To Be or Not To Be...

I have been struggling with my character in the play I am currently in. Instead of diving in to find her, I have spent a majority of time trying to figure out why I can’t. I don’t know how to find her. I have forgotten what it feels like to be in a relationship. I have forgotten what it looks like. I wasn’t very good at being in one in the first place. I don’t know. I would act extremely immature because I didn’t know how to be, what my role was. I have been wrestling with many ideas as to why I can’t do this: maybe I’m not meant to do this, maybe I’m only a character actress, maybe I have been fooling myself these past couple of years and the veil has finally been lifted, maybe it’s because I disagree with how and who the character is from a directing standpoint, maybe I’m not getting very much from the actor who is playing opposite me, maybe…well, let’s just say I’ve been driving myself crazy. I have never really worked a lot on a character outside of rehearsal. I don’t really know how to find her on my own. I’ve worked on accents or memorization, and that’s about it. Everything else seems to come through the rehearsal process. The only thing I feel that has come through this rehearsal process is mounting frustration. I think the relationship thing might stem from living with a mother who gave up relationships before my memory will allow me to see her in one. I know how to be strong and survive when things look like they can’t get any worse. I know how to cry alone in the bathroom when I just can’t take any more. I know how to give up everything I have so someone else can have something. Those are all good things to know. Somehow I have also learned how to lose myself when someone comes along and pretends to care. Somehow I have learned how to allow someone to say and do the cruelest things and cling to them even harder. Somehow, I have learned that continually compromising myself is what love is all about. So, like my mom, I just stopped. I think I am jealous of Steffy Blondell, my character in the show. She knows how to be in a relationship, and a difficult one at that. Yeah, she’s been dating a man for two years who is afraid of commitment, but she still goes to work every day and takes excellent care of her family. She has not lost who and how she is. She is not afraid to finally confront this man and ask for exactly what she wants, knowing she could lose everything. She knows if she stays she could lose even more, she could lose herself. I don’t know how to be like that. I wish I could. Being jealous of her is blocking my ability to be her…when we are jealous of someone we start to hate them a little. I have had no problem playing characters I do not like, in fact, sometimes I prefer it. Maybe that’s the problem, maybe I like Steffy Blondell. Maybe I like her so much I wish I could be more like her. She must live inside of me somewhere. I walked away from a relationship that was killing me. I thought he could change. I knew that he wouldn’t. Steffy is in a relationship she likes. I’ve never been in a relationship I liked. I can’t find her! There are many other things blocking me from just allowing her to be. I compare myself to other actors and find myself frustrated because I feel like I do not have the natural talent or emotional depth that they have. I’m not sure if I can turn it on and off the way they do. I feel if I go into the emotional roller coaster that might be necessary for this character, that I might not be able to finish the ride because I will be exhausted, and have nothing left when it’s time to deliver the final product, or maybe I won’t be able to make it back. I would love to talk to the other actors about some of these thoughts and feelings, but I’m afraid they won’t understand, or they’ll second-guess my ability, or they’ll judge me. Isn’t that silly? I think I am afraid that the people who see this show are going to know how overrated I am, and it’s killing me. Hey, at least the pressure will be off, right? I like the pressure. I hope I look back on this journey and realize how necessary it was for me to be in this agony in order to take it to the next level. It’s been said, “It’s through overcoming obstacles that we grow.” Even if it is just for me to realize that I am not cut out for this, and I need to move on, and just do it for fun every once in a while. I hope not.

I'm Not That Girl

I'm not the kind of girl a guy writes a poem about or a song I'm not the kind of face that inspires a person to draw or paint They do not ask me what I think or how I feel because they know I'll tell them They write me off as immature aloof naive and scan the room for someone more broken more fragile They never hear my story They look at my joy write a summary in their minds and leave out all the good parts The parts that have been broken mended back together made new The proof is in the stitching God knows I do not need it and not having it reminds me to listen to others write poems about people not leave anybody out God knows I do not need it but it would be nice just once.

tid bits @ two a.m.

I am not a big advocate of the midnight snack…it’s actually not very healthy to eat so late at night…but I’m not directly opposed to it either. (Written as I’m eating tortilla chips and cheese dip at 1am) If you are tired or hungry, or both, that is not usually the best time to self-evaluate… but that seems to be the time I want to do it the most. I’m okay when it comes to giving advice on relationships; I’m just not good at being in one. Giving my TV away was a tough call, but it has proven to be one of the best decisions I have made…maybe I’ll take that into consideration the next time a decision seems so painful. Feeling guilty about having blessings is comparable to purposefully making yourself sick, or chopping your arm off when there’s nothing wrong with it. Truth can come from the most inconspicuous places…and usually does. God does not yell, so to hear Him, sometimes I have to turn down the radio…or stop singing at the top of my lungs…and not just when a crappy song is on. Abe Lincoln once said “Never put off till tomorrow what can be done today”. I usually put off till tomorrow what should have been done yesterday. Looking at what Abe was able to accomplish in his life and where I’m at, I think I’ll start going with his idea. Usually when I speak on impulse and say what’s on my mind without much thought, later I find myself wishing I had kept my mouth shut. When I am apprehensive and keep my mouth shut, later I find myself wishing I had spoken up.

the girl who never wins anything...

is the big winner this week! seriously... ~decided to randomly go to a poetry slam at a bar on tuesday to get over my stupid stage fright and get through an entire poem without freezing up and running out the door....did it! then, i won the slam! word. ~went to the tony awards on friday night and won best supporting actress for the rabbi/bronx woman in "angels in america" and had a BLAST...sweet. ~had some french fries at burger king yesterday while helping molly move into her new apartment...won a free double stacker...it has bacon on it! bacon! ~won the election for president of the theatre honor society, Alpha Psi Omega, for next year...again. ~had a final performance for our musical theatre class that consisted of a number that i choreographed...Footloose!...received some excellent, excellent feedback, and was asked by one of the directors to be the choreographer for her mainstage show next february! yay for opportunity! ~sat down with an advisor and worked out a PLAN for graduating next may! yes...i worked out a plan...and i actually have to follow this stinker if i want to get done...and i WANT to get DONE. ~found out that Ric is directing "annie" in december...miss hannigan has always been my dream role, since i was a kid...every other girl wanted to be annie...i wanted to be miss hannigan...i am going to have to work extremely hard to get this part!

~gave my utility cart chuck-full of things like my television, dvd player, vcr, and all my movies to my brother for his apartment...yes, that means i win...because now i won't waste my time mindlessly watching a lot of crappy advertisements...i will miss watching Charlie Rose, though, maybe i'll just call him so we can chat ;)

~went to a meeting for "moving saginaw forward" and came out motivated and ready for action...start small and DREAM BIG!

i couldn't pay my rent on time, i got a shut-off notice for my gas, my car is running like crap, my phone is out of minutes and my refrigerator is not exactly full and i am t-i-r-e-d...you know what? that's small potatoes, cuz this has been a great week!

I am

I recently ran across this poem that I had written two years ago for my poetry class....

I am

Not always smiling

But it doesn’t mean

That I’m not happy

I am

Not always laughing

But it doesn’t mean

I don’t think you’re funny

I am

Not always organized

But it doesn’t mean

That I’m not prepared

I am

Not always listening

But when it’s important

I will hear

I am

Not always smart

But I will learn

If it matters

I am

Not always sane

But I find it usually

Works in my favor

I am

Not always graceful

But it’s only because

I don’t have time to practice

I am

Not always brave

But love is stronger than fear

When it is necessary

I am

Not always strong

But God’s power is made perfect

In my weakness