Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes...

how do you measure a year in the life? that is from a song from "Rent". i would love to go see that show sometime. from my last journal (yikes!) my health has improved immensely. it took over for just over a week, and then one day, it was gone. i was beginning to think that it was a dark cloud that would be there a long time. (that just proves how "anne of green gables" i can be sometimes, caught up in the "depths of despair".) it makes me laugh to think of it now. however, when i am in the midst of it, it's not very funny. God always sustains me in those "sink or swim" moments. he's like the orange floaties on my arms that keep me afloat. i have to go to work now. things have been going well at work. the guys are really coming together as a group. yeah, they have their moments, but all of us do. there are only going to be six guys there tonight. it's nice when there are only a few, cuz that gives me a chance to give them more of the individual attention they are craving so much. it should be a good shift. tomorrow should be good as well. many of the guys are at home until monday, so tomorrow there will be only half of the group. hopefully, in the spirit of the holiday, i might be able to talk to the guys a little bit about Jesus' ressurection, but only if they ask. God guide me through such a conversation! "the tempest" is going well, i think. shakespeare is hard to memorize and even more difficult to comprehend without some sort of help. however, once you have the language down, and understand the message he is trying to convey, it is wonderful to perform! i am a bit concerned about the lead man, who plays my father, but he does have a lot of lines (more than all the rest of us combined) and i'm sure he'll work hard this weekend to get them memorized. we have our first dress rehearsal on monday, and opening night on friday! i'm curious to see what kind of crowd we get. i am so glad that i get to be a part of it. i think we will pull of a very good show. i am running for president of the theatre honor society alpha psi omega. ha. i never thought i would ever "go greek", but this is really important to me. i have a lot of ideas, and i think i have a pretty good chance of winning the election. i hope so. i also have been working hard the last week to catch up on my classes. i have a final scene in my directing class and my acting class that i want to nail! i have been searching through scripts today (it takes a long time!) and have found some pretty good ones in the mix. now i also have to catch up in my poetry class. unfortunately, that is the class that has fallen from my priorities, and it's the hardest one! i really want to keep my grade point up and stay on the dean's list!! it means a lot to me to be on it, it's just hard to find the time to balance everything right now. i talk to God on a regular basis. unfortunately, i know i do not give Him the time that He deserves. it's to my own loss, because i have not received the blessings that could come forth if only i would give the time and energy to His will. how is it, that that is the one thing that is so easily dropped when time is in short supply. that is the one thing that should be most important. God has not forgotten me in spite of it, and i have not forgotten Him. i love that He has blessed me with a hunger to pursue Him when i have stepped away, even for a short time. God has really provided people to hold me accountable (sometimes it is someone i least expect). i would love to type more, but i do not want to be late for work. i am so grateful for the opportunity to work, to do what i love to do, to be surrounded by loving people, and to be sustained and blessed as i go through each day, whether or not i deserve it. "five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes.....how do you measure a year in the life."

i just can't shake it

it's been a full week, and i still can't shake whatever's stealing my energy. i sit and have no desire to do anything. i really just want to go home and go to bed. my throat has been swollen and i just can't lick this thing!! i have rehearsal tonight....then off somewhere else with my brother. hopefully everything works out for the best with all of it. i can't wait for classes to be over!! God is still so good to me....He has been here for me through all of this....I am so grateful to my God for someone to cling to...Jesus!

Crooked Staircase

Call was at 12:30 - it's 1 so many things swimming - no sharks, just whales the whales of responsibility and deadlines how many hours does it take to write a paper? how many hours you got? be a flower, be a lady, be a tempest, be an ice cream cone, ahhh, paint my face and call me rosy but don't call me at three in the morning, zzzzzz Satan yells with clangs and cymbols God whispers in my dreams with wistful songs of peace the stage is dark, black, i cannot see a soul the lights blaze and i am smiling, dreams come true the light is coming from my soul, the Spirit shines A crown of beauty instead of ashes as i drop kick my urn into the ocean I say to the devil "check-mate"

I'm late, I'm later, Crap! I missed it.....

I feel that sums things up pretty good. I don't really have time to type.....must go to rehearsal, aughhhh! I realized last night, as I was hopping into bed around 3 a.m. that I had completely forgotten about my online journal...like, I didn't even think about it once since the last time I wrote. That's wierd....usually I will at least think about it (doesn't mean I'll necessarily do anything about it) but I had completely erased it from my thoughts. I have been busy.....very busy......and I keep getting busier.....but I like my life. God has blessed me greatly!! -My brother is staying with me, cuz he got a job over here in Bay City, so that's been fun -School is getting busier - with scenes to perform, papers to write, projects due, and exams! -I have been rehearsing for "The Little Prince", performances start in a week! -I got the lead female role in "The Tempest" (yay!!!!!!) and rehearsals have begun, YIKES! -Work has been uber-stressful, and I'm trying to squeeze in hours anywhere I can! -I am also helping out by being in scenes for other people's directing classes and things -My mentor said that she would love to continue meeting and discussing God's character and His plan for my life (yay!) -I continue to cast all of my anxieties on the Lord on a daily basis, and He has sustained me!!! -I actually have an hour today to go home and get something to eat (my apartment is a mess!) I know this sounds like a lot, and it definitely is a lot. However, I am having a good time, and still have a peace that transcends all understanding, as long as I keep God in front of me. I still manage to smile and find joy. Yes, I am tired sometimes, but it is a good tired, a fulfillment that comes from a sense of accomplishment and purpose. I do want to start putting a little more time and effort into homework and classwork, getting all I can out of what's being offered to me at this time. I better go....the hour is dwindling....To God Be The Glory!!!

Who needs balance when you have chocolate cake?

I DO!!! when i did youth ministry for a time, one of the lessons i grabbed from the YFC curriculum was on balance. you took a quiz on four areas of your life: spiritual, social, physical and mental, to see where you stood on each. the goal of the quiz was to fall somewhere in the upper-middle of all of them. if you found you were high on one end and low on another, you could re-organize your priorities accordingly. with my life, i have found that balance seems to be the key for me. usually, i find i am lacking in one area at a time. i attempt to fix it, therefore, neglecting another, and then frantically trying to re-focus my energy on that...........it tends to be a vicious cycle, a vicious cycle that is usually manageable. i can usually tell when something is being neglected because i feel unsettled. i can definitely tell when things are balanced because i begin to get the urge to do something stupid to throw it all out of whack again :) lately i have been feeling unsettled, so, naturally, at two o'clock this morning, i couldn't sleep. i started to think about the different areas of my life to see which one was off-balance with the rest and came to a horrifying realization: THEY ALL ARE!! there is not one area of my life that is balanced or focused or on target with where it should be......not even close. it's a wonder i get through each day. the truth is....i don't. i float through each day like a zombie, doing the bare-minimum to simply survive it. my diet is aweful, i have gained weight and feel extremely uncomfortable with myself physically (not because i'm obsessed with it but because i know how my body should feel and i'm not even close to that right now), i haven't been keeping up on my homework because nothing has been "due", and i keep arriving late and unprepared, i'm letting work stress me out beyond what it should, nothing is a priority right now - i just float to the next thing and sit. i haven't done a devotion in over a week, or been to church in two months, ( i have conversations with God every day, which is how i came to the revelation of my present-day, unbalanced existence). i have not been in touch with close friends for quite some time, or returned calls, or really care much about making or breaking plans. i have grown comfortable with the fact that i have run out of clean clothes and my apartment is a disaster......the list can go on and on, but i'll spare the details. that's just the major stuff. while i understand that some fine-tuning is in order, i can also be realistic and understand that it's not going to be completely different overnight. i know i am capable of going into overdrive and turning everything around by this time tomorrow, but eventually i would grow weary and jump back off the wagon and become lazy again. this is not a quick fix situation. it's a matter of finding the small changes i can make in each area to grow closer to the desired level of balance.........i'm not looking forward to the work involved, i'm sure that's why i continually stall the inevitable, but i will feel better and get more out of the things i am involved in. in addition, i will be a better influence on the lives of those i encounter on a daily basis. i will be better for me, and better for them....most of all, i will be better for Him. looks like i better go, i have to do my laundry, walk a bit on the treadmill, eat a balanced meal, do some kind of homework, call an old friend, make plans with a new one, and go to bible study........sounds like a pretty well-balanced night. hopefully that means this headache will finally go away...... ~PEACE~

Would you stop looking at me, please?

To tell you the truth, i have no idea why i just thought of that title for this blog. it seems to fit perfectly, however. i have rehearsal in a bit, so this has to be short. i got a part in "the little prince". i am the rose at the beginning of the play, she is talked about and the very significant part of the the little prince's entire journey. it is a great story, and i'm happy to be a part of it. or maybe i'm just happy to be significant...... i went on this testing thing that i saw on another blog and found out funny stuff about me, that i already knew....it's one of those tests that can explain exactly who you are by asking twelve questions...unfortunately there were two questions that two answers applied to me at the same degree, so i tried the test both ways, and, of course, got two different responses, and, of course, i found they both applied to me in different ways: 9 - YOU ARE A PEACEMAKER you are emotionally stable and willing to find common ground with others. your friends and family often look to you to be the mediator when there is a conflict. you are easy going and accepting. you take things as they come. avoiding conflict at all costs, you're content when things are calm. 4 - YOU ARE THE INDIVIDUALIST you are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. you are creative and dreamy...plus dramatic and unpredictable. you're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel. ah, truth to both, but, just like horoscopes, probably a bit of truth in every one. these are probably just the two that contain the most truth about me. my mind is swimming with words and emotions and puzzle pieces that have yet to find a home right now......my head actually hurts. i feel the need to rest, but only because i know that is not an option. it seems the very thing i need to do is always the last thing i want to. i'm beginning to change that around a bit, by changing my thinking on the matter, however, it still comes to haunt me every so often. rehearsal will be good......my part is small, and i can sit and do whatever i want while the others are doing their blocking, then i can also get my blocking down so i can begin to memorize the text with the blocking. memorization is always my biggest hurdle in a play. i love improv, so i like to make things different every time, but you can't with an actual play. don't get me wrong, i love to committ to a character, the problem always comes in the delivery of the dialogue and the dialogue itself. we concentrated on anger today in our acting class....not my favorite emotion, but a worthwhile experience to say the least. i realized something today in both my acting class, and my poetry class, and i'm sure it applies to my directing class as well. i always thought with art you either have it or you don't. the truth is, it can be learned, and, even if you have all the talent in the world, it still has to be honed in so it's appropriately utilized. i never knew that. i never knew there was technique, and basics involved with poetry or theatre, but there is. that is what devides the trained from the untrained. i have also found that it's actually something i want to take the time to learn. wierd. i have to go to rehearsal...peace.

Another Rockin' Semester......

It looks like another rockin' semester is in the works. I thought it was going to be kinda "eh" compared to last semester, but i think i will be pleasantly surprised. i haven't really gotten back into the school mode yet...i even forgot to grab my book and paper and stuff for my class yesterday...i had to borrow from the computer lab...but it went well...it was public speaking. unfortunately, i have managed to arrive late to every class i've had this week. who arrives late on the first day? apparently, i do. i had originally scheduled a four hour night class - accounting. who does that besides a crazy lady? i wasn't really looking forward to it, but i need it eventually, anyway. then, a friend told me the professor i had for that class was impossible - to understand and to pass without a but load of outside work. i hate outside of class work. i know that's what a majority of college is, outside work, but not to actually have to go through the book and teach yourself everything - in accounting. so.....i was searching the on-line registration, and just happened upon an english class i had previously tried to get in but it was closed. there was one opening in the class - so i signed up. it's a poetry class - ROCK ON! i just got out of it, and it is going to be awesome, it will be outside work, but, chances are it is work i am already doing, on my own time: reading and analyzing poems, and maybe taking a stab at writing some of my own. we'll see....... fate is in my corner, well, not fate, more like faith. the intro to directing class i wanted was completely full with a waiting list of more than ten students. i happen to jump on the computer at the same time that someone dropped the class and managed to squeeze in before someone from the waiting list was contacted - that's awesome! i also am in an intermediate acting class with the more brilliant actors from svsu. in my intro to acting class i was somewhere in the middle, which was good - i am now at the bottom of the barrel staring up in ernest. i am going to learn a ton in this class and be stretched yet again from my little box that has grown increasingly bigger with each risk i take. lastly, i am taking a public speaking course. i am deathly afraid of that class. i do realize, however, so is everyone else who is in there. there will be some brilliant speakers, there will be some not so brilliant speakers. we're all there for the same reason, to get better. i like to think that is what we all have in common, and puts us all on the same level, no matter how brilliant we are or are not. you ever have those moments where something seems so perplexing, then suddenly your mind clears the sun peaks from behind the clouds, and the answer is staring at you as if it had been there in plain english all along? i get that more and more as time goes on. i got that today while analyzing an Emily Dickenson poem for a quiz (that's right..we had a quiz..never mind that i had just signed up for the class today and missed the first one...but the professor said if i bombed it i could make it up somehow....that's reassuring :) anyway....i was staring at her somewhat obscure language and grammatical structure......suddenly i began to write, and as i wrote, more came to me and it began to make sense.....i know, an emily dickenson poem began to make sense!!!! that's crazy. now, the way i see it, i am either completely right on with comparing the "narrow man in the grass" with a skeleton, and a "House of Prose" with the ordinary and uninviting status quo, or i am way off and will be mortified when the somewhat obvious to everyone else answer that is completely different from anything i was thinking of is revealed. i somewhat hope i am wrong......isn't that funny? all through school we write something we perseve to be brilliant and hand it in knowing that the teacher is going to be moved to tears and read it aloud to the class the next day, only to be crushed when we receive the paper back with a red marker all over it and a note telling us that we got way off track and must have not been paying attention when the directions were given...whoops. what happened to brilliant? more like brilliantly off focus. in this case though, i hope there is red marker all over challenging me to dig deeper and look harder, or stop looking so hard and perceive what is staring me in the face. if i am right, the professor might expect more than i can give, and the class might, too. in a class like this, i would rather sit in my own little corner and listen to what others bring to the table, giving my input but giving it in a way that no one would know it was mine, not because i fear i will be wrong, but more because i fear i will be right. is that silly? maybe. theatre is not a practical major - bull. i've never felt like i was being more practical than right now. everything and nothing makes sense. i am no longer searching beyond myself but within myself. i can share real experiences and truly get to know the inner workings of my classmates. i am vulnerable but safe, open but real. if nothing else...i feel at home. 2005 is definitely going to rock.

Brief Summary

Great things that have happened: I finally bought "Fight Club" I brought my grade point average up from a 1.9 to a 3.1 in less than a year I have been terrified, but trusted God, and, as always, He saw me through. What a faithful Father I have.. I survived I added Theatre as one of my majors I have forgiven and been forgiven, two of the best feelings ever My brother is home I have found work that is fulfilling and might actually pay the bills...maybe I met someone and had one of those great, substance-rich conversations that last until 4 in the morning, with no pressure to be anything but friends...awesome I've recognized how great true friendships are, and realized just how many I have....too many for someone so undeserving I've truly found the Christmas Spirit, and for once it has nothing to do with shopping or presents I made myself vulnerable in front of a room full of theatre students...and lived to tell about it I cried and laughed many times all in the same day..rock on I sang on stage I sent out a few Christmas cards..I usually never get around to it My apartment is pretty clean, and has been for a while I finally finished "Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, I've been half-done with it for over a year. I have about five books at home that I started reading and never finished, tonight it's the script "Summer and Smoke" by Tennesse Williams, and tomorrow, perhaps I'll finish "The Kennedy Men". I was not afraid to be honest with myself and about myself..what did I have to lose, really? I have met an amazing mentor, and have learned a ton about God and myself. I realized that I talk about God and Jesus more than I talk about anything else...it's about time I took more risks this semester, and put myself out there more than ever before....I can't wait to do it again. Not so great things that have happened: Ha! Do you really think after all that God has done for me that I would have anything to put in this column? No way! ALL things have or will work out for His glory...who am I to say that something is not great? Who am I to demean the work of God simply because I may not understand it at the time? Who am I to dismiss His work as struggle and strife and not recognize how priveliged I am to suffer a bit if only He can be honored by it? Who am I?

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Does anybody else think this journal has become completely B O R I N G? Some serious revamping is in order......soon, very soon.....finals first.....or maybe it can prove to be a great stalling technique and tool to encourage my procrastination.....or else it's time to grow up and get my priorities straight.....yeah....finals first. i gotta learn how to do links, pictures and all that jazz......... CAUTION: This blog is under major re-construction.......please accept my apologies for any inconvenience this may cause, or an even bigger apology for the inconvenience it caused to have such an incredibly uninsightful, uneventful, unfulfilling blog. Be back after Finals! *PEACE*

Omni-Present

Man.......God is everywhere. I was just going to hang out with some friends last night, go bowling or whatever, when Josh called me at, like, seven o'clock and invited me to the Steven Curtis Chapman concert at 7:30! Of course I said yes and flew out the door! The concert was great. I'm not a big person on "celebrities". It bothers me that people would be in awe of someone just because they're famous, you know? I am more in awe of people who are not famous, and live their lives according to God's word on a daily basis, no fanfare, no fame, just a humble heart. What I appreciated the most about the concert was the praise and worship. I realized yesterday that I have not been to church, because of work and the play, in almost TWO months! That's crazy! I loved looking out across the crowd, and recognizing that we were all singing praise to the same God. To me, that was awe-inspiring. I ran into a ton of people I knew, and truly had a great time. I hope my friends that I had plans with can understand why I totally bailed on them, not for the sake of the concert, but more for the sake of my soul. It did my soul good to be there last night. Chris Tomlin and Casting Crowns did an excellent job as well. It was a good night, and I felt lucky to be a part of it. I've been working a bit more now, which has been good. One of the full-time poeple left Holy Cross, so it looks like I'll be getting some major hours in. The restaurant will be busy for the holiday season, too. Unfortunately, it is finals time and I have a few different projects due, and some monologues to perform. I have not started any of it, but I'm confident I'll get it done. I'm doing quite well this semester, too well to start slackin' now, anyway. This has been the craziest semester ever, but it has been tons of fun!! What a ride...... I think I am going to try to be a little better about keeping up with this journal. I feel like there is so much I could have written about this semester, but it just was never a huge priority. We'll see if I can be a little better about it next semester. Ha! I have to go......I have, like, four loads of laundry to do at the laundromat and then I go to the Restaurant tonight till closing time. Then, I go back to the restaurant tomorrow morning and then back to Holy Cross for the evening shift. Yikes! So much for homework time. I have a feeling there is not going to be much time for sleep in the next couple of weeks.....it's a good thing school is almost done! PEACE!

Family Life

My brother is back home for a while. He was down south for a few years, but he just came back home last week. It's good to have him back. I know my mom is happy to see him safe and healthy, things parents worry about all the time with their kids. Hopefully, he sticks around for a while. My little sister is coming home from Grand Valley for Christmas Break soon. It will be nice to hang out and catch up with her when I can. I will be working quite a bit, but I'm sure we'll get some time to hang out. She will be at home with my mom and brother, so hopefully they will all get a chance to spend some time together, too. I'm sure she's looking forward to sleeping A LOT! My sister really likes to sleep in. It will be nice to have us all together on Christmas Day! I don't have a lot in the way of presents, and it really bothers me, but I know that they don't either. It will just be nice to be lazy, eat, watch T.V., and hang out. I'm really looking forward to that. It's too bad my older sister and her family couldn't come up from Iowa this year. I haven't met my niece or my nephew yet. I only met one of her boys, and that was, like, three years ago. Yikes. Hopefully, my nephew and niece that live here in Bay City can hang out with us near Christmas time. I went over there for his birthday in November. He is four years old now, I can't believe it! I love that kid. Hopefully, I can start hanging out with him a little more often. My uncle is going out of state to see a specialist. It looks like his cancer has gotten pretty bad recently. I haven't been over to see him yet and I don't know why. I think they are leaving in the next couple of days. I pray that everything works out with him. I know it would be very hard on their family if something happened to him, especially my aunt. My mom started her new job. I know it's better than the old one, and I'm glad she's working in Lapeer. I hope she can move there and finally get out of Cass City. Cass City isn't bad, it's just not the greatest place for her to live. There is so much more available in the bigger towns. I hope that she can continue to look for work in other fields. I'm tired of seeing my mom work in the factory. I would love to see her get a nice sit-down job in a better environment. I'm sure something will open up soon, God willing. I tell you what, my mom is the most fantastic person I have ever known. She is a survivor, and continues to wake up every day and do what needs to be done. She raised four kids on her own, with only a few dollars in her pocket, and sometimes not even that. How she did it, I will never know. I know God is looking out for her, but I truly wish that she would open up her heart to Him. I know that God can supply the peace that she has never known. I hope and I pray that one day I will walk with my mom in Heaven. If God accomplishes nothing else in this life of mine, I hope that's it. I hope my mom will be in Heaven.

Long Overdue......

I haven't written in forever!! My mind, in the mean time has come up with numerous journal entries that proceeded to go unwritten. Time just seems to go by. I sit at the computer, even today, and I think about writing, but my brain protests because it doesn't seem to want to delve that deep. (Is delve a word?) Anyway, lots has happened, but I will rehash and summarize to the best of my ability...in another blog at another time. To think...the word blog probably didn't even exist ten years ago...wierd. I just got out of my bible study. It's so nice to be part of one instead of leading one. I had never been part of one prior to this, and now I can't believe I never have because it feeds me every week, no matter what. Whether it's something someone does for me through the message, or simple interaction, or something I do for someone else. It pretty much rocks. My rent is due on Sunday. I don't care to go into that any further, but for anyone reading this, which, I actually don't think there is anyone that actually reads this, and if there is, it's been so long since I've written they've probably stopped checking, but if there is anyone, please pray for that....my rent that is. Greatly appreciated. God will provide....I'm not worried, but I feel like I should be, you know? Worried, that is.......but I'm just not. I start a new job tomorrow, or, rather, I start training for a new job tomorrow. It's at Holy Cross Children's Services. I am extremely anxious to get started. I will be training with the Residential boys group tomorrow. These boys possibly have some severe issues, but this is where I have felt my heart has been for a long time, with at-risk youth. I love that term "at-risk", aren't we all at risk at any given moment? Ha. I will now get to see if that is where God wants me to be. God is so good to me. I have to work on Thanksgiving.....that is not a complaint, for reasons previously stated in the third paragraph of this blog. I think I'm going to ask my family (a.k.a. my mom and my sister) to come on friday, we'll celebrate Thanksgiving then. Hopefully that works out. I need to clean my apartment. The only problem, and I mean the ONLY problem with living alone is there's no one else to blame the mess on or split the chores with. Man, I wonder how much they would charge me to have a lady come in and clean a studio apartment? Ah, I could probably scrub the whole place down within a couple of hours at most, but who wants to do that? Oh well, I'm sure it'll get done within the next couple of days, cuz I'm getting tired of looking at it. I can't tell myself to do it though, I don't know why. It's like I think I'm telling myself what to do, and, for those of you who know me, you know how much I love it when someone is trying to be "the boss of me" :) You know, I could go on and on and on and on. Like I said before, a lot has happened. The play is over, a new job, quit the old one, school is coming to a close for the semester, I have met a ton of new people and made some great friends, I finally got to visit my nephew (a.k.a. my best friend), I am still learning new things about God on a daily basis, which inadvertantly (sp?) causes me to learn new things about myself, okay......I'll stop here, or I will go on and on and on.........another day. Just wanted to jump back on the wagon and start writing again..........PEACE.

Self-Titled

I was just about to snuggle under the covers very early this morning, knowing if I feel asleep at that exact moment I could at least get 5 hours of sleep....yikes. Anyway, I realized as I sank deep into my pillows that I had to have a speech, any speech or poem for my voice and articulation TODAY. whoopsies! So, I threw the covers off and got out a pen and paper. I knew it could be two minutes in length, so I just started writing. It took me ten minutes, but then it got my mind swimming, and I couldn't sleep, go figure. Self Titled ------------ I am me. My names do not define me; I define my names. I make mistakes I live, I laugh, I learn. As a young child I was free to be me, and just assumed everyone would go along with it. I learned quickly as I became awekward and ordinary. Someone should have told me that mediocrity would have been easier for others to swallow then always trying to find more ways to be extraordinary. Many nights of tear-stained sleeplessness. Never quite understanding that happy clowns have bad days, too. I gained my wings; cut free from my roots. Only to learn that without roots one cannot grow. Alone with myself, I begin to open doors and sweep floors in a heart aged beyond its years; ragged and worn like the hands of an old man who worked in the field all of his days. A veil is lifted and new hope is able to breathe, as the Gardener picks up the tiny rosebud He notices lying on the ground, in the midst of His glorious garden. "Your time will come", He says, "With you, I am not done." So, here I sit, a canvas half-painted, a rosebud unfolding, with roots and wings. I am not done.

Anything you can do..........

I seem to think I can do to! I couldn't sleep last night....so I decided to watch a movie. I decided to finally watch "8 Mile". I've been meaning to and never got around to it. Have you ever noticed when you watch movies that revolve around one thing like singing or dancing, all of a sudden you think you can do it? I was watching this movie and just started writing. I know, I'm a complete dork, but I totally ended up writing out a rap. I really am a dork, but I don't care. I was having so much fun all by myself. How many people can truly say that? I always have fun when it's just me and the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE hanging out with my friends and my family, but there's something about being all by yourself that's real and true. Not to say you're not real when you're around other people. You're just more aware of what brings you joy and makes you sad when you are all alone. Anyway, back to this silly rap. I wrote it, so I'm gonna write it in this journal. Maybe some day I'll start to type out some of the other stuff I have written. Maybe not. I'll be rappin, and I'll continue to sing, till you tell me and you reveal yourself to me cuz i just stand here preachin' to my own self Lord, that ain't helpin' anybody out cuz I - just sit - and i cry and i don't know what to do just livin' till i die that's not what you want is it? you want me to get off my butt and dig it you're listnin' to me cry with a sigh the spirit tells you why that i cry at night and i sleep and i don't sleep then i sleep again and i wake up screamin' the world catches up with me as i sleep at night i wake up with terror i wake up with fright He brings me peace and after all that what do i do Lord, i turn my back and i practically spit on you cuz i don't know what's right and what's wrong and what's wrong and what's right but then you speak to me in the middle of the night Lord, you got me here on this earth and i'm not really sure why i'm diggin' in the dirt it's your will i desire in my heart light a fire come in-to my soul let your - spirit flow clear my mind make me white as snow i'm blameless in front of you i can now stand shameless i'm rhymin' and i'm white i'm a girl yeah that's right but it don't matta' young or old, wise or unwise spirit comes and takes hold that's somethin' you can't despise look into my eyes it's God you will recognize for He's shootin' down all of satan's lies The truth doesn't always have to rhyme but it will be revealed to you it's just a matter of time God is in it and man He can spin it better than any of us could ever do He'd be down here and J.C. would show us what to do it's one day at a time i'm livin keep sinnin' asken to be forgiven i'm tired of livin' life that way wanna walk in the light every single day every hour every minute so everyone can see that God is livin' in it my heart that is comin' to save the world - it's not my job the Lord's got it covered i'm just a lazy slob He's gonna get the job done so i ask you one time do you know about God's son? if not i tell you who He be He's Freedom Love, Peace, Joy and Harmony you're here for a reason a season to make a difference in someone else's life not to keep complainin' of your own strife don't underestimate what God is gonna do He made you on purpose don't be nervous He's got a plan for you He's got your best interest in mind He wanted me to tell you and that's the reason for this silly rhyme.

He loves me...He loves me....He loves me...

If I had a flower, and I picked each petal one by one to see if God loved me or not...it would always land on "He loves me", no matter what. That's pretty amazing. I'm not feeling very good today, physically I mean. It could be the free coffee and doughnut I got at the Car Repair Shop this morning from the guys from Wheels 104.5. They were pretty cool to talk to at least. Gave me something to do to pass the time while they re-fixed my car. I thought I only had a problem with that with my haircuts, but at least it didn't cost me anything and my car's not squealing anymore. I can't type very long....I kind of have the waves...you know which ones I'm talking about? The ones that mean I might have to make a beeline for the bathroom in like 30 seconds....I'd rather do that kind of business in the privacy of my own apartment with a good magazine. I love pooping in my apartment! The door is wide open, and I can take as long as I want....nobody's there to interrupt my business. I can take a hot bath afterwards, and then I get a nap in before rehearsal starts. That's as close to heaven as I'm gonna get here on earth, I think. Small wonders throughout the day. That's how God chooses to bless me, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I needed gas in my Jeep, to get me to rehearsal tonight, and then work tomorrow night, but I didn't have one dollar in my wallet..(or my bank account.) That is really sad. Anyway, I realized I had a jar with change in it..and I know my bank has one of those machines that count it for you......So I grabbed my jar full of pennies mostly, hoping to get at least five dollars to get me around. With a prayer on my lips I dumped the jar of coins in the tray, and watched, to my amazement, as the numbers kept climbing until it reached thirty-four dollars!! I couldn't believe it...I honestly got tears in my eyes. I know, I get tears in my eyes all the time, but I'm glad I do! I'm not ashamed I'm a softie!! :) My Jeep is fixed and has enough gas in it to get me to work this weekend...I also was able to buy a few groceries! Plus, I get to go to rehearsal tonight for five hours! To some, that may seem like forever, but to me, it's five hours of doing something I love to do!! I'm going to go home right now and take a crap and a nap. Small wonders.....God is good to His lousy servant. Oh, I try..sometimes. I just can't seem to get it right, though. It's a good thing God grades on a really big curve, so big in fact, it curves right around to Jesus on the cross and back into my heart....where it starts all over again with an A+. To God be the Glory!

So much to do to.......

So little time!! Don't get me wrong...I love everything I'm doing (well, except work, but I love what I get because I work, and that's money to pay the bills!) A lot has happened since I wrote last. Have you ever thought of doing something so much that you actually thought you did it? That's what happened with this journal. I could've swore that I have written in it a few times in the last couple weeks, but I haven't!! That's so crazy. Anyway, I got a job at McDonald's....that's crazy. I have a whole new respect for people that work in the fast food business. People that come up to the counter, more often than not, assume that you must be an idiot because you work in fast food. I am also training right now...so i am giving them good reason to assume i'm an idiot! oh well, i just smile at them and spit on their burger...KIDDING! You get all kinds of walks of life going through the restaurant daily. It is a different breed of person than at any restaurant I have ever worked at.....'cuz you get some of the lower class families, which makes me sad sometimes, and tons of senior citizens (who you know have a mattress full of cash at home, but are the first to holler if you don't give them the senior price for coffee :) The McDonald's I work at is right off of I-75, so we get a lot of travelers and constructions workers, an occasional bus or two, college students and hunters. This job should prove to be highly resourceful for my stand-up routine. Unfortunately, I do get a free meal every time I work, and I work there almost every day!! I say unfortunately, because I have managed to gain five pounds in one week! I figure I'll start worrying about it when my clothes don't fit and I go into congestive heart failure....just kidding, i'm getting back in the gym tomorrow;) My birthday is tomorrow!! I can't believe it...I keep forgetting. It should be a good day:( I have class from 8-3 and I work at McD's from 4 to midnight....BLAH!! I am trying to get Saturday Night off at Fritz' (that's the restaurant I work at) so I can go out with a bunch of friends. I am getting the Saginaw gang together, hopefully, cuz it's Brian's birthday, too....and i think i'm going to try and get the theatre group to meet us wherever we go...plus, it's the SVSU vs. GVSU football game that day, so, HOPEFULLY, i can get some of the monkeys from GR to come out with us...that would be perfect!!!! I don't know, though, they always go to Dude's in Pinconning, so we'll see. It will be a good time regardless!! I love hanging out with my friends, and I don't get a chance to much anymore! I'M GOING TO BE 25!!!! YIKES! I got a part in a play!! I decided, like, two o'clock that morning to audition and i got a part!! I am having a lot of fun with it so far...it's a pretty rockin' cast! It doesn't leave me with a lot of extra time, but i am glad that i'm involved. It should be a good show, kinda disturbing, but good. The show is going to be Nov. 12th weekend, and the one after that! That's really soon, but we already have the first act blocked!! Unfortunately, that does mean that i will have to miss the big GV game in Ann Arbor....ALL of my friends are going to that!! BUMMER. I am trying to work really hard right now, because the whole week of dress rehearsal, i will not be able to work at all....yikes. Classes are still rockin'. I'm trying to keep up, but it's proving to be harder and harder as time goes by. I wish i could put a ton more time into them, but I am gaining some knowledge of stage design, music, speech and characterization. I would LOVE to go back and be Annie Oakley again, with all this new stuff I have learned....that would be so much fun!! I have found myself getting into a lot of political discussions with very random people recently.....but it has been very beneficial. I love hearing what others think about things...as long as they aren't shouting at me:) I usually tell people I am still undecided, but I think that Bush has got my vote. Unless, by some miracle, John Edwards ends up on the top of the ticket, or Ralph Nader offers some realistic approach to accomplish some of his far-fetched ideals :) it looks like you can put a notch in Bush's corner for me. Would he be my first choice? no, but since it doesn't look like Hillary Clinton will be running, I guess I'll stick with the Republicans this time around. I can't wait until 2032.....when i'll finally get to check the box next to my own name....... I better get going! So much to do.....so little time! God is so good to me!! PEACE!!

Lessons I've Learned...............

Some the hard way! ~ When you get the groceries out of your car and realize one of the bags is leaking...when you get home, don't throw the bags on the bed! ~Just because something is on sale, doesn't mean you should buy it. ~When your car is making funny noises, don't go out for ice cream, get it fixed. ~Some things are worth a little extra money being spent (like a cereal that's really good for you instead of one that chucks you full of sugar and has you snoozin' by 10 a.m.) ~If you work out and wake up the next day sore, get up and get moving, or else you have to start all over with training your body. ~Never underestimate the power of taking daily vitamins. ~Plants need water, or else they die. ~Not having T.V. and Internet readily available is a good thing - a really good thing ~Being alone with yourself is the best way to find out how real you are. (Yes, I also laugh out loud when I fart and no one is around.) ~They say clothes don't make a man, but dressing up can sure make them treat you like a lady. ~If it says "child-resistant" and you don't have children, don't buy it, 'cuz it's just gonna end up pissin' you off. ~Not giving God and the Good Book your undivided attention daily (and I don't just mean the ten minutes before you go to bed) doesn't mean bad things will happen to you, but it does mean that day is not as good as it could have been. ~Just because your speedometer goes up to 100 mph, doesn't mean you should drive that fast....ever. ~Deferments rock - but they are temporary, and on certain loans, your interest is still accumulating every month....yikes! ~Just because something feels right, doesn't always mean it is. ~When you are 20, people think it's cool when you rebel, smoke, drink and break the rules. However, when you are 30, overweight, can't breathe, and are still breaking the rules, nobody thinks you're cool anymore - take care of yourself. ~Doing something for someone else can often make you feel better about yourself. ~Nobody is going to knock on your door and hand you your future, you have to wake up every morning and decide what you are going to do to get there yourself. ~Dreaming is great - getting off your butt and doing is even better. ~The best way to find out who you are capable of becoming, is to be willing to reach beyond who you already are. I have learned many more things, these just happen to be the ones that are in my brain today! Life has been a rollercoaster, and right now i think i just got to the bottom of the biggest hill, i'm catching my breath, throwing my hands up in the air, laughing hysterically, and enjoying the rest of the ride!!! Jeremiah 29:11

Time Flies............

When you're having a blast!!!!! I don't have much time to type (like 10 minutes), but i realized i haven't typed a journal in for-eva! well, actually i had typed like two of them, really long ones, too, but a couple different people came up and talked to me while i was typing and one got erased and then my computer completely re-booted for the other one ....... bummer. no big thing! if that's the worst that happens, i think i'm gonna be okay :) unfortunately, that's not the worst thing that has happened. my jeep decided to go blsdjfldsfjsajfskfjdsl! seriously, cost me like 600 dollars! WHAT?! but....i just happened to have exactly that amount saved up, unfortunately i had it saved up for rent, food, gas, the usual. that is a huge step that i had that money saved up......a little set back, looks like furniture will have to wait, i might not even have a place to live!!! totally kidding, of course. i have complete faith that God will take care of me.....i had faith that He would with this jeep business, and, of course, He did!! God rocks!! I cannot say it enough..... Just when i think i'm getting too busy and starting to let time with J.C. slip.......I hear Him whisper my name, cuz i missed Him anyway, i sit down and give Him some time, and everything is back in perspective.....when i say I haven't talked to Him in a while, or read the Good Book, i mean like it's been not even a full 24 hours....that is some good stuff!!!!!! i tell ya what...if you haven't let God take control, and trust that He can change your heart...you are missing something HUGE!! I was missing it.....i was missin' so much. to think, i'm just beginning to get it...and He hasn't even begun to reveal His glory to me!!!! I never thought that life could be like this......I never realized that I didn't really KNOW my Heavenly Father, I mean His character and stuff. I knew about Him, and i definitely feared Him, but i didn't KNOW Him. people are really starting to ask me to be involved.........i'm beating them off with a stick the best i can, but it's tough!!! i'm having so much fun meeting people, going to class (yeah, i like class!), living in my apartment, and having the opportunity to work hard in all of it. most of all i'm having fun learning more about God, and getting to know Him personally. Forgiven and Set Free......that's me. I hope one day, all of you can know half the joy that i know today!!! I wish you peace and love and freedom, all the days of your life!!!! To God be the Glory Forever and Ever!! I hope all of you find something to laugh about everyday, for me, it's usually myself, but other people doing stupid things makes me laugh too!!! Love ya all!!!! Peace!! Oh yeah, Happy late birthday Bob, Lori, Aunt Dee, and Tara!! Happy early birthday Sara!!! Love ya girl!!

Keep on Singin' My Song.....

After the ranting and raving in my last journal, I feel somewhat compelled to write another one. This one is more of what is in my soul today, as opposed to what is on my mind. I was on my way to school and I was playing my Christina Aguilera tape (yes, i still own tapes and i'm not ashamed of it ;) Anyway...the perfect song was on that would describe what took place for me this summer to allow me to be where i am now....lovin' the Lord and lovin' life and livin' each day to the fullest. Who said God doesn't perform miracles anymore? He sure did in my life........ I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and nobody's gonna bring me down today been feeling like nothing's been going my way lately but i decided right here, right now, that my outlook's gonna change That's why i'm gonna say goodbye to all the tears i've cried every time somebody hurt my pride Feelin' like they won't let me live life and take the time to look at what is mine Chorus: I believe they can take anything from me but they can't succeed in taking my inner peace from me, they can say all they wanna say about me, but i'm i'm gonna carry on, ( carry on) i'm gonna keep on (keep on) singin' my song I never wanna dwell on the pain again there's no use in relivin' how i hurt back then Rememberin' too well the hell i felt when i was runnin' out of faith Every step i'm 'bout to take well it's towards a better day cause i'm about to say farewell to every single lie and all the fears i've held too long inside every time i felt i couldn't try, all the negativity and strife 'Cause too long, I've been strugglin', couldn't go on but now i've found i'm feelin' strong and i'm moving on Chorus Every time I tried to be what they wanted from me It never came naturally, so i ended up in misery Was unable to see all the good around me, wasting so much energy on what they thought of me than simply just remembering to breathe I've learned i'm humanly unable to please everyone at the same time so now i find my peace of mind living one day at a time In the end I answer to one God, comes down to one Love till i get to heaven above I have made the decision never to give in till the day i die no matter what I'm gonna carry on, keep on, sinin' my song

Hey Toto, we're not in Michigan anymore.....

So, it's been three days and the weather is still perfect....what's going on? Is this Michigan? I can't help but wonder if it's the quiet before the storm. My mom told me that they are predicting a harsh winter for us this year....WHAT?! What would you call last year? Or every other winter before that? If you ask me, any winter in Michigan is a harsh winter. I am not a big fan of winter. Some people might ask me why I'm still here....well, I was contemplating Florida, but, between Andrew, Frances, and Ivan, looks like Florida is having worse luck with guys than I am. So, here I sit.....with my blue fingernails and goosebumps on my legs even though it's like 70 degrees!! I was walking onto campus today and couldn't help but notice that the flag was at half-staff AGAIN. Seems like I haven't seen a flag at the top of the flagpole for quite some time. I get into the computer lab and am riveted by images of September 11th on the screen. I can't believe I forgot what day it was. I had given some thought to it within the last week, but I guess when you don't have T.V. that also means you don't have the media bombarding you with whatever propoganda they choose to flood your mind with that week. I flipped through some of the pictures they have up and my heart sank. Suddenly, I was overcome with the same feeling I had the day it happened. When I turned on my T.V. just in time to see the second plane hit. There is that song, you know, the one that goes "where were you when the world stopped turning, that September day?". I don't really care for that particular phrase in the song. The world did not stop turning. Even figuratively, I'm sure there were people in Albania or Ethiopia that probably had no idea what had happened. There were some in other countries that were even happy to see it happen. Are we so vain to think, as a nation, we are the center and everybody else orbits around us? That's what the Roman Empire believed at one point, too........anyway, I think another song fits better, it was more like the day America realized "unsinkable ships sink, unbreakable walls break, sometimes the thing you'd think would never happen, happens just like that." Please don't get me wrong, I love this country. I love the people of this country......sometimes I worry, though, about our direction. A lot of people would blame direction on the Director, a.k.a. the President. In a Democracy, however, the directors are the people. Unfortunately, half of the people who are eligible voters, choose not to exercise that right. A Democracy.....hmm. It's funny. I just realized that I went on and on just now about viewpoints I don't generally share with others. It seems whenever you get into a political conversation, either the person or people you are speaking with aren't very well informed, or don't have much of an opinion, or they definitely have an opinion, and proceed to try and make anybody who doesn't share their viewpoint feel like an idiot. I generally avoid those conversations, which is sad, because I love to hear what others think, and where they are coming from on such matters. I was talking with one of my professors one time, and we were discussing some of these things. She asked me why I don't share some of my views in class, and I explained it was because there are always those few in a Political Science class who never shut-up and who like to turn dialogue into a debate, or worse, a screaming match. In my opinion, those people will make very good campaign managers, because that's about as far as they're going to get. I think that's why I have chosen to pursue Public/Non-Profit Administration as opposed to Political Science. It seems closer to the matters of the heart, of my heart. I didn't really plan on venting my political grievances today. I would love to be at the football game in Allendale with everyone else...I hope my sister is having a blast at her first home game at GV!! I wouldn't even mind being down at Wayne State watching SVSU kick the pants off of 'em. Oh well.......I have to go to work in a few minutes, at least I'll be making money instead of spending it. Honestly, I don't mind going to work...it's hard when you realize that everyone else is having fun, but, it's not a big deal because sometimes I'm having fun while they are working. It works both ways, and in the whole scheme of things, I'm really not missing much. If only I could've had this frame of mind six years ago. I might've actually graduated on time............NAH!!!