happy keester

It seems like whenever I see someone else doing something, or watch something amazing, I seem to think it’s my new calling. That’s weird, isn’t it? Like, I just read a novel written by one of my friends, and suddenly I find myself writing all the time now. I watch the NCAA tournament, and I want to get back in the gym and shoot around. I watch a play, and can’t wait for rehearsal. I’ve recently learned to knit, and am currently working on a puzzle. I have taken piano lessons, and now take drum lessons. I desire to take dance lessons more than anything, but I’m afraid I’ll be good. Is that weird? I hibernate in my apartment. I have succeeded to isolate myself from almost everyone. Lately, I haven’t been feeling too good about it, but I don’t know how to fix it, and I’m not so sure I even want to. I have no desire to invite people over, and I have no desire to go anywhere else when I’m here. Part of it is lack of money, I’m sure, because most things take money. I enjoy getting out when I have rehearsal, or to go to my church in the evening. I have seriously become a hermit. I wouldn’t mind so much, except I have also become quite lazy. I want to step out from this lifestyle, but I feel so rested and calm, I’ve fallen in love with it. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can say I feel at peace, because I’m constantly feeling guilty for sitting around thinking about everything. I’ve begun talking to people out loud, instead of in my head. I have full conversations, until I realize I’m talking out loud and end the conversation mid-sentence. I have a desire to connect with other people, and I yearn for that human companionship sometimes. However, I love this new state I’ve found because I feel like I have time to think, and to read, but mostly to think. I have time to form a whole thought, dive deep within that thought to find the contradiction, and circle back around to a resolution, which usually leads me to another contradiction. It’s a relief. However, I know that I need interaction with others. I don’t need much, but I do much better as a person when I find balance. Social situations and intimacy are part of that balance. Like I said, I’ve never needed very much, but to connect with someone on a higher level at least once in a while would do me good. I don’t really know how to get there from here. I know it could be a matter of picking up the phone and calling someone to hang out, but what if I don’t feel like it when the plans are made, or I don’t have money, or they say no, or they expect more out of me than I can give, or I expect more out of them than they can give, or everything works out really well and I want to hang out with people more, and soon I become very social again, and lose this alone time, and the scales tip in the opposite direction. I have a tendency to get in ruts of severe unbalance, if that’s even a sentence. I get to hang out with my mom today, but deep down I’d rather hang around my apartment in my sweatpants. Isn’t that weird? There is no pressure when I hang out with my mom, we just chill. I know I will feel good about it once I’m home again tonight after hanging out with her. I just can’t seem to get my butt moving to make the trip, or pick up the phone to make the call. I’d rather sit and do nothing. Usually I end up getting up and doing something for a while, like I started to organize the pile of stuff I have in my kitchen, but I only get so far and then something else catches my attention, and I stop. I get excited when I think about doing it, and it’s always like 3 in the morning, and I’m like ‘ok, tomorrow I will do it, and it will be great, but I can’t get into it now cuz it’s 3 in the morning’. Then tomorrow comes, and I find something else because I’m not motivated to do it anymore. It’s a vicious cycle. I know it will take discipline to get out of it, but I think part of me likes this low-key, low responsibility lifestyle. I know it’s not very fulfilling, though, and I think that’s what keeps jabbing me in the side about it. I need to stop typing right now and go see my mom. It’s weird, I know I should be doing something else, so the words really start flowing on the page. I have begun to give into those urges and do whatever is in me to do. Is that beneficial? I don’t know. A lot of good things have come from doing that, creatively speaking. Unfortunately, I’ve dropped a lot of responsibilities and really can’t hope to move forward very fast if I continue down this path. What is forward anyway, though? I’m at peace, and I’m calm, and I’m not starving. Why not sit and create? Why not hang out by myself, if that’s what suits me? I can’t help but feel there is some sort of balance that needs to be maintained, even in this lifestyle. My body is the type that just needs to move, so I know I will never become stagnant. I know I will continue to thrust myself into social situations, even if I still maintain an isolated lifestyle. I am always meeting new people, and finding out all about them. I think what I’ve been feeling lately is that a lot of people don’t know much about me. That’s selfish though, isn’t it? I’m being selfish right now, because I’m continuing to write even though I know I should be getting dressed and out the door to see my mom and honor the time I told her I would be there. However, I can’t help but feel she would understand if I told her I had an epiphany and needed to write for a while. That doesn’t make it right, though, does it? If I’m meant to write these thoughts down they’ll come later won’t they? I’ve found that’s not always the case. Am I selfish for sitting here and writing, knowing I’ll be a better person if I get this stuff down? Alright, I can sense the thoughts beginning to fade. That’s good. It’s time to get dressed and go. Now I was able to write, and I’m also able to go spend time with my mom and still be reasonably on time. To me, that’s balance.