There is a video I posted on Facebook of a little curly-haired blonde girl in her pajamas singing to herself in the mirror about how she loves everything in her life, and how she is good at things, and it's hysterical. That little girl is totally me, and how I have always been since I was very little, no matter what's happened to me. I still have moments like that, of thankfulness and pure joy and confidence, dancing and making up songs in my bedroom, even when nobody is looking. I have a light and an optimism inside of me that is virtually unmatched in anyone I know. It's real, and it's still there, even after everything that's happened. Though that light-haired dancing optimist gets a little lost sometimes, especially recently, she still shows up from time to time, and I'm starting to find her again, all by myself.
I don't need this city to work for me in order for me to feel good about my life. This city needs me. I don't need some grand success by the world's standards to feel validated. All the little things I do for others (including strangers) every day means more than any great role, job, house, or success I could have in this world. I don't need other people to feel good about me. People need me to feel good about them. I don't need to punish myself or feel ashamed, that's God's job, not mine, and He never wants me to feel that way. Lately, I've been feeling some growing pains, as if I'm at the edge of some big change. I've been feeling it coming for a while. Well, this is it. It's the realization of my life's true purpose. It took me to completely break down, and end up truly alone, to realize it. I broke on Friday night. I was already breaking because of all the new things in my life. January was one of the worst month's of my life, and it seemed, even though I was trying my hardest to move forward, everything was just getting worse with my sister leaving, Jeff's illness, couch surfing and sleeping at my office, trying and failing to make new friends and trying to keep in touch with old ones, trying and failing to re-enter the crazy dating world, stress and big changes at work, acclimating to a new living environment, my brother-in-law's heart problems, thinking about Kevin and knowing I couldn't save him, not having enough money, the stress of organizing stuff for grad school and plan B and C, school loans, you name it. I've been on the verge of breaking, but somehow managing to barely hold on, for a couple of months. I think the only thing helping me hold on was exercising, eating right, and throwing little prayers out there, most of the time. Then, on Friday I was sick in the morning, and I found out a new group of friends (one friend especially who I absolutely adored) was saying and thinking things about me that weren't true, and then I went to my old house one last time, alone, to clean and pack everything. I broke. I've never felt so completely alone in this world as I did when I went to sleep that night.
I needed that, though. Because, I woke up very early in the morning, and I was still here, and I was okay. I looked brighter that morning because I was, much brighter. God needed me to be utterly alone so I could realize I'm never actually alone, and every person is still in need of me, even the ones who treat me poorly. God needed me to be utterly alone so that He could finally show me what my true purpose is in this life. I always thought I would be someone important, do some big things in my life. Well, I have, and I will. The world may not recognize it, or even appreciate it, but I'm doing things right. This is what I'm meant to do with my life: Love God, and love people. It's simple. Sometimes the world can make you feel like so many other things are more important. I just want to make people happy, or rather, help people find happiness within themselves. If I would have stopped to think about it, I would have realized, that is my purpose. I know what people need in their lives when I meet them, and I try to give it to them. Here I've been fighting and trying so hard to get to this next awesome step or journey in my life, trying to be successful, or smarter, or fix all my mistakes, or be more lovable, or famous, or whatever. My life's purpose has been in front of me the whole time. I offer light, and peace, motivation, and joy, and sometimes I offer perspective and advice when it's appropriate. I just have to remember not to offer all of myself to every person I meet without first going back to God to regain strength and perspective. A friend of mine asked me not too long ago if I have ever been in love. I think, the trouble with me is, I fall in love with every person I meet. That's both tragic and wonderful, excruciating and exhilarating.
I'm lucky. My life's purpose is easy, and completely doable. Every day there's somebody who needs me. Today I met an older gentleman who had just been to a memorial for one of his buddies. His heart was broken. I'm so glad I met him and listened to stories about his friend. He just wanted someone to know how great this guy was, and that he didn't deserve to die the way he did. All he needed from me was for me to listen, and truly care about what he was saying. Why did I always try to make everything so difficult? It's so simple.
I can still move forward. I can still go to school and strive to be smarter, healthier, more financially stable, and well rounded. Those things will only make me better for others. I have finally learned that the better I take care of myself, the better I am able to take care of others. I am finding balance, and moderation in all I am and do. I will never fully arrive. Thank goodness, because then there is always something to work towards. I will always be a little bit crazy with my emotions. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I feel things very strongly. I finally see that there is nothing wrong with that. I do need to get better about reaching out to others when I need it, allowing others to be there for me, and I'm working on it. I know when I reach out people won't always be able to give me what I need. I see that now. It doesn't mean that I stop reaching. It doesn't mean I'm alone. It means God wants me to sit still and look to Him, be grateful, and listen.
I know how much I am cared about by others, and I appreciate it. I hope they know how much I care about them, too. I'm lucky. Because of my most recent relationship, I know what it is now to give someone both the best and worst parts of me. I've never done that before. I thank him for trusting me with the best and worst parts of himself, too. I'm so glad he did. Who knew some of the best parts of our relationship were going to happen after we broke up? I feel like we're just starting to get it. We were lucky to have it. We're lucky that we still do, even if it's in a different way. Even with all of this pain that I have felt, I wouldn't trade any of this for anything. All of it has helped me to find who and what I am meant to be in this life. For that, I will always be grateful.
Love God, love others. Here I've been searching for a much bigger gift. I don't think it gets any bigger or greater than love.
