Friday, May 27th
I can’t think of a better way to spend a Friday night than camping out at Chad’s house.
I had dinner tonight with four extraordinary men, and one adorable baby. I know, sounds like a Ted Danson movie, but it really was fabulous. Our conversation went round and round, and it felt like I have been part of this little group all along. I adore all of them. I often adore the people I meet along the way. I am friends with a ton of pretty stellar people, so, naturally, it makes sense that their friends also tend to be stellar people.
How do I meet such amazing individuals? And, why do they want to be part of my life? You have to be open, I suppose. I think open is definitely one way to describe me. I can think of many other more suitable words, but that would be getting off track.
I am always inspired after spending time with Chad...inspired and exhausted thinking about all of the things I know I am capable of accomplishing.
I feel like I could change Saginaw. Let me rephrase that: I feel like I have the energy, ideas, and could find the wherewithal to lead the team that would ultimately start the ball rolling towards a viable future for Saginaw. It makes me tired to think about it, and also extremely excited, because I know how much work it will take to get and keep things moving forward.
I feel like I could eventually be president of the national organization American Alliance for Theatre and Education. I know what direction I would take the conference, and the organization as a whole.
I feel like I could make connections and take SASA Theatre to a level it has never seen before. I have come to enjoy teaching a great deal.
I feel like I could start my own performing arts center.
I feel like I could audition and make it into a reputable Masters program, maybe even one overseas.
I feel like health, wellness, and motivation could become more than just a lifestyle, but an actual career path.
How do you know which dream to follow? Becoming a better teacher is where I chose to focus my energy this year, and I am so pleased to see the result. I am happy. I am never happy for long just plugging into one thing, though. However, it seems to work well to be able to focus your energy into one area. Teaching theatre is so broad. There are so many elements involved. Simply establishing, organizing, and maintaining spaces for costumes, props, lumber, tools, sound equipment, etc. is a daunting and ongoing task in and of itself, and makes up roughly 5% of my job.
Recently, my social life has become a priority. I am surprised to see what direction that has taken me so quickly. I am happy to say things are moving along nicely. However, it takes up some time I could be spending on the aforementioned dreams. Now that I am sitting here thinking about all of the things I want to do, I can’t help but wonder if the social life thing is really all that important. Was it just a phase and now it’s time to get back to work? Is there a way to balance both? Where does family time fit in with all of this? Seems what I am really after is some semblance of balance. But I want to see, and do, and know everything!
Every time I go to Lansing, or Grand Rapids, or Detroit, I feel called to take action in my own community and start making things happen. Every time I see a great performance, or begin brainstorming with the performing arts teachers, I feel inspired to work collaboratively and make things happen for my students and my school. Every time I workshop a monologue, or read a great script with an abstruse and/or esoteric character, I feel that pull (that seems to come from somewhere within my bones) to sink my teeth into that role and act again. Every time I am driving home from an amazing weekend with new or old friends, I am reminded how important it is to take breaks, invest in others, and enjoy those moments. Every time I am with my family I am reminded how much I love them, and how important they really are to me. I hate that my family just gets my leftover time and energy sometimes. They deserve more. Every time I go to church I am reminded what it’s really all about, and it makes me want to get more involved with a small group, or volunteering with the youth, or to consider the mission field, or work on a couple of service projects.
No matter where I happen to be, I always want to go all in. You can’t go all in on one thing...it’s impossible. If you tell me something is impossible, though, I will go to extreme lengths to show myself the fallacy of the statement.
Go big or go home, right? Or is there something in between that is just as divine?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
The White Rabbit Was Right
My whole life I have always been late. Late bloomer, late for appointments, even late to mature...socially. Just....late.
With God, however, timing is everything. It’s all happening just as it should, in it’s own time.
I am not late. I am right where God wants me to be. Or, maybe, I am not where God wants me to be, but He’s going to use me in this time, in this place, in spite of my eternal tardiness. You want to hear something strange? I never thought I would live to see 30. Maybe I’m just late on that one, too.
I once was late for an appointment with a friend, who was my boss at the time. When I arrived exasperated and huffing and puffing to show him I “sure tried real hard to hurry” but was late anyway, he said something really interesting that stuck with me forever. He simply said, “You know, when you’re late, Colleen, it makes the person waiting feel like you felt there was something more important than them.” I wish I could say I haven’t been late since. I can say however, that I am usually the person left waiting now, and I always repeat the quote to the latecomer who is often huffing and puffing and making excuses when they arrive.
Distractions annoy me. (Funny statement to write, as it has absolutely nothing to do with the previous paragraph...see...annoying:) Distractions can be annoying...especially if it’s somebody on their phone or computer while they are hanging out with you. I think being on your phone, texting, or being on your computer makes the people you’re with feel like there is someplace else you would rather be. If there is someplace else you would rather be, my friends all know, I would rather you be there than feeling like you’re stuck with me. I never want anyone to talk to me or hang out with me out of a sense of obligation. Gross. Go, be happy doing what you want to do. I want you to be happy. So, you are not doing me any favors by hanging out with me or talking to me trying to make me happy. I know how to be happy all by myself. I want you to know how to be happy all by yourself, too.
I used to be distracted all the time when I would hang out with other people. Back then it wasn’t so much about phones or laptops...you were lucky if you knew a handful of people who owned them, but more about waiting for something better to come along. I would always keep myself open in case something more engaging cropped up. I think that’s where my affinity towards a lack of making plans began. I realized I was never fully engaged in any one moment. That gets tiring after a while. Plus, it doesn’t make you happy. You can never be quite fully satisfied that way. I’m not sure when things changed for me in this regard. I think it might have been accidentally letting go of a little of the control and realizing how enjoyable that could be. Maybe it was some significant event (although not quite significant enough to recall at the moment) that made me desire to live in the moment and cherish the people close to me in that time, in that place. Whatever it was, I’m grateful for it. I now fully engage in almost every moment I’m in, especially if it involves people who are dear to me; and I have a lot of amazing people who are very dear to me. Perhaps this appreciation came when I stopped being able to see my friends and family so regularly. I’m not sure. All I know is I find joy now in every moment, and appreciate exactly where I am, and who I am with, as it is happening. I am fully present. I think that is one of the best feelings in the world. That is joy.
With God, however, timing is everything. It’s all happening just as it should, in it’s own time.
I am not late. I am right where God wants me to be. Or, maybe, I am not where God wants me to be, but He’s going to use me in this time, in this place, in spite of my eternal tardiness. You want to hear something strange? I never thought I would live to see 30. Maybe I’m just late on that one, too.
I once was late for an appointment with a friend, who was my boss at the time. When I arrived exasperated and huffing and puffing to show him I “sure tried real hard to hurry” but was late anyway, he said something really interesting that stuck with me forever. He simply said, “You know, when you’re late, Colleen, it makes the person waiting feel like you felt there was something more important than them.” I wish I could say I haven’t been late since. I can say however, that I am usually the person left waiting now, and I always repeat the quote to the latecomer who is often huffing and puffing and making excuses when they arrive.
Distractions annoy me. (Funny statement to write, as it has absolutely nothing to do with the previous paragraph...see...annoying:) Distractions can be annoying...especially if it’s somebody on their phone or computer while they are hanging out with you. I think being on your phone, texting, or being on your computer makes the people you’re with feel like there is someplace else you would rather be. If there is someplace else you would rather be, my friends all know, I would rather you be there than feeling like you’re stuck with me. I never want anyone to talk to me or hang out with me out of a sense of obligation. Gross. Go, be happy doing what you want to do. I want you to be happy. So, you are not doing me any favors by hanging out with me or talking to me trying to make me happy. I know how to be happy all by myself. I want you to know how to be happy all by yourself, too.
I used to be distracted all the time when I would hang out with other people. Back then it wasn’t so much about phones or laptops...you were lucky if you knew a handful of people who owned them, but more about waiting for something better to come along. I would always keep myself open in case something more engaging cropped up. I think that’s where my affinity towards a lack of making plans began. I realized I was never fully engaged in any one moment. That gets tiring after a while. Plus, it doesn’t make you happy. You can never be quite fully satisfied that way. I’m not sure when things changed for me in this regard. I think it might have been accidentally letting go of a little of the control and realizing how enjoyable that could be. Maybe it was some significant event (although not quite significant enough to recall at the moment) that made me desire to live in the moment and cherish the people close to me in that time, in that place. Whatever it was, I’m grateful for it. I now fully engage in almost every moment I’m in, especially if it involves people who are dear to me; and I have a lot of amazing people who are very dear to me. Perhaps this appreciation came when I stopped being able to see my friends and family so regularly. I’m not sure. All I know is I find joy now in every moment, and appreciate exactly where I am, and who I am with, as it is happening. I am fully present. I think that is one of the best feelings in the world. That is joy.
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Water Night
Water Night by Eric Whitacre
Night with the eyes of a horse that trembles in the night,
Night with eyes of water in the field asleep
Is in your eyes, a horse that trembles is in
Your eyes of secret water.
Eyes of shadow-water,
Eyes of well-water,
Eyes of dream-water.
Silence and solitude,
Two little animals moon-led,
Drink in your eyes,
Drink in those waters.
If you open your eyes, night opens doors of musk,
The secret kingdom of the water opens
Flowing from the center of the night.
And if you close your eyes,
A river, a silent and beautiful current, fills you from within,
Flows forward, darkens you:
Night brings its wetness to beaches in your soul.
Night with eyes of water in the field asleep
Is in your eyes, a horse that trembles is in
Your eyes of secret water.
Eyes of shadow-water,
Eyes of well-water,
Eyes of dream-water.
Silence and solitude,
Two little animals moon-led,
Drink in your eyes,
Drink in those waters.
If you open your eyes, night opens doors of musk,
The secret kingdom of the water opens
Flowing from the center of the night.
And if you close your eyes,
A river, a silent and beautiful current, fills you from within,
Flows forward, darkens you:
Night brings its wetness to beaches in your soul.
Original poem by Octavio Paz
AGUA NOCTURNA
La noche de ojos de caballo que tiemblan en la noche,
la noche de ojos de agua en el campo dormido,
está en tus ojos de caballo que tiembla,
está en tus ojos de agua secreta.
Ojos de agua de sombra,
ojos de agua de pozo,
ojos de agua de sueño.
El silencio y la soledad,
como dos pequeños animales a quienes guía la luna,
beben en esos ojos,
beben en esas aguas.
Si abres los ojos,
se abre la noche de puertas de musgo,
se abre el reino secreto del agua
que mana del centro de la noche.
Y si los cierras,
un río, una corriente dulce y silenciosa,
te inunda por dentro, avanza, te hace oscura:
la noche moja riberas en tu alma.
la noche de ojos de agua en el campo dormido,
está en tus ojos de caballo que tiembla,
está en tus ojos de agua secreta.
Ojos de agua de sombra,
ojos de agua de pozo,
ojos de agua de sueño.
El silencio y la soledad,
como dos pequeños animales a quienes guía la luna,
beben en esos ojos,
beben en esas aguas.
Si abres los ojos,
se abre la noche de puertas de musgo,
se abre el reino secreto del agua
que mana del centro de la noche.
Y si los cierras,
un río, una corriente dulce y silenciosa,
te inunda por dentro, avanza, te hace oscura:
la noche moja riberas en tu alma.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
The List
Buy a real bed (complete with a headboard...and a real mattress, and grown up bedding, and real bedroom furniture....put elements of design to work and make a "big girl" bedroom...with curtains...and stuff on the walls... :) (September 2011)
At least 3 weeks in Italy (September 2016)
Tigers Game (August 2011)
Audition and be in another show or play a character in a public performance (September 2012)
At least three weeks service work in Africa (August 2014)
Lions Playoff Game (January 2012)
2 Big Venue Concerts (September 2012)
Begin a portfolio complete with work from the last five years (August 2011)
Minimize all the basement crap into 3 tubs...yikes! (September 2011)
Finally pick a school and begin a certification program, including a schedule for all necessary classes, and an expected completion date...make a plan! (September 2011)
Hire a cleaning lady (October 2011)
Go camping for more than one night! (August 2011)
Pick shows for the next two years, sketch a basic set design and concept for each. (September 2011)
Organize spaces at school (storage, costumes, props, paint corner, backstage, stage manager area, gels/gobos, both light/sound booths, put in work order for storage of cords, mics, lights, etc., open and put away all new lighting and sound equipment) (June 2011)
Memorize and workshop 3 contrasting monologues (September 2011)
Write dad a final letter, offering forgiveness, for everything...one last correspondence with him to get directions for the hike to the lily pond where grandpa's buried. Rent a motorcycle, ride out to Colorado, and make that hike. (August 2012)
Pay off all debts excluding student loans (September 2012)
Braces! (January 2012)
Plan a real vacation, out of state, in advance, with no possibility of cancellation (June 2013)
Start the Adventure Club (October 2011)
Run in a 5K (June 2012)
Learn basic Italian (August 2013)
Take drum lessons (May 2012)
Red Wings Game (April 2012)
Read three novels (October 2011)
Learn to cook one signature dish and totally rock at it (December 2011)
Donate the Jeep :( (October 2011)
At least 3 weeks in Italy (September 2016)
Tigers Game (August 2011)
Audition and be in another show or play a character in a public performance (September 2012)
At least three weeks service work in Africa (August 2014)
Lions Playoff Game (January 2012)
2 Big Venue Concerts (September 2012)
Begin a portfolio complete with work from the last five years (August 2011)
Minimize all the basement crap into 3 tubs...yikes! (September 2011)
Finally pick a school and begin a certification program, including a schedule for all necessary classes, and an expected completion date...make a plan! (September 2011)
Hire a cleaning lady (October 2011)
Go camping for more than one night! (August 2011)
Pick shows for the next two years, sketch a basic set design and concept for each. (September 2011)
Organize spaces at school (storage, costumes, props, paint corner, backstage, stage manager area, gels/gobos, both light/sound booths, put in work order for storage of cords, mics, lights, etc., open and put away all new lighting and sound equipment) (June 2011)
Memorize and workshop 3 contrasting monologues (September 2011)
Write dad a final letter, offering forgiveness, for everything...one last correspondence with him to get directions for the hike to the lily pond where grandpa's buried. Rent a motorcycle, ride out to Colorado, and make that hike. (August 2012)
Pay off all debts excluding student loans (September 2012)
Braces! (January 2012)
Plan a real vacation, out of state, in advance, with no possibility of cancellation (June 2013)
Start the Adventure Club (October 2011)
Run in a 5K (June 2012)
Learn basic Italian (August 2013)
Take drum lessons (May 2012)
Red Wings Game (April 2012)
Read three novels (October 2011)
Learn to cook one signature dish and totally rock at it (December 2011)
Donate the Jeep :( (October 2011)
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