...and vaguely discontented.
That's a lyric from a song from the musical "State Fair". I think it's perfect.
My favorite word to use recently is - obsolete.
I think it's amazing how you can feel completely confident one day...like nothing can touch you, and you're potential is endless. However, the very next day, you could end up second guessing yourself and what you have to offer the world you've created for yourself. It's not as if anything changes, but something must have for you to feel so different. Sometimes, it's a matter of being hungry or tired...never a good time to self-evaluate.
I think there's a big difference between thinking of yourself, and self-evaluating.
I think we could all learn so much from one another, if we would stop taking everything so personal. Is constructive criticism really possible anymore? I hope so...it seems to be a great way to stay accountable.
If I were really honest with myself, I would realize I spend so much time talking about accountability, and a lot more time side-stepping it in my own life. Who wants to think about the daily decisions they might be making to hinder God's blessings in their lives? Oh, I think about them all the time...I just don't change them. I am not intentionally thinking about each decision I make, some of which I know, eventually, leads down a path of destruction, if I let it get that far. It gets tiring to think about each decision. If I worked on my heart, and the innermost parts of me, and also intentionally focused on daily decisions, eventually it would become habit to live a life of excellence. It's always hard work to get back to the basics of anything. It's just like in basketball. If you work on fundamentals, and you work on endurance...when it comes time for the game, you will be ready...even if you haven't worked on any plays yet. When you add the plays in after making sure everyone is almost flawless with fundamentals, and everyone is in tip-top shape...you're going to win championships.
The way I see it, there are two emotions that fuel decisions we make; there is love, and there is fear. I do not always fuel my decisions with love, but instead, allow fear to take over and guide me. What am I so scared of anyway?
If God is love, than I wish to be love, too. To be love doesn't mean to be loved. I forget that a lot, and that's usually when fear takes over.
Intentional is another good word. If you're not intentional...what's the point? It seems to me if you are intentional about living a life of excellence, you will unintentionally bless others without even realizing it's happening...because that wasn't your initial intention. To bless others without noticing would be fantastic, but it would be a scapegoat for me because the reason I wouldn't want to know, is because then it would be easier to be humble. However, are you really humble if you don't even realize you are doing something to be humble about? Isn't it more to understand some impact you're having and be able to smile and say "Isn't God good?"
These thoughts crowd my mind, but not when fear is at the wheel. I drove myself into a ditch of self-pity last night...weeping and asking God to show me what I can do so I can stop making myself so miserable all the time. I stopped crying, wiped my eyes, took a hot bath and went to bed, again, understanding that when I am tired, it's probably not the best time to self-evaluate. God said that weeping may endure for the night, but His joy comes in the morning...I decided to take Him at His word. I woke up this morning and read His word, and of course, God spoke peace into my heart. I am not a completely different person, I just choose to accept God's love knowing it will only help me to be better for others.
This morning I woke up and realized how loved I was, and how good it feels to find sanctuary in that love. This morning I wished that love for all the people I know...especially the ones my fear drives me to believe deserve it the least. ,
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