Self-Titled

I was just about to snuggle under the covers very early this morning, knowing if I feel asleep at that exact moment I could at least get 5 hours of sleep....yikes. Anyway, I realized as I sank deep into my pillows that I had to have a speech, any speech or poem for my voice and articulation TODAY. whoopsies! So, I threw the covers off and got out a pen and paper. I knew it could be two minutes in length, so I just started writing. It took me ten minutes, but then it got my mind swimming, and I couldn't sleep, go figure. Self Titled ------------ I am me. My names do not define me; I define my names. I make mistakes I live, I laugh, I learn. As a young child I was free to be me, and just assumed everyone would go along with it. I learned quickly as I became awekward and ordinary. Someone should have told me that mediocrity would have been easier for others to swallow then always trying to find more ways to be extraordinary. Many nights of tear-stained sleeplessness. Never quite understanding that happy clowns have bad days, too. I gained my wings; cut free from my roots. Only to learn that without roots one cannot grow. Alone with myself, I begin to open doors and sweep floors in a heart aged beyond its years; ragged and worn like the hands of an old man who worked in the field all of his days. A veil is lifted and new hope is able to breathe, as the Gardener picks up the tiny rosebud He notices lying on the ground, in the midst of His glorious garden. "Your time will come", He says, "With you, I am not done." So, here I sit, a canvas half-painted, a rosebud unfolding, with roots and wings. I am not done.

Anything you can do..........

I seem to think I can do to! I couldn't sleep last night....so I decided to watch a movie. I decided to finally watch "8 Mile". I've been meaning to and never got around to it. Have you ever noticed when you watch movies that revolve around one thing like singing or dancing, all of a sudden you think you can do it? I was watching this movie and just started writing. I know, I'm a complete dork, but I totally ended up writing out a rap. I really am a dork, but I don't care. I was having so much fun all by myself. How many people can truly say that? I always have fun when it's just me and the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE hanging out with my friends and my family, but there's something about being all by yourself that's real and true. Not to say you're not real when you're around other people. You're just more aware of what brings you joy and makes you sad when you are all alone. Anyway, back to this silly rap. I wrote it, so I'm gonna write it in this journal. Maybe some day I'll start to type out some of the other stuff I have written. Maybe not. I'll be rappin, and I'll continue to sing, till you tell me and you reveal yourself to me cuz i just stand here preachin' to my own self Lord, that ain't helpin' anybody out cuz I - just sit - and i cry and i don't know what to do just livin' till i die that's not what you want is it? you want me to get off my butt and dig it you're listnin' to me cry with a sigh the spirit tells you why that i cry at night and i sleep and i don't sleep then i sleep again and i wake up screamin' the world catches up with me as i sleep at night i wake up with terror i wake up with fright He brings me peace and after all that what do i do Lord, i turn my back and i practically spit on you cuz i don't know what's right and what's wrong and what's wrong and what's right but then you speak to me in the middle of the night Lord, you got me here on this earth and i'm not really sure why i'm diggin' in the dirt it's your will i desire in my heart light a fire come in-to my soul let your - spirit flow clear my mind make me white as snow i'm blameless in front of you i can now stand shameless i'm rhymin' and i'm white i'm a girl yeah that's right but it don't matta' young or old, wise or unwise spirit comes and takes hold that's somethin' you can't despise look into my eyes it's God you will recognize for He's shootin' down all of satan's lies The truth doesn't always have to rhyme but it will be revealed to you it's just a matter of time God is in it and man He can spin it better than any of us could ever do He'd be down here and J.C. would show us what to do it's one day at a time i'm livin keep sinnin' asken to be forgiven i'm tired of livin' life that way wanna walk in the light every single day every hour every minute so everyone can see that God is livin' in it my heart that is comin' to save the world - it's not my job the Lord's got it covered i'm just a lazy slob He's gonna get the job done so i ask you one time do you know about God's son? if not i tell you who He be He's Freedom Love, Peace, Joy and Harmony you're here for a reason a season to make a difference in someone else's life not to keep complainin' of your own strife don't underestimate what God is gonna do He made you on purpose don't be nervous He's got a plan for you He's got your best interest in mind He wanted me to tell you and that's the reason for this silly rhyme.

He loves me...He loves me....He loves me...

If I had a flower, and I picked each petal one by one to see if God loved me or not...it would always land on "He loves me", no matter what. That's pretty amazing. I'm not feeling very good today, physically I mean. It could be the free coffee and doughnut I got at the Car Repair Shop this morning from the guys from Wheels 104.5. They were pretty cool to talk to at least. Gave me something to do to pass the time while they re-fixed my car. I thought I only had a problem with that with my haircuts, but at least it didn't cost me anything and my car's not squealing anymore. I can't type very long....I kind of have the waves...you know which ones I'm talking about? The ones that mean I might have to make a beeline for the bathroom in like 30 seconds....I'd rather do that kind of business in the privacy of my own apartment with a good magazine. I love pooping in my apartment! The door is wide open, and I can take as long as I want....nobody's there to interrupt my business. I can take a hot bath afterwards, and then I get a nap in before rehearsal starts. That's as close to heaven as I'm gonna get here on earth, I think. Small wonders throughout the day. That's how God chooses to bless me, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I needed gas in my Jeep, to get me to rehearsal tonight, and then work tomorrow night, but I didn't have one dollar in my wallet..(or my bank account.) That is really sad. Anyway, I realized I had a jar with change in it..and I know my bank has one of those machines that count it for you......So I grabbed my jar full of pennies mostly, hoping to get at least five dollars to get me around. With a prayer on my lips I dumped the jar of coins in the tray, and watched, to my amazement, as the numbers kept climbing until it reached thirty-four dollars!! I couldn't believe it...I honestly got tears in my eyes. I know, I get tears in my eyes all the time, but I'm glad I do! I'm not ashamed I'm a softie!! :) My Jeep is fixed and has enough gas in it to get me to work this weekend...I also was able to buy a few groceries! Plus, I get to go to rehearsal tonight for five hours! To some, that may seem like forever, but to me, it's five hours of doing something I love to do!! I'm going to go home right now and take a crap and a nap. Small wonders.....God is good to His lousy servant. Oh, I try..sometimes. I just can't seem to get it right, though. It's a good thing God grades on a really big curve, so big in fact, it curves right around to Jesus on the cross and back into my heart....where it starts all over again with an A+. To God be the Glory!

So much to do to.......

So little time!! Don't get me wrong...I love everything I'm doing (well, except work, but I love what I get because I work, and that's money to pay the bills!) A lot has happened since I wrote last. Have you ever thought of doing something so much that you actually thought you did it? That's what happened with this journal. I could've swore that I have written in it a few times in the last couple weeks, but I haven't!! That's so crazy. Anyway, I got a job at McDonald's....that's crazy. I have a whole new respect for people that work in the fast food business. People that come up to the counter, more often than not, assume that you must be an idiot because you work in fast food. I am also training right now...so i am giving them good reason to assume i'm an idiot! oh well, i just smile at them and spit on their burger...KIDDING! You get all kinds of walks of life going through the restaurant daily. It is a different breed of person than at any restaurant I have ever worked at.....'cuz you get some of the lower class families, which makes me sad sometimes, and tons of senior citizens (who you know have a mattress full of cash at home, but are the first to holler if you don't give them the senior price for coffee :) The McDonald's I work at is right off of I-75, so we get a lot of travelers and constructions workers, an occasional bus or two, college students and hunters. This job should prove to be highly resourceful for my stand-up routine. Unfortunately, I do get a free meal every time I work, and I work there almost every day!! I say unfortunately, because I have managed to gain five pounds in one week! I figure I'll start worrying about it when my clothes don't fit and I go into congestive heart failure....just kidding, i'm getting back in the gym tomorrow;) My birthday is tomorrow!! I can't believe it...I keep forgetting. It should be a good day:( I have class from 8-3 and I work at McD's from 4 to midnight....BLAH!! I am trying to get Saturday Night off at Fritz' (that's the restaurant I work at) so I can go out with a bunch of friends. I am getting the Saginaw gang together, hopefully, cuz it's Brian's birthday, too....and i think i'm going to try and get the theatre group to meet us wherever we go...plus, it's the SVSU vs. GVSU football game that day, so, HOPEFULLY, i can get some of the monkeys from GR to come out with us...that would be perfect!!!! I don't know, though, they always go to Dude's in Pinconning, so we'll see. It will be a good time regardless!! I love hanging out with my friends, and I don't get a chance to much anymore! I'M GOING TO BE 25!!!! YIKES! I got a part in a play!! I decided, like, two o'clock that morning to audition and i got a part!! I am having a lot of fun with it so far...it's a pretty rockin' cast! It doesn't leave me with a lot of extra time, but i am glad that i'm involved. It should be a good show, kinda disturbing, but good. The show is going to be Nov. 12th weekend, and the one after that! That's really soon, but we already have the first act blocked!! Unfortunately, that does mean that i will have to miss the big GV game in Ann Arbor....ALL of my friends are going to that!! BUMMER. I am trying to work really hard right now, because the whole week of dress rehearsal, i will not be able to work at all....yikes. Classes are still rockin'. I'm trying to keep up, but it's proving to be harder and harder as time goes by. I wish i could put a ton more time into them, but I am gaining some knowledge of stage design, music, speech and characterization. I would LOVE to go back and be Annie Oakley again, with all this new stuff I have learned....that would be so much fun!! I have found myself getting into a lot of political discussions with very random people recently.....but it has been very beneficial. I love hearing what others think about things...as long as they aren't shouting at me:) I usually tell people I am still undecided, but I think that Bush has got my vote. Unless, by some miracle, John Edwards ends up on the top of the ticket, or Ralph Nader offers some realistic approach to accomplish some of his far-fetched ideals :) it looks like you can put a notch in Bush's corner for me. Would he be my first choice? no, but since it doesn't look like Hillary Clinton will be running, I guess I'll stick with the Republicans this time around. I can't wait until 2032.....when i'll finally get to check the box next to my own name....... I better get going! So much to do.....so little time! God is so good to me!! PEACE!!