I Am That Girl

I just hopped on to add something to my blog, not sure what to write exactly, and found this draft that I had never actually published from back in April.  It's actually exactly what I needed to hear on this New Year's Eve.  It makes me a little sad to think that nothing has changed since I wrote this...that I still need to hear these words, my words, from so long ago.  Perfect post for today.  Happy New Year!


I forgot my computer cord at school, so I have 15 minutes to write before my computer goes dead.  Good.  I have a tendency to babble anyway, or take waaaay too long to write too few words.

I make excuses.  I do some things that I find myself telling my students not to do.  I don't do some of the things that I tell my students they need or should want to do.  I tell them 'I can't make you do anything.  I can't even make you want to do something.  I can do my best, but I can't make you do yours.  I can hold you accountable for your actions in my classroom, but if you do just enough to get by with a decent grade, or to fly under or just over the radar, I cannot push you one way or the other from there.  Where you go from this moment forward is entirely up to you.'  Maybe I should listen to myself every once in a while.  Well, I do.  Hence me writing this blog.

I make excuses about my time.  I make excuses about my attitude.  I make excuses about my physical health.  Spending a lot of time recently in one of my least favorite places, the hospital, has made me more aware of just how lucky I am to have this able body and sound mind.  I watched a man, a grown man, cry out to nurses because he was confused, and scared, and he just wanted to be able to walk to the bathroom himself.

Nobody can make me appreciate it.  Nobody can make me, or talk me into, utilizing both of those things to their fullest potential.  Nobody is going to hand me the answers, or make life better for me.  The worst thing I can do is nothing.

I have a body that is capable of going the distance.  I have a mind that can create, imagine, draw conclusions, analyze, and problem solve.  I have strength.  I have knowledge.  I have compassion and willpower.  I have people who love me, and I have people to love.  There is always somebody who needs me.  There are so many people who need somebody.  I have a God who has promised me that He will never leave, and I believe Him.  I have faith.  What I do with all of those things is entirely up to me.

I have an amazing job.  I do not believe it is what I am meant to do forever, but I do know it is where I am now.  Instead of agonizing over where I should be, what I should be doing, what I want to accomplish, where I want to go, I will be present...here.  If I can't, or won't, do everything with what I've got, why in the world should I expect anything more?  The conferences with parents and students tonight showed me why I am here.  Some of these kids are at a critical point...a turning point where a decision will be made what direction they go from here.  It is in their hands, it is up to them, and there is no way to rise up from here and be successful unless they work.  How can I ask them to do it, how can I teach them to do it, how can I show them how to do it if I don't do it?  I work hard.  I work too hard at some things, and not hard enough on a lot of the important things.  I want these children to be successful.  I want these kids to believe that they can be successful.  If I keep looking so hard at myself I am going to begin to lose sight of everyone else.  Little opportunities come up every day to bless a ton of people.  Nobody can make me do it.  Nobody can make me want to do it, and there is no way for me to rise up from here unless I work.    

WHEN WILL YOU REALIZE, VIENNA WAITS FOR YOU.

I am standing in my kitchen chopping fruit and veggies (not together, of course), and listening to select Billy Joel tunes on vinyl.  As “Vienna”, “Scenes From An Italian Restaurant”, “She’s Always A Woman”, and “Everybody Has A Dream” make their way to the kitchen, my mind finds a free moment to wander.  It’s nice, standing, chopping, listening, thinking.  Hopefully, if my mind has permission to run free now, it will allow me to stay focused when I sit down to get some plans hashed out for the weeks ahead.  My demeanor is calm, and my disposition is sunny.  Consequently, I hope the tupperware filled with various fruit and veggies is the beginning of a trail of good choices for the week.

So far so good with the new goals...or, actually establishing tangible goals.  I am succeeding in going against what I want to do and trying new things that I probably need to do to remain successful both in my personal and professional life.  I like how I list those two things as if they are separate....but they need to be, to some extent, in order to truly feel fulfilled....for me, at least.  You would think it is simply a case of mind over matter, but for me, it seems to be more a case of matter over mind...get up and do it before you have time to think it over.  It is not a matter of what I feel like doing, but more a matter of what I want to feel like, and doing the things that I know will get me there. 

Some thoughts that crossed my mind in the 40 minutes of washing, chopping, and distributing:  

~I have never been in love.  It didn’t make me sad to think of this thought.  It was truth and I like truth, no matter how painful, or trivial, or comforting it may seem at first.  I think falling in love is something you have to do on purpose, and I am not so sure that I have opened myself up to even allow the possibility.  It’s okay with me, for now.  I can’t help but wonder if I will hold out so long that my heart will eventually take over at the worst time and I will be left to wander, searching for something I think I have missed.  So, I will be open.  I will not prioritize it as of yet, but I will be open, even if it is just to save myself from what I would misconstrue as breaking free.

~”Everybody Has A Dream” sounds like Mike Brush singing, and sounds like the kind of song he would write.  A duet with Mike Brush and Billy Joel would be awesome.

~I need moments like this, chopping, listening, thinking.  There is always something to accomplish or finish.  In order to not become completely unhinged and need more than a few days to be alone and regroup, I need to stop, breathe, and listen.  I have found a secret today.  I can accomplish something even during those little breaks.  Preparing something that can only serve to help me through the week has also served to help me unwind.  It seems simple, but I am just figuring it out.  Perhaps something like this would not have served me the same purpose at a different season of my life.  Perhaps it would have.  I can’t even guess, so regret is useless in this regard.  I am who I am, I did what I did, it is what it is....if you can’t change it, why give it any more time or thought?  Learn your lessons and move on.  If you keep repeating negative behavior after you have come to certain conclusions about them, then there is obviously something deeper going on.  I certainly hope people are not afraid to dig deep.  I realize I need it to continue growing.  Moments like these allow me to grow.  I consider them crucial now.

~Before I started chopping, I read snippets of “The Vertical Hour”, a script by David Hare.  I desire to read through it entirely, and sit down with it for some time.  At first, I was afraid I was wasting time when reading scripts, or anything, for personal fulfillment.  I mean, I have scripts to find that can actually be used in the classroom or for a high school play, lessons to prepare, grades to put in, a set to build, technical theatre to learn, blocking to figure out, copies to make, e-mails to read and answer, supplies to organize and put away, things to reconfigure, etc.  So many times as teachers I think we forget to keep learning, for us...our benefit.  We’re so busy teaching, we forget to keep pursuing our own personal goals that have nothing to do with our career.  It was easy for me to say I was growing because everything I teach has something to do with something I love, theatre.  Instead, I should see it as, if I am personally progressing my own journey through theatre, it could only benefit my students.  The two become muddy because the content of study is sometimes the same.  I should find moments to memorize and workshop monologues, for me.  I should get physically fit, and adopt a healthier lifestyle, for me.  I should understand my limitations and not compromise that boundary, ever, for me.  If I do these things, it will naturally benefit the students I see every day.  I cannot choose to do those things for that reason, though, it must be for me.  That is the only way it will truly be fulfilling and make a difference.  It is muddy.  Sometimes I will just have to sit down and do something, defining it specifically as something for personal fulfillment.  I wouldn’t have to do that with every single thing, of course...I can still play in the mud.

Many other thoughts flowed through my mind as I stood in my kitchen.  My mind segues from one thought to another in such a strange chain of events and string of thoughts.  These were the big realizations that actually ended with some sort of conclusion or almost made it through the entire thought process.  

I am going for a walk on this beautiful evening, before I have time to realize I would really love to just sit on this couch and zone out to the TV instead until I look up and see a few hours have gone by, resulting in nothing, piggy backed by guilt.  I’m sure the walk will change my perspective, and I will have an entire new flow of thought by the end...maybe even about the previously mentioned ideas.  Hopefully, I have allowed my mind to wander freely enough to gain focus when I need it tonight, working towards how I want to feel....free, open, accomplished, focused, energetic and relaxed.  Here’s hoping I do not continue to do the same things over and over expecting a different result....here’s to change....even if it’s one thing, or just one thing at a time.      

      

Movies that just may ruin my life........

When Harry Met Sally....Pride & Prejudice....Bridges of Madison County....Roman Holiday....Dirty Dancing..............................the list goes on I'm sure, but I've already grown tired of this game.

Everyone Needs a Pal

Soooo....I have been wanting to write again....a lot.  Yet, I do not write.  It's cool.  I will.  Maybe not online...but I will write.  I feel like I'm finally getting myself back a little bit.  It only took a month of no school.  Well, I've been going into the school and working, but on my schedule, not on school time.  Well...I know that I have allowed myself to get way out of shape...physically, mentally, spiritually, socially....and I am just now starting to reclaim all of that again.  In hopes of reaching out for the first time to get help getting into shape, a friend led me to myfitnesspal.com, and so far it has been a great resource for me :)  I highly recommend it.

Here is an excerpt from my opening blog, introducing myself as a new member:

So, I'm new to this fitness pal thing, but I'm not new to the struggle of staying in shape. I began work as a teacher in August and ended up working 70-80 hours a week. Fast food and soda became my comfort, as well as my source of sustenance...bleh. I turned 30 and my body totally freaked out. I have lost all my core strength, and done something I told myself I would never do (started buying clothes *gulp* in a bigger size). I have seen a few family members and friends get sick recently, and begin to battle with old age. I realize how lucky I am to have a body that is able and a mind that is sound (for the most part;). I have a great relationship with God and want to honor that relationship by taking care of this body he has blessed me with....even though it doesn't feel like a blessing right now. I want to be an example for my students, as well as my family and friends. I want to find changes that are lasting, and changes that help me to be true to the person God created me to be. I saw this in a book recently: A woman loved how happy, carefree, and confident her aunt seemed to be, even as a single 'old maid' as everyone called her. After her aunt's passing, the woman found a diary where her aunt shared how she remained so carefree. She said every day she makes sure that she 1. Does something for someone else 2. Does something for herself 3. Does something that needs to be done but she doesn't want to do 4. Does a mental exercise 5. Does a physical exercise 6. Says an original prayer that includes counting her blessings. 

I plan on following this and seeing where it takes me. 

I know this is going to take more discipline and patience than I would care to have to exude. However, I am a 'Go Big or Go Home' all-or-nothing kind of person. I have just been going big on the cheeseburgers and lazy Saturdays. Now it's time to go BIG on these 6 new expectations mapped out for me :) Wish me luck!!!!

Destination Affirmation

We'd like to think we don't need it...but when it comes...maybe we should take it.  I take the grief, the constructive criticism, and sometimes tend to be my biggest critic.  If I'm going to take ownership on those things...then it is also my responsibility to take in these moments, right?  Well...if I have to...  :)


Excerpt from a senior profile:


"I am very proud of what I have achieved here at Saginaw Arts and Sciences Academy. I am thankful for people like Mrs. Nash, Mrs. Gutierrez, and especially Ms. Cartwright for pushing me toward a better future. Ms. Cartwright has shown me a whole new world with brighter surroundings and happier endings. (I'm getting a lump in my throat right now.) I will always cherish my memories I have here at SASA."


Well...that's makes two of us...with a lump in our throat...

Pillars of Salat

I can feel the people around me relying on me to be a pillar of strength.  I accept the task and do not take it lightly.  God is caring for me so I can care for others.  I know I do not need to be more than what I am able.  Problem is, I am one to test limits, especially my own.  I know that with Him all things are possible.  If I am meant to be a pillar of strength, God will make it possible.  I just need to keep coming to Him.    


Right now, though, in this minute, I feel like a pillar of moldy mashed potatoes.  


If He can turn water into wine, surely He can give me strength to get through another day.  


God is good.  

Constant lies

I have been wanting to write for some time.  I never seem to have enough energy left to do it.  I do not have energy now, but I don't know what else to do.  I am sitting in the hospital room of my uncle...ahhh room 306.  I shall remember this room forever, I think.


He is restless tonight.  Lord, give him peace.  Let him sleep.  I watch him sleep and it frightens me and calms me.  I can't tell if I am scared, worried, detached, or worse.....I might have too much of an understanding of what exactly is taking place.  I recognize that in this bed lies the one constant male figure in my life. 


I am too tired to continue writing.  I can't sleep, but I can't really do anything else either.  So, I sit.

this love, this hate

Hollywood Undead - This Love, This Hate


You know what I love and hate about theatre?


You can never be fully in control of it.  Whether you are an actor, director, whatever, someone else will dictate part of the show.  Everybody wants to be in control, but nobody can do it alone.  As an actor you need to succumb to the director's vision, and as a director you realize the actor's will only do what they choose to do, and can never really fully do what you see.  As a lighting designer, set builder, stage manager, producer, costume designer, whatever, you are never fully in control.  The audience always has some power in this, too.  What a strange equation.  It's fascinating.

I would like some chocolate....

and a glass of wine....and maybe a secret admirer.

So...my doctor gave me a prescription a few days ago...and I have found myself sitting down and watching three entire hallmark movies, at midnight, 3 in the morning, 9 am on a Saturday...enraptured...ever since.

I think my doctor and I need to have a talk.

More than anything....

I desire to be good.  More than being loved, appreciated, successful, healthy, or fortunate...I desire to be good.  Some people who know me quite well might find humor in this desire of mine simply because I have been known to be a bit of a rule bender...or demolisher, as the case may be.  I'm not really sure why I am that way, to be honest.  It feels like it comes from somewhere deep, and happens before I have time to really think a situation through.  I know that our flesh does not always give room for choosing to be good all the time.  I do not desire to use that as an excuse as to why I am not always good.  I can't help but feel that God can use these tendencies I have to rebel, ask questions, and fight for the greater good for His purpose.  Is there a greater good?  Is there something bigger than just being good?  Living a life of excellence sounds better than being good.  Being good makes me think of someone who always follows the rules.  What if the rules suck?  What if the rules tell you to do something that inside of you says is actually not good at all?  What if striving for excellence calls you to face the majority head on and say 'there must be a different answer'?

I do not desire to behave, but I do desire to be good.  

I heart...

I love that time of night or morning, when half the people have their headlights on and half do not....

I love when I drive past a store and they are obviously closed, and all is dark, except for the open sign in the window, which was left on and burning bright.  

I love God's grace...but I love His mercy even more.

I love gas stations that still have a full service pump.  I don't use the full service pump, but I love them.

I love to dance.

I love when I have told my class that we are in silent mode, somebody sneezes, and at least half the class takes the opportunity to say "bless you" at different intervals.  I give them all a look, but inside I'm smiling.

I love dropping into my bed, exhausted, after a full day of service, a long day of getting things done, or hard, physical, labor, or a great performance.

I love it when an actress goes up to announce nominees and winners at an awards show, and you know everyone is relieved that they are looking at the worst dressed for the evening.  

I love running yellow lights, especially when it turns red when I am only halfway through. (Terrible!)

I love making funny faces.

I love Helen Mirren, Goldie Hawn, Meryl Streep, Carol Burnette, Gilda Radner, Susan Sarandon, Cate Blanchett, Angela Lansbury, Betty White, Elaine Stritch, and Ethel Merman.

I love an empty stage...no audience, no actors, no lights...well, maybe a ghost light.

I love white Christmas lights.

I love when the sky turns a shocking color, like pink or maybe purple.  

I love turning the key in the lock, opening the door, and seeing my kitchen, just the way I left it.  I love coming home.

I love watching a student on stage, stopping them, giving feedback, getting up, watching them struggle through it, getting up again, trying something else, watching them try something new, cheering from the back, encouraging them to keep going, and watching that 'aha!' moment come to them, and seeing them get a reaction from the audience for the first time.

I love watermelon jolly ranchers.

I love when I don't get in my own way, and I actually have a really good time.

I love driving.

I love surprises.

I love reading autobiographies.

I love when I'm walking down the hall and I hear a little enthusiastic voice shout "Hi Miss Cartwright!" and turn to see an unfamiliar face smiling at me.  I don't know them, but I know they know me, so I smile and say hello.  It always makes my day.

I love a great pair of jeans, the perfect fitting t-shirt, a beautiful scarf,  and a stellar pair of heels.

I love passion.

I love roller skating.

I love a traditional dinner:  ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, green bean casserole, rolls w/butter, or spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread, or eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, and toast, or pizza, or chocolate cake, or pumpkin pie with whipped cream.

I love being enlightened...even if it means I have to admit I was wrong.

I love fashion magazines.

I love sunshine.