In Her Shoes

"Without her...I don't make sense."

The above quote is from the movie "In Her Shoes"

It's exactly how I feel about my little sister.

old hands

old hands

reach out to no one

holding fast 

to the dark that enshrouds

the inevitable

so many years

life, loss, love

the end is so long

so quiet

why is it so quiet?

we work

we plow

we sow

we sew

the world keeps moving

old hands reach out to no one

holding fast

to the dark that enshrouds

the inevitable...

Sunglasses

staring out the window i can see the colors of the leaves change my heart beats fog gathers on the window with every breath the glass feels cool against my skin as i trace a picture in the fog from my memory a sun with a smile wearing a tie and glasses sunglasses to protect him from himself i would buy a pair of glasses but i always break them or lose them they never quite fit my face.

shoe strings and lollipops

i hate "when harry met sally"...i hate harry...and i hate sally...

which is a shame, because i love meg ryan and billy crystal. 

friends aren't always meant to be together.  

really.  i always thought that they were because of stupid movies like this one...but it's not true.  (big sigh)...it's a brilliant phone scene...you know, after they sleep together and they each call their best friends, who happen to be married.  excellent move by the writers to have that scene...well played by the director...but i'm getting distracted...  

i thought maybe, if two people were friends, eventually they were meant to be together, (especially when everyone you know is pushing for you to be together...and assuming that you've already been together, even though you haven't), and it was only just recently i realized how untrue that is, and how jaded i've been from stupid movies like this one (almost screwing up perfectly good friendships because of such jaded-ness.)  two friends show up by themselves at a wedding years later, and end up sitting by each other...you might think it's meant to be...but i know that is not the case, and he knows that's not the case...but everyone else seems to be just as jaded as i used to be.  i know.  i used to be so sure, and now, sitting here, watching this movie, i realize...i don't know a damn thing...thank goodness.

i was in damons getting a drink (if you ever want to meet a successful single man, go into damon's on a thursday night.)  it was flattering, the attention i received, especially since i was in sweatpants and no make-up, but really dis-heartening as well...because they don't even know me.  they see a girl interested in the colorado/west virginia game, drinking a beer, and they want to marry you.  they don't know that i am indecisive, loud, sometimes irrational, and often incomprehensible.  they just see a young, blonde chic drinkin' and watchin' the game, and thinking (maybe because of stupid movies they have watched, as well) that we might be destined to be together...or maybe, they just want to know my name...and i'm the one that's giving myself too much credit assuming the rest.  

(oh great..."pure country" is on cmt.   that's another one of 'those' movies.  it has my favorite song in it...at the end, of course...when the star-crossed lovers end up together because he sings "cross my heart" to her, while she sits in the front row of his awesome las vegas concert...i think.)

i'm not as bitter, or cynical, or jaded as i sound.  believe it or not i am feeling pretty confident, and secure, and relieved.  i am relieved because i see it now...i see how wrong i was, and am, and probably will be, because of movies like these.

i just recently had my ten year reunion...yes, my high school reunion, thank  you very much...and i saw a man...who i thought was my soulmate when i was sixteen.  

seriously.  i do appreciate him as a person, don't get me wrong...but i kissed him...of course i did...hello?!  it was fun...until, mid-kiss, when he professed his love for me.  he told me he loves me, he's sure of it, he's always loved me...

oh, crap.  

suddenly kissing wasn't as much fun.  (you'll have to forgive me if this is a little choppy and...well, awkward...i've had some champagne, and i am an awkward person...cheers...so i'm going to tell this story as is, and probably allow it to be published and remain on my blog...however embarrassing it might be in the morning...because it must be coming from some place honest within me.)  suddenly...i felt a burden...a burden to be honest about what feelings i don't have, and haven't had for a long time.  the funny thing is, it didn't seem to sway him one way or the other...as if he thought i was denying myself the truth of the matter...when the truth of the matter was i couldn't wait to get back to camp and forget about what had just taken place.

i'm tired of my unavailable friends offering availability to me, if i were to be so inclined...that just makes me sad, and happens more often then anyone would care to know.  i'm tired of everyone trying to set me up with their son, or grandson, or godson, simply because i am old and unattached.  really?  am i not a whole person because i don't have somebody to 'share my life with?'...um...news flash...i share my life with a lot of people...but, mostly, i share my life with God.  why is that not enough for others?  

a friend of mine said that the ladies at his church told him he needs to meet a nice girl with good credit...ha.  i don't want someone to save me.  i want to save myself.  i would like to know i can do it on my own before someone else comes along who can do it for me.  i want to know that i succeeded, and made good choices, for me.  therefore, i shouldn't be surprised i haven't met that guy i'm going to spend the rest of my life with...because i'm still making some idiotic choices...

maybe when i start making some really good choices, that's when i'll meet mister right...maybe it's that very thought that keeps me from making good choices....

maybe...it's time to get under the covers and appreciate how far i've come...and appreciate movies like this that make me smile...but don't define my life, or gauge my decisions any longer. 

 

maybe, i'm doin' just fine..just me and God.  

just me and God - i like the sound of that....

 

Home of the Free?

This was an excerpt from one of the many postings after the craziness that was going on outside the RNC...I'm sure we won't be seeing it on the Fox News Channel anytime soon: RNC 2008: I was arrested after filming this video . The cops fired flash grenades, herded us onto Marion bridge and arrested us I went downtown to St. Paul in order to get some pictures and observe the situation (I already protested on Monday), but John Ireland Bridge was blocked by the police with dump trucks when I got there. The cops said there was a bomb threat to the Minnesota Historical Society, but that was quite clearly a lie since they were standing so close to it and they'd already closed the other bridges as I found out later. So I went over to the capitol on foot using the Marion Street Bridge instead. I saw more cops than protesters. The cops had the city in a headlock. All the other bridges were closed by the police; cops, BCA agents and national guardsman were everywhere. St. Paul was on fucking lockdown. By the time I found out how totally heavy-handed the police presence was I was getting tired and decided to split. I was trying to get back to my car on the other side of the Marion street bridge when I saw a group about 200 protesters approaching the bridge. That's why I'm walking against the flow at the beginning of the video. Unfortunately I was too busy trying to get good footage and didn't notice the cops had surrounded us on all sides. Soon the police started firing flash grenades, smoke bombs and generally scaring the shit out of me and all these peaceful protesters. We were corraled onto the bridge where they told us we were all under arrest, but not before all of us were shellshocked by the overwhelming police response. Notice how none of the protesters resisted or attacked the cops in any way. This is ironic because we were charged with "resisting a lawful order" along with the 1st amendment-killing crime of "presence at an unlawful assembly. " Whatever happened to the right of people to peaceably assemble? We are not free; The Bill of Rights is no longer operative. If you aren't reading this from jail that simply means the cops haven't bothered to arrest you on trumped up charges yet. They can clearly do exactly that whenever they want, with no repercussions. I wasn't even part of the protest and I was charged with being part of an "unlawful assembly. " The whole arrest process took hours. We were told to sit and put our hands on our heads, which many people had to do for several hours (your arms get sore). I was cuffed after an hour or so and stood around for another hour waiting to get my mug shot (on the bridge; this was all very ad hoc). Since we were on the bridge for so long they eventually hauled at least 3 porta-potties onto the bridge itself, for both police and protester usage (under heavy guard, of course). Eventually I was led onto a city bus with 40 other arrestees and brought to the Ramsey County jail for booking. They searched me about 5 times, confiscated all my stuff, and gave me a paper bag with a peanutbutter and jelly sandwitch and two apples. See, even oppressive police tactics have a Minnesota Nice aspect. Of course we didn't get knives so we had to spread the jelly and PB with our fingers. Hours dragged by as we waded our way through the bureaucracy and were eventually cited and loaded onto a paddywagon and driven out of the jail. They let us out just outside the fences and we were free -- and on our own far from where we were arrested, but at least the incredibly awesome Coldsnap Legal Collective were there to offer us hugs and access to free legal advice. People without rides or places to go were able to sleep on the grass outside the jailhouse thanks to sleeping bags the Coldsnap folks brought. Somebody sent the angels last night; they're doing great work and need your support! The problem with good things is that the police like to infiltrate and ruin them from the inside. That might've been the case with the protest last night. I heard several people talking about police plants -- agent provocateurs pretending to be protesters, inciting violence and keeping their superiors informed about where they are headed. Unfortunately, this is standard practice for police departments these days, including Denver during the DNC. How many acts of vandalism and violence that you read about in the mainstream media were actually committed by undercover cops in order to incite and defame activists? Imagine the embarrassment of the police and governments if they held a convention with massive protests and no one was arrested! They'd have spent millions upon millions of dollars for nothing! They've got to earn their outrageous security budgets, which is why they were so keen to arrest anybody who happened to be near Marion St. Bridge last night, including media folks and medics (at least 5 were arrested, along with a dozen credentialed photographers). Of course they also wanted to show who's boss. Clearly they are, and clearly they are not going to allow us to change the system peacefully or otherwise. We are not free. We are only permitted to do what they let us; truly free expression is verboten. Believe it or not, America used to be a pretty anything-goes society as long as it wasn't overtly violent (think of the Old West). Nowadays we cling to our police state as if that makes us safer. But what have we lost in the process?

i have missed writing. i have missed a lot of things that i didn't realize i was missing until i got the chance to do them again. usually you don't realize how much you love something until it's gone..with me, it's the opposite that's true..i don't realize how much i miss something until i get to do it again. i missed writing. i missed sleeping. i missed getting my laundry done. i missed alone time to let my mind wrap itself completely around a thought only to come full circle after the bazillion interruptions that enter my brain and actually get to realize a full conclusion to the initial thought. i know that sounds insane, but it's seriously what my mind does during my alone time. i missed conversations with God. i missed walking, reading, and spending quality time with my family and friends. i missed that feeling i get when things are really good, that fear that envelops me and tells me it's not going to last, that something horrible must be waiting in the wings. it's a terrible feeling, and i have had to remind myself a gazillion times tonight that things are far from perfect and i should enjoy this moment, this evening where i get to breathe and relax and dream about the possibility of what is around the corner, instead of dreading that it could be catastrophic. i just finished watching "little black book". i was sitting in the attic, in the dark, on molly's grandmother's couch, and watching one of those movies that is one of your favorites but you kind of forget about it when people ask you what your favorite movie is... at commercials, i would flip back and forth between wwe wrestling and the national spelling bee. now, i am flipping back and forth to a website that keeps me updated on the piston's game. just to let you know...they're up 70-65. go pistons! i tell you all of this because it has truly been a good night. i went on a nice bike ride, after finding out i was not needed at work, and sat at my usual spot by the river for a while. i didn't waste any money, well, partly because i don't have any, and i didn't eat a bunch of crap-food. i'm actually partly listing these things off, i think, to remind myself what a good night, for me, entails. so many times i think i know what i need, based on how i feel, and i follow the wrong instinct. is it possible to follow the wrong instinct? i guess, what i have found is, i can never really go wrong by spending some quiet time, alone. however, it is a balancing act, because you can begin to withdraw from society and people in general just because it's easier. i do the best when i have managed to plan out some time during the week to spend with my family, whether it's my nephew's ball game, or a morning spent with my mom, both of which i have had this week. i also do well when i spend some time with someone i truly care about, and who knows me well, or has seen me on one of my not-so-good days and still wants to be friends with me. i have some amazing people in my life who i don't get to see very often, but each time i do it's quality. okay...i have begun rambling now, so i'm going to check out before it becomes one of co's crazy blah, blah, blahs. it's a great night, and i'm going to enjoy the rest of it.

Final Curtain Call

Today is my last show at SVSU. I say, "Amen". My mom cannot make it to the show. I haven't heard from her at all. No phone call...nothing. I know it's because she feels bad, but is that really the way to handle it? Bless her heart, she's never been the best at handling these kind of situations. My brother and sister are coming today, but they cannot be here until intermission. I told them it's no big deal, and it really isn't, it's a 3 hour show and I'm barely in it. They will be here for my final curtain call, and that's all I really care about with this show. Watching everyone at the meet and greet with their families, I realize I don't have a relationship with any aunts and uncles, or other distant relatives. We don't have any 'friends of the family', and my grandma, whom I talk to once every few months, lives in Colorado near my father who wants nothing to do with me. I have a big sister who also wants nothing to do with me, who has three amazing kids, but lives in Iowa. Every once in a while I get down about it, especially when I see everyone else with gobs of people at every show. But, seriously, then I get over it and realize I am extremely lucky to have the people in my life who want to be part of it, and I need to get over myself anyway and just go on living for God, not for others. It didn't end like I thought it would, my journey here at SVSU, and it's not even really over. It's hard to watch everyone that's graduating get ready to truly be done. I have $20 in my bank account, and I think my job might end next week because I cannot afford to sign up for spring classes. I need to finish my senior project and take one communications course to graduate. I haven't had time to really figure any of this out, because I'm just trying to figure out what's right in front of me. I want the Tony Awards to be fun for everyone, and still manage to make it fun for me, and I want to finish strong in my classes, plus fare well in the last scene I will ever be in for someone else's final grade. I want the benefit for the house to succeed, and to put out a relatively decent newsletter. I want to get in shape for my high school reunion in July, and have some sort of plan in place so I can tell people I'm actually doing something with my life. But, who cares about that last one really? I just...I'm so sick of people asking me what I'm going to do...what my plans are...I'm so sick of the look on their faces when I tell them I can't afford school and am confused about my plans...when I'm just trying to find a way to finish. I would love to just concentrate on getting through the next two weeks, but it looks like I will need to find a job before that time is up...preferably in the next week. Aaauuughhhhhhhh! I'm really behind on house stuff and I'm not really sure how to catch up, or make up for my lack of attention the past couple of weeks. There will be no newsletter until after the benefit, but I need to send out a flier for the benefit, however, I'm still in need of something to fill more time during the show, I think. I don't even know what's going on with it, to tell you the truth. I went in to see the people who own the venue where we are supposed to be having it, and I got the brush off again, with a promise that they will call me...no call. I have been in to see them, or have called them about 15 times in the last two weeks. I really can't concentrate on this benefit until my finals are done, but I have to if we want it to succeed. I wish we would not have planned one for May, but it's too late now, the ball is rolling. A woman came back into town who used to live in the house, and she was ready to jump on board and help out. Unfortunately, the poor girl, her father was in a car accident and passed away last week. The funeral was on Saturday. It's been a few months since I've been to a funeral where you can just feel everyone's heart breaking in the room during the service. It was excruciating, and enlightening at the same time. I love and hate funerals. It was great to see some old friends of the house again. I miss all of them...the house just isn't the same without them. It's a shame that that whole group no longer comes around...mostly because of one person. My mind and my heart are all a jumble right now. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I didn't have my relationship with God. Most of the time I feel like it is just Him and me. Maybe I just need a good cry and then I need to just get over myself. For now, I will memorize my lines for the scene, show up for my final performance, help tear down the set, study for my exam tomorrow, go home and attempt to make a flier, and continue to put one foot in front of the other until it's time for bed. Then I will wake up and put one foot in front of the other again, appreciating every God-given moment I can...knowing He's working it all out for His glory and walking beside me.

short term.

all i wanna do is run. usually that means i'm almost finished with something, but not quite there. i sometimes wonder if i'm a procrastinater because there is no pressure involved to succeed that way. if i can tell everyone i did something at the last minute, then nobody expects anything great, right? sometimes, though, i have to just wait until it appears in my head, whatever it is that's due. i've been known to do my best work when i was supposed to be working on something else. i am a coward. yet, sometimes i have been known to be the strongest person i have ever met. when met with adversity, i rise. when the going is breezy, i get tossed by the wind pretty easily. i do not have enough money to pay for my last couple of classes. i find myself a bit relieved deep down. what a great excuse not to finish, right? nobody expects money to appear out of nowhere. i'm not afraid of finishing. i'm not afraid of not finishing. i always wonder, so what? if i get out of school when i am three credits away from finishing, so what? if i finish and move on, so what? if i become famous, so what? if i move to africa and the world forgets about me, so what? so what? i've always been very good at living in the moment. that usually means i don't make very many plans. i am okay with that, for the most part. every once in a while it would be nice to take a small trip, see old friends, or have enough money to help my family...things that usually take planning. those things are never incentive for me to stick with anything for the long haul, though. i wish there were a job out there where i could go into a place, company, non-profit, church, etc. that needed a face lift, and i would come in and organize and motivate and get the place on its feet...then i would leave after putting people in place to continue the upward climb, and i would continue on to the next adventure. i don't like seeing the same people every day. i've always thrived when meeting a new group, whatever the circumstances. that's why i can't picture marriage working out for me. it wouldn't take long for my vegabond heart to grow restless. i am so thankful i cannot run away from God...and that God isn't boring. i am a short term girl.

i believe in miracles.

I have no desire to see anybody I know today. Isn't that weird? I don't mind strangers. In fact, I have caught myself being even more friendly than usual. I am in love with people, in general, today. I was told once that your present focus determines your present feelings. I have found that if I'm not focused 100% on God...staring straight at Him and nothing else, it all feels a bit muddled. When my heart looks fully on Him, everything calms to a whisper, and my heart beats a melody of peace through my veins. Honestly, it is the only thing that makes me feel truly at home. I didn't go to the hospital today. Maybe I should have, but I don't think it was necessary. There are just days where my heart feels heavy, and my feet won't move. I don't think the hospital has anything for a heavy heart and lead feet. My throat is unusually swollen, and my temperature has been fluctuating all day, but I know my tonsils are unusually large, and I'm probably having hot flashes. I didn't go to the hospital today. I went to the movies. I can't believe I'm outing myself, but I'm tired of making excuses. Making excuses all the time grows tiresome.

It's Almost 5am...

and I, ladies and gentlemen, am wide awake.

Sunshine and Opportunity

I have had a very good day. I have had something in my head to write about every day for the last three weeks or so, but never sat down to do it. I realize it might have done me some good to get those thoughts down, so they wouldn't continue to just swim around in my head, but it seemed a daunting task to actually sit and carefully consider how to put those thoughts on paper without looking like a lunatic. Well, I am a lunatic, in a matter of speaking...so I say "speak on, crazy lady, speak on!" I hardly ever write on a good day, so I figure today's the day! I started off the day in good spirits. I woke up, having only 5-6 hours of sleep, which has been my average per night for this semester. I call this my 6 o'clock semester. I have had to wake up at 6 o'clock or before almost every day so far. This morning was no exception, but I seemed to wake up with the knowledge and acceptance that this is how it was going to be to keep up, so I would rather wake in good spirits, than grumble through the entire day. (side note) There is a girl watching the old He-man cartoon kitty corner from me, and it's an episode I remember from when I was little. I miss that cartoon. Isn't He-man a funny name for a hero? I love cartoons. Let me rephrase that, I love old cartoons. Only a few of the new ones catch my fancy...like Recess, but you can't beat some classic Warner Brothers cartoons, and oldies like the Smurfs. Anyway, I woke up in good spirits, and the rest of the day has gone exquisitly so far. Which begs the question...has the day gone well because of my attitude from the start, or was it just coincidence? Could I have possibly made things more positive through my attitude, or did the positive things that happened determine my attitude? Was my perspective different because of a conscious choice at the beginning of the day, therefore making things seem like they were more positive, or is it just a great day, overall? I'm sure it's a mix of many of these things. The day was filled with many things I love, some loose ends were tied up, I received some excellent constructive direction, as well as some affirmation to go along with it, met some interesting new people, received an extension on an assignment that is vital to graduation, was able to attend a workshop without getting in trouble for missing some work, and half of a class, and had lunch paid for by someone else. I haven't been outside since 6 o'clock this morning, but I know the sun is shining. Two things I love: Sunshine and Opportunity.

reconcile

composing supposing the answers are clear from water to wine i pray bridge to my fears collapsing from tears the beauty and ashes will stay centuries of stories, finnagled war glories old men glaze over with pride through ribbons and fame in Jesus' name they believe they honor those who have died

The Raw Deal

I just typed an entire letter that I had written to God a few days ago...but I decided to delete it. Some things are best left between Him and me, you know? There are a million things I would love to write about right now. I love the song "Lucy in the Sky (with Diamonds)" I think I could use a midnight snack. I just watched a James Dean movie, and fell in love with him... Today I had to stop and take a moment just to stare in wonder at the snow piled above my knees on either side of the sidewalk, and suddenly I found myself wishing I had one of those snowsuits that cover your whole body. For some reason, when I was young, I can remember my shoes always being wet...no matter what time of year it was..."squish, shquiche" Hm. I could write my thoughts...but God knows every one...I'll let them swish around a bit more in my head...and then maybe I'll make a jell-o mold out what's left and throw it as high as I can in the air, and let it rain down like slime the next time someone says "I don't know". I have been secretly stealing hours in the night to read Goldie Hawn's autobiography. I finished it with dried tears on my cheeks, and a renewed strength and confidence in the spirit that grows wild within me. Reading used to unlock something within me when I was a child...something secret and ancient, as if the story had already lived somewhere within me, and needed a special key to unlock the old room in my heart that contained it, allowing me to live more freely with each turn of the page. I think I will secretly continue to steal hours in the night...

Wish For a Snow Day.....

Granted. God is good to me....not just because of the snow day, but just because...

I was really kind of hoping for a snow day today. Not for me, but for the high school students that are coming over today. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and should be happy they are coming over. I think I'm just tired. I would love to sleep through one entire night, uninterrupted. One eight hour night of bliss would be excellent. Sometimes, I don't mind these late nights with myself. Usually, it's the only time I gain true perspective, or have moments of clarity. It's nights like these where I can laugh at myself, and realize how much I like to feel sorry for myself. I have to be careful, though, because I have a tendency to get down on myself, as well. It's so funny, we're all such attention grabbers in the theatre department. I find myself so annoyed at people who go on and on about how tired they are, or how they haven't had any sleep, or how much work they have to get done, and I want to scream at them. The truth is, though, I only want to scream at them because I am thinking about myself, and how tired I am, and how much work I have to get done. It's all really pretty selfish behavior, actually. If I choose to skip class to come up with choreography for a rehearsal, the opperative word being choose, then I can't be upset when the director allows an actor to miss to catch up on work that should have been done long ago. I chose to skip class. I missed the quiz. I did it. Getting upset at other people for a choice I made will only lead to more bad choices. When I choose to change, that's when things will change, not when people finally see how hard I work to make things the best they can be, not when people finally see how much I am stretched, causing me to be unable to give 100 percent to anything I am involved in. (Yes, I know you shouldn't end the sentence in a preposition, lay off, it's 5 in the morning, and nobody reads this but me, anyway.) I guess the realization I came to tonight, but have also come to in the past so hopefully it starts to sink in soon, is that no one is going to come around and give me a gold star for sacrifices made, or a job well done. First, you have to do a good job to get a star, and everyone else is too busy getting their work done to have time to stop by my place and give me one. Second, who cares? If the only reason we do the things we do is to receive affirmation, then we shouldn't receive it, anyway. I know, deep down, that's not why I do the things I do, but sometimes it's easy to be blinded and embittered by the fact that we think nobody notices what we do, or who we are. Hey Colleen, get over yourself....and get some damn sleep, for pete's sake.

Message in a Bottle

i rest my cheek against the cold steel and begin to drift to another time. in my mind my father is driving deep into the foothills. "these eyes" and "stand by me" flow out of the speaker near my ear as the landscape rolls along outside my window. rivers of rootbeer and signs warning against falling rocks rush past. i wonder if the roses saw the sign before they lost their precious avery. i bet there's a sign there now. my mind travels up the foothills to the little red cabin. the smell of kerosene, dust, and down fill my nostrils. further up the steep hill, around the bend where the lily pads stand at attention my grandfather waits for someone to visit, but no one has come for a long time so he lies still and helps the evergreens grow. my mind travels to my grandmother sitting alone in her little apartment having nothing to do but think about all she has lost. she looks at the calendar and reailzes everyone has forgot her birthday even her. my mind reaches back and suddenly i am sitting at my grandmother's table eating the best macaroni and cheese on the planet, and smiling up at my dad because tonight i get to choose which game we play. everyone knows i always pick bingo. you don't have to be smart to win at bingo just lucky. i wish they would talk more. my grandmother has only mentioned her brother once when she told me about watching him wither in europe. she never mentions wave. no one ever mentions wave. i think people might be worried that suicide is contagious so i don't talk about her either. suddenly my mind takes me to a darker place. i walk slowly up to the body in the coffin. her face is right in line with mine and i am scared. it is not lisa. it is a witch. she is green and ugly and i never want to see her again. not like that. my dad used to let my brother and i use her bathtub when she would stay out late. her and her brother were the best roomates ever. he was really nice. sometimes he was too nice. i blink to bring my mind to a different place. i stare at the canisters of cotton swabs and bandaids. the door opens slightly and a nurse peeks her head around to see how i am doing. i do not acknowledge her intrusion, and instead only blink sending my mind further back into my memories.

1-5-08

10:35 pm I can't remember the last time I wrote...I mean really wrote. I can't remember the last time I wept. I think it might have been over a month ago, when I was with Miranda after a great night out. Maybe it's because I was with someone last time i wept and now I fear getting too close and doing it again. I can't imagine being an actress full time, and getting to portray these feelings and emotions regularly that I feel somewhere deep inside, anyway. Do all actresses, I mean, at least the good ones, hold back unintentionally in thier real lives, for fear they will never grasp a real, rational thought at the appropriate time ever again? Do I play it safe by opening my heart to the impossible, knowing it will never be? Is it bravery or cowardice? Do I open myself up to constant hurt by going with, not so much my instincts, as my heart? Sometimes my instincts go against my heart. It's like, deep down, I know I will hurt more if a decision is made - more grief will come than it's worth - but still, I almost can't help but move in the direction of my heart. Sometimes I wonder if I have any discretion at all. In the play I'm currently helping with, the main character sees things that will be, little pictures of what's to come. I see things a little differently. I see them as they are, truly are, and not just the picture that is before me. I've been accused of having an over-active imagination by some people - mostly men. The funny thing, after I've been accused of such a thing, it's usually found out later that I had been right. Somehow, the realization never makes me feel better. I tend to obsess over people I don't care much about. I care about them as a fellow human being, of course, and would never want harm to come to them, but nothing more that would convey a stronger relationship. When I truly care about someone, and I'm not just being selfish, I honestly let them go. I can't just let go. It just happens. One day I wake up, and I know I've let them go. If I don't allow myself some privacy, I mean real privacy, like a whole day, or night, I never have the chance to let go of those things that slowly begin to choke me. The problem is, I can never quite see how badly I need that time, how badly I am choking, until I finally get some time. So, if I'm not making myself aware of how I'm spending my time, I'll begin to throw myself recklessly at people and things, wondering why the emptiness feels like it will engulf me if I sit too long. That is the devil playing tricks on me, because sitting down with myself, by myself, is usually exactly what I need at that point. The last three nights I have had that privacy again, and didn't even realize how badly I needed it. ...Fast forward...3am It's 3 in the morning and I can't sleep. I need to sleep. Abe Lincoln once said, "To say a sheep has five legs, does not make it so." I say, thank heaven for that...because if all the things I wish to be true in my head, or in my heart, actually came true, my life would be a mess...even moreso than it is now, well, not so much a mess as turned upside down, I suppose. Ever since I opened myself up to the possibility of love once again, I've been turned upside down. Now, it seems, I've got men on the brain - if not in one way then in another - and it's messing everything up. I wish I would stop trying so hard at things that should just come naturally, and start trying harder at the things that do not. I've been making some funny choices lately. I've always kind of made funny choices, I suppose. I feel like I can't and don't even write anymore. I feel like I can't and don't even cry anymore. I get misty-eyed, or even choked up for a second, and there might even be one tear that escapes down my cheek, but then, as quickly as it starts, it's over. I feel as if I'm about to burst, so I tell myself, "Just burst, it's okay", but I don't, I can't, and I don't know why. I feel like there's this big part of me I would like to erase right now - so I can continue on my way, and accomplish things like normal people do. I can't tell you how I've been able to accomplish things, lately - I have no idea - I keep losing my thoughts...I go to write something, understanding that it's a great thought to have on paper, only to stop mid-sentence and realize I've forgotten the thought entirely. That has been happening so much lately, it's insane. I wish I could fix someone's broken heart right now...but there is nothing I can do. I need to get some sleep.

I haven't written in quite some time, so what better time to start again then 11:11 pm on New Year's Eve. I am at home, in my pajamas, and all is quiet. I like the quiet today. I thought about the different parties I could've attended tonight, or the slumber party with the girls, a night at my mom's, or even a stop at the bars quickly to ring in the new year...you know what? Not one of those options sounded even remotely appealing. The truth is so many people feel so unhappy on New Year's. There is a lot of shallow celebration and people trying to meet the impossible expectations they have put on this one night of the year. It always seems a bit disappointing somehow. The truth is, I usually do what I want when I want, whether it be going out on the town on a Sunday, eating chocolate cake for breakfast, going grocery shopping at four in the morning, or taking a nap at 8 o'clock at night. So, here I sit, at home, watching the snow come down, and watching the live celebration from Times Square, and you know what? I am content. It's nice to sit here and be able to say that I am happy with who I am, with how far I've come, and excited to see where I go from here. I am so relieved everything went well last week with my sister's wedding and bachelorette party, not to mention the holiday, and my big sister and her family coming into town. My family is happy and healthy. My sister is in California on her honeymoon with the man of her dreams. I am absolutely exhausted from all that has happened this semester, and all the craziness that has been my "break". I decided that tonight was going to be the break I've been waiting for, and truly feel I deserve, at this point. My body is breaking down and telling me it's time to get some rest. I still have a lot to accomplish this week with some overdue papers to write, scenes to memorize and block for ACTF, and rehearsal for the show I'm stage managing, but, overall, I am happy- As I wrote this last statement I received an emergency phone call from someone needing assistance, and as I hung up the phone gun shots rang out from somewhere quite close. If I wouldn't have stayed home tonight, there would have been no one to take that call. Man, there is so much to be done in Saginaw. I believe it is possible. I really do. For tonight, which is a rarity for me, I will cast all of it aside and sit and watch the ball drop with little more on my heart and mind than a tiny celebration of this life that God has given me. I wish everyone a safe and happy new year....as I write this I realize something tragic is happening outside, as the sound of sirens pierce through the falling snow...I will not allow it to bring me down, only empower me to know that I am doing the right thing by living here. God help us all.

Roses For Molly

She rushes past the gates of the garden Barefoot and barely breathing Anticipation and wonder filling her mind Leaving no trace of doubt or misgiving As she enters the garden her feet slow Giving her breath a chance To catch up with her heart The ground beneath her feet is soft As the sun begins to peek Through the heavy grey clouds Something beckons her to look over her shoulder Back to the gates she passed through And there, leaning slightly on the wrought iron, Is a single white rose just beginning to bloom She slowly walks over to the rose And bends down to breathe in peace To her surprise it smells of cinnamon And her grandmother’s perfume She looks to the other side of the path and sees another white rose In full bloom She turns and looks down the freshly dug path And sees a large tree at the top of a small hill From where she stands it looks as if it might be pink She curiously begins to walk down the path to get a better look On her way she looks down and sees the path Lined with tiny yellow roses There is one for every cousin Niece and nephew Aunt and uncle But there are more in bloom as the path begins to widen She gets closer and the path splits Forming a large circle around the pink tree There is a bench near the tree A small bench made of stone She looks beyond the path on either side And notices large rose bushes Reaching towards the sky Peach and orange roses in full bloom Covering the bushes and humming softly A bush for each brother and sister She gets closer to the tree The sun throws light upon the branches And she sees that it is not pink But white roses, hundreds of them She notices two stems Wrapped around the base of the tree Making their own paths Peeking over the bench at the end of each stem A blue rose for dad A large lilac rose for mom She sits on the stone bench Warmed by the sun Looks out at the garden And begins to realize it belongs to her Some of the petals begin to fall from the tree As a warm breeze makes its way Through the white roses Tears begin to make their way down her cheeks Spilling onto the stone bench As grief and sorrow begin to merge with joy and love She stands Takes one last look around And breathes in the sense of love lost , love found And love yet to be She walks slowly down the path Treading lightly on petals As they are caught by the breeze And displayed across the path She scoops up a handful, wanting to remember But soon drops them again, realizing she’ll never forget As she approaches the open gate She notices a single red rose Intertwined in the iron door A single key dangling from a chain on the stem She frees the rose, and gently removes the chain with the key She closes the gate and fits the key into the lock As she turns the key she reaches out and gently touches one of the white roses She clasps the chain with the key around her neck Breathes in the scent of her red rose, looks up toward the sky and walks on Knowing she can always return

Brain Tumor, Early Alzheimer's, or Am I Just Crazy?

That was the question I've been asking myself the past year or so...you see, my mind is not what it used to be. I find myself being more forgetful than usual, even forgetting why I went into a room when I go in, or forgetting things I've always known, important things. I've been doing funny things like starting to put my purse in the refrigerator before catching myself, or taking my laundry into the bathroom when I should go to the basement. I've stopped mid-sentence more times than I can count because I completely forget what I was just talking about, and usually can't get it back unless someone reminds me. I will be writing, and suddenly the word is backwards, or spelled wrong and I can't find it in my mind to correct it. The weird thing I began to notice is, it only happens in a moment, and then the next moment or day I'll be fine. I'll do okay on a test, but if someone asks me what was on it a day later, I wouldn't be able to tell them what it was even about. I could read a book or watch a movie and not be able to recount what happened, but I could still tell you how it made me feel. I know what you're thinking...everybody has these moments, and I totally agree, which is why I dismissed it in my mind as me being dramatic about something as usual. I thought I was crazy just to think I might be going crazy. The past year has really forced me to take notice of it, however, because it has reached a much higher level in a very short time. I have begun to have trouble speaking, or putting thoughts together, giving up on attempting any kind of intelligent conversations, altogether. In drum practices, I cannot count how many notes there are anymore, or determine the rhythm by seeing, only hearing. I have begun to actually put things where they don't belong or walk into the right room and think it's the wrong one, only to walk into a different room and have no idea what I'm doing until I just give up and do something else. I have had to stop writing because I cannot put a sentence together, or my mind can't even find what I'm supposed to be writing about. There are so many more things that just happen on and off, I can't even really explain it. It's been the craziest thing, and I finally gave in tonight and typed in these symptoms online to see what came up...I am so glad I did. This is the first thing that popped up: Dr. Warga identifies the "mind misconnect" syndrome that causes unsettling events during perimenopause and menopause, noting that they are not signs of imminent madness but a natural part of aging. She names this condition "WHMS: Warga's Hormonal Misconnection Syndrome." Sometimes it begins out of the blue with occasional slips of the tongue, meaning to say one word and unexpectedly hearing another pop out. Or when you realize that you, once a champion speller, aren't so sure anymore how to spell "potato" or "forty." Sometimes it begins with uncharacteristically forgetting important appointments or drawing unexpected momentary blanks -- total blanks -- when it comes to remembering your only child's or best friend's name, or how to turn on the computer you've been using for years. Sometimes with feeling mentally "hazy" "foggy," or "spacey" and not being able to clear things up though you need to be "sharp" at that moment. "What's happening to me" you wonder. "Could this be early, early, early Alzheimer's disease or a brain tumor?" "I'm losing it," women say. "I'm going out of my mind," "I'm falling apart at the seams." "I'm flipping out." "I'm cracking up." "I'm having a nervous breakdown," "I'm just not myself." "I don't know what's wrong with me." "I do the strangest things." "I think I'm getting early Alzheimer's." As you examine the following chart keep in mind that the symptoms below typically occur as brief come-and-go episodes within the context of a functional ongoing nondisabled life, not unlike the manner of hot flashes. THINKING CHANGES -Losing your train of thought more often than in the past -Forgetting what you came into a room to get more than in the past -Not being able to concentrate as well upon demand -Feeling foggy, hazy, and cotton-headed and not being able to clear it up at will -Experiencing a thought blockade: an inability to pull ideas out at will -Fluctuating agility in prioritizing as well as in the past SPEECH CHANGES -Naming difficulties for long-known names: children, best friends, things, places -Finding yourself at a loss for words in how to express something while speaking -Experiencing "It's on the tip of my tongue but I can't get it out" sensation -Making malapropisms: saying wrong words that are related some how to the intended one -Reversing whole words while speaking -Reversing the first letters of words while speaking -Experiencing "echo" words as unintentional intrusions into present speech -Relying on "filler" words more often: "whatchamacallit," "that thing," "you know what I mean" -Organizing sentences and ideas less efficiently while speaking CHANGES IN THE "BEAM" OF ATTENTION -Blinking social attention when interested and interacting: listening but not always attending -Blanking-out amnesia for what you just did -Experiencing increased distractability MEMORY CHANGES: SHORT- AND LONG-TERM -Forgetting what you just did, or past occurrences, with no threads of associationto getting back to what's missing: missing links -Changing certainty in how words should be spelled in once good or great spellers -Fluctuating agility in calculating and in "counting with a quick scanning look" -Experiencing changes in the speed and accuracy of memory retrieval -Forgetting the content of a movie right after seeing it but remembering your emotional reaction to it BEHAVIORAL CHANGES -Making behavioral "malapropisms": unintended slips in behavior that are related to the intended behavior somehow, such as putting shampoo inthe refrigerator -Forgetting briefly how to do things long known, such as where to turn on the computer -Feeling that automatic skills such as driving for a few moments are not "automatic" in the same way as usual -Dropping things more often that require fine finger/hand coordination -Absentmindedly, leaving out or reversing letters in words while writing -Forgetting how to write a word in the middle of writing and having to leave blanks -Experiencing "translating" hesitations in converting what's heard into writing -Not handling the same amount of stress in the same way SPATIAL SKILLS CHANGES -Changing skill in remembering and/or recognizing faces (not well-known faces) -"Looking at but not seeing" what you are looking for when it's right there ultimately, more than in the past -Changing reading skill in visually "seeing" and comprehending reading material -Spending less time reading, without difficulties above (for formerly heavy-duty readers) -Forgetting briefly how to get to long-known landmarks in your life -Experiencing familiar locales in one's experience as momentarily unfamiliar ALTERED SENSE OF TIME -Forgetting appointments more or not anticipating events of personal importance with the same accuracy as in the past -Forgetting important events in your personal history timeline, i.e., which breast you had biopsied -"Living more in the moment" out of necessity: a "spliced-film-frames" sense of personal time I have to tell you, I read through this article, and it was like my whole body melted with relief. First, my concern was legit. There really was a change in all these things, I wasn't just being dramatic. Second, it was caused by my hormones and not something much bigger, or much more fatal. Unfortunately, this means it is probably not going away any time soon. I have probably been going through menopause now for, roughly, four years. My body reminds me when my brain forgets, with hot flashes, and other fun things only middle-aged women are supposed to have to deal with, but this whole foggy brain thing is really putting a strain on things. I think it is time for me to look into some kind of treatment, whether it's a simple support group kind of thing with other young women who have gone through this before, or hormone replacement therapy, or, I don't know, but there must be something I can do. It says in the article that many women that show these symptoms are often diagnosed with ADD...I was just telling a classmate the other day that I think it's time to be checked for that because something is going on that goes a little past normal. You know what's crazy? I always believed I had hypothyroidism before I found out I had menopause, turns out I wasn't too off-base, the symptoms are very similar, and often women going through menopause often experience changes in thyroid functioning. Often menopause can leave you with other mental and physical symptoms like bouts of depression and leaving your body "bone wearying" tired. For those of you who know my lifestyle, neither of those things are really an option for me, but they tend to happen more than I ever let on. Basically, to sum all of this up, my hormones are kicking my butt right now, but I would take this over a brain tumor any day. Now, what was I saying again...... :)