Love is.....

On Sunday Pastor Bill said something that will stay with me forever, it was a quote, but I forget who said it (sorry) "You can only love God as much as you love the person you love the least." After careful consideration I realized the person I loved the least was me. Then, I knew that wasn't true, cuz if it were, people wouldn't frustrate me, and I would never have cause to feel cheated or wronged, cuz I would just assume I deserved it. So....after recognizing how selfish it was for me to reflect on myself first, I realized that God loves Osama Bin Laden as much as He loves me, but He also loves Mother Theresa as much as He loves me, too. Do I love everyone the same like that? Or do I love the people more who can give something back to me, even if it's just gratification? Being honest with myself is so hard, but I know that I do not love everyone equally. Oh, I try sometimes. I try to love the people no one else loves, but am I also loving the people that don't love them? That is a great challenge that I am willing to accept. It kind of makes everything else that I'm worried about seem trivial and silly.

Lazy Days of Autumn? Yeah Right.......

I think it's time to slow down a little bit...unfortunately, my busiest time is coming up in the next four weeks, actually, next seven weeks. it's going to pick up even more on sunday and not slow down again until the last week of november. i couldn't sleep last night. i had the place to myself, which is always a blessing, but I didn't even get home until after 11, and it was so quiet....but i was up until 6am. I think everything just hit me all at once. God is so good to me during those times, offering me a new perspective after I've just freaked out for a few hours. His perspective is not really what I wanted to hear, but it's always exactly what I need to hear. My priorities have been a little mixed up this week. My main concentration has been Homecoming and Alpha Psi. I need to focus on the church - since it is my job (a.k.a. my income), and my classes, but I don't have any time. I need to make time because I have enough money to cover rent on the 1st, and gas for next week, and that's it. I hate money. I hate needing it, and I hate wanting it. Most of all, I hate when I don't have it...it shouldn't matter, but it does. When I am financially okay, I can usually make anything else work. It's times like these, when it needs to become a priority but there isn't any room for it, that I begin to get anxious and weary. The devil would love me to stay that way. I know better, and I know God is always victorious. He has always provided a way, but only if I am willing to realign my priorities and get it straight. This is the worst time for this wake-up call because everything needs my attention right now. However, it is also the best time, cuz God is getting my attention before things are totally out of control. I am truly blessed.

(Bob, Ann Marie, Me and Carp) This was the wierdest group of friends...but we had some of the best times!! My friend Bob, the crazy in the grey shirt, is 26 on Sunday..HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOB!!! 

Time After Time

It's 3:30 in the morning.....and, yep, I'm still awake. Things have been kinda crazy lately. I've been craving a lot of alone time. Rehearsal is my favorite time of the day...but I have been having to put in a couple extra hours of practice in each day as well, since I'm not as musically inclined as the others. I love going into the piano practice rooms and fighting my way through a song until I have my part down. I've learned a lot about music, how to read music, and harmonizing (since I sing the dreaded alto part). I love it. I absolutely love it. There is so much to do all the time. I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions right now and it continues to build. I love all that I am involved in, but it does get hard to manage at times. I am behind in some things, and need to take some time to catch up and get my bearings back. I know myself well enough, however, to realize that, when I am busy, that is when I am the most productive. There is something almost peaceful about being up at this time, just taking everything in and gaining a new perspective on all of it. The truth is, none of it truly matters. I mean, it matters to a certain degree, but it is not the most important thing. The problem is, the one thing that does matter, is the one thing I feel like I'm lacking the most right now, or spending the least amount of time on. I do not talk directly to God nearly enough. I know He hears me and I listen for His leading, however, I often act or react on impulse and don't take the time necessary to allow God to work in my heart concerning my day-to-day decisions. I have not built up my relationships with people, either, but have begun to actually build up a wall instead. I'm not really sure why, and I'm not exactly sure how to go about tearing down what I have built so far. I'm sure it will take some time. It has been really hard to focus on classes this week, in fact, I haven't focused on them at all, and have some repair work to do there, as well. Suddenly, my mind feels so clear, and I know it is God opening me up to new possibilities of enlightenment. The pressure is off in this moment, and I am content. Today is a new day. God is the same God. I can be whoever I make up my mind to be. Right now I want to be asleep :)

It's 5 o'clock Somewhere

Well....it's 5:30 in the morning and I have officially been wide awake for two hours. I finally gave up and turned the light on just before 5. I find that, instead of tossing and turning for hours and finally falling asleep just minutes before I have to wake up, and becoming frustrated, it's just better to get up and get some things done while I'm awake. It's kind of nice to be up when you know most of the world is asleep....sometimes. I think it gives God time to reckon with my heart. I don't usually do homework or anything like that during times like these. Instead, I usually do something that is going to help me become a better person. I figure, if I'm up at this time, God must have something pretty important to tell me. Usually, He does. I'm sitting at the computer and the screen is all blurry because my allergies have decided to go into full-blown attack mode, we have two animals in the house - I'm sure that's not helping. I managed to catch a pretty crazy cold, too. The timing couldn't be better, what with school starting, auditions, Alpha Psi stuff, and things at the church really starting to get rolling. Despite all of that, my spirits are high at the moment. I know, whose spirit can possibly be high at 5:30 in the morning? Check up on me and see how I'm doing about 4 o'clock tomorrow (or today, actually), when I know I have to sit through a three hour class, and I've already trudged through a long day....my spirit may leave something to be desired then, but I'll try to make the best of it. I just did Satin Hands from Mary Kay on my hands and gave myself a manicure.....and now I'm eating a doughnut leftover from the meeting at church. Believe me, I am a better person because of this doughnut :). Whoever invented custard-filled chocolate glazed doughnuts oughtta win the Nobel Peace Prize. Oh yeah....auditions last week were craaazy! There were so many good people, it was fun to watch everyone. The singing part of it was so nerve racking. I did not do well with that part, but I didn't give up and knew that, since my singing was below mediocre, I had to really step it up for the reading and dancing parts. It must have been enough because I got the part I wanted!! I couldn't believe it, and I still can't believe it. We are doing "Bat Boy: The Musical" and I am the mayor of the town, Mayor Maggie. It is going to be a very fun character to develop. I like to think she's a cross between Hillary Clinton and Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies...should be interesting. I am so blessed to be able to be a part of this show. There were a lot of good people that did not get cast. I still am bewildered when I think about it. We are also doing "Elephant Man". The auditions are in a couple of weeks. It's a really great show, and I would love to be part of it. Unfortunately, with auditions and rehearsals starting before "Bat Boy" even hits the stage, and many good people going after the few roles there are, it's not really looking high in my favor. I am going to audition, though, and give it 100%. Hopefully, I'll be able to squeeze into that show as well, and work very hard to earn a spot. Everything happens just as it should....as long as I know I did my best, I'm satisfied with what comes out of all of this. I'm going to go upstairs and get myself organized to ensure that everything that needs to be done this week will get done. I know it won't ALL get done, but it would be nice to at least make a dent in my to-do list. It's the second week of school and I feel like I'm already a little behind. I just added a Tuesday/Thursday English class on Friday. That means I've already missed the first two classes. Hopefully, I can bear down and catch up.............hopefully. Well, I better get upstairs and do something a little more productive than sitting in front of the computer writing to myself. Good night.....or, good morning....whichever makes you feel better.