Runnin' on Fumes....

You know, I am so blessed. I am sitting here at the church; I've been here since 8 this morning, and left here at 7 last night. I will be here until 7 tonight, and coming back at 7 tomorrow morning, only to be here until 7 tomorrow night. Now you're probably saying, why are you blessed? First, I have a job. Second, I love my job. Third, well, God is God, and He loves me no matter what. I just got done rehearsing for the Christmas Program with a couple girls that will be unable to make it to the actual scheduled rehearsal tonight. The program is tomorrow...God willing, we will be ready, well, we won't be ready...but we're going to do it anyway. :) I just had to take a break a minute because the Bell Choir Director came in; she has a piano recital in between all my rehearsals today. We had to figure out how to have the bell tables on the stage and give her time to practice in the morning, and how to move them so we can also have the program, and have a little time to practice in the morning. I don't know how we all got scheduled to perform on the same day, but we are both willing to work together so nobody is left in the dust. I am blessed to work with such great people. We haven't ran through the whole program yet. We actually will never run through the whole thing with everyone together until we perform tomorrow. There are some scenes and some songs we have not ran through at all. You would think that would make me nervous, but it just makes me laugh. It wouldn't be a church Christmas Program unless some of the cardboard flats fall down, one kid refuses to sing or move or anything, and two kids start fighting on stage. I think I would be disappointed if those things didn't happen:) My stomach is in knots, but I think it's because of the pot of coffee I drank this morning. I'm taking a fifteen minute break right now, to type this blog, and just chill out for a second...remembering what this is really all about. The show will go on no matter what. The day will come to an end with my crazy youth group kids laughing with me cuz I'm really hyper from lack of sleep and too much sugar. I will go home on Sunday night, and finally be able to lay in my bed knowing that God was glorified in all of it. God has been with me through this entire process, and I just keep laughing at everything, sometimes the laughter brings tears and I'm not sure if I'm laughing or crying, so I get caught somewhere in between. I know I will be able to look back on all of this and smile, so I figured I might as well start smiling now. My body is kind of shutting down slowly, but I think I'll be able to hold out through tomorrow. I better go, I need to go upstairs and finish painting the nativity background...I have no idea what I'm doing, I can't even draw...but I think everyone assumes the kids painted it, which they did...most of it. Unfortunately, sometimes it's more work for me to have the kids do it, so I just drew the outline and assigned each of them a different color and let them go to town. The upstairs room is a mess, but I know they had a good time. We didn't finish, so I just have to do that darn stable. I think we ran out of brown paint, I'll just mix a bunch together...that should be a fun adventure. Oh yeah, I have to sew the wings on the angel costumes, too. I know, I can't sew either, but they only have to last through the program tomorrow. I'm sure I'll find a way...I'll probably end up stapling them...that would be hilarious. I hope you don't take any of this as complaining. I feel that happy/stressed/exhausted feeling right now...like you feel after you just played a hard game of basketball or something. You know you gave your all, and you're tired but really pumped up because you won. That's how I feel. I need to go grab another cup of coffee...and start painting...to God be the glory!!

The Little Things

In times like these, I love to take moments to appreciate the little good things that each day has to offer. So many good things God brings into my life, that I miss sometimes, I think, because I'm too busy to pay attention. I am reminded of a song I heard once that I sing sometimes, in the privacy of my car or my room, of course, when things are kind of blah. It's from the Broadway musical "Mamma Mia". Artist: Lisa Stokke LyricsSong: I Have a Dream Lyrics SOPHIE:I have a dream A song to sing To help me cope With anything If you see the wonder Of a fairy tale You can take the future Even if you fail I believe in angels Something good in everything I see I believe in angels When I know the time is right for me I'll cross the stream I have a dream COMPANY:I have a dream A fantasy To help me through Reality And my destination Makes it worth the while Pushing through the darkness Still another mile I believe in angels Something good in everything I see I believe in angels When I know the time is right for me I'll cross the stream I have a dream I'll cross the stream SOPHIE:I have a dream I'll cross the stream I have a dream

Journey to the Past...Accidentally

I've been meaning to post another blog for some time. Every time I would log on, I suddenly became very tired, and wanted to take a nap instead. I never really got to take the nap, but I never ended up posting anything, either. That's kind of funny. I'm at the church catching up on Internet stuff before I get to work. Whenever I come in, I always get on the computer and catch up on e-mail, make sure I'm still in first place for fantasy football, check up on some folks on facebook, and then "punch in", so to speak, and get to work. Today I'm feeling a bit mixed about being here. I just saw an old picture from Alabama (DII National Championship Football Game) and suddenly I want to be there more than anything. That is just truly a very happy moment for me. I love hanging out at a football game, eating a hotdog and drinking a pepsi, and listening to some loud, crazy music, and then screaming at the top of my lungs as I watch my team stomp their way to victory. I might have to slip over to my sister's place and watch part of the game, and then come back and get back to work. I think the game starts in, like, five minutes. My uncle lives in Colorado and gets season tickets for the Broncos every year. He invited me to go out there and go to a game with him sometime. That would be sweeeeet! Unfortunately, getting out there is kinda tough. I would love to go see my family again. I didn't realize my uncle and I had so much in common. I would love to see my grandma again, too. I enjoy spending time with her. She's a great lady, but life has been a little rough on her at times. I really need to try and keep in better touch with people. I think about so many people all the time, but never really do anything about it. I meet new people everywhere I go, and they are always so great. I pray for them, and wish them the best, but that's about it. I'm just not one to stay in touch. I would really love to see all the Youth For Christ people I met out there, and hang out with them a bit, as well. I would definitely drive up to the mountains and hike up to my grandpa's grave. My dad had a cabin up in Beaver Lake that he built with my grandpa. My dad lived there for a while, and was completely snowed in at one point. That's awesome...what an adventure! We used to go up there when I was a kid. My dad had a special "Beaver Lake" tape he would play...I still think of it when I hear those songs. When I went back there ten years ago, I asked my dad to take me up there. He told me that he had sold the cabin, but I wanted to go up to Beaver Lake anyway. When we got there, the cabin had been torn down. My heart was broken. I would give anything to have that cabin back. My heart still aches just thinking about it. I remember the way to where my grandfather is buried. It's a pretty long hike. My dad had a huge walking stick and he would lead the way. We would walk on the trail until we got to the end, then follow the pipe that leads to the stream. We would walk up a hill that was almost straight up and down. You would begin to see a change in the trees and know you were close. The lilly pond would come into view, and you knew you had arrived. We would always find the three pine trees that were planted together right over where my grandpa's ashes were buried. It seems like a dream, thinking about it now. What I wouldn't give to be there again. Someday.

well, at least my socks are clean.......

whenever you're having a bad day....paint your fingernails bright red, and put on some clean socks. seriously. i have some serious decision-making to do in the next month. i like it, and really hate it. the fact that i have to make decisions means 1) i am still breathing and capable of making decisions, and 2) i still have options. so...i guess i won't feel bad about it, yet. i have to go to class in, like, five minutes, but i figured i haven't written in a while, so i oughtta catch up a little. i won't go into what decisions need to be made, cuz then they would be known and it wouldn't take long for everyone to find out, then you receive all this feedback when the decision is hard enough as it is, plus all the judgment and things that come with it...i just don't feel up to all that right now. i am laying a fleece before God, and i should know where my life is going to go within the next month. i don't like putting a fleece before God, but with this one, i have no idea what else to do. i really want to do what God wants me to do. i've been living this whole semester based on my terms, and sinking steadily into a pit that will be impossible to get out of, if i don't do something fairly soon. i trust God completely...and know that next year at this time i will look back and have a better understanding of why all this needed to happen. At least my socks are clean......

Another Light in the Sky is Gone

A friend of mine once said that the stars in the sky represented to him all the souls that still walked around this world aimlessly...searching. I can't help but feel that another star has been lost. It slowly burnt out on Saturday evening. The desparation, pain, and anguish of a young man proved to be too much for one soul to bear alone. We have all been there, close to the edge, wondering if this world would be a better place without us. Some have been closer to the edge than others. Some are gone. Some are left here to wander and to wonder if there could have been anything to stop the light from burning out. Most who are left blame themselves in some way. What makes us so vain to think that we might be able to do something to stop or, at least, stall tragedy? That seems to me to be too much responsibility for anybody. I believe the best thing we can do is to make sure our own light is burning as bright as it can...and hope that, just maybe, it is burning bright enough to illuminate someone else whose light might be going out. My light has been very dim in the past. At one point, there were just ashes, the embers had been spread apart and left to burn out slowly. Somehow, God has ignited the flame and given me a crown of beauty from the ashes that remained in my heart. He used His light when mine had gone. I only hope that other wandering souls can look up and see God's light and find peace in knowing that they don't have to fight so hard anymore. They can find rest because God's light is there, and will never burn out, no matter how many ashes remain in our hearts. There is something to be said about people, and the way they come together when tragedy strikes. This young man not only knows and feels God's love for him, but also understands how deeply his life was cherished by all he left behind. I think this he would be pleasantly surprised and very proud of the way his fraternity brothers have come together to wish him peace in his time of rest. I have been known to go on and on about the gentleman to which I am referring, gushing about how proud I am to know them and how much of a difference they have made to me and so many others. This time of need for so many is no exception. So many of them unselfishly giving their time and energy when they, themselves, have so little left to give. Grabbing on to one another in hope and desparation, making sure each brother feels significant in the role they play in the fraternity and in this world. I am not even there, but I know these things are happening. I have been hanging around these gentleman for some time, and I have seen them come together for the greater good on more than one occasion. These guys do this sort of thing all the time. I have had the opportunity to hang around and meet other fraternities, but I have never seen or felt the power of true Brotherhood like I feel when I am with these gentleman. They define it through their actions towards each other, their school, their families, and their communities. They become mentors to each new pledge class, and stay in touch long after they graduate. They will hassle and joke with one another, but when it comes to the important things, the good stuff, everything else fades away and they are there for one another with a truly unbreakable bond. I am honored to know the gentleman of Delta Sigma Phi. I am so proud of all of them and wish I could stand in front of each one and share how special they are to me just by being a part of such a remarkable family of brothers. If they were accepted into this family by the gentleman who were already a part of it, then I know they can't be just anybody, they are somebody as remarkable as the group to which they belong. I wish them strength. I wish them peace. Most of all I wish God's light on each of them for the rest of their days. May the light of Delta Sigma Phi burn brightly for eternity.

It's amazing how you can meet someone once, only see them a couple times, and they leave a mark on you that you will never forget. Happy Birthday, Lisa! I miss you! 

Out of gas......and out of money

As the Homecoming Week draws to a close tomorrow with the parade and the game, I have one word to describe how I feel.....AMEN! I know that I should be excited about what went on this week, and I'm sure one day I will be, but right now...at 3:30 in the morning...I feel....tired. I sacrificed a lot to accomplish all the things that needed to be accomplished this week. Just today alone I was at the school from 8am to 8pm working on Homecoming stuff. I sacrificed too much. I have so much repair work to do that I don't even know where to get started. I have to start working more through the week to be able to pay the bills that have already come in. I have to go see each of my professors and figure out what I can do to get back on track with my classes. I have to work on memorizing my lines for the play and some scenes I'm in next week. I have to make time for reading God's word everyday, it seems to be the only thing that can still my anxious heart. I can't help but feel that everyone else is taking care of themselves and what they need to do and I am not. I ask them to do something and they have no problem telling me no because they have homework, work, or they just can't do it. I don't berade them or blame them because I understand. How come I do not allow myself the same luxury? Well, not even luxury, the same necessity, really. Is it really all worth it for the organization to meet it's goals this year? So, we meet our goals.....so what? Is it worth it if, at the end of it all, I am so burnt out and incapable of accomplishing any of my goals that I just want to leave this school and never look back? How do you know where to draw the line for yourself when you're the leader? I am not afraid to say that if I had not put in the work that I had this week, we would not have accomplished half of what we did. Is that the way it should be? Am I really helping people out by doing that? Is that inspiring people to believe in themselves and their own capabilities, or believe in the organization as a whole? A couple of the e-board members asked me how I felt after this week and I was as honest as I could be at that moment. I told them that we had fun, we did well....yes, I am tired, but I chose to be as involved as I was and make the sacrifices that I made, and I was satisfied. After thinking a little longer about it, I know that the true word to describe how I feel is disappointed. I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed about some of the choices I made, and disappointed that we were unable to accomplish great things this week as a group. I feel that rests on my shoulders, as the leader. I know that it is not entirely my fault, and that some people are just not going to be involved. I understand that completely. However, I do believe that we would have had more participation from some people had I pursued it differently. Even if I did give something to someone and they dropped the ball, why didn't I just let it drop? I had to go in and do what I could to save the situation so we would still earn some points. I still feel it was worth it somehow...and I don't know, at this time, what I could have done differently, but I'm sure I will begin to figure it out in the next couple of days. We have another project next week for Battle of the Valleys. Thinking about that tonight as I was laying in bed attempting to go to sleep, I wanted to toss the whole idea out the window. Now, after thinking about all that happened this week, I want to try to use this next project as an experiment in leadership. I would like to go about it a bit different and see what kind of results come out of it. I hope that I can reach my goal of inspiring others to believe in themselves, and believe in our organization. If anything comes out of this year, I hope it's that. I feel much better now.....but I do need to get some sleep, the parade starts pretty early, and, of course, I want to be there earlier to make sure everything is in place;)

Love is.....

On Sunday Pastor Bill said something that will stay with me forever, it was a quote, but I forget who said it (sorry) "You can only love God as much as you love the person you love the least." After careful consideration I realized the person I loved the least was me. Then, I knew that wasn't true, cuz if it were, people wouldn't frustrate me, and I would never have cause to feel cheated or wronged, cuz I would just assume I deserved it. So....after recognizing how selfish it was for me to reflect on myself first, I realized that God loves Osama Bin Laden as much as He loves me, but He also loves Mother Theresa as much as He loves me, too. Do I love everyone the same like that? Or do I love the people more who can give something back to me, even if it's just gratification? Being honest with myself is so hard, but I know that I do not love everyone equally. Oh, I try sometimes. I try to love the people no one else loves, but am I also loving the people that don't love them? That is a great challenge that I am willing to accept. It kind of makes everything else that I'm worried about seem trivial and silly.

Lazy Days of Autumn? Yeah Right.......

I think it's time to slow down a little bit...unfortunately, my busiest time is coming up in the next four weeks, actually, next seven weeks. it's going to pick up even more on sunday and not slow down again until the last week of november. i couldn't sleep last night. i had the place to myself, which is always a blessing, but I didn't even get home until after 11, and it was so quiet....but i was up until 6am. I think everything just hit me all at once. God is so good to me during those times, offering me a new perspective after I've just freaked out for a few hours. His perspective is not really what I wanted to hear, but it's always exactly what I need to hear. My priorities have been a little mixed up this week. My main concentration has been Homecoming and Alpha Psi. I need to focus on the church - since it is my job (a.k.a. my income), and my classes, but I don't have any time. I need to make time because I have enough money to cover rent on the 1st, and gas for next week, and that's it. I hate money. I hate needing it, and I hate wanting it. Most of all, I hate when I don't have it...it shouldn't matter, but it does. When I am financially okay, I can usually make anything else work. It's times like these, when it needs to become a priority but there isn't any room for it, that I begin to get anxious and weary. The devil would love me to stay that way. I know better, and I know God is always victorious. He has always provided a way, but only if I am willing to realign my priorities and get it straight. This is the worst time for this wake-up call because everything needs my attention right now. However, it is also the best time, cuz God is getting my attention before things are totally out of control. I am truly blessed.

(Bob, Ann Marie, Me and Carp) This was the wierdest group of friends...but we had some of the best times!! My friend Bob, the crazy in the grey shirt, is 26 on Sunday..HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOB!!! 

Time After Time

It's 3:30 in the morning.....and, yep, I'm still awake. Things have been kinda crazy lately. I've been craving a lot of alone time. Rehearsal is my favorite time of the day...but I have been having to put in a couple extra hours of practice in each day as well, since I'm not as musically inclined as the others. I love going into the piano practice rooms and fighting my way through a song until I have my part down. I've learned a lot about music, how to read music, and harmonizing (since I sing the dreaded alto part). I love it. I absolutely love it. There is so much to do all the time. I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions right now and it continues to build. I love all that I am involved in, but it does get hard to manage at times. I am behind in some things, and need to take some time to catch up and get my bearings back. I know myself well enough, however, to realize that, when I am busy, that is when I am the most productive. There is something almost peaceful about being up at this time, just taking everything in and gaining a new perspective on all of it. The truth is, none of it truly matters. I mean, it matters to a certain degree, but it is not the most important thing. The problem is, the one thing that does matter, is the one thing I feel like I'm lacking the most right now, or spending the least amount of time on. I do not talk directly to God nearly enough. I know He hears me and I listen for His leading, however, I often act or react on impulse and don't take the time necessary to allow God to work in my heart concerning my day-to-day decisions. I have not built up my relationships with people, either, but have begun to actually build up a wall instead. I'm not really sure why, and I'm not exactly sure how to go about tearing down what I have built so far. I'm sure it will take some time. It has been really hard to focus on classes this week, in fact, I haven't focused on them at all, and have some repair work to do there, as well. Suddenly, my mind feels so clear, and I know it is God opening me up to new possibilities of enlightenment. The pressure is off in this moment, and I am content. Today is a new day. God is the same God. I can be whoever I make up my mind to be. Right now I want to be asleep :)

It's 5 o'clock Somewhere

Well....it's 5:30 in the morning and I have officially been wide awake for two hours. I finally gave up and turned the light on just before 5. I find that, instead of tossing and turning for hours and finally falling asleep just minutes before I have to wake up, and becoming frustrated, it's just better to get up and get some things done while I'm awake. It's kind of nice to be up when you know most of the world is asleep....sometimes. I think it gives God time to reckon with my heart. I don't usually do homework or anything like that during times like these. Instead, I usually do something that is going to help me become a better person. I figure, if I'm up at this time, God must have something pretty important to tell me. Usually, He does. I'm sitting at the computer and the screen is all blurry because my allergies have decided to go into full-blown attack mode, we have two animals in the house - I'm sure that's not helping. I managed to catch a pretty crazy cold, too. The timing couldn't be better, what with school starting, auditions, Alpha Psi stuff, and things at the church really starting to get rolling. Despite all of that, my spirits are high at the moment. I know, whose spirit can possibly be high at 5:30 in the morning? Check up on me and see how I'm doing about 4 o'clock tomorrow (or today, actually), when I know I have to sit through a three hour class, and I've already trudged through a long day....my spirit may leave something to be desired then, but I'll try to make the best of it. I just did Satin Hands from Mary Kay on my hands and gave myself a manicure.....and now I'm eating a doughnut leftover from the meeting at church. Believe me, I am a better person because of this doughnut :). Whoever invented custard-filled chocolate glazed doughnuts oughtta win the Nobel Peace Prize. Oh yeah....auditions last week were craaazy! There were so many good people, it was fun to watch everyone. The singing part of it was so nerve racking. I did not do well with that part, but I didn't give up and knew that, since my singing was below mediocre, I had to really step it up for the reading and dancing parts. It must have been enough because I got the part I wanted!! I couldn't believe it, and I still can't believe it. We are doing "Bat Boy: The Musical" and I am the mayor of the town, Mayor Maggie. It is going to be a very fun character to develop. I like to think she's a cross between Hillary Clinton and Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies...should be interesting. I am so blessed to be able to be a part of this show. There were a lot of good people that did not get cast. I still am bewildered when I think about it. We are also doing "Elephant Man". The auditions are in a couple of weeks. It's a really great show, and I would love to be part of it. Unfortunately, with auditions and rehearsals starting before "Bat Boy" even hits the stage, and many good people going after the few roles there are, it's not really looking high in my favor. I am going to audition, though, and give it 100%. Hopefully, I'll be able to squeeze into that show as well, and work very hard to earn a spot. Everything happens just as it should....as long as I know I did my best, I'm satisfied with what comes out of all of this. I'm going to go upstairs and get myself organized to ensure that everything that needs to be done this week will get done. I know it won't ALL get done, but it would be nice to at least make a dent in my to-do list. It's the second week of school and I feel like I'm already a little behind. I just added a Tuesday/Thursday English class on Friday. That means I've already missed the first two classes. Hopefully, I can bear down and catch up.............hopefully. Well, I better get upstairs and do something a little more productive than sitting in front of the computer writing to myself. Good night.....or, good morning....whichever makes you feel better.

Lights, Camera, Action!

So.....i just walked out of my U.S. public policy-making class (we got out early..yesss!) and the prof. only lectured for 45 minutes. i have 10-12 pages of notes, that's front AND back. that's just madness. fortunately, the subject matter intrigues me, but most things intrigue me, even science, a little. kinda makes me wonder what it's going to be like when she lectures the whole 3 hours. i think we are going to have the first half be a quiz on the reading (usually 3-4 chapters a week, along with some journals and articles or reviews on policies and impacts and so forth) then some discussion w/ a small group to gain a better understanding of what we read, and finally, an hour and a half lecture so she can fill in the gaps that the readings left out....what? you mean there's more? now, to any normal person, well, one that likes this stuff like i do anyway, this doesn't sound incredibly impossible. unfortunately, i have, what some might call a deficiency in the memory department of my brain, and what some might call, an overabundance in the energy department. i love to learn. i love to process material, gain perspective from others (even those who might be less informed on the subject matter), and sort out how i can use what i've gained to make a contribution, whether through informing others, making informed decisions, myself, or taking action. however, so many times i have tried to retain all this information....and it just doesn't seem possible for me. i have a particularly hard time with names and dates, processes, even names of theories and who formed them and sometimes even how it all relates to the subject matter at hand. while the professor is lecturing i understand completely. while people are discussing, i can comprehend and follow the discussion. when i am reading, i can understand what the writer's intentions are....if i can stay focused long enough to get to that part. i use all of this information to form what i feel and what i need to do. unfortunately, if you asked me to back up how i feel, i might not be able to be very specific. this is very frustrating. i think i come off as flaky or unaware sometimes, especially when i am in a room full of powerful personalities (not necessarily powerful people, i usually like hanging out with them). i am so self-conscious that i am not going to be able to dig out of my brain the proper material i will need to help explain where i am coming from, that i often keep my mouth shut, or, the powerful personalities are so busy yelling at each other, there's really no room for any real discussion anyway. sometimes i try to engage in conversation with some of the quieter people, only to realize that some of them are really uninformed and choose to stay that way so they don't feel accountable or responsible. hey, sometimes it's tempting, but the better part of me that would like to pursue the higher ground won't allow me to become stagnant. thank goodness. i think what it boils down to is that i like to gain any knowledge in any subject, whether it's stats on the last football game, what the latest fads are for teenagers so i can use it to discuss where God fits in for them and gain new material for ministry, what different plays are considered "good theatre" and why, what programs are available in the community and what can we do to improve them, marlow's pyramid on what a person needs to survive (in dealing with social work and crisis situations), basic communication methods and how to improve them, technology, astronomy, zoology, psychology, Philippians Chapter 4, what's new in washington and who's griping about it and why, the latest national crisis, the most innovative fundraising ideas and how to execute them, different ideas on setting goals and being a good leader, etc. etc. etc. etc. seriously, the list goes on forever.....and that's just the information i've obtained within the last three days. i feel like i'm on information overload, but i love to be knowledgable about many different areas, so i can communicate and relate to a lot of different people. when it comes down to it, though, i realize that sometimes you have to stop and look around you and just see what's going on right now, where you are. i know that means i might not be obtaining information at that time...i hardly ever retain it anyway, right? :) but, i actually am obtaining information, just of a different sort. i'm learning about people, real people that are in my world, and what i can do to make their world a little easier. i guess that is more important than being up-to-date on the latest stats sometimes. maybe it's not so frustrating after all, maybe it's exactly how i am supposed to be to fulfill the purpose God created me for. maybe....instead of being so frustrated because i fear i'll be unable to hold my own in a conversation about different aspects of theatre, politics, or anything else....i'll just relax and realize that, that person who thought they just outsmarted me in a political debate discussing the ramifications of the Bush administration on small business, probably has no idea what the score was in the Lion's game last night....but i know a little about both :) well, i better go. i have an audition tonight....i get to go onstage and completely jump into the life of someone else for a while...and hope that i interpreted it the same way the director feels it should be....why is everything a contest?

Empty Stage

It's funny, the way your mind wanders when there's nobody around to interrupt the thought process. It's almost scary sometimes to think how far your mind can take you before you realize that you have lost yourself, for a moment, in a world that only exists because some stimuli triggered your thought process. You bring yourself slowly back to the reality that is in front of you, and hope no one could guess what you were thinking by the expression on your face. Or sometimes, when there's nothing, and after a while you force yourself to think of something to remind yourself that you are still capable of thought, and that you are not lost in the nothing that is in your head. The most intriguing, though, is the moment where everything clicks. You've been racking your brain about something, anything really, and it all comes together, and suddenly, you have a plan. Huh. It seems those moments of clarity can't last too long, though. It's nice and all, but I think I feel better when I'm processing things. It reminds me that there's always room to grow. In those moments, however, I can also sit back and appreciate how far I've come. Hm. I've learned a lot in the quiet moments.

A lot can happen in a month......

or, sometimes, nothing at all..... wow, it's almost been too long since i wrote last to catch up on everything....so i won't. spent the fourth of july in cass city with family. it rocked.....but it always does. the fourth is one of my favorite holidays, along with christmas. i've been to the church a few times, but don't really know what God is leading me to do there, yet. i'm sure that will begin to come together in the next couple of weeks. started doing a show at the zoo on saturdays...song and dance thing, with a tour of some of the animals....it's sooo disney channel, and it is a blast! still working at the juvenile home, this week is my last week.....i'm kinda having a hard time with that. junior camp at bay shore was last week, and that totally rocked!! super cal was back again, and full of energy.....got to witness one of my kids from elkton decide to make Jesus a big part of her life....i will never forget it....and i can't wait to meet up with her in heaven. my friend Jen got married this weekend, as did my friends Arin and Shupe....best of luck!! it's three thirty in the morning and i can't sleep......i have to be up in three and a half hours.....it's not looking good, but i'll manage. sometimes these restless nights are good for me....gives me some time to pray and hash things out in my head. i don't pray enough. it's a good thing my Spirit prays on my behalf with groans that go beyond words, but i still need to pray more. it's too easy to think of God as a distant relative that we only see at holidays, and maybe talk to once in a while when something reminds us of Him, or He's sent us something great. God is my Father....Jesus is my best friend....and the Holy Spirit sweeps the halls of my heart every day. there's nothing distant about that. 'night.

'Sup?

word up. i haven't written in a while, so i figured i'd log on and throw somethin' up here to keep this blog up to date. i just went to see one of my roommates in a play at svsu. it's called "waiting for godot", maybe you've heard of it. it's theatre of the absurd, so it's kinda hard to do, but they pulled it off well. props to the cast and crew! i'm workin' on the weekdays at the juvie home. i don't think i'll ever get used to wakin' up early every day, but i really like the job so it's worth it. word. i haven't started at the church. did i ever mention that i got a job as a youth director? yeah...it's at westminster presbyterian in bay city. i've only been to a presbyterian church once in my whole life, but i figure God wants me there, He loves us all the same, who am i to argue? i'm headin' to grand rapids this weekend for the annual summer picnic with the delt sigs. seriously.....rock on. alpha psi omega is up and kickin'. we had one brainstorm meeting, and one e-board meeting. the cast freakin' rocks so far! (they call them casts instead of chapters, i think that's pretty creative.) hopefully we can get some of the big planning stuff out of the way before the year starts, and just carry out said plans once the year gets rolling, hopefully with minimal yucky stuff. break a leg.... i really want to step out of my comfort zone this year with theatre and work very hard. we have a couple musicals that i believe will stretch me. i am not musically inclined, but believe i can be if i continue to work at it. i figure i will take what i can get, as long as i know i gave it my all...who am i to argue? just keep swimming.... helped out at holy cross the other day. it was good to see the guys again. a couple have gone home, and a couple more are on their way. i truly wish them the best, and know they have it in them to stay out of trouble. some will, some won't....as long as i know i did my best to love them, and guide them as much as was possible for me....i now realize it is not up to me to save them....i trust God has that taken care of.....God rocks. I just found out that one of my best friends ever, Mike "Carp" Yates, and his wife Katie are expecting a baby!!! way to go mike! yay you. i just want everyone to know that i love my mom very much....that's all. good night.

These are my crazy roommates!! 

Getting pumped up before "The Tempest" (I'm somesomewhere in the middle) 

Me and "Ferdinand" 

"The Tempest" April 2005 

"The Little Prince" 

This hat weighed like 10 pounds! 

Random 1 o'clock Thoughts

I love the fourth of july, but i'm not too fond of the eleventh. that's not meant to be funny, it is what it is. it's funny how different dates have different significance to different people, kinda like different songs or colors or smells. we all live in the same world and it means something different to each of us. we all cope differently, and react differently to the same situation. "it's what makes the world go round." not really, though, the world would go round even if there were no people on it. one time, a friend of mine had told me that it seemed like a cop out to him to give the explanation "cuz God made it that way" to everything. that made me laugh. actually, it kinda made me sad back then, but it makes me laugh now. if it were such a simple thing, wouldn't more people believe it, or even say it, at least? Abe Lincoln once said that "truth is not determined by how many people believe it." rock on, abe. people have always amazed me. i often wonder what they are thinking, what motivates them to do what they do, or say what they say. i think about how they say things compared to what's probably really going on in their minds, and what compels them to change it somewhere in-between. or how about those people that don't talk often? those people intrigue me the most, because they are usually the ones that get the most respect. i know that, yet, i still can't keep my mouth shut. you shouldn't be who you aren't to gain respect, i suppose. if i can't get it being me, i don't deserve it acting like someone else. i often say the wrong thing at the right time, or the right thing at the wrong time, but it all comes out eventually. instead of opening up the front door really wide and letting all the bugs in, i think i need to invest in a screen door for my brain, so only the cool breeze can float in, and i don't even have to worry about the bugs. i've got quite a collection, though. maybe it's time to get rid of that, too. all those stupid things i have said or done that still float through my mind, that probably nobody else cares about or even remembers. yeah...maybe i'll try to sell my bug collection on e-bay...some sucker would invest in it for sure...probably a self-sabotager looking for some new material to berade themselves with, after all..."it's what makes the world go round" right? i honestly hope that through my relationship with Jesus Christ, that circle of negativity has been broken.....i know it has. my friend, Lindsay, moved to California today....i wish her the best.

Ode to a Beautiful Day

So many times we just go and go. We forget to take the time to stop, look around, and smile. I have a keypad at my fingertips that communicates to the world the many stories, ideas, and pictures I have swirling around in my soul. That makes me smile. I often have trouble communicating what is going on in my soul at any given moment. It is as if I have an entire symphony playing in my heart, and all that comes out on paper is a piano, alone, playing a simple melody. Sometimes that can be just as sweet. This is what I see in this very moment: I am swimming, in my clothes, floating rather. I am in a pond somewhere, but nowhere, really. I am allowing myself to take in the whole view of the sky, which is a deep blue, with puffy white clouds. My arms move easily through the cool water, as I float deeper into the watercolor sky. That is enough for today. Good night.

A New Chapter Has Begun

Wow! I haven't written a journal entry since April!! I kind of forgot about my journal - which, I guess, is a positive sign, cuz I have been so busy, and things have been so great, it just never crossed my mind. Let's see....what has happened between now and then...."The Tempest" went well, considering the hardships we faced, and I now have a new appreciation for Shakespeare, I was inducted into the Theatre Honor Society of Alpha Psi Omega and was elected President for 05-06, should be a good year, I auditioned for the Theatre Scholarship along with many others, I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that one, I got a chance to emcee the big award show for the theatre department with a friend of mine and it turned out pretty good, according to the comments we have received since then, I took a chance and wrote a play for my final scene in Directing Class, it turned out pretty well, and the girls did awesome performing it, uh, school ended and I managed to keep my grades in the 3-point range, ROCK ON! Overall, I give the year an A, possibly an A+ at times! Recently, God has chosen to bless me even more. I don't know if I can take much more of this - but I'm sure I'll manage :) I moved in with three other friends of mine, and it's going well! We got a duplex in Freeland and it's super nice! I get my own room, the living room is HUGE with a cathedral ceiling, I finally have a dishwasher, and getting a washer and dryer, we have a back and front yard and a two-car garage, we have two full bathrooms and a HUGE basement that rocks! It's nice to have a computer with high-speed internet at my fingertips as well. I'm sure I'll be writing a bit more because of that, and, yes, we have a cat - but Sammy's pretty cool. I look around at what I have and get tears in my eyes because I am so lucky. I know so many people that work very hard and don't have half the luxuries I have right now. It truly makes you appreciate everything God does for you on a daily basis. I am blessed. I have been getting more hours at Holy Cross, which is very good - moving into a new place is expensive! Sometimes it is stressful and you wonder if you're getting anywhere with these guys, but then one of them completes the program, and gets to go home, and you can tell they are a different person than when they came in, and suddenly, it's worth it. Like my friend Justin said once, "we don't see the grass growing, but we know that it does." I fell into another opportunity this summer, and I'm really looking forward to getting started. I applied for an activity leader position at Essexville-Hampton Community Ed. I put together a couple workshops that I would do with the kids at the Detention Center in that area. It would just be a couple days and then I would be done. Well, it turns out their on-site coordinator can't continue through the summer, so they asked me to finish their seven-week program! That would give me thirty hours a week working with different activity leaders and hanging out with the kids all day! They also reserve two slots a week for me to do whatever workshops I come up with as well! Don't get me wrong - it's not day camp, it's lock-up, but kids are kids, and they need to have fun, too, and know that someone cares about them, even if they did mess up. I can do that job and continue with my work at Holy Cross! I'll be pretty busy, but it's so worth it. I applied at a church for a youth director position. I don't think I'm what they are looking for, but I have left it completely in God's hands. I have an itch to get into ministry again, but I have to be really careful. Once school starts back up my schedule is jam-packed crazy!! I had my first meeting as President of Alpha Psi Omega and it went well! It was just a brainstorming session, and we came up with a TON of ideas! Mostly, we just got excited about the possibilities as an organization next year. I hope we can continue that excitement through the year and accomplish many great things. I think we will... Well, I better go....I hope that catches you up a little on what's been going on with me! Things are great, God is great...but God is great all the time, whether things are great or not :) PEACE

No Sweat!

Last night I played basketball for, what felt like, hours....I actually think it was at least a couple hours. I needed that so bad. Sometimes, when my world gets stale it means I need to get off my butt and do something about it....and I did. When I got into bed last night I couldn't sleep. I stayed awake praying and thinking until 3 o'clock. I realized that all the things I was thinking about I needed to hand up to God....and I did. I didn't want to hang out with anyone yesterday. I wanted to sit by myself and take everything in. I realized that it wasn't helping me to do that, and I needed to go be with my friends, and appreciate the people God has put into my life at the present time....so I did. I know that if you have unforgiveness in your heart, chances are, God's not hearing your prayers. Looks like I have some apologizing to do, and some forgiveness to ask for......so, here I go....

Swimming, Swimming.......

So many times we feel like we are on the right track. So we begin to relax a little, let go of the wheel, get lazy. That is just what satan wants. He would rather us sit on the fence our whole lives, then to turn our back on God entirely. That way, we bring other believers down with us....and we all just sit on the fence....and wait. I'm uncomfortable sometimes. I tend to think that means it's time to move on. I have to keep reminding myself that, maybe, that's how I'm supposed to feel. This world is not my home. Maybe, when I get uncomfortable, it's just because I'm homesick. I love Mercy Me's song "Homesick". It rings so true in my heart every time I hear it. I miss my friends. I hang out with people here at school. I've gotten to know a lot of great people, and many have become good friends. However, I miss my other friends. I have a group that hangs out here in Saginaw, who I haven't even spoken to in months! My friend Janis is engaged...and I haven't been able to hug her yet and tell her congratulations...and here ALL about it! I miss my friends from Grand Rapids. There are so many people there who I love so much. Sometimes I contemplate moving back. Sometimes I contemplate moving somewhere else. I always get so restless. I have a lot of other friends who live all over the place. I wish I had more time for visiting. I think I'm going to try and open up some days to go see them all this summer. I could really use that right now. I have the play again today. It's really going well. God truly listened to all our prayers, and answered them, as only He can do. I love when I step out on that stage. It is one of the best feelings ever! It's like...you escape...for just a moment....and you get to share it with everyone else. I used to read so many books when I was little. I would lock myself in my bedroom and read for hours almost every day. This is kinda like that, but better. I get the same feeling stepping out on that stage that I used to get reading those books. You ever feel like you're not yourself sometimes? The last couple days, I feel like I haven't been myself. I think it's because my world has become stale to a certain degree. It's my own fault - I know that. I have not dove headlong into God's word in a long time. I have not taken the time, every day, to evaluate and grow and become a better person. I always do that, but lately, I haven't. I miss my alone time. I miss sitting quietly letting the wind whisper God's promises in my ear. I miss having real conversations with people about God's word, and digging to find more about His character. Sometimes, being back in school reminds me of high school. The same old gossip and politics that I despised long ago has crept up on me again. The problem is, instead of rising above it, and walking in the Lord's peace, i grow indignant towards it, and become stubborn, and....hateful. That is not who I am. That is not who I am at all....so, then it makes me sad. I know that most of the students here are younger than me....I forget that sometimes. I just want to be the person God created me to be....and I see her in me sometimes....and I like her. I just want to keep growing, and confronting those demons that have awaked a bitterness in me that comes out at the most inopportune times. I love the Lord and all He has to offer. I choose that. I choose that peace and that hope. I choose to be loved, and I choose to love others.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes...

how do you measure a year in the life? that is from a song from "Rent". i would love to go see that show sometime. from my last journal (yikes!) my health has improved immensely. it took over for just over a week, and then one day, it was gone. i was beginning to think that it was a dark cloud that would be there a long time. (that just proves how "anne of green gables" i can be sometimes, caught up in the "depths of despair".) it makes me laugh to think of it now. however, when i am in the midst of it, it's not very funny. God always sustains me in those "sink or swim" moments. he's like the orange floaties on my arms that keep me afloat. i have to go to work now. things have been going well at work. the guys are really coming together as a group. yeah, they have their moments, but all of us do. there are only going to be six guys there tonight. it's nice when there are only a few, cuz that gives me a chance to give them more of the individual attention they are craving so much. it should be a good shift. tomorrow should be good as well. many of the guys are at home until monday, so tomorrow there will be only half of the group. hopefully, in the spirit of the holiday, i might be able to talk to the guys a little bit about Jesus' ressurection, but only if they ask. God guide me through such a conversation! "the tempest" is going well, i think. shakespeare is hard to memorize and even more difficult to comprehend without some sort of help. however, once you have the language down, and understand the message he is trying to convey, it is wonderful to perform! i am a bit concerned about the lead man, who plays my father, but he does have a lot of lines (more than all the rest of us combined) and i'm sure he'll work hard this weekend to get them memorized. we have our first dress rehearsal on monday, and opening night on friday! i'm curious to see what kind of crowd we get. i am so glad that i get to be a part of it. i think we will pull of a very good show. i am running for president of the theatre honor society alpha psi omega. ha. i never thought i would ever "go greek", but this is really important to me. i have a lot of ideas, and i think i have a pretty good chance of winning the election. i hope so. i also have been working hard the last week to catch up on my classes. i have a final scene in my directing class and my acting class that i want to nail! i have been searching through scripts today (it takes a long time!) and have found some pretty good ones in the mix. now i also have to catch up in my poetry class. unfortunately, that is the class that has fallen from my priorities, and it's the hardest one! i really want to keep my grade point up and stay on the dean's list!! it means a lot to me to be on it, it's just hard to find the time to balance everything right now. i talk to God on a regular basis. unfortunately, i know i do not give Him the time that He deserves. it's to my own loss, because i have not received the blessings that could come forth if only i would give the time and energy to His will. how is it, that that is the one thing that is so easily dropped when time is in short supply. that is the one thing that should be most important. God has not forgotten me in spite of it, and i have not forgotten Him. i love that He has blessed me with a hunger to pursue Him when i have stepped away, even for a short time. God has really provided people to hold me accountable (sometimes it is someone i least expect). i would love to type more, but i do not want to be late for work. i am so grateful for the opportunity to work, to do what i love to do, to be surrounded by loving people, and to be sustained and blessed as i go through each day, whether or not i deserve it. "five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes.....how do you measure a year in the life."

i just can't shake it

it's been a full week, and i still can't shake whatever's stealing my energy. i sit and have no desire to do anything. i really just want to go home and go to bed. my throat has been swollen and i just can't lick this thing!! i have rehearsal tonight....then off somewhere else with my brother. hopefully everything works out for the best with all of it. i can't wait for classes to be over!! God is still so good to me....He has been here for me through all of this....I am so grateful to my God for someone to cling to...Jesus!

Crooked Staircase

Call was at 12:30 - it's 1 so many things swimming - no sharks, just whales the whales of responsibility and deadlines how many hours does it take to write a paper? how many hours you got? be a flower, be a lady, be a tempest, be an ice cream cone, ahhh, paint my face and call me rosy but don't call me at three in the morning, zzzzzz Satan yells with clangs and cymbols God whispers in my dreams with wistful songs of peace the stage is dark, black, i cannot see a soul the lights blaze and i am smiling, dreams come true the light is coming from my soul, the Spirit shines A crown of beauty instead of ashes as i drop kick my urn into the ocean I say to the devil "check-mate"

I'm late, I'm later, Crap! I missed it.....

I feel that sums things up pretty good. I don't really have time to type.....must go to rehearsal, aughhhh! I realized last night, as I was hopping into bed around 3 a.m. that I had completely forgotten about my online journal...like, I didn't even think about it once since the last time I wrote. That's wierd....usually I will at least think about it (doesn't mean I'll necessarily do anything about it) but I had completely erased it from my thoughts. I have been busy.....very busy......and I keep getting busier.....but I like my life. God has blessed me greatly!! -My brother is staying with me, cuz he got a job over here in Bay City, so that's been fun -School is getting busier - with scenes to perform, papers to write, projects due, and exams! -I have been rehearsing for "The Little Prince", performances start in a week! -I got the lead female role in "The Tempest" (yay!!!!!!) and rehearsals have begun, YIKES! -Work has been uber-stressful, and I'm trying to squeeze in hours anywhere I can! -I am also helping out by being in scenes for other people's directing classes and things -My mentor said that she would love to continue meeting and discussing God's character and His plan for my life (yay!) -I continue to cast all of my anxieties on the Lord on a daily basis, and He has sustained me!!! -I actually have an hour today to go home and get something to eat (my apartment is a mess!) I know this sounds like a lot, and it definitely is a lot. However, I am having a good time, and still have a peace that transcends all understanding, as long as I keep God in front of me. I still manage to smile and find joy. Yes, I am tired sometimes, but it is a good tired, a fulfillment that comes from a sense of accomplishment and purpose. I do want to start putting a little more time and effort into homework and classwork, getting all I can out of what's being offered to me at this time. I better go....the hour is dwindling....To God Be The Glory!!!

Who needs balance when you have chocolate cake?

I DO!!! when i did youth ministry for a time, one of the lessons i grabbed from the YFC curriculum was on balance. you took a quiz on four areas of your life: spiritual, social, physical and mental, to see where you stood on each. the goal of the quiz was to fall somewhere in the upper-middle of all of them. if you found you were high on one end and low on another, you could re-organize your priorities accordingly. with my life, i have found that balance seems to be the key for me. usually, i find i am lacking in one area at a time. i attempt to fix it, therefore, neglecting another, and then frantically trying to re-focus my energy on that...........it tends to be a vicious cycle, a vicious cycle that is usually manageable. i can usually tell when something is being neglected because i feel unsettled. i can definitely tell when things are balanced because i begin to get the urge to do something stupid to throw it all out of whack again :) lately i have been feeling unsettled, so, naturally, at two o'clock this morning, i couldn't sleep. i started to think about the different areas of my life to see which one was off-balance with the rest and came to a horrifying realization: THEY ALL ARE!! there is not one area of my life that is balanced or focused or on target with where it should be......not even close. it's a wonder i get through each day. the truth is....i don't. i float through each day like a zombie, doing the bare-minimum to simply survive it. my diet is aweful, i have gained weight and feel extremely uncomfortable with myself physically (not because i'm obsessed with it but because i know how my body should feel and i'm not even close to that right now), i haven't been keeping up on my homework because nothing has been "due", and i keep arriving late and unprepared, i'm letting work stress me out beyond what it should, nothing is a priority right now - i just float to the next thing and sit. i haven't done a devotion in over a week, or been to church in two months, ( i have conversations with God every day, which is how i came to the revelation of my present-day, unbalanced existence). i have not been in touch with close friends for quite some time, or returned calls, or really care much about making or breaking plans. i have grown comfortable with the fact that i have run out of clean clothes and my apartment is a disaster......the list can go on and on, but i'll spare the details. that's just the major stuff. while i understand that some fine-tuning is in order, i can also be realistic and understand that it's not going to be completely different overnight. i know i am capable of going into overdrive and turning everything around by this time tomorrow, but eventually i would grow weary and jump back off the wagon and become lazy again. this is not a quick fix situation. it's a matter of finding the small changes i can make in each area to grow closer to the desired level of balance.........i'm not looking forward to the work involved, i'm sure that's why i continually stall the inevitable, but i will feel better and get more out of the things i am involved in. in addition, i will be a better influence on the lives of those i encounter on a daily basis. i will be better for me, and better for them....most of all, i will be better for Him. looks like i better go, i have to do my laundry, walk a bit on the treadmill, eat a balanced meal, do some kind of homework, call an old friend, make plans with a new one, and go to bible study........sounds like a pretty well-balanced night. hopefully that means this headache will finally go away...... ~PEACE~

Would you stop looking at me, please?

To tell you the truth, i have no idea why i just thought of that title for this blog. it seems to fit perfectly, however. i have rehearsal in a bit, so this has to be short. i got a part in "the little prince". i am the rose at the beginning of the play, she is talked about and the very significant part of the the little prince's entire journey. it is a great story, and i'm happy to be a part of it. or maybe i'm just happy to be significant...... i went on this testing thing that i saw on another blog and found out funny stuff about me, that i already knew....it's one of those tests that can explain exactly who you are by asking twelve questions...unfortunately there were two questions that two answers applied to me at the same degree, so i tried the test both ways, and, of course, got two different responses, and, of course, i found they both applied to me in different ways: 9 - YOU ARE A PEACEMAKER you are emotionally stable and willing to find common ground with others. your friends and family often look to you to be the mediator when there is a conflict. you are easy going and accepting. you take things as they come. avoiding conflict at all costs, you're content when things are calm. 4 - YOU ARE THE INDIVIDUALIST you are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. you are creative and dreamy...plus dramatic and unpredictable. you're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel. ah, truth to both, but, just like horoscopes, probably a bit of truth in every one. these are probably just the two that contain the most truth about me. my mind is swimming with words and emotions and puzzle pieces that have yet to find a home right now......my head actually hurts. i feel the need to rest, but only because i know that is not an option. it seems the very thing i need to do is always the last thing i want to. i'm beginning to change that around a bit, by changing my thinking on the matter, however, it still comes to haunt me every so often. rehearsal will be good......my part is small, and i can sit and do whatever i want while the others are doing their blocking, then i can also get my blocking down so i can begin to memorize the text with the blocking. memorization is always my biggest hurdle in a play. i love improv, so i like to make things different every time, but you can't with an actual play. don't get me wrong, i love to committ to a character, the problem always comes in the delivery of the dialogue and the dialogue itself. we concentrated on anger today in our acting class....not my favorite emotion, but a worthwhile experience to say the least. i realized something today in both my acting class, and my poetry class, and i'm sure it applies to my directing class as well. i always thought with art you either have it or you don't. the truth is, it can be learned, and, even if you have all the talent in the world, it still has to be honed in so it's appropriately utilized. i never knew that. i never knew there was technique, and basics involved with poetry or theatre, but there is. that is what devides the trained from the untrained. i have also found that it's actually something i want to take the time to learn. wierd. i have to go to rehearsal...peace.

Another Rockin' Semester......

It looks like another rockin' semester is in the works. I thought it was going to be kinda "eh" compared to last semester, but i think i will be pleasantly surprised. i haven't really gotten back into the school mode yet...i even forgot to grab my book and paper and stuff for my class yesterday...i had to borrow from the computer lab...but it went well...it was public speaking. unfortunately, i have managed to arrive late to every class i've had this week. who arrives late on the first day? apparently, i do. i had originally scheduled a four hour night class - accounting. who does that besides a crazy lady? i wasn't really looking forward to it, but i need it eventually, anyway. then, a friend told me the professor i had for that class was impossible - to understand and to pass without a but load of outside work. i hate outside of class work. i know that's what a majority of college is, outside work, but not to actually have to go through the book and teach yourself everything - in accounting. so.....i was searching the on-line registration, and just happened upon an english class i had previously tried to get in but it was closed. there was one opening in the class - so i signed up. it's a poetry class - ROCK ON! i just got out of it, and it is going to be awesome, it will be outside work, but, chances are it is work i am already doing, on my own time: reading and analyzing poems, and maybe taking a stab at writing some of my own. we'll see....... fate is in my corner, well, not fate, more like faith. the intro to directing class i wanted was completely full with a waiting list of more than ten students. i happen to jump on the computer at the same time that someone dropped the class and managed to squeeze in before someone from the waiting list was contacted - that's awesome! i also am in an intermediate acting class with the more brilliant actors from svsu. in my intro to acting class i was somewhere in the middle, which was good - i am now at the bottom of the barrel staring up in ernest. i am going to learn a ton in this class and be stretched yet again from my little box that has grown increasingly bigger with each risk i take. lastly, i am taking a public speaking course. i am deathly afraid of that class. i do realize, however, so is everyone else who is in there. there will be some brilliant speakers, there will be some not so brilliant speakers. we're all there for the same reason, to get better. i like to think that is what we all have in common, and puts us all on the same level, no matter how brilliant we are or are not. you ever have those moments where something seems so perplexing, then suddenly your mind clears the sun peaks from behind the clouds, and the answer is staring at you as if it had been there in plain english all along? i get that more and more as time goes on. i got that today while analyzing an Emily Dickenson poem for a quiz (that's right..we had a quiz..never mind that i had just signed up for the class today and missed the first one...but the professor said if i bombed it i could make it up somehow....that's reassuring :) anyway....i was staring at her somewhat obscure language and grammatical structure......suddenly i began to write, and as i wrote, more came to me and it began to make sense.....i know, an emily dickenson poem began to make sense!!!! that's crazy. now, the way i see it, i am either completely right on with comparing the "narrow man in the grass" with a skeleton, and a "House of Prose" with the ordinary and uninviting status quo, or i am way off and will be mortified when the somewhat obvious to everyone else answer that is completely different from anything i was thinking of is revealed. i somewhat hope i am wrong......isn't that funny? all through school we write something we perseve to be brilliant and hand it in knowing that the teacher is going to be moved to tears and read it aloud to the class the next day, only to be crushed when we receive the paper back with a red marker all over it and a note telling us that we got way off track and must have not been paying attention when the directions were given...whoops. what happened to brilliant? more like brilliantly off focus. in this case though, i hope there is red marker all over challenging me to dig deeper and look harder, or stop looking so hard and perceive what is staring me in the face. if i am right, the professor might expect more than i can give, and the class might, too. in a class like this, i would rather sit in my own little corner and listen to what others bring to the table, giving my input but giving it in a way that no one would know it was mine, not because i fear i will be wrong, but more because i fear i will be right. is that silly? maybe. theatre is not a practical major - bull. i've never felt like i was being more practical than right now. everything and nothing makes sense. i am no longer searching beyond myself but within myself. i can share real experiences and truly get to know the inner workings of my classmates. i am vulnerable but safe, open but real. if nothing else...i feel at home. 2005 is definitely going to rock.