So many times we think that life is too complex, and we’re always trying to think about it on a different level than what’s right in front of us. What if life is so easy we’re foolish to try and think about it another way? What if we have one task, and because we do not look harder at the things we do every day, we miss it? What if it all happens just as it should no matter what we do? What if we are here and gone and it doesn’t even matter? Would that take the pressure off, or make us feel insignificant? I think I like to create different characters because I feel in the world we create on stage, that character has significance, no matter how small the role, there’s still a role. I can put everything I have into that character because I know they only exist for a moment; then they are gone. If I put that much energy into every moment of the character I am, I would be exhausted. I am exhausted. Sometimes I feel like I try so hard to do nothing. I feel I should be doing something other than what I’m doing, but I don’t do it. When I feel like I’m doing something I should be doing, I find it hard to keep it going because it takes all of me. I don’t know how to delegate my energy. I only know what I’m doing right now is taking all of me, but my mind tends to go to other places. I wish I could be more responsible. I know I could be anything I wanted. I could work at it and become it over time. The problem is I’m not sure exactly what it is I want to be. Sometimes I just like to sit here and do nothing. There’s no failure in that, or any success. It’s not complacency because my mind is reeling, and I’m learning about myself in that moment. When I’m not doing, I’m being, and seeing things for how they are, seeing me for who I am. I lie to myself sometimes about who I am. Sometimes I want to believe I’m a horrible person, most times actually. When I think I am an okay person doing the right thing, that’s when I know I am in trouble because I know I am deceiving myself. I am dust. I am also a child of God, created by Him, for Him. I know it is He who dwells in me and keeps me alive. It is not because I am a good person. It is not because I have done great things or kept myself safe that I am alive. It is because God wants me to be alive. I am not entitled to anything, punishment or reward. It is Christ who took the punishment and deserves the reward...Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Just Write...and See What Happens

So, that's what I'm going to do, just start writing. I realized something today as I looked at old pictures and thought about stories that I've told a hundred times about crazy things I've done. It's been a while since I've lived a good story. When I was in Grand Rapids, I was constantly meeting new, interesting people, doing spontaneous things, and learning as much as I could in the process. Lately, I've just been getting from one day to the next, not really pushing for anything new and intriguing. I think part of me really needed the break, living that lifestyle can be exhausting. However, I think there's part of me that needs a little bit of mystery and excitement to keep things fresh. Don't get me wrong, I have met tons of new people, even this semester. I just haven't really gone out of my way to get to know them, like I usually do. I love to go home, turn on my Christmas lights, light the candles, and make something to eat. That's been my recent favorite thing to do, no matter how late it is. I really enjoy living alone. Especially with such a wierd sleeping pattern. I can fall asleep at ten, wake up at two, stay up until six, and then sleep until eight. It's really wierd. Some nights I won't go to sleep until four in the morning, other nights I crash at nine, and won't wake up until ten. That's why it is nice being in school and working odd hours. I can sleep in until ten if I need to, but I can also wake up early and get a few hours in the church before class, or workout. I need my sleep. That is something I have realized more this semester than ever. I never realized how much I wasn't sleeping. I don't feel guilty about sleeping in because chances are, if I can't wake up, it's because I woke up a few times during the night and didn't sleep well. When I get enough sleep I am ten times more productive than when I don't. Unfortunately, during weeks like this one, waking up early is a must, no matter how I slept the night before. I have, like, five papers to write by tomorrow, but my schedule is completely full, so the papers will have to be done in the cracks. You know, so many people get frustrated with themselves for procrastinating, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Rather than spend hours or days throughout the semester trying to start papers, I can spend a few days cramming it all in, and still getting A's on all my papers. Why would I do it differently? I don't even think about a paper until a few days before it's due, then, I don't usually do it until that day. One of these days I'm sure it's going to catch up with me, but it hasn't yet, so I'm not going to worry about it. I actually have to go to class right now. It's my geography class and I have to present my paper for extra credit. It's my last gen. ed...woohoo! I'm so ready to be done with school, but I am appreciating all the resources while I'm here. I absolutely love learning. I just wish it didn't take so much time, and so much reading! I love to read, but not if I have to read a paragraph five times just to take it in. I better get going...another thing I've learned to enjoy is being on time. Later.