lacrimosa in lansing

8-23-08 east lansing 1:15am

i am so annoyed, and trying not to be, but it’s just festering inside of me. i wish i could sulk my way into whatever i wanted. you would think after so long you would start to act like a grown-up...maybe it’s me who needs to grow up. walking out of the room while rolling my eyes to let people know i’m annoyed is not a grown-up thing to do...

i need to re-direct my energy right now. they say “your present focus determines your present feelings”. i need to red-direct my focus...

i had a good weekend with the theatre festival. it makes me want to start a festival like this in saginaw. i really want to do this...

i have to follow through, though. it’s easy to say i’m annoyed at people that say they want a festival like this in saginaw, when i know they are just saying it in the moment to sound like they initiate things, but they really would not be willing to put any of the leg work into it. the truth is, though, i think i’m annoyed because that is actually an insecurity within myself. i’m afraid that i am all talk and not willing to do the hard stuff to see things through.

i find myself wanting to talk this over with someone, and that annoys me, too...i feel like there might be some understanding there, but i don’t think that’s necessarily true. my jealousy is insecurity, and nothing more.

i can’t believe sometimes the selfishness i see around me...but if i notice it so much, is that a sign that it’s time to reflect on the selfishness within me? the things i find so annoying in others...is it just something within myself that needs to be considered?

God, help me to be a better person. I want to be a better servant...a better giver...a better woman...a better friend. I want to be good. I don’t like feeling angry, annoyed, jealous, or cruel. I can’t even write...I erase it and start again...I just...I want to do the right thing. I want to be a good person. I want to glorify You, Lord....in word...but more in my actions...in my life. Your Grace and Mercy...Your goodness...that is what is important...help me to be more forgiving. I know that means You will probably put me in a position to have to forgive, but so be it. With You and Your Spirit within me, I can do all things, Lord...I am up to the challenge. Help me to work on me, and not be so concerned about what others say and do. Help me to listen for Your voice, and seek Your love in others, and give Your love to others, and concentration on nothing else...

Lord...I am blessed. Forgive me, Lord. Thank you for speaking directly to my heart in this moment and bringing me back to You. Nothing good happens without You. Thank you for all of the people in my life...every single one. I have learned so much, and yet I feel I have such a long way to go. Just when I think I’m making progress, I feel like I take two steps back.

Lord...help me to continue to move forward. Open my heart to Your possibilities. I want to work hard and give everything else to You. Whatever You have planned for me is much greater than anything I could come up with....make my dreams Your dreams, Lord. It hurts sometimes...but with You in it...I can’t lose. I love You, Lord. Forgive me...help me to forgive. You deserve more than me, Lord.

Mozart's Requiem-Lacrimosa (lyrics+translation)

insomnia blah

august 21, 2009 east lansing 3:16am

why do we always think that demeaning someone is funny? i do it just as much as everyone else...but why? do we get a little bit of satisfaction out of making someone look bad? is it insecurity on our part? are we trying too hard? are we not trying hard enough? i don’t know.

i’m in an apartment full of people and i feel completely alone. that is why i love to be alone. i don’t feel lonely when i’m alone. i often feel the loneliness when i am with other people. you would think after all this time, i would figure myself out enough to know why, but i don’t have a clue. sometimes i feel like they don’t know me...but that just sounds like teenage dramatics. maybe there’s a bit of truth to those teenage dramatics. maybe that’s why i can relate to teenagers so well. i believe them. i know what they’re feeling is real, no matter how foolish it sounds to the rest of us.

i want to be the best person i can be for the people in this apartment with me. i’m glad i have this time to myself, while they all sleep peacefully, to gather my thoughts and start over again. sometimes i need this time to gain perspective. i’m not perfect. i definitely make mistakes. i know my perspective can be off because it’s based on my emotions or ‘feelings’. instead of getting annoyed with them, and desiring to be alone, maybe it’s time to check into what i can do differently to make this situation better. there is always something i can do differently...better. i want to be better. i want to do the right thing. i can learn from this situation. i can learn something from each one of them. i desire to make them feel important...no matter what that means for me.

uh oh, the woe is me perspective is trying to creep in...what to do? do i write it out, so it’s out on paper, and i can see how ridiculous it all is in retrospect? do i squash it and not even allow it to completely form in my heart or mind? is it going to be there no matter what i decide to do with it? i don’t know what to do. what is the best option at this point? i want so badly to do the right thing. since it so often feels like i do the wrong thing, maybe it’s time to do the opposite of what i feel is right. i feel like i want to write it out and get it all on paper so it stops floating around my head. i will not do that...i will squash it before it has a chance to form. i think those thoughts are just an excuse for me to feel sorry for myself and to be annoyed or hurt by other people. i seem to be the most comfortable when i am in the pits and feeling sorry for myself. that is pathetic. it’s time to do something different. it’s time to move on in my mind and not even relish the thought of the woe is me attitude.

it’s time for me to close the computer and talk to God for a bit before, hopefully, going to sleep...it’s time for something different.