Raiders fans need not apply.......

Oh my goodness....if a man sent me an Elway jersey circa 1984-ish (vintage orange!)...I might marry him.  Of course, he would also have to play "Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera for me at some point at a party/event, and dedicate it to me, so I'm totally embarassed, but totally in love with him...and go rollerskating (maybe just once:)....and fishing....and be willing to live in Downtown Detroit....and have a rooftop garden...and play catch...and mentor foster kids who are aging out of the system...and forgive me for the the occasional cigar (like once a year...really...nbd)...and know that God is first in my life.  Period....and be willing to understand that I will feed homeless people....and that I am silly...a lot....(but also super intense, and internal, at times)...and I love to dance....just let me dance....and that if he's grumpy, I will try to make him smile, and it will probably annoy him....and that if I'm grumpy, I just need some alone time...or possibly some orange juice, and just don't realize it.....and deal with my old school WWE love.....and sometimes I might want to sleep in separate rooms, but not because I don't love him, but just because I need some sleep, and probably want to watch shows that I know he probably won't like, or want to read a novel in one sitting......and I'll definitely want a dog....a big one.....and I'll probably give the dog a really lame name like "Buddy"...and he would have to be willing to excuse my 80's hairband obsession....and I will fall in love with his family, and want to hang out with them...and know that I will probably try to surprise him all. the. time.....it's obnoxious really....and I will want to contribute, like, fix things and stuff...but I won't know how...but I'll try anyway, and probably get frustrated....and that even though I act tough, from him, I'll take a hug, or a compliment, anytime, in fact, I probably need either one, just like, a few times a week, or maybe even just once a week....and that I'll probably try everything he likes, and even start to like it...but I do have the things I like, and want him to care about those things, even if it's just for pretend, and he'll probably need to push me to do the things I like, instead of always doing the things he likes (or else, after a while, I might start to need some orange juice ;)....and a surprise from him every once in a while (like every month or two, even just a little note) would keep me totally crazy about him.........but the Elway jersey would be a start....  :) :) :)

If I decided to try the online dating thing ever again, this might be a good profile.  I'm so not into it, though.  I have recently realized a husband is not on my bucket list.  Sorry, bros...just not a priority anymore....but if they want to hang as friendsies...or go fishing, or play catch...I'm game.  I have so much to learn.....

"You have Attention Deficit Disorder." Great. Now tell me something I don't know....

When reading the information I have shared below, one might question why I would share such intimate details with...everyone.  I feel vulnerability is powerful.  We are all human.  We can learn from one another.  I also feel there are certain things that should remain mostly private, at least until they have manifested into some kind of positive action.  There are many details that I have not, and will not, share, at least for now.  However, someone else might be experiencing some of the things I have or am experiencing.  So often we keep the best parts of ourselves under lock and key.  Self discovery, believe it or not, cannot happen simply within or by ourselves.  It is through other people sharing their stories, their vulnerability, that we learn what to forgive about ourselves and/or others and let go, what to fight to keep, and what we have in our control to change.  If you choose, for some reason, to use what I share with you against me in some way (whether externally by gossiping, or internally, judging me or even rejecting me) well, that will just have to be your problem.  I choose not to make it mine.     

Not many people know this, but the past few weeks I have began long term psychotherapy, and, as part of that, I have been taking part in an evaluation for Attention Deficit Disorder.  I should have realized where this was headed when, with my permission, a team of clinical psychology graduate students and clinical psychologists have jumped on board and taken an interest in my story/evaluation/treatment plan.  (I get a whole team!)  Today, I found out the final verdict of the evaluation.  I have Attention Deficit Disorder.  Okay.  So, tell me something I don’t know....

Well, they did.  We went line by line, and I figured out where some of my highest percentage of atypical behavior occurs.  Some of those include switching tasks (or actually beginning new tasks/projects/assignments), any repeated response or task (mundane or daily tasks)  (Sidenote:  I actually became distracted if there was even as little as a 5 second delay between responses requested...5 seconds!  Haha...yowza.  That explains a lot.), seeing one task or thought through to completion (often causing interruptions in my own or others’ lives), organizing information, and (big shocker) sensory distractions.  They obviously used better terminology to describe it, but that is what I remember off the top of my head.  Some good information I learned:  impulse control is not a problem for me.  I always thought that was one of my biggest issues.  Turns out, that one was all in my head.  That is good news.  The truth, I’ve probably always had ADD.  It’s part of my chemical makeup, and these behaviors have been part of me as long as I can remember.  The truth, I’ve never really believed in the diagnosis.  So why go through the evaluation?  Well, I know that I have come up with every adaptive device on my own, as a child, and now as an adult, to gain more focus and discipline, and they just aren’t working anymore, or maybe they never did in the first place.  Or, perhaps, I have just grown tired of excuses, apologies, justifications, and backdoor ways of working things out.  I am tired of always working on deadlines that have come and gone.  I’m always behind.  I can’t fake my way, or talk my way, or charm my way through Grad School...and I don’t want to.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  It’s time to figure it all out, construct a game plan, and work towards becoming the best possible version of myself.  People say, okay, just do it then.  Haha.  No offense, but what do you know?  I try.  I try harder than anyone you probably know.  I’ve been trying, and fighting myself, and trying harder, and getting so unbelievably discouraged throughout so much of my life.  Most of this battle has been private.  Sometimes, it has come out through my irritability, or even my silliness.  Those people who have been closest to me for longer periods of time, or on a more intimate level, have known my battle well.  I would hate that they knew, and become reprehensible at times.  I could beg their forgiveness now, I suppose, but we all are reprehensible at times for different reasons.  I think we’re all pretty even.  No blame, no apologies, no drama needed.  I’ve seen it in them as much as they’ve seen it in me.  The past is the past.  Nothing I can do to change any of it.  What I need is a chance to let go of the past.  What I need is action now, in the present.  What I need is a plan that is actually realistic for my desired outcomes, taking into consideration who I am and how I work.  The plan must include a great deal of structure and accountability.  A plan.  Wait, doesn’t a plan for people with ADD usually include medication?       

When I began this process, the thought of medication is actually what stirred me on.  I might actually be able to get help.  I might be able to fix....me, and pretty quickly and easily, too.  I asked lots of questions of people who are currently taking medication, or who have in the past.  I looked everything up online (whether a viable source or not) and in medical journals.  I was ready to maybe actually believe in it.  I found myself, in the first couple of weeks of school, wondering what I would be able to accomplish in a day if I started taking Aderall (or equivalent).  I found myself getting more and more irritated when things would start slipping through the cracks, thinking ‘Why can’t they just give me trial pills now, before I fail and/or get fired and it’s too late?‘  I even considered acquiring medication in a backdoor way through friends.  Not cool.  Lots of crazy little thoughts going through my head as I was working my tail off, and probably working at 60% efficiency at best (subconsciously utilizing those old adaptive devices the best I could).  The stress of beginning (and handling the abrupt end) of an important relationship, plus beginning long term therapy (for the first time ever, finally talking through some trauma I’ve experienced throughout my life), and starting a new job, and classes....I needed a break, or a leg up, or just some freaking Aderall, for Pete’s sake.  I was holding on, but not for long.  I could see the inevitable meetings, begging forgiveness and offering to work twice as hard if need be to complete tasks/assignments with my boss and/or professors, looming in the not so distant future.  It all was proving to be more than I could handle.  Or maybe not...

A little disclaimer here:  If you use these medications to which I am referring, please keep in mind, I’m not generalizing or patronizing you here.  When I am talking about the medication, I am talking about it as it pertains to me, specifically.  Do what you feel is best for you.  I am doing what I feel is best for me.  After discussing my options with the group of professionals who handled my evaluation, we have all come to the same conclusion, I will not be taking any medication for Attention Deficit Disorder.  In short, for me, medication is an external stimulant.  Outcomes from it do not actually come from anything within me.  I do not desire to ever feel I need it.  I do not desire to use it as an excuse.  I know that these things might happen if I begin to take medication.  I do desire to take complete ownership of my progress.  The only way I feel I can do that is to not introduce external chemical stimulants as part of my treatment plan.         

I have been a fighter my whole life.  I’m not sure I have given myself much credit for how much fighting I have actually had to do for my own life.  I’m tired.  However, fighting is in my nature.  It’s who I am.  I can’t help it.  Unfortunately, that means if I feel I am not fighting, I find something or someone, however unhealthy, in which to channel that fighting energy.  When I contextualize it, I realize so much of my energy/fighting has been...wasted.  Usually, it’s a fight for someone else, whether for them to gain resources, gain self-knowledge and self-esteem (but it’s usually someone who is not open or does not desire to change), or maybe a fight for a marginalized group (one I may or may not be part of).  Sometimes, it can be fighting a poor system in place, or fighting the powers that be if I feel solid leadership is lacking.  Sometimes, it’s a pronounced, outwardly fight.  Other times, it’s quiet, internal, or even *gulp* passive aggressive.  That all just sounds exhausting now.  But, I do know fighting is in my nature, so instead of ‘fighting‘ or trying so hard to change that part of me, why not use it to my advantage?  Why not take tangible steps to learn when to fight (appropriating my time efficiently), and how to fight (appropriating my energy effectively), and who to fight (something/someone actually in my control) with a specific goal in mind?  All those means and reasons for fighting above translate to things I actually cannot control.  I have been spending a majority of my life fighting systems/things/people that I cannot control.  No wonder I am so frustrated.  I have also used those fights as a smoke screen so that I don’t have to handle or take care of the one thing I do have control over....me.

Okay, so now what?  Well, now the real journey begins, the real work.  I have a team of educated professionals (in which I include my professors, my boss, etc, although they are involved on a more indirect level as far as treatment is concerned; there is only so much they need to know), and I have an amazing God who speaks to me regularly, and desires to guide me through a peaceful life (if only I’m willing to actually listen and follow Him), and I have a wealth of resources through friends and acquaintance who have knowledge and discipline in the areas where I need work.  We, myself and the educated professionals, are in the midst of constructing a tangible treatment plan for me that includes achieving financial knowledge and discipline, acquiring and maintaining attention/organization strategies, improving interpersonal relationships within my family, and exposing and confronting past traumatic experiences.  Normally, that would freak me out.  Normally, just the thought of it would exhaust/exasperate me.  Normally, I would eventually run for the hills.  Normally, I would keep doing the same thing over and over, because it’s comfortable and what I know.  Well, what I would normally do doesn’t work for me anymore.  I want better.  I am willing to work.  The frustration I will inevitably experience through this process (change can often be painful, uncomfortable, and scary) will actually lead to outcomes in which the benefits outweigh the pain of the process.  That is progress.  I already experience frustration, pain, despair, and discomfort on a regular basis.  Now, I can use it to focus on the clearly outlined, intended outcomes.  I can use that fighter within me for positive change within myself (that can only correlate to positive change in my outward environment).  I can  continue working (both inwardly through Christ, and outwardly, utilizing my resources of time/people/technology/money in an effective way).  I can learn.  I can change.  I can grow.  I can do this.  I will do this.  “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”