I am starry eyed....

...and vaguely discontented.

That's a lyric from a song from the musical "State Fair". I think it's perfect. My favorite word to use recently is - obsolete. I think it's amazing how you can feel completely confident one day...like nothing can touch you, and you're potential is endless. However, the very next day, you could end up second guessing yourself and what you have to offer the world you've created for yourself. It's not as if anything changes, but something must have for you to feel so different. Sometimes, it's a matter of being hungry or tired...never a good time to self-evaluate. I think there's a big difference between thinking of yourself, and self-evaluating. I think we could all learn so much from one another, if we would stop taking everything so personal. Is constructive criticism really possible anymore? I hope so...it seems to be a great way to stay accountable. If I were really honest with myself, I would realize I spend so much time talking about accountability, and a lot more time side-stepping it in my own life. Who wants to think about the daily decisions they might be making to hinder God's blessings in their lives? Oh, I think about them all the time...I just don't change them. I am not intentionally thinking about each decision I make, some of which I know, eventually, leads down a path of destruction, if I let it get that far. It gets tiring to think about each decision. If I worked on my heart, and the innermost parts of me, and also intentionally focused on daily decisions, eventually it would become habit to live a life of excellence. It's always hard work to get back to the basics of anything. It's just like in basketball. If you work on fundamentals, and you work on endurance...when it comes time for the game, you will be ready...even if you haven't worked on any plays yet. When you add the plays in after making sure everyone is almost flawless with fundamentals, and everyone is in tip-top shape...you're going to win championships. The way I see it, there are two emotions that fuel decisions we make; there is love, and there is fear. I do not always fuel my decisions with love, but instead, allow fear to take over and guide me. What am I so scared of anyway? If God is love, than I wish to be love, too. To be love doesn't mean to be loved. I forget that a lot, and that's usually when fear takes over. Intentional is another good word. If you're not intentional...what's the point? It seems to me if you are intentional about living a life of excellence, you will unintentionally bless others without even realizing it's happening...because that wasn't your initial intention. To bless others without noticing would be fantastic, but it would be a scapegoat for me because the reason I wouldn't want to know, is because then it would be easier to be humble. However, are you really humble if you don't even realize you are doing something to be humble about? Isn't it more to understand some impact you're having and be able to smile and say "Isn't God good?" These thoughts crowd my mind, but not when fear is at the wheel. I drove myself into a ditch of self-pity last night...weeping and asking God to show me what I can do so I can stop making myself so miserable all the time. I stopped crying, wiped my eyes, took a hot bath and went to bed, again, understanding that when I am tired, it's probably not the best time to self-evaluate. God said that weeping may endure for the night, but His joy comes in the morning...I decided to take Him at His word. I woke up this morning and read His word, and of course, God spoke peace into my heart. I am not a completely different person, I just choose to accept God's love knowing it will only help me to be better for others. This morning I woke up and realized how loved I was, and how good it feels to find sanctuary in that love. This morning I wished that love for all the people I know...especially the ones my fear drives me to believe deserve it the least. ,

nothing said

oceans and seas crazy dreams coloring schemes hearts that bleed holding hope flowers of soap suds and buds on the remote get in the boat flying high azul's a fool and so am i blame the sky too rich to die the pool is red kids are fed mercy's med nothing said time for bed.

Thank you, Gerald Ford

I sit in my living room, as I have many times before…contemplating. I am watching the funeral of Gerald R. Ford taking place in Washington. I know he will be laying in repose in Grand Rapids this evening, and I would love to be there. I realize as I sit here that the part of me that wants to be there is the part of me that craves adventure. I know it would be an honor to witness a part of history, and to be able to say I was there to see it. I know it would fill me with a great sense of responsibility to consider what I am doing to make this nation and this world a better place. However, the maturing part of me realizes that I already have that burden of responsibility laid upon my heart while sitting here watching the funeral on television. As I listen to past and present leaders speak on the integrity and humility of Gerald Ford, I am pressed to consider my own integrity and humility. I realize that the resources of my time, money, and energy that would be used to go to Grand Rapids today and stand in line to pay my respects to the former President might be better spent fulfilling my obligations here to my church, my family and my community. Even as I write this, I regret the decision to stay slightly because I know I am the type to get in my car and just go knowing that whatever happens it would be worth whatever sacrifice I need to make to be there. I’m sure it would be worth it. I know it would be, to see the 21 jets fly over the Grand River, to see the coffin with the American flag draped over it, to stay a couple of days and see old friends. However, I know with a little planning and patience, the trip could mean far more to me. Sacrifices will still be made financially and with respects to time, but it will be worth it. If I go next week, I can privately visit the place where Gerald R. Ford will be laid to rest, and tour the museum that I have walked through numerous times, in honor of the late President and his wife. I can plan visits with many friends, so I can make sure I see everyone I want to see, and work hard while I am here so I can stay a few days without too many responsibilities missed here. It just makes more sense. I have never been one to do the sensible thing. I tend to follow my heart and ignore the voice in my head. However, I realize now that you can hold onto convictions in your heart and heed the warnings in your head, and serve people more effectively. I think Gerald Ford understood that balance more than most. He served God and his country and his family with a humble heart and sensible disposition, never losing the passion that drove him to serve. I proudly sit in my living room today and vow to strive to do the same. Rest in peace, Gerald Ford, thank you for the lessons I have learned, even through your passing. May God have mercy on us all.