Brief Summary

Great things that have happened: I finally bought "Fight Club" I brought my grade point average up from a 1.9 to a 3.1 in less than a year I have been terrified, but trusted God, and, as always, He saw me through. What a faithful Father I have.. I survived I added Theatre as one of my majors I have forgiven and been forgiven, two of the best feelings ever My brother is home I have found work that is fulfilling and might actually pay the bills...maybe I met someone and had one of those great, substance-rich conversations that last until 4 in the morning, with no pressure to be anything but friends...awesome I've recognized how great true friendships are, and realized just how many I have....too many for someone so undeserving I've truly found the Christmas Spirit, and for once it has nothing to do with shopping or presents I made myself vulnerable in front of a room full of theatre students...and lived to tell about it I cried and laughed many times all in the same day..rock on I sang on stage I sent out a few Christmas cards..I usually never get around to it My apartment is pretty clean, and has been for a while I finally finished "Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, I've been half-done with it for over a year. I have about five books at home that I started reading and never finished, tonight it's the script "Summer and Smoke" by Tennesse Williams, and tomorrow, perhaps I'll finish "The Kennedy Men". I was not afraid to be honest with myself and about myself..what did I have to lose, really? I have met an amazing mentor, and have learned a ton about God and myself. I realized that I talk about God and Jesus more than I talk about anything else...it's about time I took more risks this semester, and put myself out there more than ever before....I can't wait to do it again. Not so great things that have happened: Ha! Do you really think after all that God has done for me that I would have anything to put in this column? No way! ALL things have or will work out for His glory...who am I to say that something is not great? Who am I to demean the work of God simply because I may not understand it at the time? Who am I to dismiss His work as struggle and strife and not recognize how priveliged I am to suffer a bit if only He can be honored by it? Who am I?

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Does anybody else think this journal has become completely B O R I N G? Some serious revamping is in order......soon, very soon.....finals first.....or maybe it can prove to be a great stalling technique and tool to encourage my procrastination.....or else it's time to grow up and get my priorities straight.....yeah....finals first. i gotta learn how to do links, pictures and all that jazz......... CAUTION: This blog is under major re-construction.......please accept my apologies for any inconvenience this may cause, or an even bigger apology for the inconvenience it caused to have such an incredibly uninsightful, uneventful, unfulfilling blog. Be back after Finals! *PEACE*

Omni-Present

Man.......God is everywhere. I was just going to hang out with some friends last night, go bowling or whatever, when Josh called me at, like, seven o'clock and invited me to the Steven Curtis Chapman concert at 7:30! Of course I said yes and flew out the door! The concert was great. I'm not a big person on "celebrities". It bothers me that people would be in awe of someone just because they're famous, you know? I am more in awe of people who are not famous, and live their lives according to God's word on a daily basis, no fanfare, no fame, just a humble heart. What I appreciated the most about the concert was the praise and worship. I realized yesterday that I have not been to church, because of work and the play, in almost TWO months! That's crazy! I loved looking out across the crowd, and recognizing that we were all singing praise to the same God. To me, that was awe-inspiring. I ran into a ton of people I knew, and truly had a great time. I hope my friends that I had plans with can understand why I totally bailed on them, not for the sake of the concert, but more for the sake of my soul. It did my soul good to be there last night. Chris Tomlin and Casting Crowns did an excellent job as well. It was a good night, and I felt lucky to be a part of it. I've been working a bit more now, which has been good. One of the full-time poeple left Holy Cross, so it looks like I'll be getting some major hours in. The restaurant will be busy for the holiday season, too. Unfortunately, it is finals time and I have a few different projects due, and some monologues to perform. I have not started any of it, but I'm confident I'll get it done. I'm doing quite well this semester, too well to start slackin' now, anyway. This has been the craziest semester ever, but it has been tons of fun!! What a ride...... I think I am going to try to be a little better about keeping up with this journal. I feel like there is so much I could have written about this semester, but it just was never a huge priority. We'll see if I can be a little better about it next semester. Ha! I have to go......I have, like, four loads of laundry to do at the laundromat and then I go to the Restaurant tonight till closing time. Then, I go back to the restaurant tomorrow morning and then back to Holy Cross for the evening shift. Yikes! So much for homework time. I have a feeling there is not going to be much time for sleep in the next couple of weeks.....it's a good thing school is almost done! PEACE!

Family Life

My brother is back home for a while. He was down south for a few years, but he just came back home last week. It's good to have him back. I know my mom is happy to see him safe and healthy, things parents worry about all the time with their kids. Hopefully, he sticks around for a while. My little sister is coming home from Grand Valley for Christmas Break soon. It will be nice to hang out and catch up with her when I can. I will be working quite a bit, but I'm sure we'll get some time to hang out. She will be at home with my mom and brother, so hopefully they will all get a chance to spend some time together, too. I'm sure she's looking forward to sleeping A LOT! My sister really likes to sleep in. It will be nice to have us all together on Christmas Day! I don't have a lot in the way of presents, and it really bothers me, but I know that they don't either. It will just be nice to be lazy, eat, watch T.V., and hang out. I'm really looking forward to that. It's too bad my older sister and her family couldn't come up from Iowa this year. I haven't met my niece or my nephew yet. I only met one of her boys, and that was, like, three years ago. Yikes. Hopefully, my nephew and niece that live here in Bay City can hang out with us near Christmas time. I went over there for his birthday in November. He is four years old now, I can't believe it! I love that kid. Hopefully, I can start hanging out with him a little more often. My uncle is going out of state to see a specialist. It looks like his cancer has gotten pretty bad recently. I haven't been over to see him yet and I don't know why. I think they are leaving in the next couple of days. I pray that everything works out with him. I know it would be very hard on their family if something happened to him, especially my aunt. My mom started her new job. I know it's better than the old one, and I'm glad she's working in Lapeer. I hope she can move there and finally get out of Cass City. Cass City isn't bad, it's just not the greatest place for her to live. There is so much more available in the bigger towns. I hope that she can continue to look for work in other fields. I'm tired of seeing my mom work in the factory. I would love to see her get a nice sit-down job in a better environment. I'm sure something will open up soon, God willing. I tell you what, my mom is the most fantastic person I have ever known. She is a survivor, and continues to wake up every day and do what needs to be done. She raised four kids on her own, with only a few dollars in her pocket, and sometimes not even that. How she did it, I will never know. I know God is looking out for her, but I truly wish that she would open up her heart to Him. I know that God can supply the peace that she has never known. I hope and I pray that one day I will walk with my mom in Heaven. If God accomplishes nothing else in this life of mine, I hope that's it. I hope my mom will be in Heaven.

Long Overdue......

I haven't written in forever!! My mind, in the mean time has come up with numerous journal entries that proceeded to go unwritten. Time just seems to go by. I sit at the computer, even today, and I think about writing, but my brain protests because it doesn't seem to want to delve that deep. (Is delve a word?) Anyway, lots has happened, but I will rehash and summarize to the best of my ability...in another blog at another time. To think...the word blog probably didn't even exist ten years ago...wierd. I just got out of my bible study. It's so nice to be part of one instead of leading one. I had never been part of one prior to this, and now I can't believe I never have because it feeds me every week, no matter what. Whether it's something someone does for me through the message, or simple interaction, or something I do for someone else. It pretty much rocks. My rent is due on Sunday. I don't care to go into that any further, but for anyone reading this, which, I actually don't think there is anyone that actually reads this, and if there is, it's been so long since I've written they've probably stopped checking, but if there is anyone, please pray for that....my rent that is. Greatly appreciated. God will provide....I'm not worried, but I feel like I should be, you know? Worried, that is.......but I'm just not. I start a new job tomorrow, or, rather, I start training for a new job tomorrow. It's at Holy Cross Children's Services. I am extremely anxious to get started. I will be training with the Residential boys group tomorrow. These boys possibly have some severe issues, but this is where I have felt my heart has been for a long time, with at-risk youth. I love that term "at-risk", aren't we all at risk at any given moment? Ha. I will now get to see if that is where God wants me to be. God is so good to me. I have to work on Thanksgiving.....that is not a complaint, for reasons previously stated in the third paragraph of this blog. I think I'm going to ask my family (a.k.a. my mom and my sister) to come on friday, we'll celebrate Thanksgiving then. Hopefully that works out. I need to clean my apartment. The only problem, and I mean the ONLY problem with living alone is there's no one else to blame the mess on or split the chores with. Man, I wonder how much they would charge me to have a lady come in and clean a studio apartment? Ah, I could probably scrub the whole place down within a couple of hours at most, but who wants to do that? Oh well, I'm sure it'll get done within the next couple of days, cuz I'm getting tired of looking at it. I can't tell myself to do it though, I don't know why. It's like I think I'm telling myself what to do, and, for those of you who know me, you know how much I love it when someone is trying to be "the boss of me" :) You know, I could go on and on and on and on. Like I said before, a lot has happened. The play is over, a new job, quit the old one, school is coming to a close for the semester, I have met a ton of new people and made some great friends, I finally got to visit my nephew (a.k.a. my best friend), I am still learning new things about God on a daily basis, which inadvertantly (sp?) causes me to learn new things about myself, okay......I'll stop here, or I will go on and on and on.........another day. Just wanted to jump back on the wagon and start writing again..........PEACE.

Self-Titled

I was just about to snuggle under the covers very early this morning, knowing if I feel asleep at that exact moment I could at least get 5 hours of sleep....yikes. Anyway, I realized as I sank deep into my pillows that I had to have a speech, any speech or poem for my voice and articulation TODAY. whoopsies! So, I threw the covers off and got out a pen and paper. I knew it could be two minutes in length, so I just started writing. It took me ten minutes, but then it got my mind swimming, and I couldn't sleep, go figure. Self Titled ------------ I am me. My names do not define me; I define my names. I make mistakes I live, I laugh, I learn. As a young child I was free to be me, and just assumed everyone would go along with it. I learned quickly as I became awekward and ordinary. Someone should have told me that mediocrity would have been easier for others to swallow then always trying to find more ways to be extraordinary. Many nights of tear-stained sleeplessness. Never quite understanding that happy clowns have bad days, too. I gained my wings; cut free from my roots. Only to learn that without roots one cannot grow. Alone with myself, I begin to open doors and sweep floors in a heart aged beyond its years; ragged and worn like the hands of an old man who worked in the field all of his days. A veil is lifted and new hope is able to breathe, as the Gardener picks up the tiny rosebud He notices lying on the ground, in the midst of His glorious garden. "Your time will come", He says, "With you, I am not done." So, here I sit, a canvas half-painted, a rosebud unfolding, with roots and wings. I am not done.

Anything you can do..........

I seem to think I can do to! I couldn't sleep last night....so I decided to watch a movie. I decided to finally watch "8 Mile". I've been meaning to and never got around to it. Have you ever noticed when you watch movies that revolve around one thing like singing or dancing, all of a sudden you think you can do it? I was watching this movie and just started writing. I know, I'm a complete dork, but I totally ended up writing out a rap. I really am a dork, but I don't care. I was having so much fun all by myself. How many people can truly say that? I always have fun when it's just me and the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE hanging out with my friends and my family, but there's something about being all by yourself that's real and true. Not to say you're not real when you're around other people. You're just more aware of what brings you joy and makes you sad when you are all alone. Anyway, back to this silly rap. I wrote it, so I'm gonna write it in this journal. Maybe some day I'll start to type out some of the other stuff I have written. Maybe not. I'll be rappin, and I'll continue to sing, till you tell me and you reveal yourself to me cuz i just stand here preachin' to my own self Lord, that ain't helpin' anybody out cuz I - just sit - and i cry and i don't know what to do just livin' till i die that's not what you want is it? you want me to get off my butt and dig it you're listnin' to me cry with a sigh the spirit tells you why that i cry at night and i sleep and i don't sleep then i sleep again and i wake up screamin' the world catches up with me as i sleep at night i wake up with terror i wake up with fright He brings me peace and after all that what do i do Lord, i turn my back and i practically spit on you cuz i don't know what's right and what's wrong and what's wrong and what's right but then you speak to me in the middle of the night Lord, you got me here on this earth and i'm not really sure why i'm diggin' in the dirt it's your will i desire in my heart light a fire come in-to my soul let your - spirit flow clear my mind make me white as snow i'm blameless in front of you i can now stand shameless i'm rhymin' and i'm white i'm a girl yeah that's right but it don't matta' young or old, wise or unwise spirit comes and takes hold that's somethin' you can't despise look into my eyes it's God you will recognize for He's shootin' down all of satan's lies The truth doesn't always have to rhyme but it will be revealed to you it's just a matter of time God is in it and man He can spin it better than any of us could ever do He'd be down here and J.C. would show us what to do it's one day at a time i'm livin keep sinnin' asken to be forgiven i'm tired of livin' life that way wanna walk in the light every single day every hour every minute so everyone can see that God is livin' in it my heart that is comin' to save the world - it's not my job the Lord's got it covered i'm just a lazy slob He's gonna get the job done so i ask you one time do you know about God's son? if not i tell you who He be He's Freedom Love, Peace, Joy and Harmony you're here for a reason a season to make a difference in someone else's life not to keep complainin' of your own strife don't underestimate what God is gonna do He made you on purpose don't be nervous He's got a plan for you He's got your best interest in mind He wanted me to tell you and that's the reason for this silly rhyme.

He loves me...He loves me....He loves me...

If I had a flower, and I picked each petal one by one to see if God loved me or not...it would always land on "He loves me", no matter what. That's pretty amazing. I'm not feeling very good today, physically I mean. It could be the free coffee and doughnut I got at the Car Repair Shop this morning from the guys from Wheels 104.5. They were pretty cool to talk to at least. Gave me something to do to pass the time while they re-fixed my car. I thought I only had a problem with that with my haircuts, but at least it didn't cost me anything and my car's not squealing anymore. I can't type very long....I kind of have the waves...you know which ones I'm talking about? The ones that mean I might have to make a beeline for the bathroom in like 30 seconds....I'd rather do that kind of business in the privacy of my own apartment with a good magazine. I love pooping in my apartment! The door is wide open, and I can take as long as I want....nobody's there to interrupt my business. I can take a hot bath afterwards, and then I get a nap in before rehearsal starts. That's as close to heaven as I'm gonna get here on earth, I think. Small wonders throughout the day. That's how God chooses to bless me, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I needed gas in my Jeep, to get me to rehearsal tonight, and then work tomorrow night, but I didn't have one dollar in my wallet..(or my bank account.) That is really sad. Anyway, I realized I had a jar with change in it..and I know my bank has one of those machines that count it for you......So I grabbed my jar full of pennies mostly, hoping to get at least five dollars to get me around. With a prayer on my lips I dumped the jar of coins in the tray, and watched, to my amazement, as the numbers kept climbing until it reached thirty-four dollars!! I couldn't believe it...I honestly got tears in my eyes. I know, I get tears in my eyes all the time, but I'm glad I do! I'm not ashamed I'm a softie!! :) My Jeep is fixed and has enough gas in it to get me to work this weekend...I also was able to buy a few groceries! Plus, I get to go to rehearsal tonight for five hours! To some, that may seem like forever, but to me, it's five hours of doing something I love to do!! I'm going to go home right now and take a crap and a nap. Small wonders.....God is good to His lousy servant. Oh, I try..sometimes. I just can't seem to get it right, though. It's a good thing God grades on a really big curve, so big in fact, it curves right around to Jesus on the cross and back into my heart....where it starts all over again with an A+. To God be the Glory!

So much to do to.......

So little time!! Don't get me wrong...I love everything I'm doing (well, except work, but I love what I get because I work, and that's money to pay the bills!) A lot has happened since I wrote last. Have you ever thought of doing something so much that you actually thought you did it? That's what happened with this journal. I could've swore that I have written in it a few times in the last couple weeks, but I haven't!! That's so crazy. Anyway, I got a job at McDonald's....that's crazy. I have a whole new respect for people that work in the fast food business. People that come up to the counter, more often than not, assume that you must be an idiot because you work in fast food. I am also training right now...so i am giving them good reason to assume i'm an idiot! oh well, i just smile at them and spit on their burger...KIDDING! You get all kinds of walks of life going through the restaurant daily. It is a different breed of person than at any restaurant I have ever worked at.....'cuz you get some of the lower class families, which makes me sad sometimes, and tons of senior citizens (who you know have a mattress full of cash at home, but are the first to holler if you don't give them the senior price for coffee :) The McDonald's I work at is right off of I-75, so we get a lot of travelers and constructions workers, an occasional bus or two, college students and hunters. This job should prove to be highly resourceful for my stand-up routine. Unfortunately, I do get a free meal every time I work, and I work there almost every day!! I say unfortunately, because I have managed to gain five pounds in one week! I figure I'll start worrying about it when my clothes don't fit and I go into congestive heart failure....just kidding, i'm getting back in the gym tomorrow;) My birthday is tomorrow!! I can't believe it...I keep forgetting. It should be a good day:( I have class from 8-3 and I work at McD's from 4 to midnight....BLAH!! I am trying to get Saturday Night off at Fritz' (that's the restaurant I work at) so I can go out with a bunch of friends. I am getting the Saginaw gang together, hopefully, cuz it's Brian's birthday, too....and i think i'm going to try and get the theatre group to meet us wherever we go...plus, it's the SVSU vs. GVSU football game that day, so, HOPEFULLY, i can get some of the monkeys from GR to come out with us...that would be perfect!!!! I don't know, though, they always go to Dude's in Pinconning, so we'll see. It will be a good time regardless!! I love hanging out with my friends, and I don't get a chance to much anymore! I'M GOING TO BE 25!!!! YIKES! I got a part in a play!! I decided, like, two o'clock that morning to audition and i got a part!! I am having a lot of fun with it so far...it's a pretty rockin' cast! It doesn't leave me with a lot of extra time, but i am glad that i'm involved. It should be a good show, kinda disturbing, but good. The show is going to be Nov. 12th weekend, and the one after that! That's really soon, but we already have the first act blocked!! Unfortunately, that does mean that i will have to miss the big GV game in Ann Arbor....ALL of my friends are going to that!! BUMMER. I am trying to work really hard right now, because the whole week of dress rehearsal, i will not be able to work at all....yikes. Classes are still rockin'. I'm trying to keep up, but it's proving to be harder and harder as time goes by. I wish i could put a ton more time into them, but I am gaining some knowledge of stage design, music, speech and characterization. I would LOVE to go back and be Annie Oakley again, with all this new stuff I have learned....that would be so much fun!! I have found myself getting into a lot of political discussions with very random people recently.....but it has been very beneficial. I love hearing what others think about things...as long as they aren't shouting at me:) I usually tell people I am still undecided, but I think that Bush has got my vote. Unless, by some miracle, John Edwards ends up on the top of the ticket, or Ralph Nader offers some realistic approach to accomplish some of his far-fetched ideals :) it looks like you can put a notch in Bush's corner for me. Would he be my first choice? no, but since it doesn't look like Hillary Clinton will be running, I guess I'll stick with the Republicans this time around. I can't wait until 2032.....when i'll finally get to check the box next to my own name....... I better get going! So much to do.....so little time! God is so good to me!! PEACE!!

Lessons I've Learned...............

Some the hard way! ~ When you get the groceries out of your car and realize one of the bags is leaking...when you get home, don't throw the bags on the bed! ~Just because something is on sale, doesn't mean you should buy it. ~When your car is making funny noises, don't go out for ice cream, get it fixed. ~Some things are worth a little extra money being spent (like a cereal that's really good for you instead of one that chucks you full of sugar and has you snoozin' by 10 a.m.) ~If you work out and wake up the next day sore, get up and get moving, or else you have to start all over with training your body. ~Never underestimate the power of taking daily vitamins. ~Plants need water, or else they die. ~Not having T.V. and Internet readily available is a good thing - a really good thing ~Being alone with yourself is the best way to find out how real you are. (Yes, I also laugh out loud when I fart and no one is around.) ~They say clothes don't make a man, but dressing up can sure make them treat you like a lady. ~If it says "child-resistant" and you don't have children, don't buy it, 'cuz it's just gonna end up pissin' you off. ~Not giving God and the Good Book your undivided attention daily (and I don't just mean the ten minutes before you go to bed) doesn't mean bad things will happen to you, but it does mean that day is not as good as it could have been. ~Just because your speedometer goes up to 100 mph, doesn't mean you should drive that fast....ever. ~Deferments rock - but they are temporary, and on certain loans, your interest is still accumulating every month....yikes! ~Just because something feels right, doesn't always mean it is. ~When you are 20, people think it's cool when you rebel, smoke, drink and break the rules. However, when you are 30, overweight, can't breathe, and are still breaking the rules, nobody thinks you're cool anymore - take care of yourself. ~Doing something for someone else can often make you feel better about yourself. ~Nobody is going to knock on your door and hand you your future, you have to wake up every morning and decide what you are going to do to get there yourself. ~Dreaming is great - getting off your butt and doing is even better. ~The best way to find out who you are capable of becoming, is to be willing to reach beyond who you already are. I have learned many more things, these just happen to be the ones that are in my brain today! Life has been a rollercoaster, and right now i think i just got to the bottom of the biggest hill, i'm catching my breath, throwing my hands up in the air, laughing hysterically, and enjoying the rest of the ride!!! Jeremiah 29:11

Time Flies............

When you're having a blast!!!!! I don't have much time to type (like 10 minutes), but i realized i haven't typed a journal in for-eva! well, actually i had typed like two of them, really long ones, too, but a couple different people came up and talked to me while i was typing and one got erased and then my computer completely re-booted for the other one ....... bummer. no big thing! if that's the worst that happens, i think i'm gonna be okay :) unfortunately, that's not the worst thing that has happened. my jeep decided to go blsdjfldsfjsajfskfjdsl! seriously, cost me like 600 dollars! WHAT?! but....i just happened to have exactly that amount saved up, unfortunately i had it saved up for rent, food, gas, the usual. that is a huge step that i had that money saved up......a little set back, looks like furniture will have to wait, i might not even have a place to live!!! totally kidding, of course. i have complete faith that God will take care of me.....i had faith that He would with this jeep business, and, of course, He did!! God rocks!! I cannot say it enough..... Just when i think i'm getting too busy and starting to let time with J.C. slip.......I hear Him whisper my name, cuz i missed Him anyway, i sit down and give Him some time, and everything is back in perspective.....when i say I haven't talked to Him in a while, or read the Good Book, i mean like it's been not even a full 24 hours....that is some good stuff!!!!!! i tell ya what...if you haven't let God take control, and trust that He can change your heart...you are missing something HUGE!! I was missing it.....i was missin' so much. to think, i'm just beginning to get it...and He hasn't even begun to reveal His glory to me!!!! I never thought that life could be like this......I never realized that I didn't really KNOW my Heavenly Father, I mean His character and stuff. I knew about Him, and i definitely feared Him, but i didn't KNOW Him. people are really starting to ask me to be involved.........i'm beating them off with a stick the best i can, but it's tough!!! i'm having so much fun meeting people, going to class (yeah, i like class!), living in my apartment, and having the opportunity to work hard in all of it. most of all i'm having fun learning more about God, and getting to know Him personally. Forgiven and Set Free......that's me. I hope one day, all of you can know half the joy that i know today!!! I wish you peace and love and freedom, all the days of your life!!!! To God be the Glory Forever and Ever!! I hope all of you find something to laugh about everyday, for me, it's usually myself, but other people doing stupid things makes me laugh too!!! Love ya all!!!! Peace!! Oh yeah, Happy late birthday Bob, Lori, Aunt Dee, and Tara!! Happy early birthday Sara!!! Love ya girl!!

Keep on Singin' My Song.....

After the ranting and raving in my last journal, I feel somewhat compelled to write another one. This one is more of what is in my soul today, as opposed to what is on my mind. I was on my way to school and I was playing my Christina Aguilera tape (yes, i still own tapes and i'm not ashamed of it ;) Anyway...the perfect song was on that would describe what took place for me this summer to allow me to be where i am now....lovin' the Lord and lovin' life and livin' each day to the fullest. Who said God doesn't perform miracles anymore? He sure did in my life........ I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and nobody's gonna bring me down today been feeling like nothing's been going my way lately but i decided right here, right now, that my outlook's gonna change That's why i'm gonna say goodbye to all the tears i've cried every time somebody hurt my pride Feelin' like they won't let me live life and take the time to look at what is mine Chorus: I believe they can take anything from me but they can't succeed in taking my inner peace from me, they can say all they wanna say about me, but i'm i'm gonna carry on, ( carry on) i'm gonna keep on (keep on) singin' my song I never wanna dwell on the pain again there's no use in relivin' how i hurt back then Rememberin' too well the hell i felt when i was runnin' out of faith Every step i'm 'bout to take well it's towards a better day cause i'm about to say farewell to every single lie and all the fears i've held too long inside every time i felt i couldn't try, all the negativity and strife 'Cause too long, I've been strugglin', couldn't go on but now i've found i'm feelin' strong and i'm moving on Chorus Every time I tried to be what they wanted from me It never came naturally, so i ended up in misery Was unable to see all the good around me, wasting so much energy on what they thought of me than simply just remembering to breathe I've learned i'm humanly unable to please everyone at the same time so now i find my peace of mind living one day at a time In the end I answer to one God, comes down to one Love till i get to heaven above I have made the decision never to give in till the day i die no matter what I'm gonna carry on, keep on, sinin' my song

Hey Toto, we're not in Michigan anymore.....

So, it's been three days and the weather is still perfect....what's going on? Is this Michigan? I can't help but wonder if it's the quiet before the storm. My mom told me that they are predicting a harsh winter for us this year....WHAT?! What would you call last year? Or every other winter before that? If you ask me, any winter in Michigan is a harsh winter. I am not a big fan of winter. Some people might ask me why I'm still here....well, I was contemplating Florida, but, between Andrew, Frances, and Ivan, looks like Florida is having worse luck with guys than I am. So, here I sit.....with my blue fingernails and goosebumps on my legs even though it's like 70 degrees!! I was walking onto campus today and couldn't help but notice that the flag was at half-staff AGAIN. Seems like I haven't seen a flag at the top of the flagpole for quite some time. I get into the computer lab and am riveted by images of September 11th on the screen. I can't believe I forgot what day it was. I had given some thought to it within the last week, but I guess when you don't have T.V. that also means you don't have the media bombarding you with whatever propoganda they choose to flood your mind with that week. I flipped through some of the pictures they have up and my heart sank. Suddenly, I was overcome with the same feeling I had the day it happened. When I turned on my T.V. just in time to see the second plane hit. There is that song, you know, the one that goes "where were you when the world stopped turning, that September day?". I don't really care for that particular phrase in the song. The world did not stop turning. Even figuratively, I'm sure there were people in Albania or Ethiopia that probably had no idea what had happened. There were some in other countries that were even happy to see it happen. Are we so vain to think, as a nation, we are the center and everybody else orbits around us? That's what the Roman Empire believed at one point, too........anyway, I think another song fits better, it was more like the day America realized "unsinkable ships sink, unbreakable walls break, sometimes the thing you'd think would never happen, happens just like that." Please don't get me wrong, I love this country. I love the people of this country......sometimes I worry, though, about our direction. A lot of people would blame direction on the Director, a.k.a. the President. In a Democracy, however, the directors are the people. Unfortunately, half of the people who are eligible voters, choose not to exercise that right. A Democracy.....hmm. It's funny. I just realized that I went on and on just now about viewpoints I don't generally share with others. It seems whenever you get into a political conversation, either the person or people you are speaking with aren't very well informed, or don't have much of an opinion, or they definitely have an opinion, and proceed to try and make anybody who doesn't share their viewpoint feel like an idiot. I generally avoid those conversations, which is sad, because I love to hear what others think, and where they are coming from on such matters. I was talking with one of my professors one time, and we were discussing some of these things. She asked me why I don't share some of my views in class, and I explained it was because there are always those few in a Political Science class who never shut-up and who like to turn dialogue into a debate, or worse, a screaming match. In my opinion, those people will make very good campaign managers, because that's about as far as they're going to get. I think that's why I have chosen to pursue Public/Non-Profit Administration as opposed to Political Science. It seems closer to the matters of the heart, of my heart. I didn't really plan on venting my political grievances today. I would love to be at the football game in Allendale with everyone else...I hope my sister is having a blast at her first home game at GV!! I wouldn't even mind being down at Wayne State watching SVSU kick the pants off of 'em. Oh well.......I have to go to work in a few minutes, at least I'll be making money instead of spending it. Honestly, I don't mind going to work...it's hard when you realize that everyone else is having fun, but, it's not a big deal because sometimes I'm having fun while they are working. It works both ways, and in the whole scheme of things, I'm really not missing much. If only I could've had this frame of mind six years ago. I might've actually graduated on time............NAH!!!

Destination....Procrastination

So.....I meant to write in this journal thing more often than once a week....but, things never usually work out like i plan. that is why i usually don't make a plan. however, i have found that if you do not plan anything, you will only accomplish one thing, and that's nothing. so...i have tried to be better about setting goals, making plans, and STICKING TO THEM. It seems things are a little hectic right now. I can't write very long because i came to the computer lab to do some work. So far, i have been in here for almost two hours and haven't started anything that i actually came here to accomplish.....some things never change. i hate when you are assigned a paper or something and that just isn't where your brain wants to go. that happens to me a lot. it seems like the very thing i should be doing is the one thing i can't seem to do. that kind of sounds like what Paul wrote in one of his letters to one of the -ians, (i'm not sure which one). at least i know i'm not the only one that has that problem. Sorry if this journal appears to be kind of boring so far. that is so different from what is truly going on in my mind and in my heart all the time....it'll get better, Promise!!! I just found out that there is a Poetry Slam at the Cardinal Cage tomorrow.....i think maybe i'll go....they're giving away cash prizes...why can't that be an assignment for class? i think this may prove to be another one of those experiences where i jump completely out of my comfort zone just to see what happens.....but, hey, if you're never willing to reach beyond what you already are, how are you ever going to know what you could be? aahhh, before i get too involved in that thought, i'm gonna check out. Destination....Procrastination stops here ~ it's time i got to work. these thoughts of mine swirl in and out on limbs of wisdom and wings of doubt time ticks on yet here my spindle lies a cup that overflows the sparkle in my eyes i don't think that would be worthy of a cash prize tomorrow...but it sure is exactly how i feel tonight....PEACE.

I never thought school could be this good....I never really thought life could be this good. Every time I find myself in a good situation, I feel bad about it. I don't know why, I think it's because I start to realize how many people don't have it so well, and I feel guilty. Or, I don't believe I deserve so much goodness because of how rotten I am sometimes. I realize now that God wants us to enjoy the blessings He bestows upon us. Why would He want us to feel guilty about what He has provided for us? Who are we to judge what we deserve or don't deserve? As long as you are giving credit where credit is due, why not feel grateful instead of guilty? I realize I have not been a good steward of what God has given me in the past......but it's never too late to change. I don't expect to be different overnight....even though God does have the power to do that. I want to work at it...constantly....maybe stumble once or twice along the way (not purposefully, of course) to show me how I don't want to be anymore, and remind me that the right path is narrower than the wrong one....and arrive, victorious, at the end of it all. Every hour we need Jesus and the Grace His sacrifice has provided for us. All this goodness in my life is worth nothing without Him. Because of that Grace, I can sit here at peace and gladhearted. Because of His Mercy, I can sit here humbled and forgiven. Because of His Love, I can begin to find His worth for me, and define myself according to that, instead of the self-condemnation and brutality I so often allow to grow in my heart. Lord, I want to fly like a dove with butterflies! So....I had my class today, the one where I had to sing in front of everyone. I was so nervous I had to bring the music up with me. Just before I went on, I had to ask the girls sitting near me what the squiggly marks were and some of the other symbols on the page....turns out they were rests. When my turn came up, I told the piano player that I just learned where the rests were, so my timing might be a little off. She just smiled and said she'd try to follow me if I was off. Well, I stepped out in front of everyone and attempted to pass off, with a joke, my inexperience and lack of talent in the vocal department, then proceeded to belt out "All That Jazz" from Chicago as loud as I could. I was having the time of my life!! I didn't even care if it was bad. Granted, I was shaking and my voice cracked and fell flat sometimes, but everyone was laughing and having a good time with it. I danced and sang, and they all joined in a couple times with "..all that jazz". My whole life I have wanted an opportunity just to try something like that...and I got it! Sometimes you just gotta let it all out, you know? If you wanna try something, try it!! If you wanna take a risk, but you're too scared, remember, love casts out all fear, God's love, love for others, or even love for yourself. How are you ever going to know who you are able to become if you are never willing to reach beyond who you already are? The day has been good. I have to go home and continue to unpack and attempt to put stuff away..I love not being able to watch TV right now, or not being able to get on the internet at home. I do miss Sportscenter and CNN sometimes, but my life is much more organized without all that wasted time I would spend watching TV or being online. Before I do anything tonight, though, I think I'll sit by the pond for a while and remember to give credit where credit is due.......To God Be The Glory!!!

Jumpin' on the wagon

So........I decided to jump on the wagon. I used to laugh at people that had on-line journals, cuz I thought they all sounded like middle school girls writing a diary...then I realized that I actually read them, and it helped me stay in touch with what was going on in their lives. So here I am, writing my first journal entry. Forgive me if I don't make sense sometimes. I'll try to organize my thoughts as much as possible, but I do tend to be a little speratic (sp?) and random in my thinking. Well..........my first entry has to be short, (i'll write more later), cuz it just took me way to long to set this gangster up. I just found out that I have to sing in front of everyone tomorrow (by myself!!!) in my musical theatre class........looks like someone needs to go pick out some sheet music ( i don't even read music!) and practice, A LOT. Unfortunately, this is one of those things that my humor and sheepish smile can't get me out of.......why do I continue to thrust myself into ultimate vulnerability......I think I was told once that it adds character. Hmm. The class is at eight in the morning.....so i better start drinking my warm honey-lemon water right now! I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.......PEACE!