I just hopped on to add something to my blog, not sure what to write exactly, and found this draft that I had never actually published from back in April. It's actually exactly what I needed to hear on this New Year's Eve. It makes me a little sad to think that nothing has changed since I wrote this...that I still need to hear these words, my words, from so long ago. Perfect post for today. Happy New Year!
I forgot my computer cord at school, so I have 15 minutes to write before my computer goes dead. Good. I have a tendency to babble anyway, or take waaaay too long to write too few words.
I make excuses. I do some things that I find myself telling my students not to do. I don't do some of the things that I tell my students they need or should want to do. I tell them 'I can't make you do anything. I can't even make you want to do something. I can do my best, but I can't make you do yours. I can hold you accountable for your actions in my classroom, but if you do just enough to get by with a decent grade, or to fly under or just over the radar, I cannot push you one way or the other from there. Where you go from this moment forward is entirely up to you.' Maybe I should listen to myself every once in a while. Well, I do. Hence me writing this blog.
I make excuses about my time. I make excuses about my attitude. I make excuses about my physical health. Spending a lot of time recently in one of my least favorite places, the hospital, has made me more aware of just how lucky I am to have this able body and sound mind. I watched a man, a grown man, cry out to nurses because he was confused, and scared, and he just wanted to be able to walk to the bathroom himself.
Nobody can make me appreciate it. Nobody can make me, or talk me into, utilizing both of those things to their fullest potential. Nobody is going to hand me the answers, or make life better for me. The worst thing I can do is nothing.
I have a body that is capable of going the distance. I have a mind that can create, imagine, draw conclusions, analyze, and problem solve. I have strength. I have knowledge. I have compassion and willpower. I have people who love me, and I have people to love. There is always somebody who needs me. There are so many people who need somebody. I have a God who has promised me that He will never leave, and I believe Him. I have faith. What I do with all of those things is entirely up to me.
I have an amazing job. I do not believe it is what I am meant to do forever, but I do know it is where I am now. Instead of agonizing over where I should be, what I should be doing, what I want to accomplish, where I want to go, I will be present...here. If I can't, or won't, do everything with what I've got, why in the world should I expect anything more? The conferences with parents and students tonight showed me why I am here. Some of these kids are at a critical point...a turning point where a decision will be made what direction they go from here. It is in their hands, it is up to them, and there is no way to rise up from here and be successful unless they work. How can I ask them to do it, how can I teach them to do it, how can I show them how to do it if I don't do it? I work hard. I work too hard at some things, and not hard enough on a lot of the important things. I want these children to be successful. I want these kids to believe that they can be successful. If I keep looking so hard at myself I am going to begin to lose sight of everyone else. Little opportunities come up every day to bless a ton of people. Nobody can make me do it. Nobody can make me want to do it, and there is no way for me to rise up from here unless I work.
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