Standing Outside the Fire...but not for long

i know everything will make more sense tomorrow, after some sleep. i don't know why i'm still awake...i've been awake since 4:30 this morning. it was a long day of sitting, writing early morning messages, listening to instructions about how to communicate with guests in the house, taking a depressing tour around saginaw, and then off to the church to tell the kids that i'm leaving. not a very good day. obviously this is not a good time to evaluate things. the truth is i'm not evaluating anything. i'm just sitting here staring at the computer. i would love to post one of those bulletins that people post sometimes, you know, that say they need a friend, or are feeling down and want someone to call. i'm afraid if i do that someone will call, and i'll just be annoyed to use up my pre-paid minutes over a pity party that i would feel guilty about later, or i might not even need to have after i've already posted the bulletin. or i'll hate that people know that tonight is not a good night. does that make sense? mostly in these moments i push through it by myself...seems safer that way. this is one of those nights that i would like to have someone here, though, to just sit and watch a movie with, or just sit, you know? but it seems like if you call a guy for something like that they expect other things, and at this point i know myself well enough to know i am too tired and too weak to protest, so i do not call. sometimes i wish i were still young and stupid enough to make that call. when i wake up in the morning, i'm always relieved i didn't call. i already feel a bit better. i think i just feel trapped, too. and anybody that knows me well, knows that's one of the worst things for me. my gas light turned on and i am out of money. i get paid next thursday for my last few days at the church, so i will be walking and riding a bike for a week, but i really won't be riding anywhere that costs money. that normally wouldn't be a problem, people go without vehicles in this town all the time...there's only two of us with vehicles in this house. it's all a matter of perspective, and i understand that completely. however, i do not have any house days until next week when school starts, so i am basically completely free the next five days, but with no money to get out of here. it's humbling, i get it. now i know how all these people feel on a daily basis in this town who are stuck. at least i'm only stuck for a week, some of these people never see the light, never get a chance to feel free in their lives. and all i can think about is myself. my brother's in jail...again. there, i said it. for everyone to read. i'm sick of it...i'm so sick of hurting for him. i'm so sick of worrying about him. i'm so sick of seeing my mom just crumble when she can't take any more. life has been rough on her...she deserves a break. i would just like to make enough money when i get done with school to pay my loans and take care of my mom. that's it. i don't care about all that other bullshit...it's just stuff...it's just pressure from society to matter, to make it big, to live the life...my mom deserves the life. she has worked her tail off and raised four kids on her own...she has given up everything...she deserves it...let her have it. i don't even want it. ah. now the tears are coming...it's about time...for a while there i was beginning to think they'd left for good. i just want to give people a fair shot. they say in america everybody gets a shot, a chance to build on a dream...i say bullshit. you're going to tell me that a baby born in the projects to a mother who is addicted to crack has the same shot as those celebrity babies you see all over the tabloids...bullshit. we all know it...why are we so apathetic? john mayer says that this generation is "waiting on the world to change"...okay, that's a great idea, lets just sit around and wait for someone else to fix it. maybe if we get caught up enough in our own worlds we might not even notice problems exist. our biggest worry is whether or not we got a part in the school play. screw the school play. half of the kids who secretly dream of being accepted, receiving a standing ovation just for being who they are, will never get that chance because our society, that we have created, sets them up to fail. we created it, so we need to fix it...and we can. i truly believe that we can. man, i know we can. aha. the tears have dried to my cheeks and a new fire burns in my soul. i refuse to "stand outside the fire." like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego i'm going in with nothing but the good Lord to save me. ahhh...awake again, a new fire...or maybe the same old flame ignited once more...in three hours i'll be up 24 hours...that's just the way my God works.