To Be or Not To Be...

I have been struggling with my character in the play I am currently in. Instead of diving in to find her, I have spent a majority of time trying to figure out why I can’t. I don’t know how to find her. I have forgotten what it feels like to be in a relationship. I have forgotten what it looks like. I wasn’t very good at being in one in the first place. I don’t know. I would act extremely immature because I didn’t know how to be, what my role was. I have been wrestling with many ideas as to why I can’t do this: maybe I’m not meant to do this, maybe I’m only a character actress, maybe I have been fooling myself these past couple of years and the veil has finally been lifted, maybe it’s because I disagree with how and who the character is from a directing standpoint, maybe I’m not getting very much from the actor who is playing opposite me, maybe…well, let’s just say I’ve been driving myself crazy. I have never really worked a lot on a character outside of rehearsal. I don’t really know how to find her on my own. I’ve worked on accents or memorization, and that’s about it. Everything else seems to come through the rehearsal process. The only thing I feel that has come through this rehearsal process is mounting frustration. I think the relationship thing might stem from living with a mother who gave up relationships before my memory will allow me to see her in one. I know how to be strong and survive when things look like they can’t get any worse. I know how to cry alone in the bathroom when I just can’t take any more. I know how to give up everything I have so someone else can have something. Those are all good things to know. Somehow I have also learned how to lose myself when someone comes along and pretends to care. Somehow I have learned how to allow someone to say and do the cruelest things and cling to them even harder. Somehow, I have learned that continually compromising myself is what love is all about. So, like my mom, I just stopped. I think I am jealous of Steffy Blondell, my character in the show. She knows how to be in a relationship, and a difficult one at that. Yeah, she’s been dating a man for two years who is afraid of commitment, but she still goes to work every day and takes excellent care of her family. She has not lost who and how she is. She is not afraid to finally confront this man and ask for exactly what she wants, knowing she could lose everything. She knows if she stays she could lose even more, she could lose herself. I don’t know how to be like that. I wish I could. Being jealous of her is blocking my ability to be her…when we are jealous of someone we start to hate them a little. I have had no problem playing characters I do not like, in fact, sometimes I prefer it. Maybe that’s the problem, maybe I like Steffy Blondell. Maybe I like her so much I wish I could be more like her. She must live inside of me somewhere. I walked away from a relationship that was killing me. I thought he could change. I knew that he wouldn’t. Steffy is in a relationship she likes. I’ve never been in a relationship I liked. I can’t find her! There are many other things blocking me from just allowing her to be. I compare myself to other actors and find myself frustrated because I feel like I do not have the natural talent or emotional depth that they have. I’m not sure if I can turn it on and off the way they do. I feel if I go into the emotional roller coaster that might be necessary for this character, that I might not be able to finish the ride because I will be exhausted, and have nothing left when it’s time to deliver the final product, or maybe I won’t be able to make it back. I would love to talk to the other actors about some of these thoughts and feelings, but I’m afraid they won’t understand, or they’ll second-guess my ability, or they’ll judge me. Isn’t that silly? I think I am afraid that the people who see this show are going to know how overrated I am, and it’s killing me. Hey, at least the pressure will be off, right? I like the pressure. I hope I look back on this journey and realize how necessary it was for me to be in this agony in order to take it to the next level. It’s been said, “It’s through overcoming obstacles that we grow.” Even if it is just for me to realize that I am not cut out for this, and I need to move on, and just do it for fun every once in a while. I hope not.