Out of gas......and out of money

As the Homecoming Week draws to a close tomorrow with the parade and the game, I have one word to describe how I feel.....AMEN! I know that I should be excited about what went on this week, and I'm sure one day I will be, but right now...at 3:30 in the morning...I feel....tired. I sacrificed a lot to accomplish all the things that needed to be accomplished this week. Just today alone I was at the school from 8am to 8pm working on Homecoming stuff. I sacrificed too much. I have so much repair work to do that I don't even know where to get started. I have to start working more through the week to be able to pay the bills that have already come in. I have to go see each of my professors and figure out what I can do to get back on track with my classes. I have to work on memorizing my lines for the play and some scenes I'm in next week. I have to make time for reading God's word everyday, it seems to be the only thing that can still my anxious heart. I can't help but feel that everyone else is taking care of themselves and what they need to do and I am not. I ask them to do something and they have no problem telling me no because they have homework, work, or they just can't do it. I don't berade them or blame them because I understand. How come I do not allow myself the same luxury? Well, not even luxury, the same necessity, really. Is it really all worth it for the organization to meet it's goals this year? So, we meet our goals.....so what? Is it worth it if, at the end of it all, I am so burnt out and incapable of accomplishing any of my goals that I just want to leave this school and never look back? How do you know where to draw the line for yourself when you're the leader? I am not afraid to say that if I had not put in the work that I had this week, we would not have accomplished half of what we did. Is that the way it should be? Am I really helping people out by doing that? Is that inspiring people to believe in themselves and their own capabilities, or believe in the organization as a whole? A couple of the e-board members asked me how I felt after this week and I was as honest as I could be at that moment. I told them that we had fun, we did well....yes, I am tired, but I chose to be as involved as I was and make the sacrifices that I made, and I was satisfied. After thinking a little longer about it, I know that the true word to describe how I feel is disappointed. I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed about some of the choices I made, and disappointed that we were unable to accomplish great things this week as a group. I feel that rests on my shoulders, as the leader. I know that it is not entirely my fault, and that some people are just not going to be involved. I understand that completely. However, I do believe that we would have had more participation from some people had I pursued it differently. Even if I did give something to someone and they dropped the ball, why didn't I just let it drop? I had to go in and do what I could to save the situation so we would still earn some points. I still feel it was worth it somehow...and I don't know, at this time, what I could have done differently, but I'm sure I will begin to figure it out in the next couple of days. We have another project next week for Battle of the Valleys. Thinking about that tonight as I was laying in bed attempting to go to sleep, I wanted to toss the whole idea out the window. Now, after thinking about all that happened this week, I want to try to use this next project as an experiment in leadership. I would like to go about it a bit different and see what kind of results come out of it. I hope that I can reach my goal of inspiring others to believe in themselves, and believe in our organization. If anything comes out of this year, I hope it's that. I feel much better now.....but I do need to get some sleep, the parade starts pretty early, and, of course, I want to be there earlier to make sure everything is in place;)