Love is.....

On Sunday Pastor Bill said something that will stay with me forever, it was a quote, but I forget who said it (sorry) "You can only love God as much as you love the person you love the least." After careful consideration I realized the person I loved the least was me. Then, I knew that wasn't true, cuz if it were, people wouldn't frustrate me, and I would never have cause to feel cheated or wronged, cuz I would just assume I deserved it. So....after recognizing how selfish it was for me to reflect on myself first, I realized that God loves Osama Bin Laden as much as He loves me, but He also loves Mother Theresa as much as He loves me, too. Do I love everyone the same like that? Or do I love the people more who can give something back to me, even if it's just gratification? Being honest with myself is so hard, but I know that I do not love everyone equally. Oh, I try sometimes. I try to love the people no one else loves, but am I also loving the people that don't love them? That is a great challenge that I am willing to accept. It kind of makes everything else that I'm worried about seem trivial and silly.

Lazy Days of Autumn? Yeah Right.......

I think it's time to slow down a little bit...unfortunately, my busiest time is coming up in the next four weeks, actually, next seven weeks. it's going to pick up even more on sunday and not slow down again until the last week of november. i couldn't sleep last night. i had the place to myself, which is always a blessing, but I didn't even get home until after 11, and it was so quiet....but i was up until 6am. I think everything just hit me all at once. God is so good to me during those times, offering me a new perspective after I've just freaked out for a few hours. His perspective is not really what I wanted to hear, but it's always exactly what I need to hear. My priorities have been a little mixed up this week. My main concentration has been Homecoming and Alpha Psi. I need to focus on the church - since it is my job (a.k.a. my income), and my classes, but I don't have any time. I need to make time because I have enough money to cover rent on the 1st, and gas for next week, and that's it. I hate money. I hate needing it, and I hate wanting it. Most of all, I hate when I don't have it...it shouldn't matter, but it does. When I am financially okay, I can usually make anything else work. It's times like these, when it needs to become a priority but there isn't any room for it, that I begin to get anxious and weary. The devil would love me to stay that way. I know better, and I know God is always victorious. He has always provided a way, but only if I am willing to realign my priorities and get it straight. This is the worst time for this wake-up call because everything needs my attention right now. However, it is also the best time, cuz God is getting my attention before things are totally out of control. I am truly blessed.

(Bob, Ann Marie, Me and Carp) This was the wierdest group of friends...but we had some of the best times!! My friend Bob, the crazy in the grey shirt, is 26 on Sunday..HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOB!!! 

Time After Time

It's 3:30 in the morning.....and, yep, I'm still awake. Things have been kinda crazy lately. I've been craving a lot of alone time. Rehearsal is my favorite time of the day...but I have been having to put in a couple extra hours of practice in each day as well, since I'm not as musically inclined as the others. I love going into the piano practice rooms and fighting my way through a song until I have my part down. I've learned a lot about music, how to read music, and harmonizing (since I sing the dreaded alto part). I love it. I absolutely love it. There is so much to do all the time. I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions right now and it continues to build. I love all that I am involved in, but it does get hard to manage at times. I am behind in some things, and need to take some time to catch up and get my bearings back. I know myself well enough, however, to realize that, when I am busy, that is when I am the most productive. There is something almost peaceful about being up at this time, just taking everything in and gaining a new perspective on all of it. The truth is, none of it truly matters. I mean, it matters to a certain degree, but it is not the most important thing. The problem is, the one thing that does matter, is the one thing I feel like I'm lacking the most right now, or spending the least amount of time on. I do not talk directly to God nearly enough. I know He hears me and I listen for His leading, however, I often act or react on impulse and don't take the time necessary to allow God to work in my heart concerning my day-to-day decisions. I have not built up my relationships with people, either, but have begun to actually build up a wall instead. I'm not really sure why, and I'm not exactly sure how to go about tearing down what I have built so far. I'm sure it will take some time. It has been really hard to focus on classes this week, in fact, I haven't focused on them at all, and have some repair work to do there, as well. Suddenly, my mind feels so clear, and I know it is God opening me up to new possibilities of enlightenment. The pressure is off in this moment, and I am content. Today is a new day. God is the same God. I can be whoever I make up my mind to be. Right now I want to be asleep :)

It's 5 o'clock Somewhere

Well....it's 5:30 in the morning and I have officially been wide awake for two hours. I finally gave up and turned the light on just before 5. I find that, instead of tossing and turning for hours and finally falling asleep just minutes before I have to wake up, and becoming frustrated, it's just better to get up and get some things done while I'm awake. It's kind of nice to be up when you know most of the world is asleep....sometimes. I think it gives God time to reckon with my heart. I don't usually do homework or anything like that during times like these. Instead, I usually do something that is going to help me become a better person. I figure, if I'm up at this time, God must have something pretty important to tell me. Usually, He does. I'm sitting at the computer and the screen is all blurry because my allergies have decided to go into full-blown attack mode, we have two animals in the house - I'm sure that's not helping. I managed to catch a pretty crazy cold, too. The timing couldn't be better, what with school starting, auditions, Alpha Psi stuff, and things at the church really starting to get rolling. Despite all of that, my spirits are high at the moment. I know, whose spirit can possibly be high at 5:30 in the morning? Check up on me and see how I'm doing about 4 o'clock tomorrow (or today, actually), when I know I have to sit through a three hour class, and I've already trudged through a long day....my spirit may leave something to be desired then, but I'll try to make the best of it. I just did Satin Hands from Mary Kay on my hands and gave myself a manicure.....and now I'm eating a doughnut leftover from the meeting at church. Believe me, I am a better person because of this doughnut :). Whoever invented custard-filled chocolate glazed doughnuts oughtta win the Nobel Peace Prize. Oh yeah....auditions last week were craaazy! There were so many good people, it was fun to watch everyone. The singing part of it was so nerve racking. I did not do well with that part, but I didn't give up and knew that, since my singing was below mediocre, I had to really step it up for the reading and dancing parts. It must have been enough because I got the part I wanted!! I couldn't believe it, and I still can't believe it. We are doing "Bat Boy: The Musical" and I am the mayor of the town, Mayor Maggie. It is going to be a very fun character to develop. I like to think she's a cross between Hillary Clinton and Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies...should be interesting. I am so blessed to be able to be a part of this show. There were a lot of good people that did not get cast. I still am bewildered when I think about it. We are also doing "Elephant Man". The auditions are in a couple of weeks. It's a really great show, and I would love to be part of it. Unfortunately, with auditions and rehearsals starting before "Bat Boy" even hits the stage, and many good people going after the few roles there are, it's not really looking high in my favor. I am going to audition, though, and give it 100%. Hopefully, I'll be able to squeeze into that show as well, and work very hard to earn a spot. Everything happens just as it should....as long as I know I did my best, I'm satisfied with what comes out of all of this. I'm going to go upstairs and get myself organized to ensure that everything that needs to be done this week will get done. I know it won't ALL get done, but it would be nice to at least make a dent in my to-do list. It's the second week of school and I feel like I'm already a little behind. I just added a Tuesday/Thursday English class on Friday. That means I've already missed the first two classes. Hopefully, I can bear down and catch up.............hopefully. Well, I better get upstairs and do something a little more productive than sitting in front of the computer writing to myself. Good night.....or, good morning....whichever makes you feel better.

Lights, Camera, Action!

So.....i just walked out of my U.S. public policy-making class (we got out early..yesss!) and the prof. only lectured for 45 minutes. i have 10-12 pages of notes, that's front AND back. that's just madness. fortunately, the subject matter intrigues me, but most things intrigue me, even science, a little. kinda makes me wonder what it's going to be like when she lectures the whole 3 hours. i think we are going to have the first half be a quiz on the reading (usually 3-4 chapters a week, along with some journals and articles or reviews on policies and impacts and so forth) then some discussion w/ a small group to gain a better understanding of what we read, and finally, an hour and a half lecture so she can fill in the gaps that the readings left out....what? you mean there's more? now, to any normal person, well, one that likes this stuff like i do anyway, this doesn't sound incredibly impossible. unfortunately, i have, what some might call a deficiency in the memory department of my brain, and what some might call, an overabundance in the energy department. i love to learn. i love to process material, gain perspective from others (even those who might be less informed on the subject matter), and sort out how i can use what i've gained to make a contribution, whether through informing others, making informed decisions, myself, or taking action. however, so many times i have tried to retain all this information....and it just doesn't seem possible for me. i have a particularly hard time with names and dates, processes, even names of theories and who formed them and sometimes even how it all relates to the subject matter at hand. while the professor is lecturing i understand completely. while people are discussing, i can comprehend and follow the discussion. when i am reading, i can understand what the writer's intentions are....if i can stay focused long enough to get to that part. i use all of this information to form what i feel and what i need to do. unfortunately, if you asked me to back up how i feel, i might not be able to be very specific. this is very frustrating. i think i come off as flaky or unaware sometimes, especially when i am in a room full of powerful personalities (not necessarily powerful people, i usually like hanging out with them). i am so self-conscious that i am not going to be able to dig out of my brain the proper material i will need to help explain where i am coming from, that i often keep my mouth shut, or, the powerful personalities are so busy yelling at each other, there's really no room for any real discussion anyway. sometimes i try to engage in conversation with some of the quieter people, only to realize that some of them are really uninformed and choose to stay that way so they don't feel accountable or responsible. hey, sometimes it's tempting, but the better part of me that would like to pursue the higher ground won't allow me to become stagnant. thank goodness. i think what it boils down to is that i like to gain any knowledge in any subject, whether it's stats on the last football game, what the latest fads are for teenagers so i can use it to discuss where God fits in for them and gain new material for ministry, what different plays are considered "good theatre" and why, what programs are available in the community and what can we do to improve them, marlow's pyramid on what a person needs to survive (in dealing with social work and crisis situations), basic communication methods and how to improve them, technology, astronomy, zoology, psychology, Philippians Chapter 4, what's new in washington and who's griping about it and why, the latest national crisis, the most innovative fundraising ideas and how to execute them, different ideas on setting goals and being a good leader, etc. etc. etc. etc. seriously, the list goes on forever.....and that's just the information i've obtained within the last three days. i feel like i'm on information overload, but i love to be knowledgable about many different areas, so i can communicate and relate to a lot of different people. when it comes down to it, though, i realize that sometimes you have to stop and look around you and just see what's going on right now, where you are. i know that means i might not be obtaining information at that time...i hardly ever retain it anyway, right? :) but, i actually am obtaining information, just of a different sort. i'm learning about people, real people that are in my world, and what i can do to make their world a little easier. i guess that is more important than being up-to-date on the latest stats sometimes. maybe it's not so frustrating after all, maybe it's exactly how i am supposed to be to fulfill the purpose God created me for. maybe....instead of being so frustrated because i fear i'll be unable to hold my own in a conversation about different aspects of theatre, politics, or anything else....i'll just relax and realize that, that person who thought they just outsmarted me in a political debate discussing the ramifications of the Bush administration on small business, probably has no idea what the score was in the Lion's game last night....but i know a little about both :) well, i better go. i have an audition tonight....i get to go onstage and completely jump into the life of someone else for a while...and hope that i interpreted it the same way the director feels it should be....why is everything a contest?

Empty Stage

It's funny, the way your mind wanders when there's nobody around to interrupt the thought process. It's almost scary sometimes to think how far your mind can take you before you realize that you have lost yourself, for a moment, in a world that only exists because some stimuli triggered your thought process. You bring yourself slowly back to the reality that is in front of you, and hope no one could guess what you were thinking by the expression on your face. Or sometimes, when there's nothing, and after a while you force yourself to think of something to remind yourself that you are still capable of thought, and that you are not lost in the nothing that is in your head. The most intriguing, though, is the moment where everything clicks. You've been racking your brain about something, anything really, and it all comes together, and suddenly, you have a plan. Huh. It seems those moments of clarity can't last too long, though. It's nice and all, but I think I feel better when I'm processing things. It reminds me that there's always room to grow. In those moments, however, I can also sit back and appreciate how far I've come. Hm. I've learned a lot in the quiet moments.

A lot can happen in a month......

or, sometimes, nothing at all..... wow, it's almost been too long since i wrote last to catch up on everything....so i won't. spent the fourth of july in cass city with family. it rocked.....but it always does. the fourth is one of my favorite holidays, along with christmas. i've been to the church a few times, but don't really know what God is leading me to do there, yet. i'm sure that will begin to come together in the next couple of weeks. started doing a show at the zoo on saturdays...song and dance thing, with a tour of some of the animals....it's sooo disney channel, and it is a blast! still working at the juvenile home, this week is my last week.....i'm kinda having a hard time with that. junior camp at bay shore was last week, and that totally rocked!! super cal was back again, and full of energy.....got to witness one of my kids from elkton decide to make Jesus a big part of her life....i will never forget it....and i can't wait to meet up with her in heaven. my friend Jen got married this weekend, as did my friends Arin and Shupe....best of luck!! it's three thirty in the morning and i can't sleep......i have to be up in three and a half hours.....it's not looking good, but i'll manage. sometimes these restless nights are good for me....gives me some time to pray and hash things out in my head. i don't pray enough. it's a good thing my Spirit prays on my behalf with groans that go beyond words, but i still need to pray more. it's too easy to think of God as a distant relative that we only see at holidays, and maybe talk to once in a while when something reminds us of Him, or He's sent us something great. God is my Father....Jesus is my best friend....and the Holy Spirit sweeps the halls of my heart every day. there's nothing distant about that. 'night.

'Sup?

word up. i haven't written in a while, so i figured i'd log on and throw somethin' up here to keep this blog up to date. i just went to see one of my roommates in a play at svsu. it's called "waiting for godot", maybe you've heard of it. it's theatre of the absurd, so it's kinda hard to do, but they pulled it off well. props to the cast and crew! i'm workin' on the weekdays at the juvie home. i don't think i'll ever get used to wakin' up early every day, but i really like the job so it's worth it. word. i haven't started at the church. did i ever mention that i got a job as a youth director? yeah...it's at westminster presbyterian in bay city. i've only been to a presbyterian church once in my whole life, but i figure God wants me there, He loves us all the same, who am i to argue? i'm headin' to grand rapids this weekend for the annual summer picnic with the delt sigs. seriously.....rock on. alpha psi omega is up and kickin'. we had one brainstorm meeting, and one e-board meeting. the cast freakin' rocks so far! (they call them casts instead of chapters, i think that's pretty creative.) hopefully we can get some of the big planning stuff out of the way before the year starts, and just carry out said plans once the year gets rolling, hopefully with minimal yucky stuff. break a leg.... i really want to step out of my comfort zone this year with theatre and work very hard. we have a couple musicals that i believe will stretch me. i am not musically inclined, but believe i can be if i continue to work at it. i figure i will take what i can get, as long as i know i gave it my all...who am i to argue? just keep swimming.... helped out at holy cross the other day. it was good to see the guys again. a couple have gone home, and a couple more are on their way. i truly wish them the best, and know they have it in them to stay out of trouble. some will, some won't....as long as i know i did my best to love them, and guide them as much as was possible for me....i now realize it is not up to me to save them....i trust God has that taken care of.....God rocks. I just found out that one of my best friends ever, Mike "Carp" Yates, and his wife Katie are expecting a baby!!! way to go mike! yay you. i just want everyone to know that i love my mom very much....that's all. good night.

These are my crazy roommates!! 

Getting pumped up before "The Tempest" (I'm somesomewhere in the middle) 

Me and "Ferdinand" 

"The Tempest" April 2005 

"The Little Prince" 

This hat weighed like 10 pounds! 

Random 1 o'clock Thoughts

I love the fourth of july, but i'm not too fond of the eleventh. that's not meant to be funny, it is what it is. it's funny how different dates have different significance to different people, kinda like different songs or colors or smells. we all live in the same world and it means something different to each of us. we all cope differently, and react differently to the same situation. "it's what makes the world go round." not really, though, the world would go round even if there were no people on it. one time, a friend of mine had told me that it seemed like a cop out to him to give the explanation "cuz God made it that way" to everything. that made me laugh. actually, it kinda made me sad back then, but it makes me laugh now. if it were such a simple thing, wouldn't more people believe it, or even say it, at least? Abe Lincoln once said that "truth is not determined by how many people believe it." rock on, abe. people have always amazed me. i often wonder what they are thinking, what motivates them to do what they do, or say what they say. i think about how they say things compared to what's probably really going on in their minds, and what compels them to change it somewhere in-between. or how about those people that don't talk often? those people intrigue me the most, because they are usually the ones that get the most respect. i know that, yet, i still can't keep my mouth shut. you shouldn't be who you aren't to gain respect, i suppose. if i can't get it being me, i don't deserve it acting like someone else. i often say the wrong thing at the right time, or the right thing at the wrong time, but it all comes out eventually. instead of opening up the front door really wide and letting all the bugs in, i think i need to invest in a screen door for my brain, so only the cool breeze can float in, and i don't even have to worry about the bugs. i've got quite a collection, though. maybe it's time to get rid of that, too. all those stupid things i have said or done that still float through my mind, that probably nobody else cares about or even remembers. yeah...maybe i'll try to sell my bug collection on e-bay...some sucker would invest in it for sure...probably a self-sabotager looking for some new material to berade themselves with, after all..."it's what makes the world go round" right? i honestly hope that through my relationship with Jesus Christ, that circle of negativity has been broken.....i know it has. my friend, Lindsay, moved to California today....i wish her the best.

Ode to a Beautiful Day

So many times we just go and go. We forget to take the time to stop, look around, and smile. I have a keypad at my fingertips that communicates to the world the many stories, ideas, and pictures I have swirling around in my soul. That makes me smile. I often have trouble communicating what is going on in my soul at any given moment. It is as if I have an entire symphony playing in my heart, and all that comes out on paper is a piano, alone, playing a simple melody. Sometimes that can be just as sweet. This is what I see in this very moment: I am swimming, in my clothes, floating rather. I am in a pond somewhere, but nowhere, really. I am allowing myself to take in the whole view of the sky, which is a deep blue, with puffy white clouds. My arms move easily through the cool water, as I float deeper into the watercolor sky. That is enough for today. Good night.

A New Chapter Has Begun

Wow! I haven't written a journal entry since April!! I kind of forgot about my journal - which, I guess, is a positive sign, cuz I have been so busy, and things have been so great, it just never crossed my mind. Let's see....what has happened between now and then...."The Tempest" went well, considering the hardships we faced, and I now have a new appreciation for Shakespeare, I was inducted into the Theatre Honor Society of Alpha Psi Omega and was elected President for 05-06, should be a good year, I auditioned for the Theatre Scholarship along with many others, I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that one, I got a chance to emcee the big award show for the theatre department with a friend of mine and it turned out pretty good, according to the comments we have received since then, I took a chance and wrote a play for my final scene in Directing Class, it turned out pretty well, and the girls did awesome performing it, uh, school ended and I managed to keep my grades in the 3-point range, ROCK ON! Overall, I give the year an A, possibly an A+ at times! Recently, God has chosen to bless me even more. I don't know if I can take much more of this - but I'm sure I'll manage :) I moved in with three other friends of mine, and it's going well! We got a duplex in Freeland and it's super nice! I get my own room, the living room is HUGE with a cathedral ceiling, I finally have a dishwasher, and getting a washer and dryer, we have a back and front yard and a two-car garage, we have two full bathrooms and a HUGE basement that rocks! It's nice to have a computer with high-speed internet at my fingertips as well. I'm sure I'll be writing a bit more because of that, and, yes, we have a cat - but Sammy's pretty cool. I look around at what I have and get tears in my eyes because I am so lucky. I know so many people that work very hard and don't have half the luxuries I have right now. It truly makes you appreciate everything God does for you on a daily basis. I am blessed. I have been getting more hours at Holy Cross, which is very good - moving into a new place is expensive! Sometimes it is stressful and you wonder if you're getting anywhere with these guys, but then one of them completes the program, and gets to go home, and you can tell they are a different person than when they came in, and suddenly, it's worth it. Like my friend Justin said once, "we don't see the grass growing, but we know that it does." I fell into another opportunity this summer, and I'm really looking forward to getting started. I applied for an activity leader position at Essexville-Hampton Community Ed. I put together a couple workshops that I would do with the kids at the Detention Center in that area. It would just be a couple days and then I would be done. Well, it turns out their on-site coordinator can't continue through the summer, so they asked me to finish their seven-week program! That would give me thirty hours a week working with different activity leaders and hanging out with the kids all day! They also reserve two slots a week for me to do whatever workshops I come up with as well! Don't get me wrong - it's not day camp, it's lock-up, but kids are kids, and they need to have fun, too, and know that someone cares about them, even if they did mess up. I can do that job and continue with my work at Holy Cross! I'll be pretty busy, but it's so worth it. I applied at a church for a youth director position. I don't think I'm what they are looking for, but I have left it completely in God's hands. I have an itch to get into ministry again, but I have to be really careful. Once school starts back up my schedule is jam-packed crazy!! I had my first meeting as President of Alpha Psi Omega and it went well! It was just a brainstorming session, and we came up with a TON of ideas! Mostly, we just got excited about the possibilities as an organization next year. I hope we can continue that excitement through the year and accomplish many great things. I think we will... Well, I better go....I hope that catches you up a little on what's been going on with me! Things are great, God is great...but God is great all the time, whether things are great or not :) PEACE

No Sweat!

Last night I played basketball for, what felt like, hours....I actually think it was at least a couple hours. I needed that so bad. Sometimes, when my world gets stale it means I need to get off my butt and do something about it....and I did. When I got into bed last night I couldn't sleep. I stayed awake praying and thinking until 3 o'clock. I realized that all the things I was thinking about I needed to hand up to God....and I did. I didn't want to hang out with anyone yesterday. I wanted to sit by myself and take everything in. I realized that it wasn't helping me to do that, and I needed to go be with my friends, and appreciate the people God has put into my life at the present time....so I did. I know that if you have unforgiveness in your heart, chances are, God's not hearing your prayers. Looks like I have some apologizing to do, and some forgiveness to ask for......so, here I go....

Swimming, Swimming.......

So many times we feel like we are on the right track. So we begin to relax a little, let go of the wheel, get lazy. That is just what satan wants. He would rather us sit on the fence our whole lives, then to turn our back on God entirely. That way, we bring other believers down with us....and we all just sit on the fence....and wait. I'm uncomfortable sometimes. I tend to think that means it's time to move on. I have to keep reminding myself that, maybe, that's how I'm supposed to feel. This world is not my home. Maybe, when I get uncomfortable, it's just because I'm homesick. I love Mercy Me's song "Homesick". It rings so true in my heart every time I hear it. I miss my friends. I hang out with people here at school. I've gotten to know a lot of great people, and many have become good friends. However, I miss my other friends. I have a group that hangs out here in Saginaw, who I haven't even spoken to in months! My friend Janis is engaged...and I haven't been able to hug her yet and tell her congratulations...and here ALL about it! I miss my friends from Grand Rapids. There are so many people there who I love so much. Sometimes I contemplate moving back. Sometimes I contemplate moving somewhere else. I always get so restless. I have a lot of other friends who live all over the place. I wish I had more time for visiting. I think I'm going to try and open up some days to go see them all this summer. I could really use that right now. I have the play again today. It's really going well. God truly listened to all our prayers, and answered them, as only He can do. I love when I step out on that stage. It is one of the best feelings ever! It's like...you escape...for just a moment....and you get to share it with everyone else. I used to read so many books when I was little. I would lock myself in my bedroom and read for hours almost every day. This is kinda like that, but better. I get the same feeling stepping out on that stage that I used to get reading those books. You ever feel like you're not yourself sometimes? The last couple days, I feel like I haven't been myself. I think it's because my world has become stale to a certain degree. It's my own fault - I know that. I have not dove headlong into God's word in a long time. I have not taken the time, every day, to evaluate and grow and become a better person. I always do that, but lately, I haven't. I miss my alone time. I miss sitting quietly letting the wind whisper God's promises in my ear. I miss having real conversations with people about God's word, and digging to find more about His character. Sometimes, being back in school reminds me of high school. The same old gossip and politics that I despised long ago has crept up on me again. The problem is, instead of rising above it, and walking in the Lord's peace, i grow indignant towards it, and become stubborn, and....hateful. That is not who I am. That is not who I am at all....so, then it makes me sad. I know that most of the students here are younger than me....I forget that sometimes. I just want to be the person God created me to be....and I see her in me sometimes....and I like her. I just want to keep growing, and confronting those demons that have awaked a bitterness in me that comes out at the most inopportune times. I love the Lord and all He has to offer. I choose that. I choose that peace and that hope. I choose to be loved, and I choose to love others.