Re-posted from 2006:
I wish I could see the top of the sky fly down to the depths of the earth and feel the heat slowly make its way through my soul as I draw nearer
I wish I could hear the angels whisper sweet lullabies to an unborn child, and welcome home a tired, old man after a long battle with the world
I wish I could touch the heart of every person I see, and bring a smile to a stranger's lips because I am here
I wish I could float on the water for days at a time, without a care in the world, and let the sun warm my face
I wish I could know what it feels like to be everyone else so I would be less quick to judge and compassion would have more room
I wish I could make it so I were never cold again and everyone got paid to get at least eight hours sleep
I wish I could cry less and laugh more, sing the night into day, and write a love story for my children that would come true
I wish I could stop time for just a moment so I could stare at all the people I love and memorize them
I wish I could sit and not think, get all my work done, and have that be enough
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Jack of All Trades (Master of None)
Last night was one of those nights where you wake up more than a few times during the night, and finally rise out of bed at 6:30 a.m., giving up on any notion of going back to sleep. My last dream I had found me back in high school. I was playing right field during baseball practice (it was baseball, not softball...and it was a coed team, weird). All of the balls seemed to fly in my direction in one way or another, and try as I may (even diving, outstretched, onto the ground), I couldn’t catch a single one. That’s really nothing new, that is a culmination, really, of my high school sports experience. Well, the coach had one of the star players show me how to gauge where a ball was headed, get there and plant myself, and go through step by step, if you will, of how to catch the ball. I found myself frustrated, and I gave up and went and did something else. That’s when I woke up.
When I woke up, I started to think about my high school sports experience. I thought about those who were really good, and then I thought about me. I remember writing about that experience for my first creative writing essay in college. I wrote about the basketball team, and how I felt cheated out of my experience, and how one game the coach actually put me in at the beginning of the game, took me out after I got the butterflies out, and then actually put me back in the game...that had never happened before (I would usually go in the last couple of minutes of the fourth quarter if we were losing or winning by a substantial amount). I scored 10 points that game, and was the game changer at a pivotal moment. It was awesome. I remember writing about how disappointed I was when I didn’t receive any playing time the next two games, and blah, blah, blah. Well, my paper came back to me, after being reviewed by a jury of editors, with red marks all over the place. The comments on the back page suggested that the paper sounded like the whining of a selfish brat. I was a bit shocked, and offended. I thought about those statements a great deal afterward, trying, albeit pridefully, to find some understanding in the criticism. As I thought back this morning, I recognized the truth in the criticism. They were right. I came to that conclusion after realizing something very important about myself...whether from the dream, or some other state of consciousness that we often find ourselves at in moments of clarity. I have never actively trained for anything. I have never worked, step by step, physically, mentally, or emotionally, on anything. I have always come along for the ride, hoping to learn something along the way, whether by copying others, or just simply observing and floating along. I have done this with sports, physical fitness, fashion, teaching, directing, overall health and wellness, homework, politics, college, jobs that I have had, hobbies, etc. I have never worked on one thing, or broken it down and trained enough, to know any real skills. Even with acting this has proven true. I have never systematically broken it down to fundamentals, or worked on something specific like voice, or body movements, over and over again. With acting, you can get away with that to a certain extent. I think that’s why I have been able to be at least moderately successful on stage.
I was not involved in sports early on. I was in gymnastics for a few years off and on, as a child. I can remember doing enough to get by in that field, as well. I was afraid of the equipment, so I don’t think, looking back, that I would ever do anything that could really get me injured. I have never broken a bone in my life, or had to stay in the hospital, or ever needed surgery. Is it possible that someone as adventurous as everyone thinks me to be might actually have led a very careful life, and does so even now? You know, I wish there would have been somebody to push me along the way. I wish someone would have told me to suck it up, and not only stick with my commitments, but do the very best I could, training from the ground up, until I got it right. I wish someone would have thrown me in the pool to teach me how to swim, so to speak. I wish someone would have thrown a dodge ball at me early on, so I could see it wasn’t so bad, and not be so damn afraid of them throughout my teens, even though I was really good at pretending to be brave. I could keep going, but then it would begin to sound like the whining of a selfish brat. :) I didn’t have those things. I didn’t have the support I wanted. I’m trying to look back and think of why I didn’t take those things on myself. Why did I keep waiting for someone to come along and do it for me? Why am I still waiting?
My biggest secret is probably that I feel like a fraud all of the time. I am so afraid of people along the way, not only figuring that out, but pointing it out to everyone else. I think I feel this way, perhaps, because I have not taken the time to truly learn something from start to finish. I did not play sports as a young child, so I joined the teams late (in my teens), with virtually no talent or skills for the sport. I am glad that I found cheerleading first when I moved to Cass City. My initial observations when I moved to that town (I am very observant, which has unfortunately enabled this behavior) found that, in order to survive in that town, you had to join...something, or you risk the possibility of becoming invisible. I had enthusiasm, and I have been blessed with some semblance of natural rhythm. Luckily, those two things won me a spot onto the cheerleading squad. I only cheered for one year, because it became unpopular. Heaven forbid I did something...unpopular. So, I joined the basketball team, and the volleyball team, and the softball team, and gymnastics. I even ran track for a couple of years, and did the high jump. Hahahaha. Anyone who knows my family, knows that it is a running joke how I can’t jump...at all. Oh, the irony. I also joined the plays, and even did forensics. I also ran for student council, and was voted Senior Class President. I did most of those things during college, as well. I showed up to every practice or meeting and ‘worked hard’. I think I saw expending energy, or spending time, as working hard. I think I still hold onto that notion. I’m not sure, looking back now, that I was really working on anything at all. I’m not sure I am now. People often throw around the joke ‘are you working hard or hardly working?‘ I think I have spent a majority of my life working hard at hardly working. Why not work the fundamentals after practice until I felt comfortable enough to actually be a little bit confident? I have never had a lot of confidence, but I see now it might be because I have never taken the time to do or learn anything to be confident about.
It’s not going to be easy to change this. In fact, I will have to work against my own instincts, and fight the natural tendency to skip around, only skimming the surface of a new activity, hypothesis, or process. I no longer desire to be a Jack of All Trades (Master of None), or continue to pretend to be one. I’m going more for the Polymath, or the Renaissance Man, if you will. Now I just have to choose what specific activity, hypothesis, and/or process in which to focus my time and energy......hahahaha....*sigh*.
When I woke up, I started to think about my high school sports experience. I thought about those who were really good, and then I thought about me. I remember writing about that experience for my first creative writing essay in college. I wrote about the basketball team, and how I felt cheated out of my experience, and how one game the coach actually put me in at the beginning of the game, took me out after I got the butterflies out, and then actually put me back in the game...that had never happened before (I would usually go in the last couple of minutes of the fourth quarter if we were losing or winning by a substantial amount). I scored 10 points that game, and was the game changer at a pivotal moment. It was awesome. I remember writing about how disappointed I was when I didn’t receive any playing time the next two games, and blah, blah, blah. Well, my paper came back to me, after being reviewed by a jury of editors, with red marks all over the place. The comments on the back page suggested that the paper sounded like the whining of a selfish brat. I was a bit shocked, and offended. I thought about those statements a great deal afterward, trying, albeit pridefully, to find some understanding in the criticism. As I thought back this morning, I recognized the truth in the criticism. They were right. I came to that conclusion after realizing something very important about myself...whether from the dream, or some other state of consciousness that we often find ourselves at in moments of clarity. I have never actively trained for anything. I have never worked, step by step, physically, mentally, or emotionally, on anything. I have always come along for the ride, hoping to learn something along the way, whether by copying others, or just simply observing and floating along. I have done this with sports, physical fitness, fashion, teaching, directing, overall health and wellness, homework, politics, college, jobs that I have had, hobbies, etc. I have never worked on one thing, or broken it down and trained enough, to know any real skills. Even with acting this has proven true. I have never systematically broken it down to fundamentals, or worked on something specific like voice, or body movements, over and over again. With acting, you can get away with that to a certain extent. I think that’s why I have been able to be at least moderately successful on stage.
I was not involved in sports early on. I was in gymnastics for a few years off and on, as a child. I can remember doing enough to get by in that field, as well. I was afraid of the equipment, so I don’t think, looking back, that I would ever do anything that could really get me injured. I have never broken a bone in my life, or had to stay in the hospital, or ever needed surgery. Is it possible that someone as adventurous as everyone thinks me to be might actually have led a very careful life, and does so even now? You know, I wish there would have been somebody to push me along the way. I wish someone would have told me to suck it up, and not only stick with my commitments, but do the very best I could, training from the ground up, until I got it right. I wish someone would have thrown me in the pool to teach me how to swim, so to speak. I wish someone would have thrown a dodge ball at me early on, so I could see it wasn’t so bad, and not be so damn afraid of them throughout my teens, even though I was really good at pretending to be brave. I could keep going, but then it would begin to sound like the whining of a selfish brat. :) I didn’t have those things. I didn’t have the support I wanted. I’m trying to look back and think of why I didn’t take those things on myself. Why did I keep waiting for someone to come along and do it for me? Why am I still waiting?
My biggest secret is probably that I feel like a fraud all of the time. I am so afraid of people along the way, not only figuring that out, but pointing it out to everyone else. I think I feel this way, perhaps, because I have not taken the time to truly learn something from start to finish. I did not play sports as a young child, so I joined the teams late (in my teens), with virtually no talent or skills for the sport. I am glad that I found cheerleading first when I moved to Cass City. My initial observations when I moved to that town (I am very observant, which has unfortunately enabled this behavior) found that, in order to survive in that town, you had to join...something, or you risk the possibility of becoming invisible. I had enthusiasm, and I have been blessed with some semblance of natural rhythm. Luckily, those two things won me a spot onto the cheerleading squad. I only cheered for one year, because it became unpopular. Heaven forbid I did something...unpopular. So, I joined the basketball team, and the volleyball team, and the softball team, and gymnastics. I even ran track for a couple of years, and did the high jump. Hahahaha. Anyone who knows my family, knows that it is a running joke how I can’t jump...at all. Oh, the irony. I also joined the plays, and even did forensics. I also ran for student council, and was voted Senior Class President. I did most of those things during college, as well. I showed up to every practice or meeting and ‘worked hard’. I think I saw expending energy, or spending time, as working hard. I think I still hold onto that notion. I’m not sure, looking back now, that I was really working on anything at all. I’m not sure I am now. People often throw around the joke ‘are you working hard or hardly working?‘ I think I have spent a majority of my life working hard at hardly working. Why not work the fundamentals after practice until I felt comfortable enough to actually be a little bit confident? I have never had a lot of confidence, but I see now it might be because I have never taken the time to do or learn anything to be confident about.
It’s not going to be easy to change this. In fact, I will have to work against my own instincts, and fight the natural tendency to skip around, only skimming the surface of a new activity, hypothesis, or process. I no longer desire to be a Jack of All Trades (Master of None), or continue to pretend to be one. I’m going more for the Polymath, or the Renaissance Man, if you will. Now I just have to choose what specific activity, hypothesis, and/or process in which to focus my time and energy......hahahaha....*sigh*.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Flou Peu Clair
I haven’t written. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve wanted to write, but I haven’t written. I just finally yelled at myself in my mind after making another excuse, and said ‘just start typing, for pete’s sake’. Jeremiah is right. I need to stop being so hard on myself. If I’m going to make the decisions I am going to make, then I need to make them and get over it. I battle all day with myself in my own mind. It’s no wonder I don’t actually do much. I’m so warn out from fighting with myself, there’s not much left to do anything else. I put away the idea of the assemblies for a while, because in its place came an idea to own a boutique that sells a bunch of random crap made by me, and others. I would rent the window space as studio space, sell home beauty supplies (all organic), and maybe even some photography. I would also do the assemblies, etc., but would use the boutique as income (along with It Works!). The boutique idea kind of took over all my thinking. I even thought of using Anthony’s building as my space....haha. Thinking of it now, it all seems so ridiculous. Funny, how when I get these ideas they don’t seem ridiculous at all, until someone points out the obvious flaws in the plan. How do I not see them? Talking to Jeremiah last night, he even told me I need to let myself cry. He said I never let myself cry anymore. He’s right. And he’s wrong. I did cry, at the beginning of this whole losing my job thing. I was doing the dishes one day and then just broke down. I suppose it did only last a couple of minutes. That seems to be my new thing...the quick cry. It escapes from somewhere deep within my chest, and just as soon as it’s out, it’s gone. I took a bath tonight. I feel more calm, and a bit more emotional since my bath. Some clarity came along with it, too. What is it about a bath? I am snuggled in my bed, and actually warm for the first time today. I think that’s why I haven’t accomplished much in the past couple of days. I have been cold. When I am cold, I am usually no good for anything. Jeremiah told me to focus on the assemblies. Start writing the ‘script’, he said. He told me it’s a good idea. Why did I jump ship so fast? I think I’m actually afraid of it succeeding. I have always been more afraid of success than failure. I have always sabotaged an idea or never quite followed through, out of fear that I wouldn’t know what to do next...or fear that I would take it too far, or not far enough, or really screw it up. According to Wayne Gretzky, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. That is so true. I haven’t taken so many shots. My family doesn’t really go big. I think my big sisters do, sometimes. My little sister and her husband just hiked the entire Appalachian Trail. The thing is, both of my sisters did extraordinary things because of their husbands. I don’t know that either of them would have done those things on their own, if I’m being completely honest. I don’t want to do something because there is someone else with me, but sometimes I think that’s exactly what I want. I want someone to take off some of this pressure. I’m not entirely sure where the pressure is coming from, though. I’m not sure I actually believe I can do this on my own. I want so badly for God to prove me wrong. I know, however, in order for Him to do that, it needs to be me that does the leg work to prove me wrong. How can that work? I don’t know what step to take, most of the time, so I take a bunch of lateral steps that get me nowhere. I search endlessly online, get sidetracked, bake an amazing cake so I feel like there is something tangible to show for my time, and watch ESPN all day, barely listening to anything they’re actually talking about. I’m not sure where this day went, and this is the third day in a row that has happened. There are obvious things that need or should be done, including cleaning my room, memorizing my lines, scrubbing the bathroom, laundry, working out, and organizing my finances...I somehow manage to avoid all of those things each day. I don’t even feel good about it. I think about those things numerous times throughout the day, as if that is punishment, or at least consolation, for not doing them. Not sure why I haven’t actually done them. Not sure why I keep thinking about them if I’m going to choose not to do them. Not sure why this battle continues all day every day. I wrote more than I thought. I think this is enough for today. Tomorrow I get to go to Ashley’s baby shower. I get to spend time with some great friends. I think I really need to get out and hang out with some friends. I have been spending way too much time with myself.
My mind keeps reeling. My tears are trapped in my chest. I feel like I could really make a difference...and not in a famous way, but in a big way, nonetheless. I’m not sure what that means, and I’m not sure how to get there. I need to start asking questions...no matter how stupid it makes me look. The only way I’m going to find answers is if I start asking. I might as well go all the way to the top if I’m going to ask questions. People who are doing what I want to do, that’s who I need to ask. I can’t be afraid to at least try. I might end up looking really foolish, which I believe is always a big fear of mine (even though it doesn’t stop me from looking foolish more often than I would care to admit), but at least I’m going to try.
I find myself motivating people wherever I go. I caught myself doing it when I saw some friends in Detroit a few days ago. I was speaking with them and then it hit me, It’s like I can’t not do it. Even writing this journal along the way is in hopes that it will one day be published and help someone else out who wants to make their own way but doesn’t know where/how to begin. I just don’t know how to turn all this motivation into a viable career. I chose performing as my number one thing I like to do more than anything. Perhaps motivating others is the true answer. Maybe that’s why I haven’t finished the assignment Jer gave me. I’m supposed to narrow a list of 20 things I like to do down to one thing, and then write out why I like to do that one thing. I haven’t written why I like to do it. I need to finish that assignment. I think that could help me narrow down these choices by the end of September. I have allowed myself to brainstorm any and every idea during the month of September, with the idea that by September 30th, I will pick one and go for it with everything I have. I can feel myself narrowing things down, but also not quite ready to let go the idea of coming up with ideas. Haha. I need to go to sleep. I’m not entirely sure why I even started typing again.
My mind keeps reeling. My tears are trapped in my chest. I feel like I could really make a difference...and not in a famous way, but in a big way, nonetheless. I’m not sure what that means, and I’m not sure how to get there. I need to start asking questions...no matter how stupid it makes me look. The only way I’m going to find answers is if I start asking. I might as well go all the way to the top if I’m going to ask questions. People who are doing what I want to do, that’s who I need to ask. I can’t be afraid to at least try. I might end up looking really foolish, which I believe is always a big fear of mine (even though it doesn’t stop me from looking foolish more often than I would care to admit), but at least I’m going to try.
I find myself motivating people wherever I go. I caught myself doing it when I saw some friends in Detroit a few days ago. I was speaking with them and then it hit me, It’s like I can’t not do it. Even writing this journal along the way is in hopes that it will one day be published and help someone else out who wants to make their own way but doesn’t know where/how to begin. I just don’t know how to turn all this motivation into a viable career. I chose performing as my number one thing I like to do more than anything. Perhaps motivating others is the true answer. Maybe that’s why I haven’t finished the assignment Jer gave me. I’m supposed to narrow a list of 20 things I like to do down to one thing, and then write out why I like to do that one thing. I haven’t written why I like to do it. I need to finish that assignment. I think that could help me narrow down these choices by the end of September. I have allowed myself to brainstorm any and every idea during the month of September, with the idea that by September 30th, I will pick one and go for it with everything I have. I can feel myself narrowing things down, but also not quite ready to let go the idea of coming up with ideas. Haha. I need to go to sleep. I’m not entirely sure why I even started typing again.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Short Fuse
It takes a lot to get me really riled up. I have a short fuse when I feel I am being ignored, or perhaps not taken seriously, or when I'm driving down I-75 at any given moment, but those are often short lived. Usually, by the time I breathe in and out, the moment is gone, and I realize how silly it was to take things so personal.
If you want to get me really riled up, show me injustice in its most blatant form, or put me in front of someone who has no compassion. Well, this article , and the video with it, has a whole lot of both of those things. The crowd cheering the possibility of allowing an uninsured man to die at the most recent GOP debate also ranks up there. I don't even know where to begin....but "he who is without sin...", right? I can only look at this and learn something. What can I do differently so things like this can stop happening? How can I help?
If you want to get me really riled up, show me injustice in its most blatant form, or put me in front of someone who has no compassion. Well, this article , and the video with it, has a whole lot of both of those things. The crowd cheering the possibility of allowing an uninsured man to die at the most recent GOP debate also ranks up there. I don't even know where to begin....but "he who is without sin...", right? I can only look at this and learn something. What can I do differently so things like this can stop happening? How can I help?
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Lucky Me :)
A lucky find while (finally!) sorting through some old papers:
Miss Cartwright,
Thank you for all you've done. You've not only been an amazing teacher, but a person I can count on for anything and everything. On the days that I didn't want to be at school, or I was upset, I knew I would walk into Theatre and you were going to make me laugh or smile. You knew my weaknesses and my strengths. You've made me a stronger person. You've taught me so much about myself. I am a better person because of you. I will never forget my years at SASA with you. I will always look back on what you've taught me about life and how to live it. You are not only a teacher, but you are a mentor, and a great example of an amazing human being. GO BIG OR GO HOME!
Lucky me, indeed....worth every sleepless night, every tear, every extra hour worked. I know we can all look back and think of a teacher who really changed our life for the better. I can't believe I was given the opportunity to be one. I hope every teacher understands the impact that they have on a daily basis. I know most of them do. Lucky you.
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Seriously, who does that?
~Wednesday August 7th~
I watch TV shows on Hulu sometimes....not very often, but sometimes. I think, when I get into a good series, that I watch because I learn something from it without having to do any of the heavy lifting. I learn from their mistakes, or stories, and I get to see what happens next without having to stage it myself, or make any choices....and usually, there is a happy ending, (or at least a group hug:).
I think books and movies have dictated so much of our perspective and our lives. We say we’re entering a ‘new chapter‘ or looking for our ‘happy ending’. We want those happy endings to happen in movies, plays, etc. because we want to know that those people we’ve been following, watching, are going to be okay. Really, though, I think we want to know that we are going to be okay.
Those who know me well know that sometimes I scoff or get annoyed at happy endings in movies (not all the time, sometimes I watch because of that happy ending). I am often teased about my affinity for raw, uncut movies that never quite wrap up.....but, that’s life, isn’t it? Now, I understand some people watch those movies to escape, but we don’t live life in chapters, or necessarily wrap everything up and get a nice, happy ending in life. How many people do you know who have passed away with no regrets, and have everything they could ever ask for, including lessons learned, and they are ready to go? I know there are those out there who know someone like that, and I count you lucky to have such an example of how life should be lived. Don’t get me wrong, I am a ‘live life to the fullest’ kind of girl. I am extremely positive, and........
Okay, so apparently my mind has already grown bored of this topic. I find myself staring out the window, onto the streets of Royal Oak, a rainy day, indeed. My mind has been wandering to other places for 20 minutes or so. I know the students at SASA are in Musical Theatre class right now, getting ready to wrap up the end of Day 2. I know it seems silly how much I talk about them, but I think about it even more often than I talk about it. I am also a ‘move on’ kind of person. I’m not entirely sure why I am struggling with this so much. I usually have no problem unplugging and moving onto the next adventure. Maybe it’s because I didn’t choose it. Maybe it’s because there’s nothing to move on to quite yet. Maybe it just meant a lot to me. It all just happened a month ago, and school just started yesterday. Maybe I should give myself a break....
Last night, the director of “The Crucible” asked me what I like/can relate to about my character [Elizabeth Proctor]? I answered right away that I like her strength. She holds her family together, and she stands up for herself when she feels her husband might not hold up on his end. However misguided at times, the one thing she holds onto is truth. I am always seeking the truth. We talked a bit further about it, and then the director said he noticed a common thread throughout the story: Elizabeth seems to be really hard on herself through the whole thing. I thought about it and realized he was right, even when she is speaking with John about the adultery, she is secretly blaming herself to some degree. I realize that is how I am, I think (not blaming myself for adultery, but actually kind of hard on myself). I don’t think that from my own perspective (people who are hard on themselves would blame it on their inevitable failure of life), but I have heard it enough from others to know that it might be true....
“Rollin‘ On A River” just came through my headphones, and I am now tapping my foot and smiling. I am listening to the Dance Concert playlist from 2010. Maybe that’s where the SASA thoughts came from. I usually don’t listen to music when I write, or when I’m on the computer, and now I remember why. I get too distracted depending on what song is playing. I jumped online to see that a couple more families have chosen me as a favorite as a possible au pair. (I just keep looking at these families, not really knowing what to do next in this process). There is a single dad in California who is looking for someone to help him with his teenagers two weeks a month, and then help him with his business (as a personal assistant) when the children are with their mom. Now I am distracted. The guy is really cute, of course. Dang it. That means I probably won’t look into it. I want to leave the country, anyway, if I go the au pair route, and the pay is too low to have any sort of life in California. I don’t need distractions. I need a job where I can stay focused on one thing, I think. No. Focusing on one thing would drive me crazy. Or maybe it would actually allow me to see something through, and then have energy on the side to pursue other hobbies, etc. I don’t know.
A family is interested in me in Oman (sadly, I didn’t even know where that was), it’s just east of Saudi Arabia, and south of Iran. I can't help but be curious as to why they want an American. That leads me to search for volunteer opportunities in Afghanistan for a half hour or so (it’s just how my mind works...I was curious, and have been since doing extensive research on Rachel Corrie). If I’m going to volunteer, you might as well put me on the front lines.
My time at the meter is almost up, so I need to move my Jeep shortly. I have not written about anything that originally inspired me to sit and drink a chai and power up my lap top. No surprise there, really. It seemed a really good direction, but now I can’t even remember what I intended to touch upon while standing in line for my tea.
A song that is all drums just came on...I love the drums. I desire to learn the drums, but it’s not something you can just pick up anywhere. I think I have decided to pick up the guitar instead. I’ll just learn right-handed. A guitar is even something I could take abroad, and it kind of fits my style. I’m not sure my fingers are cut out for guitar though. I know I am cut out for the drums. I’ve talked about the guitar before. I talk about a lot of things.
On my four block drive to my new destination, I already thought about five different things I wanted to write. Sometimes I wish I could shut off my brain. As I cozy up in the back of my Jeep, nestled in some blankets, with my Kashi Go Lean Crisp cereal at my side (sounds like shameless product placement, but it’s really good), and open up my newly charged lap top, I can’t remember a single thing I wanted to say. Instead, I am tempted to watch another episode of “Being Erica” on Hulu (no responsibility but to sit and watch, remember?). Hanging out in the back of my Jeep is one of my favorite places to be....I sleep back there more often than people realize...that’s weird, isn’t it?
A lady was trying to cross the street when I was pulling out of my parking space a moment ago, but she was too afraid to cross. Eventually, one of the cars stopped (took long enough, considering pedestrians have the right of way...), and she began to timidly cross. I stopped, but then another car tried to go around and almost hit this lady. The drivers seemed to be annoyed with this pedestrian, never mind that they were the ones who were breaking the rules. Why are we so impatient? I hope the lady was able to get in her car and forget about what had just occurred, not taking it personal. I wonder if she’s having a bad day, rain and all, and this just made it worse. Why do I always envision that people might be sad? I can usually read it in their face and body language. The truth is, there are a lot of sad people. I see them everywhere.
Another 20 minutes or so of random thinking....why not watch something on Hulu? What’s going to happen if I do? What’s going to happen if I don’t? Who cares? I was so excited about having all day to research “The Crucible”, and I haven’t read a single thing about the show, characters, etc. I figure I have all day tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that to research it, really. I think I’m starting to get too laid back about being laid off. I think I’m afraid I’m going to run out of stuff to do. That’s a silly thought, really, there is always something that needs or should or could be done. I think I’m afraid I won’t run out of stuff to do, and I’ll just keep myself busy for the sake of keeping myself busy. Who wants to do that?
I think I want to stop analyzing all of this, and enjoy the last couple of hours before rehearsal...browsing the internet, watching a show, or reading a magazine...maybe a nap, too. I could get used to this. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.
After reading my Glamour magazine and listening to classical piano for a couple of hours, I feel inspired for others, tired, and a bit...annoyed...annoyed for not doing any research, getting any exercise, or really doing anything productive. I’m reading about college women who are making a big impact on the world. I can’t help but wonder how they get there. I know it takes hard work and good connections, but what kind of hard work? What did they do first? Here I am getting ready to go into rehearsal, and I realize I have had all day to research, develop my character, and memorize lines, but I haven’t even done so much as read the script. It’s like someone expects me to do it now, so I don’t do it. Is it self-sabotage? Am I overwhelmed, or uninterested? Or worse, am I just....lazy? I’m not sure what compels me not to act. I have been thinking about doing things all day. I have been writing about it, and searching around the internet for the next step...but I haven’t done anything really concrete, with lasting benefits. I thought, as I boarded the escalator to leave Barnes and Nobles ‘I want to be a writer...I want to write’. ‘Good’, I thought, ‘so write’. I got to the car, and suddenly wasn’t so keen on sitting and writing. I get inspired, but when it comes to the actual doing part of that dream, I falter. Why? It could even be something I know for a fact I enjoy, I just tell myself I don‘t feel like doing it in that moment, but I will later. Like now, it’s getting closer to rehearsal time, and the closer it gets, the more I just want to sit here in my Jeep and read and write. I’m sure once I’m in there and we’re in the midst of things, I will be enjoying myself, but I’m not sure what keeps me from getting it together and focusing on what I can do in this moment to move me forward. If I can’t seem to find the urge to do the things I know I enjoy, or the things that will get me what I want, is there any hope for me to ever find it? I read these stories of these people and can’t help but wonder, ‘maybe I just don’t have it in me to do it. Maybe I’m not smart enough, or task-oriented enough. Maybe I am actually incapable of going that far. Maybe I’m just meant to be mediocre. Somebody’s got to be mediocre, right?’ Many people would tell me, if anybody can do it, I can, but I wonder...am I just really good at faking that I might be able to do it? Am I really good at talking the talk? What have I really done? Why, after two years of teaching, was I still doing everything the hard way? Haven’t I learned anything along the way?
I have to go into rehearsal now. Thank goodness for scheduled, mandatory events...or else I fear I might sit in the back of this Jeep the rest of my life, reading about everyone else’s successes.
I watch TV shows on Hulu sometimes....not very often, but sometimes. I think, when I get into a good series, that I watch because I learn something from it without having to do any of the heavy lifting. I learn from their mistakes, or stories, and I get to see what happens next without having to stage it myself, or make any choices....and usually, there is a happy ending, (or at least a group hug:).
I think books and movies have dictated so much of our perspective and our lives. We say we’re entering a ‘new chapter‘ or looking for our ‘happy ending’. We want those happy endings to happen in movies, plays, etc. because we want to know that those people we’ve been following, watching, are going to be okay. Really, though, I think we want to know that we are going to be okay.
Those who know me well know that sometimes I scoff or get annoyed at happy endings in movies (not all the time, sometimes I watch because of that happy ending). I am often teased about my affinity for raw, uncut movies that never quite wrap up.....but, that’s life, isn’t it? Now, I understand some people watch those movies to escape, but we don’t live life in chapters, or necessarily wrap everything up and get a nice, happy ending in life. How many people do you know who have passed away with no regrets, and have everything they could ever ask for, including lessons learned, and they are ready to go? I know there are those out there who know someone like that, and I count you lucky to have such an example of how life should be lived. Don’t get me wrong, I am a ‘live life to the fullest’ kind of girl. I am extremely positive, and........
Okay, so apparently my mind has already grown bored of this topic. I find myself staring out the window, onto the streets of Royal Oak, a rainy day, indeed. My mind has been wandering to other places for 20 minutes or so. I know the students at SASA are in Musical Theatre class right now, getting ready to wrap up the end of Day 2. I know it seems silly how much I talk about them, but I think about it even more often than I talk about it. I am also a ‘move on’ kind of person. I’m not entirely sure why I am struggling with this so much. I usually have no problem unplugging and moving onto the next adventure. Maybe it’s because I didn’t choose it. Maybe it’s because there’s nothing to move on to quite yet. Maybe it just meant a lot to me. It all just happened a month ago, and school just started yesterday. Maybe I should give myself a break....
Last night, the director of “The Crucible” asked me what I like/can relate to about my character [Elizabeth Proctor]? I answered right away that I like her strength. She holds her family together, and she stands up for herself when she feels her husband might not hold up on his end. However misguided at times, the one thing she holds onto is truth. I am always seeking the truth. We talked a bit further about it, and then the director said he noticed a common thread throughout the story: Elizabeth seems to be really hard on herself through the whole thing. I thought about it and realized he was right, even when she is speaking with John about the adultery, she is secretly blaming herself to some degree. I realize that is how I am, I think (not blaming myself for adultery, but actually kind of hard on myself). I don’t think that from my own perspective (people who are hard on themselves would blame it on their inevitable failure of life), but I have heard it enough from others to know that it might be true....
“Rollin‘ On A River” just came through my headphones, and I am now tapping my foot and smiling. I am listening to the Dance Concert playlist from 2010. Maybe that’s where the SASA thoughts came from. I usually don’t listen to music when I write, or when I’m on the computer, and now I remember why. I get too distracted depending on what song is playing. I jumped online to see that a couple more families have chosen me as a favorite as a possible au pair. (I just keep looking at these families, not really knowing what to do next in this process). There is a single dad in California who is looking for someone to help him with his teenagers two weeks a month, and then help him with his business (as a personal assistant) when the children are with their mom. Now I am distracted. The guy is really cute, of course. Dang it. That means I probably won’t look into it. I want to leave the country, anyway, if I go the au pair route, and the pay is too low to have any sort of life in California. I don’t need distractions. I need a job where I can stay focused on one thing, I think. No. Focusing on one thing would drive me crazy. Or maybe it would actually allow me to see something through, and then have energy on the side to pursue other hobbies, etc. I don’t know.
A family is interested in me in Oman (sadly, I didn’t even know where that was), it’s just east of Saudi Arabia, and south of Iran. I can't help but be curious as to why they want an American. That leads me to search for volunteer opportunities in Afghanistan for a half hour or so (it’s just how my mind works...I was curious, and have been since doing extensive research on Rachel Corrie). If I’m going to volunteer, you might as well put me on the front lines.
My time at the meter is almost up, so I need to move my Jeep shortly. I have not written about anything that originally inspired me to sit and drink a chai and power up my lap top. No surprise there, really. It seemed a really good direction, but now I can’t even remember what I intended to touch upon while standing in line for my tea.
A song that is all drums just came on...I love the drums. I desire to learn the drums, but it’s not something you can just pick up anywhere. I think I have decided to pick up the guitar instead. I’ll just learn right-handed. A guitar is even something I could take abroad, and it kind of fits my style. I’m not sure my fingers are cut out for guitar though. I know I am cut out for the drums. I’ve talked about the guitar before. I talk about a lot of things.
On my four block drive to my new destination, I already thought about five different things I wanted to write. Sometimes I wish I could shut off my brain. As I cozy up in the back of my Jeep, nestled in some blankets, with my Kashi Go Lean Crisp cereal at my side (sounds like shameless product placement, but it’s really good), and open up my newly charged lap top, I can’t remember a single thing I wanted to say. Instead, I am tempted to watch another episode of “Being Erica” on Hulu (no responsibility but to sit and watch, remember?). Hanging out in the back of my Jeep is one of my favorite places to be....I sleep back there more often than people realize...that’s weird, isn’t it?
A lady was trying to cross the street when I was pulling out of my parking space a moment ago, but she was too afraid to cross. Eventually, one of the cars stopped (took long enough, considering pedestrians have the right of way...), and she began to timidly cross. I stopped, but then another car tried to go around and almost hit this lady. The drivers seemed to be annoyed with this pedestrian, never mind that they were the ones who were breaking the rules. Why are we so impatient? I hope the lady was able to get in her car and forget about what had just occurred, not taking it personal. I wonder if she’s having a bad day, rain and all, and this just made it worse. Why do I always envision that people might be sad? I can usually read it in their face and body language. The truth is, there are a lot of sad people. I see them everywhere.
Another 20 minutes or so of random thinking....why not watch something on Hulu? What’s going to happen if I do? What’s going to happen if I don’t? Who cares? I was so excited about having all day to research “The Crucible”, and I haven’t read a single thing about the show, characters, etc. I figure I have all day tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that to research it, really. I think I’m starting to get too laid back about being laid off. I think I’m afraid I’m going to run out of stuff to do. That’s a silly thought, really, there is always something that needs or should or could be done. I think I’m afraid I won’t run out of stuff to do, and I’ll just keep myself busy for the sake of keeping myself busy. Who wants to do that?
I think I want to stop analyzing all of this, and enjoy the last couple of hours before rehearsal...browsing the internet, watching a show, or reading a magazine...maybe a nap, too. I could get used to this. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.
After reading my Glamour magazine and listening to classical piano for a couple of hours, I feel inspired for others, tired, and a bit...annoyed...annoyed for not doing any research, getting any exercise, or really doing anything productive. I’m reading about college women who are making a big impact on the world. I can’t help but wonder how they get there. I know it takes hard work and good connections, but what kind of hard work? What did they do first? Here I am getting ready to go into rehearsal, and I realize I have had all day to research, develop my character, and memorize lines, but I haven’t even done so much as read the script. It’s like someone expects me to do it now, so I don’t do it. Is it self-sabotage? Am I overwhelmed, or uninterested? Or worse, am I just....lazy? I’m not sure what compels me not to act. I have been thinking about doing things all day. I have been writing about it, and searching around the internet for the next step...but I haven’t done anything really concrete, with lasting benefits. I thought, as I boarded the escalator to leave Barnes and Nobles ‘I want to be a writer...I want to write’. ‘Good’, I thought, ‘so write’. I got to the car, and suddenly wasn’t so keen on sitting and writing. I get inspired, but when it comes to the actual doing part of that dream, I falter. Why? It could even be something I know for a fact I enjoy, I just tell myself I don‘t feel like doing it in that moment, but I will later. Like now, it’s getting closer to rehearsal time, and the closer it gets, the more I just want to sit here in my Jeep and read and write. I’m sure once I’m in there and we’re in the midst of things, I will be enjoying myself, but I’m not sure what keeps me from getting it together and focusing on what I can do in this moment to move me forward. If I can’t seem to find the urge to do the things I know I enjoy, or the things that will get me what I want, is there any hope for me to ever find it? I read these stories of these people and can’t help but wonder, ‘maybe I just don’t have it in me to do it. Maybe I’m not smart enough, or task-oriented enough. Maybe I am actually incapable of going that far. Maybe I’m just meant to be mediocre. Somebody’s got to be mediocre, right?’ Many people would tell me, if anybody can do it, I can, but I wonder...am I just really good at faking that I might be able to do it? Am I really good at talking the talk? What have I really done? Why, after two years of teaching, was I still doing everything the hard way? Haven’t I learned anything along the way?
I have to go into rehearsal now. Thank goodness for scheduled, mandatory events...or else I fear I might sit in the back of this Jeep the rest of my life, reading about everyone else’s successes.
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