Don't Break a Heart...Break a Leg

Tonight my heart is racing, not from nervousness or fear, but racing with love and hope, a little sorrow and a great deal of mercy. We had our second audition tonight for "Frankenstein". I can honestly say I gave everything I had, and left anything I had left from the day on that stage tonight. All I wanted was a chance...the opportunity to show people what I could do, the opportunity to show myself what I could do. I was given the opportunity and rose to the occasion. What more can I ask for? After auditions, I had the familiar afterthought, wondering if it just wasn't enough, or wondering if it was too much. The thought was replaced quickly by the realization that everything happens as it should, I truly did my best, and there was nothing more I could do. Suddenly, I also remembered where I live. I live with homeless women. I walk past people every day, either on the street or in the halls, and I feel their pain, their hopelessness. Suddenly, what I was feeling was blessed, not stressed. I had the chance to be on stage tonight and lose myself in a moment, in a character, and come out a better person. I had the chance to feel that fire in my gut, the ache in my chest, the passion come alive and unfold before me, within me. I came home tonight and talked to one of our guests about her housing situation. I was supposed to help her move her few items into a new apartment tomorrow. She has been delayed another week. You could just see the anguish in her face. We will go tomorrow to get a few other things in order. You see, she doesn't have a car, either. I reminded her that she always has a place here, at this house, and that we are happy to have her however long it takes...words didn't seem to be enough tonight, but tomorrow is a new day, and she never stays down for long. She then told me that the other house guest we have went into the hospital tonight. She is 7 months along, and her baby has downs syndrome. She moved in with us to be closer to the hospital, and it's a good thing she did, the baby has fluid around his heart. If it is as bad as they think, she could have an emergency C-section tomorrow...so we will drop in to see her just in case. Then, I am off to a baby shower for my friend Melissa. Melissa was on bed rest for two months or so because there was a tear in her uterus, and the doctor's were worried about her safety. Abigail was born early and stayed in the NICU for a while. She is now almost two months old, and healthy, and mom is doing fine. Tomorrow I get to see Abigail for the first time. We are going to have one heck of a celebration! In the middle of all of this, I will stop by SVSU and check to see if my name is on the cast list. It seems trivial compared to all that is taking place tomorrow...but I know it is just as important, for it will determine my next move. If my name is not on the list, I know that my time and energy is needed elsewhere. If my name is on the list, I will work very hard to honor those who gave it their all tonight, and bring everything I have and everything I am to each rehearsal, making the most of the opportunity presented to me. I think deep down I know the answer, and I humbly say "well done" to all who are chosen. As I lay my head on my pillow tonight, my thoughts will turn to my brother, as they do each night. I picture him on a cot in a cell, and wonder if his blanket is warm enough. Nobody is beyond hope, nobody is beyond redemption. Nobody is so far gone that God can't reach them. Nobody. With that, I whisper a prayer of thanksgiving for God bringing me to a new place tonight, and a prayer of hope for everyone who is laying in bed, or sitting on a barstool, or curled up in a corner, or driving down the highway, clouded by fear and despair. I pray that the Son may begin to peek through the clouds as you get through one day at a time.

Standing Outside the Fire...but not for long

i know everything will make more sense tomorrow, after some sleep. i don't know why i'm still awake...i've been awake since 4:30 this morning. it was a long day of sitting, writing early morning messages, listening to instructions about how to communicate with guests in the house, taking a depressing tour around saginaw, and then off to the church to tell the kids that i'm leaving. not a very good day. obviously this is not a good time to evaluate things. the truth is i'm not evaluating anything. i'm just sitting here staring at the computer. i would love to post one of those bulletins that people post sometimes, you know, that say they need a friend, or are feeling down and want someone to call. i'm afraid if i do that someone will call, and i'll just be annoyed to use up my pre-paid minutes over a pity party that i would feel guilty about later, or i might not even need to have after i've already posted the bulletin. or i'll hate that people know that tonight is not a good night. does that make sense? mostly in these moments i push through it by myself...seems safer that way. this is one of those nights that i would like to have someone here, though, to just sit and watch a movie with, or just sit, you know? but it seems like if you call a guy for something like that they expect other things, and at this point i know myself well enough to know i am too tired and too weak to protest, so i do not call. sometimes i wish i were still young and stupid enough to make that call. when i wake up in the morning, i'm always relieved i didn't call. i already feel a bit better. i think i just feel trapped, too. and anybody that knows me well, knows that's one of the worst things for me. my gas light turned on and i am out of money. i get paid next thursday for my last few days at the church, so i will be walking and riding a bike for a week, but i really won't be riding anywhere that costs money. that normally wouldn't be a problem, people go without vehicles in this town all the time...there's only two of us with vehicles in this house. it's all a matter of perspective, and i understand that completely. however, i do not have any house days until next week when school starts, so i am basically completely free the next five days, but with no money to get out of here. it's humbling, i get it. now i know how all these people feel on a daily basis in this town who are stuck. at least i'm only stuck for a week, some of these people never see the light, never get a chance to feel free in their lives. and all i can think about is myself. my brother's in jail...again. there, i said it. for everyone to read. i'm sick of it...i'm so sick of hurting for him. i'm so sick of worrying about him. i'm so sick of seeing my mom just crumble when she can't take any more. life has been rough on her...she deserves a break. i would just like to make enough money when i get done with school to pay my loans and take care of my mom. that's it. i don't care about all that other bullshit...it's just stuff...it's just pressure from society to matter, to make it big, to live the life...my mom deserves the life. she has worked her tail off and raised four kids on her own...she has given up everything...she deserves it...let her have it. i don't even want it. ah. now the tears are coming...it's about time...for a while there i was beginning to think they'd left for good. i just want to give people a fair shot. they say in america everybody gets a shot, a chance to build on a dream...i say bullshit. you're going to tell me that a baby born in the projects to a mother who is addicted to crack has the same shot as those celebrity babies you see all over the tabloids...bullshit. we all know it...why are we so apathetic? john mayer says that this generation is "waiting on the world to change"...okay, that's a great idea, lets just sit around and wait for someone else to fix it. maybe if we get caught up enough in our own worlds we might not even notice problems exist. our biggest worry is whether or not we got a part in the school play. screw the school play. half of the kids who secretly dream of being accepted, receiving a standing ovation just for being who they are, will never get that chance because our society, that we have created, sets them up to fail. we created it, so we need to fix it...and we can. i truly believe that we can. man, i know we can. aha. the tears have dried to my cheeks and a new fire burns in my soul. i refuse to "stand outside the fire." like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego i'm going in with nothing but the good Lord to save me. ahhh...awake again, a new fire...or maybe the same old flame ignited once more...in three hours i'll be up 24 hours...that's just the way my God works.

Coffee With Jim

The sweat glistens from the sun on my poorly shaved gems Lorie Line whispers her song across the piano barely smoldering the sound of traffic and Friday afternoon conversations Jim Harrison freshly at my fingertips I desire to take a spin on the apparatus parked illegally near the two hour lampost I have a feeling people would notice A weathered man walks by muttering inaudible salutations The tree across the way looks out of place He belongs on an island in a sea of wildflowers Shading two lovers as they picnic in secret Yet here he sits in his concrete prison Shading the apparatus on the two hour pole

good night

i want so badly to write a million words....i was so calm after watching the stars waltz across the sky that my body became very heavy....i came home only to become restless...i jumped on the computer relieved that i was once again awake enough to write...now here i sit, heavy and weary again...for now this will have to do. good night. yes it was.