So many times we think that life is too complex, and we’re always trying to think about it on a different level than what’s right in front of us. What if life is so easy we’re foolish to try and think about it another way? What if we have one task, and because we do not look harder at the things we do every day, we miss it? What if it all happens just as it should no matter what we do? What if we are here and gone and it doesn’t even matter? Would that take the pressure off, or make us feel insignificant? I think I like to create different characters because I feel in the world we create on stage, that character has significance, no matter how small the role, there’s still a role. I can put everything I have into that character because I know they only exist for a moment; then they are gone. If I put that much energy into every moment of the character I am, I would be exhausted. I am exhausted. Sometimes I feel like I try so hard to do nothing. I feel I should be doing something other than what I’m doing, but I don’t do it. When I feel like I’m doing something I should be doing, I find it hard to keep it going because it takes all of me. I don’t know how to delegate my energy. I only know what I’m doing right now is taking all of me, but my mind tends to go to other places. I wish I could be more responsible. I know I could be anything I wanted. I could work at it and become it over time. The problem is I’m not sure exactly what it is I want to be. Sometimes I just like to sit here and do nothing. There’s no failure in that, or any success. It’s not complacency because my mind is reeling, and I’m learning about myself in that moment. When I’m not doing, I’m being, and seeing things for how they are, seeing me for who I am. I lie to myself sometimes about who I am. Sometimes I want to believe I’m a horrible person, most times actually. When I think I am an okay person doing the right thing, that’s when I know I am in trouble because I know I am deceiving myself. I am dust. I am also a child of God, created by Him, for Him. I know it is He who dwells in me and keeps me alive. It is not because I am a good person. It is not because I have done great things or kept myself safe that I am alive. It is because God wants me to be alive. I am not entitled to anything, punishment or reward. It is Christ who took the punishment and deserves the reward...Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Just Write...and See What Happens

So, that's what I'm going to do, just start writing. I realized something today as I looked at old pictures and thought about stories that I've told a hundred times about crazy things I've done. It's been a while since I've lived a good story. When I was in Grand Rapids, I was constantly meeting new, interesting people, doing spontaneous things, and learning as much as I could in the process. Lately, I've just been getting from one day to the next, not really pushing for anything new and intriguing. I think part of me really needed the break, living that lifestyle can be exhausting. However, I think there's part of me that needs a little bit of mystery and excitement to keep things fresh. Don't get me wrong, I have met tons of new people, even this semester. I just haven't really gone out of my way to get to know them, like I usually do. I love to go home, turn on my Christmas lights, light the candles, and make something to eat. That's been my recent favorite thing to do, no matter how late it is. I really enjoy living alone. Especially with such a wierd sleeping pattern. I can fall asleep at ten, wake up at two, stay up until six, and then sleep until eight. It's really wierd. Some nights I won't go to sleep until four in the morning, other nights I crash at nine, and won't wake up until ten. That's why it is nice being in school and working odd hours. I can sleep in until ten if I need to, but I can also wake up early and get a few hours in the church before class, or workout. I need my sleep. That is something I have realized more this semester than ever. I never realized how much I wasn't sleeping. I don't feel guilty about sleeping in because chances are, if I can't wake up, it's because I woke up a few times during the night and didn't sleep well. When I get enough sleep I am ten times more productive than when I don't. Unfortunately, during weeks like this one, waking up early is a must, no matter how I slept the night before. I have, like, five papers to write by tomorrow, but my schedule is completely full, so the papers will have to be done in the cracks. You know, so many people get frustrated with themselves for procrastinating, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Rather than spend hours or days throughout the semester trying to start papers, I can spend a few days cramming it all in, and still getting A's on all my papers. Why would I do it differently? I don't even think about a paper until a few days before it's due, then, I don't usually do it until that day. One of these days I'm sure it's going to catch up with me, but it hasn't yet, so I'm not going to worry about it. I actually have to go to class right now. It's my geography class and I have to present my paper for extra credit. It's my last gen. ed...woohoo! I'm so ready to be done with school, but I am appreciating all the resources while I'm here. I absolutely love learning. I just wish it didn't take so much time, and so much reading! I love to read, but not if I have to read a paragraph five times just to take it in. I better get going...another thing I've learned to enjoy is being on time. Later.

Swimming

Swimming Swimming The surface tide. Afraid of the deep, of what's deep inside. Thank goodness for the Spirit who lives within me; helps me to swim through the deep blue sea.

Cowardly Lion?

You know what? I’m tired of cowards. I continue to meet men, and some I actually get to know, but for what? I know I’m not the most consistent person, I know that. However, sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns and go after what you want. Maybe it’s all been a blessing in disguise, in order for me to have the chance to meet the man who will have courage enough to take a chance on someone who has so much to offer. The sad part is, there have been men in my life who have absolutely adored me, and have taken a chance by telling me so, and I have not returned those feelings, but at least I let them know that from the beginning. I’m not speaking of a specific instance, or even anything recent. Well, maybe some recent things, but nothing really substantial. Apparently, enough to cause me to be frustrated enough to write this blog, though. When I actually take time to think about it, however, I have passed on some great men I have met, but never took the time to get to know. There was Brandon, the young man who helped me sneak into the Bush Dinner in Grand Rapids, when GW was first running for President. He was very important to the Republican Party at that time, and I wouldn’t doubt if he has worked his way towards the top by now. He asked me out after the whole volunteer experience was over. I totally blew him off. Why? I can’t even remember…I think I might have thought he was too quiet or willing to settle for campaign manager instead of running, himself. I never called him back. I saw him many months later. He came into the dealership I worked at with his little brother. It was the cutest thing, the way he was with his brother. It was obvious he had been intrigued by me, so why didn’t I at least give him a chance? At the dealership I said hello and apologized for blowing him off. He barely spoke to me, and left without saying good-bye. I deserved that, for sure, and felt more attracted to him in that moment than ever before. Then, there was Erion. Eri was from Albania, and I met him in my Political Science class when I was a freshman. By the end of the semester we had talked over many lunches, and he even gave me his big wool sweater he was wearing on that last day of class. I said “I like your sweater…GIVE IT TO ME!” Just kidding, of course. Next thing I know, he throws the sweater onto my desk. I throw it back, naturally, it was a wool Eddie Bauer sweater, obviously very expensive. He threw it back and said, “it is worth more to me knowing that every time you wear this sweater you will think of me.” Oh my gosh, I’m a moron. Even writing this, I realize I’m a moron. I think he had a “kind of” girl back home, though, in Albania. He would go back in the summer and work in the orphanages there. Seriously, he’ll probably be President one day, of Albania. I never saw him again, until once at the end of the next semester, his time here was almost up, and the unmistakable sparks flew between us again. I remember when I finally got up the courage to search him out in his dorm…he had moved out the day before. Then, there was the intellect I met at Barnes & Nobles not long after that. You would think I would have learned my lesson with Brandon, unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. I worked in the children’s section in the evening, and he had come in a couple times and we talked. He asked me for my number, and I gave it to him. When he called, I never called him back. I think I was intimidated by him…his intelligence. I also couldn’t figure out what we would have in common, but I didn’t even take the opportunity to find out. I saw him a few months later at Barnes & Nobles, and apologized to him, explaining exactly why I didn’t call him back, and also explaining that I knew he didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I’m glad I ran into him, so I was, basically, forced to apologize to him. He deserved at least that much. Then, we have Kevin. I met him when I decided to go to a Square Dance/Hay Ride with the ministry at Grand Valley. I didn’t know anyone, and just started talking to people, hoping it wouldn’t be completely excruciating. I actually got to know quite a few people on that trip, and had a really good time. I was sitting by the fire to warm up and literally ran into a guy sitting down. Seriously, it was straight out of a romantic comedy, (which have completely jaded me, by the way) and we struck up a conversation. We went out a few times, but I had no idea how to date somebody or what the heck was going on. We had some slightly romantic walks and talks, and it was nice. We never even kissed, but I just stopped calling him. He kinda reminded me of my dad…I think that was part of it. I think we both kind of realized that we didn’t have those kinds of feelings, but he at least deserved an explanation or something. There are more really great guys, wow, a lot more than I realized now that I’m thinking about it. I, at least, learned to be honest and up-front, and give them some sort of explanation. You know, after writing these stories, I realize that I’m getting exactly what I deserve. Almost every ex-boyfriend has come to me after we have broken up, whether by my choice or theirs, and said that I’m the one, they realize that now. What is that? Most of them, I broke up with them, but a couple left me no choice (I tried to warn them;). And now, it’s the guys I date that usually stop calling me. You know what I just realized? I think, with a few of them, it’s because I wouldn’t sleep with them. How could I not realize that before? That’s really sad if that’s the reason. I know I have the potential to be a great lover…really. If they would just be a bit patient, they would have the chance to experience that, after they choose to accept and appreciate all the other things I have to offer. Recently, I have been set up with one guy who ended up going to trial because he slept with his high school students (crazy!) and another who doesn’t seem interested to even get to know me. Again, it’s probably a blessing in disguise. I never planned on allowing anyone to set me up, but they seemed so persistent about these gentleman. I think I’m done with the set-up game for now. Besides, because none of these things have really worked out, God has had a chance to work on me as a woman. I’ve had the chance to figure out what brings me joy and breaks my heart. I have grown in class and character…and actually appreciate who I am. I’ve also had the chance to love Christ with my whole heart, with no distractions, and find out what it feels like to completely trust Him, before I give part of my heart to a man. I know, now, what kind of wife I want to be, and I know it will be pleasing to God, and pleasing to my husband. I know that I might never get married, and I have accepted that, with peace. I have moments, obviously, just look how I started this blog. It’s amazing how God speaks to my heart through my own words, and reminds me of what is real, what is love, and what is worth the wait, even if it’s just waiting to go to Heaven and give my love to Christ. I’m sure glad Christ isn’t a coward. Maybe I’m the coward.

why is it?

why is it... girls always use halloween as an excuse to dress kinda scandalous? even girls who normally don't dress like that have a tendency to tramp-up, i mean doll-up, for halloween. i've never understood it... why is it...driving in bay city or saginaw always turns me into the devil? i could be doing fine, singing along to the radio, and BAM! suddenly i'm throwing my hands up in the air, and staring at the "I Love Jesus" air freshener hanging from my rear view mirror to remind me who i stand for, and reminding myself that i have probably unintentionally pissed a few people off while driving like a maniac... why is it...when i know something or someone is probably not good for me, suddenly i find myself thinking of it more and more...now that's just stupid... why is it...whenever something smells gross, we always want someone else to smell it, too? why is it...i always choose the day i have the most obligations to take off and do what i want? why is it...we are intrigued or think someone is cool if they like "different" stuff? you like what you like, how does that make you ratable, or datable? why is it...every time i make plans, i immediately want to break them? why is it...the "pretty people" always seem to hang out in big groups of other "pretty people"...it's almost like a cult of the gorgeous people...every pretty person is invited, even if they're an idiot why is it...i can manage to say the wrong thing at the wrong time all the time? why is it...i feel nothing is impossible, yet i sit and do nothing most of the time, because i'm afraid that nothing is impossible why is it...i try to fix everything all the time...so i end up talking way too much? why is it...2 o'clock in the afternoon and i feel like i've accomplished nothing? boo!!

days go by

just sittin' here thinking of days that go by that i will never remember ever again somehow i can't help but feel what happens on those days is still significant somehow or else what's the point? or is it up to me to make them significant somehow

Get the ball rollin....

I don't know why I stop writing sometimes. I think I fear being accountable to my own words. Or, by the time I write one thought, it changes. This is what I want today: I want to be a better person to get a tattoo a cappucino someone to want to be with me, but not expect me to be with them any financial burden lifted the Tigers to win a big, fluffy couch for my living room it to be 60 degrees outside to watch a movie and eat a big bucket of popcorn a phone a standing ovation to make someone feel good about themselves to cry....but i'm not sure why

Beauty for Ashes

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has annointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners (blind), to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." -Isaiah 61:1-3 do not deserve a crown of beauty, comfort, gladness, praise or even release from the darkness that surrounded me for so long...but God has decided to give me these things. It is for His splendor that I have been planted-and for His splendor that I choose to carry on from here and accept these gifts that have been so freely given to me. It is not a burden to live each day for the Lord - it is a blessing I do not deserve. It is not fear that should drive the decisions I make - it is God's love in me. It is not by my power that I rise every morning with new strength and rest my head every night with peace undisturbed. It is through my weakness that God's power is made perfect. It is by His grace and mercy that I sit here and smile. It is His forgiveness that allows me to feel free enough to forgive others. His love pursues me at all times no matter how far I run. My desire is to love like He loves me. It is for His splendor. It is for His glory. I will not grieve for myself - I cannot change decisions already carried out. I can rise today and decide to accept this crown of beauty that is being offered to me. If I am going to do so apprehensively, it is best for me not to take it at all. I pray for God to help me not be timid about what He is offering me. "Do not be wise in your own eyes." -Proverbs 3:7

A Much Bigger Plan

I find myself sitting lately...contemplating. I look out the window and see the blue skies and realize I need to be outside. I go outside and stand, forget why I went out there, and come back in again. You would think I would believe that I am being punished, but I don't. I sit and stare and don't feel happy or sad, just caught in a moment. I breathe evenly and think about my future. If I am not careful with myself, I could get carried away on the wings of despair. The Spirit within me whispers peace before my tears find a place to rest. I am whole again. I was hoping for a thyroid problem, or maybe a glitch, because that would mean having children of my own was still a possibility. Now, I wait on the Lord to show me where I'm supposed to go from here. I had plans of my own, to some degree. Now, I wait on the Lord to show me a much bigger plan.

Money, money, money

so much has happened...not really, but kinda...what? they say money doesn't make you happy...i just want one chance to prove that :) i see the things that all my friends are doing and it all costs money. i could easily become envious and bitter, but i have something much sweeter than anything you could ever buy. do i occasionally lose focus and wish for things and experiences of this world? absolutely! sometimes, i wish i were cooler...isn't that ridiculous? some of my friends are just the coolest people, and i am so...awkward. i realize that is how God intended me to be...and celebrate. i wish i could go see broadway musicals, or just regular local plays, and concerts and sporting events and go out to dinner and see movies regularly and just breathe for once without wondering if today is the day when it all catches up with me. i would love all those things very much. i would love convenience through technology, a laptop, a digital camera, heck, a cell phone. i would love to go on a vacation without the responsibility of having 200 teenagers with me, or visit another country whether through a missions trip or just to be there. i would love to be able to afford to adopt a child or take in teenagers as foster kids. i would love to drive my car to grand rapids to see my friends for a weekend more than once a year. i would love to take several dance classes and voice lessons and drum lessons and guitar lessons and piano lessons. i would love to work in ministry and not have to worry about finances. i would love an apartment so i could unpack my stuff. i would love to have extra time to coach a basketball team, or direct a play for teenagers. i would love to go to the dentist and take care of my teeth, and get braces. i would love to go to the doctor when i am sick, and take care of much bigger health needs. i would love to have full-coverage on my vehicle. i would love to buy a swimsuit and go to the beach and play beach volleyball with a big group of people, and barbeque burgers and hot dogs, i would love to go on a jet ski, or water ski, or swim with the dolphins sometime. i would love to visit my family and friends in colorado for a whole week. i would love to pay all my debts and even add a little extra to each one for taking so long. i would love to help someone else pay a debt, get a car, fix their house, go to school, fulfill their dreams. one thing at a time.... first, i will pray and thank God for all i do have...i am blessed...i am so blessed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!! this is my second favorite day of the year!!

shards of glass

as tragedy unfolds around me i realize it's happening to everyone except me and i feel guilty for being sad trying to feel sorry for myself but i can't unfold the rosebud with my clumsy hands i've always hated my fat fingers i am a bud everyone's bud we should never feel guilty about compassionate companionship and i thought i had a much bigger gift

Sweet Serenity

It's kind of a funny title, considering I'm in Indiana for 8-9 hours of intense training per day for nine days. I just got here to Huntington University and the campus is gorgeous. It's beautiful weather, so I'm going to unpack my stuff and take a walk before dinner. I haven't met my roomate yet, but I'm sure God has everything worked out, as usual. It's going to be tough sitting through some of the training, but it's going to be sweet to gain all the knew knowledge about Youth For Christ, meet some amazing people, and spend some alone time with God in this beautiful place. Ah, sweet serenity.....

How's That Workin' For Ya?

Dr. Phil's been known to ask the question often...and, actually, it's a good question. I know...right? I've been asking myself that question lately and came to some great conclusions. ~some of the people i surrounded myself with on a daily basis, were actually sucking the life out of me, and poisoning me, rather than encouraging me to be a better person ~there are too many other relationships in my life already that deserve to be nurtured, that have been ignored for too long ~walking away doesn't mean you failed, it means you've grown and can recognize that the battle is not worth losing the best parts of you, even if you have to leave some people behind ~the best thing to do to avoid bitterness is to forgive, even if it's just yourself you have to forgive, and recognize the positive things that have come out of a situation, even if it's just a few lessons you've learned and can take with you to the next adventure ~I am not above anyone, everyone deserves respect (and not just when they earn it)...however, people will treat you as bad as you let them ~It is a battle, every day, not to allow frustration, disappointment, anger or bitterness to take root in my heart from different situations in my life, but it's worth the fight, and love always wins ~no matter what, if God is put first, things will work out, and there will be a reason to smile ~don't ever be afraid to sit, quietly, with yourself, and ask the tough questions...you'll be happy you did, no matter how hard the truth is sometimes and, this tough one: ~no matter who you are or what you do, there is going to be somebody who doesn't like you, and, sometimes, you just have to give yourself a break, and realize that's just the way it's going to be...

1,2,3,4,5,6....Wierd

Today at 2 minutes and three seconds after 1 o'clock, the date and time will read as follows: 01:02:03 04/05/06 it will never, ever happen again....pretty crazy, man. i think i need some sleep....

Whaat?!

I've always been one to appreciate great conversation;) Professor: Since you weren't in class, you get to post your story first...I need you to post a 7-10 page paper on blackboard tonight by midnight. Me: What? Professor: It's crucial for your grade. Me: What is it supposed to be about? Professor: Be creative Me: Sure, I'll get right on that..... Boss man: I know you don't start until the summer, but I need a few things from you this week that are very important. Me: This week? Boss man: Preferrably Wednesday...and, if you could get me those other things I asked for last week, that would be great. Me: Sure, I'll get right on that.... Christian Ed: So, Colleen, what exactly do you have planned for the next month in youth group? Me: I'm still working on next week. Christian Ed: Well...it would be nice to see the youth more involved...and, I would like you to be at some of our meetings with a game plan, the youth do the Easter breakfast, and there is a fundraiser that is done every year at this time by the youth... Me: I'm available in May Christian Ed: Actually, all of this needs to be done in the next couple weeks... Me: Sure, I'll get right on that... Another Professor: Colleen, I seem to be missing some of your assignments Me: Oh...I actually haven't turned them in yet. Professor: Hm...I think it's time for you to re-think your priorities Me: Actually, I was planning on doing that...but I don't have time Professor: Turn in your assignments by Thursday Me: Sure, I'll get right on that... Theatre Dept: Hey Pres. we have a meeting tomorrow, and inductions, plus we need to start our fundraiser today Me: Could you just disappear for, like, two days? Theatre Dept: No. Make sure you have everything you need for concessions, and attend the meeting to plead for allocations from SA tomorrow. Oh yeah, if you get a second, I could sure use some help on some other minor projects around the department...in fact, you're in charge of some of it. Me: Sure, I'll get right on that... Well, at least the play is going well....one thing at a time, right?

Aughhhhhhhhh!!!!!

"Stop the ride, I wanna get off!!!" Seriously, busy is an understatement (and so is your mom:) I feel like I'm on the Gravitron right now, and it just started spinning really fast and my seat is raising up and my head is being smashed against the cushion, and I'm trying to remember who told me this ride was fun, so I can punch them in the face when it's over. I will just keep my eye on May 1st, cuz that's when most of the craziness is over. Not that I won't enjoy the things I am doing now...if I wasn't, I shouldn't be doing them. Sometimes, though, it all stacks up, and you want to gouge your eye with a pencil, just to see the clear jelly stuff come out. Okay, so that was a little gross, but the jelly stuff is kinda cool. I can't write long...things to do. I feel like Stretch Armstrong right now. My new job has one arm, my professors have the other, "Oliver" has one leg, and Alpha Psi has the other, they are all pulling me as far as I will go, while the church keeps punching me in the stomach...my family is in my heart, and my social life is on my mind...and every once in a while someone kicks me in the butt, but they run away before I can turn around to see who it is. I better go...I think the ride is speeding up!!! Augghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could.......

I wish I could see the top of the sky fly down to the depths of the earth and feel the heat slowly make its way through my soul as I draw nearer I wish I could hear the angels whisper sweet lullabies to an unborn child and welcome home a tired, old man after a long battle with the world I wish I could touch the heart of every person I see and bring a smile to a stranger's lips because I am here I wish I could float on the water for days at a time without a care in the world and let the sun warm my face I wish I could know what it feels like to be everyone else so I would be less quick to judge and compassion would have more room I wish I could make it so I were never cold again and everyone got paid to get at least eight hours sleep I wish I could cry less and laugh more sing the night into day and write a love story for my children that would come true I wish I could stop time for just a moment so I could stare at all the people I love and memorize them I wish I could sit and not think get all my work done and have that be enough

ROCK ON!!

The kids in my youth group tease me 'cuz I always say "Rock on" about everything. Tonight, I said it like a million times. There was this band playing, and they pretty much rocked...80's style all night long. I am just wiped out right now...in desparate need of a shower...and dying of thirst...and it all totally rocks. I can already tell I'm going to be sore tomorrow, but it's sooo worth it!! Seriously, the band's name was "jedi...something, something" i don't really remember anything except the jedi part 'cuz "Return of the Jedi" was only one of the best movies ever! I danced and sang so loud, and most people were right there with me. I love it when everyone just throws their inhibitions to the wind, and decides to go completely crazy! I don't mean like doing stupid stuff, but just throwin' your fists in the air, singing at the top of your lungs, and not caring about who's next to you or what you look like. I really needed a night to just let go, no drinking or anything, I don't need that....just a pure adrenaline rush from the feel of the bass soaring through your soul. I'm definitely going to be sore tomorrow:). I'll probably be at the church from 8 in the morning to 7 at night. I definitely have some homework to catch up on (I'm still so freakin' behind, man, it's killin' me). I love working at the church...and I love hanging out with the kids. It's all good. I'm considering just staying up at this point. I have to be up in three hours anyway. All I have to say about tonight is rock on, man, ROCK ON!

I'd Rather Have Rabbits........

It seems, since I have returned from Illinois State and the American College Theatre Festival last week, that I have just been putting all of the items from my "must do" list into a hat, shaking them up, and pulling them out one by one, attempting to get as much done as I can. I don't think that is a very good system, but it was really the only way to stay sane. I have to go to Youth Group in a couple of minutes, and I still haven't planned anything for it...plus I have to sign kids up for the "Souper Bowl of Caring" lunch we are putting on next Sunday for charity. Right now, I would like to bury my head in my pillow and scream as loud as I can. I think I will. I don't think I'm much of a screamer...the noise that just came out of me was so ridiculous, it caused me to crack up laughing instead of screaming...better luck next time. It's funny cuz I'm not totally freaking out like I probably should be. Dude, what's the point? Seriously. As long as I had my devotion time today, which I did, I'm doing okay. Alright, let's see what's in the hat....."take a shower". Hm. Oh yeah, I have to go to Youth Group...I guess the shower will have to wait. I'm beginning to think that "take a shower" shouldn't be in the hat, it should just kind of be a given, like eating or sleeping. It's probably the easiest thing in the hat right now, though, so it stays. I hope I don't get it twice in a row...that would be kind of wierd. I better go...the things in the hat seem to be multiplying by the second....I guess that is kind of like rabbits. Peace.

Breaking Bracket Barriers

God is so good to me. Something about this past holiday season has brought about a change in me that can be described as nothing but extremely positive. Knowing that the new year was coming up, and resolution time was just around the corner, I decided to make a couple lifestyle changes around Thanksgiving, so that by the time the new year rolled around, I would already be well on my way to who I wanted to be. I realize that every day is a matter of perspective. I know that sounds silly, like something I should have realized before. I did realize it. In any given moment or circumstance I was very good at realizing that it was an attitude issue more than anything. I do believe one thing I am pretty good at is looking within myself to see what I can change or do differently, or how I am at fault, or what I can do to improve a situation. Thankfully, God is always working on my heart in that area. You can't change other people, but you can look within yourself. Sometimes, I have been accused of being too passive or too forgiving. Is there such a thing? I simply choose to pick my battles carefully. Unfortunately, when I decide something is worth fighting for, it's hard to back down, no matter how bad the odds look. I think people may have something to say about some of the battles I choose, as well. People will always have something to say about everything. That is another thing I have realized recently. You are never going to please everyone. Again, it's something I've heard before, but, for the first time, I've been a little forgiving of myself. I'm still growing and changing, and looking to better myself every day. However, I'm not constantly beating myself up anymore, and it feels pretty good. I realize if I say something I shouldn't, I apologize, or let it go, realizing that I can't take it back, I can only work on choosing my words more carefully next time. I finally understand that people are probably not thinking about me as much as I think they are. They are probably a lot like me and more concerned about what I think of them. All this focus on myself was not allowing me the time to love on people the way God intended. If I don't like myself, how can I encourage other people to love themselves, or how can I expect others to love me? Anyway, back to the perspective thing. I usually hate winter. I love that feeling in the spring of rejuvination and hope. I realize that both of those things live within me, or else how could I feel them in the first place? Why not transfer that feeling to the present circumstances? It worked! I can walk outside, bundled up, and have the same feeling that I do on that first day of warm weather in the spring. It's all a matter of perspective. I think it's also a matter of balance. You have to make an effort every single day to maintain balance in your life. That is balance physically, mentally, socially and spiritually. If you slack off a bit, don't beat yourself up, just do something to change it the minute you realize you are a bit off track. I am also careful about what I am putting in my body. I have been eating better and making great choices. It took about a month to establish good eating patterns, and it's not perfect, but it is much better, and I feel a big difference in my energy level, my mood, and my overall well-being. One of the biggest changes I have made is diving into God's word, everyday. It doesn't matter if I fully understand it or gain some insightful wisdom. I do some devotion questions, or I just read a story I am unfamiliar with. I have also read favorite verses, or read the gospel...again. God said His word never comes back void and I believe it! I didn't do it expecting these great things to happen to me, but the changes in me are unmistakable. I know that I am on a spiritual high, and at a very good place in all the other areas of my life. I also know that chances are very good that it will not last forever, With the changes I have made, however, I feel I am in a new bracket (kind of like your taxes), and when it balances out, I will still be a step above where I was before. A step closer to who God wants me to be. To God be the glory!!