think I take things personal too much.’  They would probably become immediately fearful in how to respond to the statement….wondering if I actually desire an honest response, or if I’m just seeking slightly erroneous affirmation.  I’m not sure I would disappoint them.  Chances are I would take whatever they said in response very personal.  Nobody can win responding to a statement like that…except if you’re me.  I will tell you the truth (or at least my truth, the truth I see and know).  I’ll try to say it in a way that allows you to see the positive side of it, but I will still tell you what I see, and how I feel about it, if you ask.  That is one thing I have never regretted changing about me…no matter how anyone has responded.  The truth does set you free.  It’s nice that people pretty much know that’s exactly what you’ll get if you come to me with something.  I’m not always right.  I don’t always know what I’m talking about.  I will listen, though, and usually just repeat back to you what you said to me in a different way so that you can hear what you need to from the very person you need to hear it from…yourself.  I expect the same thing from others.  I’m not sure I have always made it very easy for people to respond to me in the same way.  I yearned for it, but would make you sorry for it.  I have improved vastly on this account, but still have a long way to go.

I see it.  I see all of these ‘attributes’ in my life.  It’s time to stop countless bouts of self-degradation for moments already passed.  It’s like Ric says (and now I also say) when directing a show, ‘Recognize your mistake, take it out, and don’t replace it with a new one’.  The audience doesn’t know the blocking, or choreography, or the lines.  Concentrating on a mistake only leaves room to make another one.  Recognize it, acquire feedback, gain perspective that’s different from yours, allow room for forgiveness on all levels, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS, and, for Pete’s sake, move up.  Moving up is so much better than moving on.  Moving on sometimes means we just move over.  Moving up means we have taken something from the experience and brought it with us, so we can be better the next time around.  Nobody knows your blocking, choreography, or lines.  Dance away, my little darlings.  If someone has something to say about it, take it in if there’s a lesson to be learned, thank them, shake your booty, and smile.    

                            

 

Here's what you do with things....

put them away, throw them away, or give them away.

De-clutter!

God never intended life to be complicated.

Random February Thoughts

They sang 'Mad World' today in church.  I'm starting to find some love for Kensington.

I'm not so caught up in my own stuff to think that they're might not be several people today who I can bless.    I hate those days when I do get so caught up, and fail to recognize the people I pass by that day who might need me.

I deserve this....with the money situation I find myself in these days.  I have had chances to have money, and make up for bad choices.  I haven't changed my behavior when it comes to money.  It needs to be a priority.  It's time to stop blaming everyone and everything else, and learn a new way to live. 

Grace is unfair.  Jesus has a different economy.  Thank goodness.

That message, I realized, I was not putting out there.....I was posting so much.....anger.  I deleted those.  I have accepted responsibility.  I know the person I am....in the worst and best way.

Occupy Detroit is meeting at the coffee shop right across the street from the Opera House.  I watch as people dressed to the nines walk into the Opera House for an event, and the home-sewn group passing by me to get to the meeting.  I wonder where I fit.

You will find what you are meant to do where"...your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."  I used to think it was just where the world's deep hunger is, but I realize now, it can also, and should also be where my deep gladness reigns. 

6 hour wait at the UIA (Unemployment Office) to ask a simple question about taxes.  There is only one UIA office in all of Detroit.  Something is terribly, terribly wrong here.

I am part of a 20/20 group.  There are 20 of us (actually the number is higher now) who give $20 a month.  A name is drawn from the group, and that person gets to choose where the money is given that month.  I love this idea! 

Elie told her mom I was her favorite babysitter....ever.  It's the little things :)

Weird to see Rick Hamilton in a Bulls jersey.  With Lebron's new beard, he looks Amish.

Finally unpacked and cleaned my room - it's February.  I moved in late November.

Eli Manning seems like just a likable guy.  Go Giants!

It always makes me giggle when I find out a guy is following me on Pinterest.  I'm intrigued to see what kind of boards he keeps. 

Levi is now getting dressed by himself, zipping up his own coat, and saying 'yellow' and 'red', and 'three, thirteen, and thirty'.  He can count to 100, both singly and by tens.  It's the little things....   

I actually think So Random on Disney is funnier than SNL.  Plus they book a lot of bands who are up and coming, and not as well known.  The show genuinely makes me laugh sometimes.  I can't believe these teenagers are living my dream. 

I had been sick 3 different times with three bugs during December and January.

Definitely got mooned by a four year old today. 

1John 4:18 There is no fear in love.

Working with a student on monologues....it's what I'm meant to do.  My true joy is found in the middle of our workshop. 

I'll remember the image of the train heading towards the station, and the attendant hanging out the door waving, probably forever.  Kind of like the memory of when I was just about to step out onto the stage for the opening number of "Bat Boy", and I suddenly pictured stepping out onto a professional stage, feeling the energy of the crowd, and the warmth of the lights.  Somewhere inside of me i knew it's going to happen.  This trip might change my life....or not.  Either way this memory is planted for good.

I haven't listened to music the entire 6 hour trip to Chicago...no headphones whatsoever.  It's amazing what you observe and experience when you don't shut yourself off to the world.

I'm just watching everyone in the holding room, observing them as they mentally prepare for their audition.  I am completely relaxed and enjoying every minute of this.  Hysterical to observe behavior in other people.  Man, I love performance so much!!!  I hope they see that, if nothing else.  I hope they see how much I love, and need, to become another life, tell someone's story.  I am so lucky to be here!!

With rejection comes a certain amount of clarity, if you let it.  My first audition is a no, and it's the best thing that could have happened to me.  It means I have to fight a little bit, and make sure this is what I want.  This was a good experience to remind me what I'm getting myself into by jumping into this business full time.  If this opportunity were handed to me after the very first audition, it would not prepare me for the reality of how this business works.  I can lay here in bed and blame my training, or lack of training, and blame everyone including myself, and make excuses, or I can get up, brush myself off, learn something, and get downtown so I can try again.  I feel like, for the first time, people are being honest with me about my acting, and  I want more.  I can't believe there's a possibility that I might be able to have the opportunity to take three years and concentrate solely on my journey as a performer, as an actor, and study with others who are just as passionate about finding themselves in this art as I am.  I don't want to waste one second of my time, if i am so lucky to be earn a spot in an MFA program, but even in this part of the process.  This chance to audition, stay in the city, meet other artists, and observe and gain feedback is just as important.  The journey has already begun.  This process can wear you down.  Last night, by the time I crawled into bed, I was pretty beat up.  Thank goodness we get a new chance every day.  I'm refreshed after a good night's rest, and I'm ready to take what I can from today.  It's so important to take care of yourself if you're going to enter this process.  I have been taking care of myself, and it will serve me well.  To God be the glory!!  Lucky, lucky me.

I think the idea of settling into a three year intensive program intrigues me because there is part of me that likes the idea of the same job, the same apartment, and starting or helping an organization in one community for a while.  It would be nice if things would slow down for longer than a few months or a year at a time.

You've got to be open to every opportunity.  I snagged a seat where I can see the final auditions through the window.  It's interesting to watch.  I wish I would have known that so many other schools would be here offering private auditions.  Many non URTA schools are here, as well, in a different hotel.  You had to schedule an audition ahead of time with them, though, and apply to their school.  It's interesting to think of how I felt when the train was pulling into Birmingham to pick me up, the attendant hanging out the door waving, and how I feel now, pulling back into Birmingham knowing nothing's changed.  Well, that's not entirely true....I've changed.  How is it, that in my four years studying in a theatre program, I never learned how to audition?


Just caught myself humming the theme to "Night Court".  Man, I love that show.

I'm intrigued by processes, i.e. How to keep track of passengers on a train, auditions for theatre, online services for restaurants, how to take a Gallup poll,  standardized testing, riding in a cab, delivering a baby, etc.  there are processes to everything.  I am always interested in the way something is done, the How.  Who figured out the process?  What made that way THE way something is to be done?  Is it the most efficient and/or effective?

I don't really want to talk about a problem unless I am discussing a solution.

9 weeks.....9 weeks.....9 weeks.....you can do it.  Just hold on, girl, and take advantage of what you have now.....

I need to go out dancing....like, today.

Another night of 3 o'clock in the morning ideas.  This old Tiger Stadium thing might actually work, and the after school theatre program at 1515, and the motivational assembly for middle schools.  It seems I have had a ton of great ideas in the last ten years.  I think it's time to pick a few of those projects and get focused.  Yeah, I said it.  It's time to have something to show for the energy and skills God gave me.  It's time to plug in for the long haul.  The worst that could happen is nothing comes of any of them.  I guess that would be no worse than the nothing I am doing now.  I just don't want the reason I am jumping onto these projects to be that the MFA thing became hard.  I went to ONE audition and was rejected.  Maybe it was just not the right programs, or the right time.  Maybe I need to plug into a community and the Masters Degree comes along in time.  Maybe I don't need one, and going back to school just seemed like the best option out there right now.  Maybe I need to fight for it, and then plug into whatever community I end up living.  Why do I feel so pulled to downtown Detroit, then?  I have no investment or history with this community.  Where is that pull coming from?  I just want to make sure my intentions are legit, and it's not just me running from something.  I want to run towards something for a change.

Heading into a waste not, want not phase in my life.  I hope it's here to stay.  I like it.

On the weekends I actually start to feel like a normal person again, especially if I get some one on one time with a great friend.  During the week I just get too much down time in my own head all day.  Too much free thinking time is not good for someone like me.  I love to day dream, don't get me wrong, but I'm often too cruel and unforgiving of myself to be given too much time trapped with my own thoughts and nothing more.

Anger is just not worth holding onto, no matter what has happened.  It takes a lot of energy to hold onto it, energy that could be better spent loving, instead.  Let go, and find the peace that comes with loving, especially if the person you need to love is you.  "And this is love:  that we walk in obedience to his commands.  As you have heard from the beginning, His command is that you walk in love.". -2 John, verse 6

Things I think I take for granted while I'm a live in nanny (or at least choose not to worry about while I don't have to worry about them):  always stocked toilet paper and Kleenex, turning my thermostat upstairs to whatever I want, the awesome car I drive, living in a very safe neighborhood that plows their streets by 3am, and comes by again at 5am, a fully stocked fridge with healthy food (including fresh fruit!), a down comforter, a very up to date washer and dryer and free soap, no utility bill or rent, free wireless Internet......man, there are definitely things I am going to miss once I lose them.  It's all worth it to have my life back.

You Are What You Read

There was something comforting, and almost inspiring, about being surrounded by all of my stuff this weekend. I had to sort through it, pitch some of it, and organize and pack the rest. I didn't even realize I missed myself so much. I am grateful to be on the couch, in my sweatpants, watching the Oscars. Loading and unloading the truck by myself proved to be a bit more than my body could take. It's days like these where I think having a husband or a dad could come in handy. It was nice to know I could still get it done on my own. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel I had so much to prove to myself. I think it's a matter of not wanting to inconvenience anyone, really. I have a ton of people in my life who would totally jump in and help without thinking twice. Nobody likes to move, however, and I didn't want anyone to feel obligated to say yes. Random thought: You know, I often think of things to write, short updates, or long anecdotes, throughout each day. More often than not, however, I just don't take the time to sit down and type it out. Sometimes it's a matter of not being in a position to be able to write. So, the thoughts are left to swim around in my head and drive me halfway to crazy. And we're back: I cannot wait until I move into a space where I can actually unpack all of my books. The last time I was able to do that was 10 years ago. I didn't really own many books then. Half of the bins I packed today contain books. My life is half books. Seems like an appropriate percentage.

Saturday Morning Thought

"You have to find just as much satisfaction in saving money as you do in spending it."  -Suze Orman

 

Just did a quick read through of my friends who I am following here on blogger.  It's amazing, really.  I am following a man who is in seminary to become a priest, a soldier in Afghanistan, a woman in the Peace Corps in Africa, a writer (and a very good one at that), a girl doing missionary work in Haiti, a friend who is raising triplets, another friend who adopted a child from Ethiopia, and two high school girls who recently were recognized in a top fashion magazine as "best fashion blog".  Kinda makes you start to wonder, what the heck am I doing here, sitting on my hands, while everyone else seems to be doing some extraordinary things?

I have the will and drive to serve.  I always thought it would be in some distant place, perhaps a third world country.  Why is it I feel I am being called to serve in my own backyard?  They say, 'Don't stay until God tells you to go, go until God tells you to stay'.  Well, this might be the place.  I just wish I knew what He wanted me to do.  I have all this energy and passion to just freely give.  Maybe that's what you do, you just start giving with what you have, right now.

Okay.  It really is that simple, isn't it? 

Run, Run, Run, Stop. Run, Run.....

It seems my life these days is either completely hectic, or completely at a stand still. My day starts tomorrow at 6am, like usual, and then I don't stop moving until I get home around 10 or 11 on Sunday night. Monday, on the other hand, will be a 10 hour day, as usual, with the two hour break in there (when I usually totally crash), and time will craaaaaawl. I am meeting an old friend for lunch tomorrow. She's a camp friend, so I'm excited, of course. It always strikes my heart in the best way possible to see camp friends. After work, I have to drive to Saginaw and attempt to pack up my belongings that remain in my old apartment in one night. I will rent a van/truck on Saturday, load it up, and pick up my mom on the way to Cass City to drop everything off. My aunt has been kind enough to lend me part of her garage. I just have to drive to Cass City to utilize it. Hey, it will save money on a storage shed somewhere. Who knows how long this stuff will need to be stored, right? It might be three months. It might be three years. I will drive back and spend what's left of the evening with my mother. On Sunday, after I take back the moving van, I hope to make a surprise appearance at a baby shower. It would be nice to see all the lovely ladies who will most likely be in attendance. When I get back to Detroit, there is an awesome event at 1515 Broadway downtown. I want to make it to this event. It is a one night only screening of what looks to be a great movie. A PBS-endorsed film, “A Good Man“ follows acclaimed director/choreographer Bill T. Jones (Last Supper at Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Still/Here, FELA!) as he and his company create their most ambitious work, an original dance-theater piece in honor of Abraham Lincoln’s Bicentennial. Many people from the project are going to be there for a talk back, and the event is to help raise money to keep 1515 open. Events like this are the reason I moved here in the first place. I need to actually start attending these things downtown. I love downtown! Anyway....a long weekend ahead... 

...followed by a very looooong week.....not because there's so much going on, but because time just craaaaawls during the daytime throughout the week. What a long, boring week (and I only worked two days!) Thank goodness for nights like this one, where I get a chance to teach again, helping a senior workshop through some monologues and songs for auditions. I hope I always have the chance to teach, in whatever capacity. It might be the only thing driving me right now. I have so much to write....random posts I never actually posted, and long drawn out thoughts on all the craziness (or lack of craziness) that is my life right now. I think it's safe to say I have way too much time to think during each day. It will all have to wait....5:30am comes so fast. Good night!

All The Small Things

"Go with the people. Live with them. Learn from them. Love them. Start with what they know. Build with what they have. But with the best leaders, when the job is done, the task accomplished, the people will all say, "We have done this ourselves." -Lao Tsu, China, 700 BC I was wondering where to begin in this giant city. It's really as simple as Lao Tsu describes it. Start small, with a small population, a small need, and continue working and loving people, and change will manifest itself. If we all do this, big things can, and will, happen.

In 7 Days He Created The World: In 3 Days He Re-Created Mine

Everything crumbles. He brings me to my knees. I look to him from the floor, suddenly conscious of where our relationship stands. I stand, wipe off my knees, and get to work. I stumble, look to Him, then continue working. He blesses me. He blesses me again. And again. Suddenly, I'm smiling. No, I'm laughing. I look at Him, not quite understanding. I accept the good. Because I accepted the crumbling. We begin to rebuild....

Finding My Port

Last week, I came home from a friend's house around three in the morning, because I couldn't sleep, and had to be up for work in three hours. I came home, hopped into bed, and still couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning, I began to assess different areas of my life. Naturally, I always think if I can't sleep, I must be discontent with something in my life, right? The fact is, I could already tell I was discontent, but couldn't quite place what it was exactly. I like to project feelings onto something else, if I'm unsure exactly what discontents me. I learned to do that early on, when I was a young girl going through puberty, and becoming 'emotional' for no reason, wondering what the heck was wrong with me. I also like to invent things to be upset about, when I'm too lazy, or not really sure how to begin finding a resolution. I realize I'm giving you a lot of damaging information about myself. So, was this just a seasonal thing? I mean, it is January, pretty much the most depressing month of the year, and I had lost my job, and moved away from a community I lived in for seven years.

After thinking about different things that had happened, and assessing all current circumstances in my life, I came to the conclusion that I was dissatisfied with, not just one aspect of my life, but every aspect of my life. There was not one area where I was like, 'Yeah, that's going okay'. Yikes. Well, the only person who can change that is me. So, I have begun the mass overhaul. Now, psychologists warn against making any big life decisions or changes during this 'time of seasonal depression', stating that you might not be in the correct frame of mind to choose the best option. I think psychology is incredibly subjective (pun intended), but, surprisingly, I choose to heed the warning....kind of. Okay, I didn't follow the advice of psychologists, but I am taking steps, instead of handling everything in a matter of, say, a day. One thing at a time. Hahahaha. Yeah, I don't really work like that, unfortunately. Stay tuned....because things are about to get interesting.... ;)

On paper....

it would appear my life is at a low point....a very low point.  On the surface sometimes it catches me in a choke hold.  

However, inside...deep within me, at the core...I have found the secret.  I am more at peace than I have ever been in my life.  I have found true joy.  I am happy.

I wish you the peace that I know...

The Year of Good-Bye

August 18, 2011

I often label each year, both as they begin, and again as they come to a close.  I think I mark each birthday as more of a step into the future, rather than that blasted New Year's.  29 was about finishing commitments...finally seeing something through...and it was a remarkable year.

30 was about moving forward.  Suddenly, I found myself working so hard that my life became about nothing but doing a good job.  I've always wanted to be a hard worker, so much so that I finally prayed for it, every day, for quite some time.  I got what I wanted.  I also got everything that comes with it....exhaustion, more responsibility, and also many rewards (I was just too exhausted to see them at the time.)

So, 31 was to be about balance.  I had time in the school to learn the ropes (still wanting to know more about establishing lesson plans, etc.), but we did have a new state-of-the-art auditorium that nobody knew how to run...and the expectation fell to me to learn the new equipment.  As I turned 31, we had just come off a very successful Gala...the second show at SASA that I had created from scratch.  That first semester, the Theatre class helped with almost 30 events that took place in the auditoriums.  I quickly realized that the balance thing was going to take everything I had left, if I was really serious about finding it.  I also realized balance was going to be crucial to my own well-being.  By October, I couldn't see straight, and I couldn't sleep (averaging roughly 3 hours a night).  October 13th came and went...and balance seemed like a far off wish as I blew out the metaphorical candles that year.

Something had to be done, and fast.  I approached the administration for help.  I sat in their office and said that if things continued the way they were, without help, I would not make it to the end of the semester.  I was dismissed with a wave, and told that they had an important meeting to attend, and we would have to continue this conversation at another time.  We never spoke about it again, until later that year when I was brought into the office to be reprimanded for leaving students unattended in the auditorium, and for not being able to get an event set up in time, the second event for that day.  Realizing that there would be no help from my supervisors, I had to make changes, and make them fast.  I moved into an apartment with a friend, hoping to save money, and put myself into a position to have to be more social.  The move came in October, with all the craziness that month brought.  The move was the best decision I could have made.  This is the happiest I have ever been in an apartment, and with a roommate...I love my living situation.  So, I had one good move in the right direction, but so much work was ahead of me.  The play in November was rough.  I did things that needed to be done for the sake of setting a professional precedence, but it wasn't easy.  Good-bye to staying in a situation because it was comfortable...hello to beginning to find the benefit of making a plan.

The night of the last show, I received a call from my dad's sister in Colorado.  She hadn't spoken to me in 15 years.  She called me and told me that my grandmother had passed away....seven days ago.  Before that, I spoke to my grandmother every month, at least, if not more.  I loved her dearly.  I was furious, and heart broken.  Nobody called me.  I still have yet to hear from my dad at all.  Did they even think to call?  My grandmother had been sick for a few days when she fell.  I had spoken to her a few days before she fell, and knew she wasn't feeling well.  One of the last things my grandmother said to me was "Colleen, I hate my life".  When they took her to the hospital, the doctors found tumors in her brain.  They put her in a nursing home, and within a week her heart gave out, and she died.  I think her heart was broken, too.  My biggest fear was that she thought they called me and I didn't come, or even call.  I hope she realized that I didn't know.  I would have been there.  I asked my aunt why nobody called me, and she told me they didn't know she was going to die.  I don't care whether she was going to die, the point was she was sick and needed me.  I know she was alone.  This might possibly be my biggest regret.  Good-bye Grandma Colleen...I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think of you.

My uncle, at this time, was already in Arkansas for treatment.  After my grandmother passed, I withdrew quite a bit from people, in general.  I knew my uncle was not doing well, but I stayed busy with school, December being one of our busiest months for performances.  I can barely remember the talent shows that we put on for the school.  I was just going through the motions by then, but was falling apart inside.  When my uncle passed in January, I sort of just...shut off.  I realized the most consistent male figure in my life was gone...and I had never told him how much he meant to me.  He was one of those people everyone kind of ends up taking for granted.  We all miss him, but we definitely weren't there for him as much as we could have been...except for my mother.  Bless her heart, the woman knows how to come through for the broken-hearted, at the most important time.  I could learn a lot from my mother about compassion, and sacrifice, and strength.  Good-bye Uncle Ray...thank you...for everything.  I hope you have found peace. 

I realized, at that time, that I had a choice.  I could give in to all of this loss, or I could use it to change my life.  I knew how unhealthy my grandmother and uncle were when they passed, and how unhappy they were.  God had blessed me with a sound mind and healthy body.  It was time to take advantage of these health benefits I received from the job I worked so hard for.  I made an appointment with every doctor I could think of, and began a workout regimen with my roommate.  I also....decided I needed to put myself out there and start dating, for the first time in my life.  I had hung out here and there when there was a real connection with someone, and had a couple of relationships, but I had never actually dated.  I also began to leave the school by 7pm.  No matter what was happening, I would drop it on the desk and walk out.  Sometimes I would leave right after rehearsal at 6pm!  Good-bye bad habits and 15 hour days.

The dating thing didn't really take off until March, but by then I was ready.  I had been working out, was in great shape, and even lost some weight.  I had cut out caffeine in January, and was sleeping more regularly (I could actually take a nap sometimes!).  I was eating better, and starting to go out of town on weekends and visit old friends.  I was also gaining confidence in my ability as a teacher.  Up until that point, I second-guessed myself all the time.  Now, I knew I had what it took to take this program to a different level.  We just needed to finish this year, at this point, keep learning the new equipment, and look forward to starting fresh the following year, in a different (better!) direction.

When the dating thing took off, I was lucky enough to meet someone who was a great first date for me.  He was confident enough, and outgoing enough, to catch my attention right away, and kind of steer things along, while I figured out how this whole dating thing works.  I caught myself going into some old habits, but overall it was an okay experience.  We ended up being too different, and we both wanted to pursue dating other people, neither one of us wanting to get serious.  Overall, he wasn't the nicest guy I could meet, but I am grateful for him just the same.  I'm not sure I would have been able to jump in with both feet with anyone else.  Through him, I fell in love....with the city of Detroit.  It took a few more months for me to really get this dating thing down, and some of it has been frustrating.  A lot of it, though, has been fantastic.  I am happy to say that I am starting to give the nice guys a second date...and starting to kiss way too many men from other countries.  Haha....suffice to say, dating is going well.  Good-bye to detaching myself from people....hello to new opportunities, and not feeling guilty about enjoying my life.  Hello to happiness.

When I found out that Sean had been fatally shot, it was like my heart stopped beating.  Never had the violence in this city hit so close to home.  We joked about taking ballroom dance lessons one day.  It's still on the list.  Some day.  Good-bye my friend...what an example you were for us all.

My sister and her husband moved to Kalkaska.  This was the first time our immediate family was split up since my brother had returned to Michigan so many years ago.  My sister and her husband had taken off and hiked the Appalachian Trail (I had saved all of her voicemail messages, in case I never saw them again...so silly).  I assumed they would come back, and we would carry on as usual.  I never realized how wonderful, and how convenient it was that my family lived so close.  I always thought I would be the one to leave again.  I miss my sister being a regular part of my life.  Good-bye to the opportunity to see you every day if I wanted.  But, I know you are happy, and that makes me happy.  I know that mom misses you, though.  You should call her.  :)

My dear Ellen....saying good-bye to her was the hardest thing.  It brought back when I stood by the bed of my little sister's best friend in high school.  I have never prayed so long and so focused as I did at her bedside.  It was as if I were channeling every ounce of peace inside of me to her...or trying to, at least.  I went to see her on my lunch break.  I am so glad I did.  I never want to miss the opportunity to tell someone how wonderful they are again.  Good-bye sweet soul....thanks for being true.

The end of the year came and went.  I actually had energy left over, and was able to make plans, and continue working hard to the end.  This was the first year that had happened.  I knew I was heading in the right direction, with everything.  I was still fighting to work out regularly, but managing to stay fit.  I was awkward with the whole dating thing, but starting to get my wits about me.  I was holding my ground and sticking up for myself.  I was making plans with the other teachers for some extraordinary ideas for the following year.  I was traveling.  I was....happy.

Now, I find myself saying good-bye again.  My world has completely changed in the last three weeks.  I catch myself withdrawing again, detaching.  I think it's because I know what's coming.  I wish I had the opportunity for a proper good-bye with my students.  The idea of just leaving them seems unfair...to them, mostly.  It still hurts my heart to think of them.  This is the first time I have ever felt sad about leaving a community.  I have a heart for Saginaw, but my heart is too broken to stay, I'm afraid.  Plus, I can't imagine any opportunity showing it's face around here in time for me to actually grab hold of it and be able to make a living.  That means I will probably say good-bye to my roommate, as well.  I can honestly say, I think he is the first BFF I've ever had.  I'm 31 years old and finally have my first true best friend.  I feel uncomfortable about leaving my mother.  My sister has moved, and now I might, too.  I know she supports anything I do, and she wants me to be happy, even if that means leaving.  I also know that she deserves the world...I wish I could give it to her.   

I'm not sure what God has planned for me in the immediate future.  Today, I found myself sitting on my bed and staring off into space for a few hours, surrounded by medical bills coming in due to my benefits being dropped, not really knowing what to do.  When I started this blog, I was sad, and lonely, and felt this whole thing was unfair.  I was angry that this year had so many good-byes.  Now, though, I feel....free...as the tears dry on my cheeks, and I allow myself to feel sad, angry, hurt, and even a bit...afraid, and just say whatever it is I want to say, without thought or edit.  I realize that this year was about balance.  If not for the good-byes, I don't think the balance would have been possible.  My life has had many good-byes...but it also has had some extraordinary hellos.  The fact that I have lost all of these things means that I had them in the first place.  I am so truly blessed.  Many more good-byes are in my future...that's just the way my life has always gone....but it's okay...I'll be okay...not in spite of it, but because of it. 

Good-bye to the heart break I have been feeling for so long this year....hello to new beginnings, a chance to change and grow, and some wonderful memories that will forever be the place I go back to when I need love...and peace.  The end of the year always brings a different label than the beginning.  I do not know where I will be when I blow out the candles this year.  I do know, though, that it will not be anywhere I expected, and it will be exactly where I need to be in order to become the person I have prayed God would help me become.  It truly is time to move forward.

          

I Wish I Could...

Re-posted from 2006:

I wish I could see the top of the sky fly down to the depths of the earth and feel the heat slowly make its way through my soul as I draw nearer

I wish I could hear the angels whisper sweet lullabies to an unborn child, and welcome home a tired, old man after a long battle with the world

I wish I could touch the heart of every person I see, and bring a smile to a stranger's lips because I am here  

I wish I could float on the water for days at a time, without a care in the world, and let the sun warm my face
 
I wish I could know what it feels like to be everyone else so I would be less quick to judge and compassion would have more room  

I wish I could make it so I were never cold again and everyone got paid to get at least eight hours sleep  
I wish I could cry less and laugh more, sing the night into day, and write a love story for my children that would come true 
 
I wish I could stop time for just a moment so I could stare at all the people I love and memorize them

I wish I could sit and not think, get all my work done, and have that be enough

Jack of All Trades (Master of None)

Last night was one of those nights where you wake up more than a few times during the night, and finally rise out of bed at 6:30 a.m., giving up on any notion of going back to sleep.  My last dream I had found me back in high school.  I was playing right field during baseball practice (it was baseball, not softball...and it was a coed team, weird).  All of the balls seemed to fly in my direction in one way or another, and try as I may (even diving, outstretched, onto the ground), I couldn’t catch a single one.  That’s really nothing new, that is a culmination, really, of my high school sports experience.  Well, the coach had one of the star players show me how to gauge where a ball was headed, get there and plant myself, and go through step by step, if you will, of how to catch the ball.  I found myself frustrated, and I gave up and went and did something else.  That’s when I woke up. 

When I woke up, I started to think about my high school sports experience.  I thought about those who were really good, and then I thought about me.  I remember writing about that experience for my first creative writing essay in college.  I wrote about the basketball team, and how I felt cheated out of my experience, and how one game the coach actually put me in at the beginning of the game, took me out after I got the butterflies out, and then actually put me back in the game...that had never happened before (I would usually go in the last couple of minutes of the fourth quarter if we were losing or winning by a substantial amount).  I scored 10 points that game, and was the game changer at a pivotal moment.  It was awesome.  I remember writing about how disappointed I was when I didn’t receive any playing time the next two games, and blah, blah, blah.  Well, my paper came back to me, after being reviewed by a jury of editors, with red marks all over the place.  The comments on the back page suggested that the paper sounded like the whining of a selfish brat.  I was a bit shocked, and offended.  I thought about those statements a great deal afterward, trying, albeit pridefully, to find some understanding in the criticism.  As I thought back this morning, I recognized the truth in the criticism.  They were right.  I came to that conclusion after realizing something very important about myself...whether from the dream, or some other state of consciousness that we often find ourselves at in moments of clarity.  I have never actively trained for anything.  I have never worked, step by step, physically, mentally, or emotionally, on anything.  I have always come along for the ride, hoping to learn something along the way, whether by copying others, or just simply observing and floating along.  I have done this with sports, physical fitness, fashion, teaching, directing, overall health and wellness, homework, politics, college, jobs that I have had, hobbies, etc.  I have never worked on one thing, or broken it down and trained enough, to know any real skills.  Even with acting this has proven true.  I have never systematically broken it down to fundamentals, or worked on something specific like voice, or body movements, over and over again.  With acting, you can get away with that to a certain extent.  I think that’s why I have been able to be at least moderately successful on stage. 

I was not involved in sports early on.  I was in gymnastics for a few years off and on, as a child.  I can remember doing enough to get by in that field, as well.  I was afraid of the equipment, so I don’t think, looking back, that I would ever do anything that could really get me injured.  I have never broken a bone in my life, or had to stay in the hospital, or ever needed surgery.  Is it possible that someone as adventurous as everyone thinks me to be might actually have led a very careful life, and does so even now?  You know, I wish there would have been somebody to push me along the way.  I wish someone would have told me to suck it up, and not only stick with my commitments, but do the very best I could, training from the ground up, until I got it right.  I wish someone would have thrown me in the pool to teach me how to swim, so to speak.  I wish someone would have thrown a dodge ball at me early on, so I could see it wasn’t so bad, and not be so damn afraid of them throughout my teens, even though I was really good at pretending to be brave.  I could keep going, but then it would begin to sound like the whining of a selfish brat.  :)  I didn’t have those things.  I didn’t have the support I wanted.  I’m trying to look back and think of why I didn’t take those things on myself.  Why did I keep waiting for someone to come along and do it for me?  Why am I still waiting? 

My biggest secret is probably that I feel like a fraud all of the time.  I am so afraid of people along the way, not only figuring that out, but pointing it out to everyone else.  I think I feel this way, perhaps, because I have not taken the time to truly learn something from start to finish.  I did not play sports as a young child, so I joined the teams late (in my teens), with virtually no talent or skills for the sport.  I am glad that I found cheerleading first when I moved to Cass City.  My initial observations when I moved to that town (I am very observant, which has unfortunately enabled this behavior) found that, in order to survive in that town, you had to join...something, or you risk the possibility of becoming invisible.  I had enthusiasm, and I have been blessed with some semblance of natural rhythm.  Luckily, those two things won me a spot onto the cheerleading squad.  I only cheered for one year, because it became unpopular.  Heaven forbid I did something...unpopular.  So, I joined the basketball team, and the volleyball team, and the softball team, and gymnastics.  I even ran track for a couple of years, and did the high jump.  Hahahaha.  Anyone who knows my family, knows that it is a running joke how I can’t jump...at all.  Oh, the irony.  I also joined the plays, and even did forensics.  I also ran for student council,  and was voted Senior Class President.  I did most of those things during college, as well.  I showed up to every practice or meeting and ‘worked hard’.  I think I saw expending energy, or spending time, as working hard.  I think I still hold onto that notion.  I’m not sure, looking back now, that I was really working on anything at all.  I’m not sure I am now.  People often throw around the joke ‘are you working hard or hardly working?‘  I think I have spent a majority of my life working hard at hardly working.  Why not work the fundamentals after practice until I felt comfortable enough to actually be a little bit confident?  I have never had a lot of confidence, but I see now it might be because I have never taken the time to do or learn anything to be confident about. 

It’s not going to be easy to change this.  In fact, I will have to work against my own instincts, and fight the natural tendency to skip around, only skimming the surface of a new activity, hypothesis, or process.  I no longer desire to be a Jack of All Trades (Master of None), or continue to pretend to be one.  I’m going more for the Polymath, or the Renaissance Man, if you will.  Now I just have to choose what specific activity, hypothesis, and/or process in which to focus my time and energy......hahahaha....*sigh*.