insomnia blah

august 21, 2009 east lansing 3:16am

why do we always think that demeaning someone is funny? i do it just as much as everyone else...but why? do we get a little bit of satisfaction out of making someone look bad? is it insecurity on our part? are we trying too hard? are we not trying hard enough? i don’t know.

i’m in an apartment full of people and i feel completely alone. that is why i love to be alone. i don’t feel lonely when i’m alone. i often feel the loneliness when i am with other people. you would think after all this time, i would figure myself out enough to know why, but i don’t have a clue. sometimes i feel like they don’t know me...but that just sounds like teenage dramatics. maybe there’s a bit of truth to those teenage dramatics. maybe that’s why i can relate to teenagers so well. i believe them. i know what they’re feeling is real, no matter how foolish it sounds to the rest of us.

i want to be the best person i can be for the people in this apartment with me. i’m glad i have this time to myself, while they all sleep peacefully, to gather my thoughts and start over again. sometimes i need this time to gain perspective. i’m not perfect. i definitely make mistakes. i know my perspective can be off because it’s based on my emotions or ‘feelings’. instead of getting annoyed with them, and desiring to be alone, maybe it’s time to check into what i can do differently to make this situation better. there is always something i can do differently...better. i want to be better. i want to do the right thing. i can learn from this situation. i can learn something from each one of them. i desire to make them feel important...no matter what that means for me.

uh oh, the woe is me perspective is trying to creep in...what to do? do i write it out, so it’s out on paper, and i can see how ridiculous it all is in retrospect? do i squash it and not even allow it to completely form in my heart or mind? is it going to be there no matter what i decide to do with it? i don’t know what to do. what is the best option at this point? i want so badly to do the right thing. since it so often feels like i do the wrong thing, maybe it’s time to do the opposite of what i feel is right. i feel like i want to write it out and get it all on paper so it stops floating around my head. i will not do that...i will squash it before it has a chance to form. i think those thoughts are just an excuse for me to feel sorry for myself and to be annoyed or hurt by other people. i seem to be the most comfortable when i am in the pits and feeling sorry for myself. that is pathetic. it’s time to do something different. it’s time to move on in my mind and not even relish the thought of the woe is me attitude.

it’s time for me to close the computer and talk to God for a bit before, hopefully, going to sleep...it’s time for something different.