Just keeps getting....better...and better...and better....

September 15, 2009

11:36pm

I find myself in my bed...staring at nothing...wide awake. I was at the school for 15 hours today. I left, exhausted, leaving everything exactly where it was, knowing I would be coming in early in the morning to organize it all for the day, and then most definitely stay after school to attempt to catch up a bit. I can’t tell if I’m overstimulated right now, energized and inspired, or if I’ve completely lost my mind laying here in the dark singing Billy Joel songs, almost at the top of my lungs, and then laughing...out loud....maybe it’s a little bit of all three of those things.

I go through, in my mind, the little things that I always seem to forget about during the day that need to be done to keep me moving forward. I, then, make a list on a blank sheet of paper near my bed...and then add it to the pile of lists in my bag, waiting for my attention...because I never actually get to anything on the lists. Seems Miss Cartwright always wants to bite off more than she can chew, and then lays in the dark, in the middle of the night, wide awake, singing Billy Joel songs because, frankly, she doesn’t really know what else to do.

Apparently, she has also begun referring to herself in the third person.

You know what? I’m gonna do this...I’m gonna get through all of this...and I’m going to do it well....well, at least as well as I can, and hopefully better than I did before. That’s all you can do, right? Do the best you can, work hard, and try to improve. It’s going to take a lot of extra work, and a ton of extra discipline, but I’m willing to make the sacrifice if it means that the Theatre reputation at SASA keeps going up, and the students continue to grow and learn about not just theatre, but life in general. I love these kids. I really do. I want to do right by them, and give them the best education possible for me to be able to give them. I don’t want to even think that they would be short-changed simply because I decided to spend my time and energy on something else. My task is here and now. Every day is different. Every day I am met with new obstacles, new personalities, new drama, new standards, new circumstances, and new time constraints...that’s on top of all the old stuff that already existed. It’s crazy if I think about all of it at once...so I don’t. One step at a time. One class at a time. One day at a time. One lesson at a time....and sometimes, one conversation at a time. Sometimes the conversation I have with a student before the bell even rings, and they come in early because they just want to talk, is the most important thing I might do that day...so I better be willing to set down what I’m working on and listen...really listen. I can’t do it all the time or I would never get anything done. It’s so important to be able to gauge those situations as they come. It’s hard to do when half of your students are new. I’m just getting a feel for their personalities and preferences. I can feel that the class is still working on finding that common ground and understanding where they fit in the scheme of things. It’s an interesting dynamic to watch, really.

I can feel myself getting tired. I would like to think I can get some sort of rest considering my alarm will ring in roughly 5 hours. As long as I get at least 4 hours of sleep during the night, I’m usually pretty good. I have a couple of students coming in to work on audition stuff for Pit & Balcony after school, but then I can come home and crash for a couple of hours before heading back up to the school to work on play stuff for our fall show. Starting next week I won’t be able to do that anymore because we will begin rehearsals or set building every day after school through November. Yikes! Then I have auditions for the next show in December, and the Middle School play will be happening around the same time. We are planning on having a grand opening performance for the new auditorium and a performance for the musical theatre class, as well. Basically this is my last week to have any kind of free time after school. I should have scheduled doctor and dentist appointments this week, but I ran out of time. Now I have no idea when I’ll be able to get into the dentist or doctor because there is no time available on the weekdays. I have to find time...I need to take full advantage of having benefits for the first time in years...and years...and years. I’ll do it. I’ll figure it out and everything will work out. I said that 29 was about moving forward, and 30 is going to be about balance. I will find balance. Man, it just keeps getting better...my life.

I am blessed.

Pity Party for One Plea- um...Nevermind :)

September 7, 2009 4am

I have been sitting here wide awake for the past hour. I should have grabbed my computer and started writing as soon as I knew I was wide awake, but I felt like I was too tired to actually do anything but lie here in submission as my mind wandered. I did have the chance, however, to allow my thoughts to revolve around enough in my head to come up with tangible solutions and conclusions.

I found myself thinking about the theatre department at SVSU. I went around and around with different things in my head concerning the department, and then I realized I couldn’t control any of the things that I was allowing to rule my thoughts. Also, a lot of those things do not even affect me anymore, so why do I care? Why do we spend so much time thinking and wondering, or perhaps even worrying, about things we cannot even control? I wonder if it’s easier to think about those things because it is not in our scope of responsibility to act on those thoughts, due to the fact that we cannot control it. If I had been thinking about something I could control, or should, such as my own theatre classroom and/or plays, then I would be compelled to actively do something about it.

I had gone around and around in my head, and then I just stopped. I wanted to know why it all was so important to me. Why was I concerning myself with things that no longer concerned me? I realize now it began before I graduated. I think “Sideman” auditions put it all into perspective, but in a way that caused me to become almost desperate to perform again. Then ACTF was such an exhausting week, but rewarding and well worth the ride. I took my class to watch “Gooney Bird” and found myself appalled at my own colleagues and friends. Then “Camelot” came, eh, and soon I found myself sitting in the audience more times than I was standing on the stage, and it began to eat away at me a bit. I decided to audition again, and I knew “Gin Game” would be the perfect show to sink my teeth into and challenge me in all the right ways. I had read the show a couple times last year and loved it. However, things really didn’t go my way with that one, and I found myself completely disappointed in the system, and in my own priorities. Then another great role came along with “Bug”, but I found myself disappointed again, and a little surprised that I didn’t even get a nod for the supporting role. Suddenly I became almost desperate to find a way to perform again. I didn’t feel like a whole person. Something big was missing, and it became more than just about performing. The door was being continually shut in my face, and the more it happened, the more desperate I became. I believe it became the most apparent, to me, during the “Great Books” audition. Suddenly it wasn’t about performing at all, but more about being chosen. It affected my audition, it affected my teaching, and it affected the way I felt about myself. Nothing should have that much control over a person. So maybe it was all a blessing in disguise. The hardest part was when people would come up to me so often, privately, and tell me that they thought I should’ve had each of those parts. It happened with every single one of those shows. It made me feel good to hear people say that, but it also began to hurt a little, too. If so many people thought I should be chosen, then why wasn’t I chosen? Were they just saying it to be nice? Was I being narcissistic in thinking I should be chosen? Are the director’s playing favorites? Was the person who was chosen just better? Was me not getting the part actually saving me from making a poor choice given my circumstances at the time? Am I just making excuses to make myself feel better?

I got over it, all of it, and chalked it up to another one of life’s lessons. It all happened for a reason, and I am a better person because of it. I hope. I find myself going that direction in my mind again this morning, though. I imagine people probably think it’s time for me to let go, especially since I have graduated. I completely agree. However, I am committed to being in this area for another year, at least, and SVSU is the only place around here that has shows in the summer. If I like to perform, why shouldn’t I audition for shows? I understand it’s educational theatre and the people who are active theatre majors should get priority, but I am an active theatre education major. Why is that different? I understand it is different. I feel different. With all that happened in the past six months, I realize I do not desire to be part of it anymore. I found myself, lately, desiring for somebody to choose me for their partner for ACTF this year. Last year was such a big year for me, especially at ACTF, why would I need to keep going? I wonder if it’s becoming more about being chosen again. The more I realize people aren’t even considering me as an option the more desperate I have become. Man, that is just sad. It’s cool...I know it’s sad, I can say it. Maybe now I understand a little bit why an athlete doesn’t retire at the height of their glory, but rather stays a little too long, in some people’s view, because they love the game. Why should they retire? They. love. the. game. Let them play...who cares.

You would think getting the door slammed in my face this many times in a row would deter me from performing, especially since I have so much going on with teaching and directing and everything else. I wish. I think it would be easier if it had...but here I am awake in the middle of the night the day before school is slated to begin, and I’m not even thinking about school. I realize that I have been cast off by my own department, and I understand it, to a point. I am not going to continue to try that avenue if I know the door has been closed. It would be silly to keep fighting for something I’m not so sure I want anyway. It’s time to branch out and see what I’m really made of, what I can really do without the safety net of the department. I know that means it might be a little bit before I get to perform again, but that just means I use this time in between to prepare for the challenge. I refuse to go out there unprepared. I’m glad it’s in my hands now to figure out what I need and to go out and get it. I guess it has always been in my hands, but I was so busy trying to be chosen for the things that were happening now, that I kind of forgot to prepare for the things that I wanted to happen later.

Well, after this crazy roller coaster ride through my thought process, it looks like I have twenty four hours to come up with a syllabus, classroom rules and expectations, audition schedule, and lesson plans for the week. Time has run out...it’s time to get some coffee and get to work :)