Beauty for Ashes

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has annointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners (blind), to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." -Isaiah 61:1-3 do not deserve a crown of beauty, comfort, gladness, praise or even release from the darkness that surrounded me for so long...but God has decided to give me these things. It is for His splendor that I have been planted-and for His splendor that I choose to carry on from here and accept these gifts that have been so freely given to me. It is not a burden to live each day for the Lord - it is a blessing I do not deserve. It is not fear that should drive the decisions I make - it is God's love in me. It is not by my power that I rise every morning with new strength and rest my head every night with peace undisturbed. It is through my weakness that God's power is made perfect. It is by His grace and mercy that I sit here and smile. It is His forgiveness that allows me to feel free enough to forgive others. His love pursues me at all times no matter how far I run. My desire is to love like He loves me. It is for His splendor. It is for His glory. I will not grieve for myself - I cannot change decisions already carried out. I can rise today and decide to accept this crown of beauty that is being offered to me. If I am going to do so apprehensively, it is best for me not to take it at all. I pray for God to help me not be timid about what He is offering me. "Do not be wise in your own eyes." -Proverbs 3:7

A Much Bigger Plan

I find myself sitting lately...contemplating. I look out the window and see the blue skies and realize I need to be outside. I go outside and stand, forget why I went out there, and come back in again. You would think I would believe that I am being punished, but I don't. I sit and stare and don't feel happy or sad, just caught in a moment. I breathe evenly and think about my future. If I am not careful with myself, I could get carried away on the wings of despair. The Spirit within me whispers peace before my tears find a place to rest. I am whole again. I was hoping for a thyroid problem, or maybe a glitch, because that would mean having children of my own was still a possibility. Now, I wait on the Lord to show me where I'm supposed to go from here. I had plans of my own, to some degree. Now, I wait on the Lord to show me a much bigger plan.

Money, money, money

so much has happened...not really, but kinda...what? they say money doesn't make you happy...i just want one chance to prove that :) i see the things that all my friends are doing and it all costs money. i could easily become envious and bitter, but i have something much sweeter than anything you could ever buy. do i occasionally lose focus and wish for things and experiences of this world? absolutely! sometimes, i wish i were cooler...isn't that ridiculous? some of my friends are just the coolest people, and i am so...awkward. i realize that is how God intended me to be...and celebrate. i wish i could go see broadway musicals, or just regular local plays, and concerts and sporting events and go out to dinner and see movies regularly and just breathe for once without wondering if today is the day when it all catches up with me. i would love all those things very much. i would love convenience through technology, a laptop, a digital camera, heck, a cell phone. i would love to go on a vacation without the responsibility of having 200 teenagers with me, or visit another country whether through a missions trip or just to be there. i would love to be able to afford to adopt a child or take in teenagers as foster kids. i would love to drive my car to grand rapids to see my friends for a weekend more than once a year. i would love to take several dance classes and voice lessons and drum lessons and guitar lessons and piano lessons. i would love to work in ministry and not have to worry about finances. i would love an apartment so i could unpack my stuff. i would love to have extra time to coach a basketball team, or direct a play for teenagers. i would love to go to the dentist and take care of my teeth, and get braces. i would love to go to the doctor when i am sick, and take care of much bigger health needs. i would love to have full-coverage on my vehicle. i would love to buy a swimsuit and go to the beach and play beach volleyball with a big group of people, and barbeque burgers and hot dogs, i would love to go on a jet ski, or water ski, or swim with the dolphins sometime. i would love to visit my family and friends in colorado for a whole week. i would love to pay all my debts and even add a little extra to each one for taking so long. i would love to help someone else pay a debt, get a car, fix their house, go to school, fulfill their dreams. one thing at a time.... first, i will pray and thank God for all i do have...i am blessed...i am so blessed.