shoe strings and lollipops

i hate "when harry met sally"...i hate harry...and i hate sally...

which is a shame, because i love meg ryan and billy crystal. 

friends aren't always meant to be together.  

really.  i always thought that they were because of stupid movies like this one...but it's not true.  (big sigh)...it's a brilliant phone scene...you know, after they sleep together and they each call their best friends, who happen to be married.  excellent move by the writers to have that scene...well played by the director...but i'm getting distracted...  

i thought maybe, if two people were friends, eventually they were meant to be together, (especially when everyone you know is pushing for you to be together...and assuming that you've already been together, even though you haven't), and it was only just recently i realized how untrue that is, and how jaded i've been from stupid movies like this one (almost screwing up perfectly good friendships because of such jaded-ness.)  two friends show up by themselves at a wedding years later, and end up sitting by each other...you might think it's meant to be...but i know that is not the case, and he knows that's not the case...but everyone else seems to be just as jaded as i used to be.  i know.  i used to be so sure, and now, sitting here, watching this movie, i realize...i don't know a damn thing...thank goodness.

i was in damons getting a drink (if you ever want to meet a successful single man, go into damon's on a thursday night.)  it was flattering, the attention i received, especially since i was in sweatpants and no make-up, but really dis-heartening as well...because they don't even know me.  they see a girl interested in the colorado/west virginia game, drinking a beer, and they want to marry you.  they don't know that i am indecisive, loud, sometimes irrational, and often incomprehensible.  they just see a young, blonde chic drinkin' and watchin' the game, and thinking (maybe because of stupid movies they have watched, as well) that we might be destined to be together...or maybe, they just want to know my name...and i'm the one that's giving myself too much credit assuming the rest.  

(oh great..."pure country" is on cmt.   that's another one of 'those' movies.  it has my favorite song in it...at the end, of course...when the star-crossed lovers end up together because he sings "cross my heart" to her, while she sits in the front row of his awesome las vegas concert...i think.)

i'm not as bitter, or cynical, or jaded as i sound.  believe it or not i am feeling pretty confident, and secure, and relieved.  i am relieved because i see it now...i see how wrong i was, and am, and probably will be, because of movies like these.

i just recently had my ten year reunion...yes, my high school reunion, thank  you very much...and i saw a man...who i thought was my soulmate when i was sixteen.  

seriously.  i do appreciate him as a person, don't get me wrong...but i kissed him...of course i did...hello?!  it was fun...until, mid-kiss, when he professed his love for me.  he told me he loves me, he's sure of it, he's always loved me...

oh, crap.  

suddenly kissing wasn't as much fun.  (you'll have to forgive me if this is a little choppy and...well, awkward...i've had some champagne, and i am an awkward person...cheers...so i'm going to tell this story as is, and probably allow it to be published and remain on my blog...however embarrassing it might be in the morning...because it must be coming from some place honest within me.)  suddenly...i felt a burden...a burden to be honest about what feelings i don't have, and haven't had for a long time.  the funny thing is, it didn't seem to sway him one way or the other...as if he thought i was denying myself the truth of the matter...when the truth of the matter was i couldn't wait to get back to camp and forget about what had just taken place.

i'm tired of my unavailable friends offering availability to me, if i were to be so inclined...that just makes me sad, and happens more often then anyone would care to know.  i'm tired of everyone trying to set me up with their son, or grandson, or godson, simply because i am old and unattached.  really?  am i not a whole person because i don't have somebody to 'share my life with?'...um...news flash...i share my life with a lot of people...but, mostly, i share my life with God.  why is that not enough for others?  

a friend of mine said that the ladies at his church told him he needs to meet a nice girl with good credit...ha.  i don't want someone to save me.  i want to save myself.  i would like to know i can do it on my own before someone else comes along who can do it for me.  i want to know that i succeeded, and made good choices, for me.  therefore, i shouldn't be surprised i haven't met that guy i'm going to spend the rest of my life with...because i'm still making some idiotic choices...

maybe when i start making some really good choices, that's when i'll meet mister right...maybe it's that very thought that keeps me from making good choices....

maybe...it's time to get under the covers and appreciate how far i've come...and appreciate movies like this that make me smile...but don't define my life, or gauge my decisions any longer. 

 

maybe, i'm doin' just fine..just me and God.  

just me and God - i like the sound of that....

 

Home of the Free?

This was an excerpt from one of the many postings after the craziness that was going on outside the RNC...I'm sure we won't be seeing it on the Fox News Channel anytime soon: RNC 2008: I was arrested after filming this video . The cops fired flash grenades, herded us onto Marion bridge and arrested us I went downtown to St. Paul in order to get some pictures and observe the situation (I already protested on Monday), but John Ireland Bridge was blocked by the police with dump trucks when I got there. The cops said there was a bomb threat to the Minnesota Historical Society, but that was quite clearly a lie since they were standing so close to it and they'd already closed the other bridges as I found out later. So I went over to the capitol on foot using the Marion Street Bridge instead. I saw more cops than protesters. The cops had the city in a headlock. All the other bridges were closed by the police; cops, BCA agents and national guardsman were everywhere. St. Paul was on fucking lockdown. By the time I found out how totally heavy-handed the police presence was I was getting tired and decided to split. I was trying to get back to my car on the other side of the Marion street bridge when I saw a group about 200 protesters approaching the bridge. That's why I'm walking against the flow at the beginning of the video. Unfortunately I was too busy trying to get good footage and didn't notice the cops had surrounded us on all sides. Soon the police started firing flash grenades, smoke bombs and generally scaring the shit out of me and all these peaceful protesters. We were corraled onto the bridge where they told us we were all under arrest, but not before all of us were shellshocked by the overwhelming police response. Notice how none of the protesters resisted or attacked the cops in any way. This is ironic because we were charged with "resisting a lawful order" along with the 1st amendment-killing crime of "presence at an unlawful assembly. " Whatever happened to the right of people to peaceably assemble? We are not free; The Bill of Rights is no longer operative. If you aren't reading this from jail that simply means the cops haven't bothered to arrest you on trumped up charges yet. They can clearly do exactly that whenever they want, with no repercussions. I wasn't even part of the protest and I was charged with being part of an "unlawful assembly. " The whole arrest process took hours. We were told to sit and put our hands on our heads, which many people had to do for several hours (your arms get sore). I was cuffed after an hour or so and stood around for another hour waiting to get my mug shot (on the bridge; this was all very ad hoc). Since we were on the bridge for so long they eventually hauled at least 3 porta-potties onto the bridge itself, for both police and protester usage (under heavy guard, of course). Eventually I was led onto a city bus with 40 other arrestees and brought to the Ramsey County jail for booking. They searched me about 5 times, confiscated all my stuff, and gave me a paper bag with a peanutbutter and jelly sandwitch and two apples. See, even oppressive police tactics have a Minnesota Nice aspect. Of course we didn't get knives so we had to spread the jelly and PB with our fingers. Hours dragged by as we waded our way through the bureaucracy and were eventually cited and loaded onto a paddywagon and driven out of the jail. They let us out just outside the fences and we were free -- and on our own far from where we were arrested, but at least the incredibly awesome Coldsnap Legal Collective were there to offer us hugs and access to free legal advice. People without rides or places to go were able to sleep on the grass outside the jailhouse thanks to sleeping bags the Coldsnap folks brought. Somebody sent the angels last night; they're doing great work and need your support! The problem with good things is that the police like to infiltrate and ruin them from the inside. That might've been the case with the protest last night. I heard several people talking about police plants -- agent provocateurs pretending to be protesters, inciting violence and keeping their superiors informed about where they are headed. Unfortunately, this is standard practice for police departments these days, including Denver during the DNC. How many acts of vandalism and violence that you read about in the mainstream media were actually committed by undercover cops in order to incite and defame activists? Imagine the embarrassment of the police and governments if they held a convention with massive protests and no one was arrested! They'd have spent millions upon millions of dollars for nothing! They've got to earn their outrageous security budgets, which is why they were so keen to arrest anybody who happened to be near Marion St. Bridge last night, including media folks and medics (at least 5 were arrested, along with a dozen credentialed photographers). Of course they also wanted to show who's boss. Clearly they are, and clearly they are not going to allow us to change the system peacefully or otherwise. We are not free. We are only permitted to do what they let us; truly free expression is verboten. Believe it or not, America used to be a pretty anything-goes society as long as it wasn't overtly violent (think of the Old West). Nowadays we cling to our police state as if that makes us safer. But what have we lost in the process?