Swimming

Swimming Swimming The surface tide. Afraid of the deep, of what's deep inside. Thank goodness for the Spirit who lives within me; helps me to swim through the deep blue sea.

Cowardly Lion?

You know what? I’m tired of cowards. I continue to meet men, and some I actually get to know, but for what? I know I’m not the most consistent person, I know that. However, sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns and go after what you want. Maybe it’s all been a blessing in disguise, in order for me to have the chance to meet the man who will have courage enough to take a chance on someone who has so much to offer. The sad part is, there have been men in my life who have absolutely adored me, and have taken a chance by telling me so, and I have not returned those feelings, but at least I let them know that from the beginning. I’m not speaking of a specific instance, or even anything recent. Well, maybe some recent things, but nothing really substantial. Apparently, enough to cause me to be frustrated enough to write this blog, though. When I actually take time to think about it, however, I have passed on some great men I have met, but never took the time to get to know. There was Brandon, the young man who helped me sneak into the Bush Dinner in Grand Rapids, when GW was first running for President. He was very important to the Republican Party at that time, and I wouldn’t doubt if he has worked his way towards the top by now. He asked me out after the whole volunteer experience was over. I totally blew him off. Why? I can’t even remember…I think I might have thought he was too quiet or willing to settle for campaign manager instead of running, himself. I never called him back. I saw him many months later. He came into the dealership I worked at with his little brother. It was the cutest thing, the way he was with his brother. It was obvious he had been intrigued by me, so why didn’t I at least give him a chance? At the dealership I said hello and apologized for blowing him off. He barely spoke to me, and left without saying good-bye. I deserved that, for sure, and felt more attracted to him in that moment than ever before. Then, there was Erion. Eri was from Albania, and I met him in my Political Science class when I was a freshman. By the end of the semester we had talked over many lunches, and he even gave me his big wool sweater he was wearing on that last day of class. I said “I like your sweater…GIVE IT TO ME!” Just kidding, of course. Next thing I know, he throws the sweater onto my desk. I throw it back, naturally, it was a wool Eddie Bauer sweater, obviously very expensive. He threw it back and said, “it is worth more to me knowing that every time you wear this sweater you will think of me.” Oh my gosh, I’m a moron. Even writing this, I realize I’m a moron. I think he had a “kind of” girl back home, though, in Albania. He would go back in the summer and work in the orphanages there. Seriously, he’ll probably be President one day, of Albania. I never saw him again, until once at the end of the next semester, his time here was almost up, and the unmistakable sparks flew between us again. I remember when I finally got up the courage to search him out in his dorm…he had moved out the day before. Then, there was the intellect I met at Barnes & Nobles not long after that. You would think I would have learned my lesson with Brandon, unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. I worked in the children’s section in the evening, and he had come in a couple times and we talked. He asked me for my number, and I gave it to him. When he called, I never called him back. I think I was intimidated by him…his intelligence. I also couldn’t figure out what we would have in common, but I didn’t even take the opportunity to find out. I saw him a few months later at Barnes & Nobles, and apologized to him, explaining exactly why I didn’t call him back, and also explaining that I knew he didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I’m glad I ran into him, so I was, basically, forced to apologize to him. He deserved at least that much. Then, we have Kevin. I met him when I decided to go to a Square Dance/Hay Ride with the ministry at Grand Valley. I didn’t know anyone, and just started talking to people, hoping it wouldn’t be completely excruciating. I actually got to know quite a few people on that trip, and had a really good time. I was sitting by the fire to warm up and literally ran into a guy sitting down. Seriously, it was straight out of a romantic comedy, (which have completely jaded me, by the way) and we struck up a conversation. We went out a few times, but I had no idea how to date somebody or what the heck was going on. We had some slightly romantic walks and talks, and it was nice. We never even kissed, but I just stopped calling him. He kinda reminded me of my dad…I think that was part of it. I think we both kind of realized that we didn’t have those kinds of feelings, but he at least deserved an explanation or something. There are more really great guys, wow, a lot more than I realized now that I’m thinking about it. I, at least, learned to be honest and up-front, and give them some sort of explanation. You know, after writing these stories, I realize that I’m getting exactly what I deserve. Almost every ex-boyfriend has come to me after we have broken up, whether by my choice or theirs, and said that I’m the one, they realize that now. What is that? Most of them, I broke up with them, but a couple left me no choice (I tried to warn them;). And now, it’s the guys I date that usually stop calling me. You know what I just realized? I think, with a few of them, it’s because I wouldn’t sleep with them. How could I not realize that before? That’s really sad if that’s the reason. I know I have the potential to be a great lover…really. If they would just be a bit patient, they would have the chance to experience that, after they choose to accept and appreciate all the other things I have to offer. Recently, I have been set up with one guy who ended up going to trial because he slept with his high school students (crazy!) and another who doesn’t seem interested to even get to know me. Again, it’s probably a blessing in disguise. I never planned on allowing anyone to set me up, but they seemed so persistent about these gentleman. I think I’m done with the set-up game for now. Besides, because none of these things have really worked out, God has had a chance to work on me as a woman. I’ve had the chance to figure out what brings me joy and breaks my heart. I have grown in class and character…and actually appreciate who I am. I’ve also had the chance to love Christ with my whole heart, with no distractions, and find out what it feels like to completely trust Him, before I give part of my heart to a man. I know, now, what kind of wife I want to be, and I know it will be pleasing to God, and pleasing to my husband. I know that I might never get married, and I have accepted that, with peace. I have moments, obviously, just look how I started this blog. It’s amazing how God speaks to my heart through my own words, and reminds me of what is real, what is love, and what is worth the wait, even if it’s just waiting to go to Heaven and give my love to Christ. I’m sure glad Christ isn’t a coward. Maybe I’m the coward.

why is it?

why is it... girls always use halloween as an excuse to dress kinda scandalous? even girls who normally don't dress like that have a tendency to tramp-up, i mean doll-up, for halloween. i've never understood it... why is it...driving in bay city or saginaw always turns me into the devil? i could be doing fine, singing along to the radio, and BAM! suddenly i'm throwing my hands up in the air, and staring at the "I Love Jesus" air freshener hanging from my rear view mirror to remind me who i stand for, and reminding myself that i have probably unintentionally pissed a few people off while driving like a maniac... why is it...when i know something or someone is probably not good for me, suddenly i find myself thinking of it more and more...now that's just stupid... why is it...whenever something smells gross, we always want someone else to smell it, too? why is it...i always choose the day i have the most obligations to take off and do what i want? why is it...we are intrigued or think someone is cool if they like "different" stuff? you like what you like, how does that make you ratable, or datable? why is it...every time i make plans, i immediately want to break them? why is it...the "pretty people" always seem to hang out in big groups of other "pretty people"...it's almost like a cult of the gorgeous people...every pretty person is invited, even if they're an idiot why is it...i can manage to say the wrong thing at the wrong time all the time? why is it...i feel nothing is impossible, yet i sit and do nothing most of the time, because i'm afraid that nothing is impossible why is it...i try to fix everything all the time...so i end up talking way too much? why is it...2 o'clock in the afternoon and i feel like i've accomplished nothing? boo!!

days go by

just sittin' here thinking of days that go by that i will never remember ever again somehow i can't help but feel what happens on those days is still significant somehow or else what's the point? or is it up to me to make them significant somehow