So far so good with the new goals...or, actually establishing tangible goals. I am succeeding in going against what I want to do and trying new things that I probably need to do to remain successful both in my personal and professional life. I like how I list those two things as if they are separate....but they need to be, to some extent, in order to truly feel fulfilled....for me, at least. You would think it is simply a case of mind over matter, but for me, it seems to be more a case of matter over mind...get up and do it before you have time to think it over. It is not a matter of what I feel like doing, but more a matter of what I want to feel like, and doing the things that I know will get me there.
Some thoughts that crossed my mind in the 40 minutes of washing, chopping, and distributing:
~I have never been in love. It didn’t make me sad to think of this thought. It was truth and I like truth, no matter how painful, or trivial, or comforting it may seem at first. I think falling in love is something you have to do on purpose, and I am not so sure that I have opened myself up to even allow the possibility. It’s okay with me, for now. I can’t help but wonder if I will hold out so long that my heart will eventually take over at the worst time and I will be left to wander, searching for something I think I have missed. So, I will be open. I will not prioritize it as of yet, but I will be open, even if it is just to save myself from what I would misconstrue as breaking free.
~”Everybody Has A Dream” sounds like Mike Brush singing, and sounds like the kind of song he would write. A duet with Mike Brush and Billy Joel would be awesome.
~I need moments like this, chopping, listening, thinking. There is always something to accomplish or finish. In order to not become completely unhinged and need more than a few days to be alone and regroup, I need to stop, breathe, and listen. I have found a secret today. I can accomplish something even during those little breaks. Preparing something that can only serve to help me through the week has also served to help me unwind. It seems simple, but I am just figuring it out. Perhaps something like this would not have served me the same purpose at a different season of my life. Perhaps it would have. I can’t even guess, so regret is useless in this regard. I am who I am, I did what I did, it is what it is....if you can’t change it, why give it any more time or thought? Learn your lessons and move on. If you keep repeating negative behavior after you have come to certain conclusions about them, then there is obviously something deeper going on. I certainly hope people are not afraid to dig deep. I realize I need it to continue growing. Moments like these allow me to grow. I consider them crucial now.
~Before I started chopping, I read snippets of “The Vertical Hour”, a script by David Hare. I desire to read through it entirely, and sit down with it for some time. At first, I was afraid I was wasting time when reading scripts, or anything, for personal fulfillment. I mean, I have scripts to find that can actually be used in the classroom or for a high school play, lessons to prepare, grades to put in, a set to build, technical theatre to learn, blocking to figure out, copies to make, e-mails to read and answer, supplies to organize and put away, things to reconfigure, etc. So many times as teachers I think we forget to keep learning, for us...our benefit. We’re so busy teaching, we forget to keep pursuing our own personal goals that have nothing to do with our career. It was easy for me to say I was growing because everything I teach has something to do with something I love, theatre. Instead, I should see it as, if I am personally progressing my own journey through theatre, it could only benefit my students. The two become muddy because the content of study is sometimes the same. I should find moments to memorize and workshop monologues, for me. I should get physically fit, and adopt a healthier lifestyle, for me. I should understand my limitations and not compromise that boundary, ever, for me. If I do these things, it will naturally benefit the students I see every day. I cannot choose to do those things for that reason, though, it must be for me. That is the only way it will truly be fulfilling and make a difference. It is muddy. Sometimes I will just have to sit down and do something, defining it specifically as something for personal fulfillment. I wouldn’t have to do that with every single thing, of course...I can still play in the mud.
Many other thoughts flowed through my mind as I stood in my kitchen. My mind segues from one thought to another in such a strange chain of events and string of thoughts. These were the big realizations that actually ended with some sort of conclusion or almost made it through the entire thought process.
I am going for a walk on this beautiful evening, before I have time to realize I would really love to just sit on this couch and zone out to the TV instead until I look up and see a few hours have gone by, resulting in nothing, piggy backed by guilt. I’m sure the walk will change my perspective, and I will have an entire new flow of thought by the end...maybe even about the previously mentioned ideas. Hopefully, I have allowed my mind to wander freely enough to gain focus when I need it tonight, working towards how I want to feel....free, open, accomplished, focused, energetic and relaxed. Here’s hoping I do not continue to do the same things over and over expecting a different result....here’s to change....even if it’s one thing, or just one thing at a time.
