I was new to the Detroit area. I had few friends. I did everything right. I was charming, and fun, and sincere. I was generous with my time and energy, but also had my own life (or so I made it seem). I was available, but not desperate. I was forgiving when this particular group of people (especially the girls) didn’t accept me right away. I was forgiving when each of the men tried to hook up with me (some were better at it than others). I helped them, and genuinely listened to them. I was forgiving when one member of the group was saying not so great things about me to everyone without really knowing me due to jealousy. I wanted them to know I cared about them, each of them. I wanted them to know that I wanted to be their friend. I liked them. It happened when things seemed to finally be at a good place with this group. I was starting to be invited on my own to hang out with the girls. I was starting to share more of myself with individuals in the group. I was finding a place in the group that wasn’t because I was with one of the men, but because I was me, all by myself. After receiving an obscure text from one of the girls, I realized that everybody thought I had done something that I absolutely did not do. It was a direct attack on my character, and I was devastated. Finding out that the man I thought the most of in this group thought the worst of me was the final blow. It didn’t matter how much I had proved myself the previous two years. I never heard from anyone in the group again.
Something strange happened, though. For the first time ever I didn’t try to fix it. I always fix it. Whoever is at fault, or whatever has happened, I always fix it. I realized that it didn’t matter. No matter what I did these people were going to reject me anyway. I had already done all the work, everything I could possibly do to be their friend, and it didn’t matter. I realized I could do all that work again to convince everyone that the rumor was not true, but for what? For them to just find something else further down the road and have to do it all over again? I was tired. I didn’t have it in me to fight for myself anymore. I let them all go without saying a word to any of them. That might prove to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.
You see, I have banked my whole life on validation from people. I seek it constantly, whether it’s a nod, a smile, an invitation, or applause. I don’t actually have to hang out with people, I just usually want to know that I’m invited, accepted, picked for the team. I have been this way as far back as I can remember. I learned early that you can get validation from people without actually having to follow through on something. Just the idea might be enough to get you included or invited. I have lived my life simply imitating success. As long as people liked me, I felt successful.
I moved around a lot as a kid (well, even more as an adult, I suppose). Every place you enter has a certain protocol for being accepted. I am observant enough to learn that protocol quickly and imitate it. I have been doing this since I was very young. I have become so good at it that sometimes I’m not sure when I’m imitating and when I’m actually enjoying myself. I have learned to find a way to enjoy myself no matter what the circumstance. Well, somewhere around 5th grade, the confidence was...lost? I faltered. You can’t falter at that age group, people notice, and it affected how much I was accepted. Before I knew it I was trying too hard. Now, that is the worst thing you can do at that age. I took another hit in 6th grade (at a new school) when two friends of mine turned on me quite abruptly, and I was bullied for months. I didn’t try to fix it. I stood up to it, and stood up for myself, eventually earning the respect of my other classmates, and earning an apology from the bullies by the end of the year. I was wiped out, though. All those nights of crying myself to sleep, and working so hard to maintain my status with my classmates. I had done it. I had fought my way back to the top. Unfortunately, I moved to a different state a few weeks later.
Now, if there’s one thing that’s tough to comprehend and imitate, it’s small town politics. The problem with being new to a small town is the rules are set before you get there, and the roles have been established very early. The labels are already made, and they have one waiting for you when you walk in the door. Unless you are absolutely gorgeous, than the rules don’t apply to you. I’m not gorgeous. I figured it out, though. I fought and scraped and scrambled, even when I didn’t get it quite right. I never got it quite right, and probably tried too hard most of the time, but I got it enough to find some success while I was there. (Remember, when I talk about success, to me it was being invited, included...didn’t matter how many roles or awards I had. What mattered to me was how many invitations I had received to sit at the important table.) This whole thing became worse when I got into college, eventually leading me down a spiral of not-awesome times. I had not learned how to be healthy, or make healthy choices, without validation from others. I became desperate. The less it worked, the more I compromised my very moral being to get that invitation. What they don’t tell you when you are growing up is that as an adult you will face rejection more than you ever did as a kid. As a kid, sometimes you are included and accepted just for being a kid. As an adult, no one is looking to stroke your ego. What they don’t tell you when you are growing up is, if validation is the most important thing to you, you are going to end up very lonely as an adult. I wasn’t just lonely, I was confused. What had I worked so hard for? Nobody cared. So, I found a ministry group, and the whole process started again. When that fizzled out, I found a theatre group, and the whole process started again. The trouble is, I wasn’t learning any lessons, I was just jumping to a different group when things got tough. I was continually seeking ‘success‘ (validation), like they tell you to do as an adult. Seek success, right? The problem was, I was working so hard to seek success, I wasn’t actually taking time to learn very many skills. I never practiced anything to the point of mastering it. I never learned and/or applied the concept of delayed gratification. I was too busy trying to be successful. I was too busy imitating success. The trouble with imitation is it is all on the surface. The weirdest thing about all of this is my propensity for vulnerability. I genuinely like people. I genuinely want people to like themselves. I want people to genuinely like me.
It was at the height of finding success in the Saginaw community that I received another blow, a permanent pink slip. Everything I had worked so hard for to earn my ‘success‘ was for nothing. I had to switch groups...again. This time, it wasn’t my choice. I decided to go to a bigger pool of options. I needed a much larger community. I have always been a city girl with a heart for the mountains. I was tired from all the small town politics. I was going to Detroit. Something stirred in me for the first time ever when I walked around Detroit. I saw myself in the broken walls of this city. I saw myself in the hopeful eyes of the young artist, and the weathered face of the ‘lived here all my life’ gas station attendant. Maybe, if I work to repair the streets of this city, somewhere along the line I could repair my brokenness, too. That sounds good, right? Haha. Too bad that’s not what I thought at all. I’m pretty sure my thoughts were more along the line of, ‘it sure would be easy to do something great here, and not have to work very hard to be successful again’. Still, there was something about this city, and the few people I met early on, that stirred something in me. Something different was happening, I just didn’t know it yet.
As an adult it gets harder to find your way into a group of friends. Everyone already has their group established, and people can be pretty protective over letting anyone else in the group. It’s much worse than when you are a kid, especially as a single woman. You’re either a threat or a possible hookup. I don’t want to be either of those things. That’s why I usually date loners, or the grumpy guy nobody can quite figure out. They might have friends, but they spend a lot of time by themselves. Unfortunately, they are usually loners for a reason, and they don’t do well over time with a bubbly, pensive, social, empathetic daydreamer with ants in her pants.
Well, I found this Detroit group early, and spent two years trying to find success in that group. I ended up rejected and alone, even after doing everything right. Luckily, in that time, I had found my way into a new house right downtown. These people were very different from me, so I just kept trying to find success with this other group, and would minimally hang out with my new housemates. After being totally rejected and accepting it, I began to crawl out of my room and get to know my housemates. Something strange was happening. There was no protocol for success with these people. I could be loud, quiet, pensive, blunt, silly, faithful, genuine, gregarious, or formidable. It didn’t matter. They responded to me the same. I wish I could say that the cycle stopped there, of me pursuing ‘success’. It didn’t. I jumped headlong into another relationship with a different man and a different group of people I have known for over a decade. I became even more desperate than ever before, and by the end of the Summer I had crashed and burned with another group. Yikes. This rejection didn’t hurt as much, though. I began to see how unhealthy this all was, and I was considering how to change my thinking, and therefore change my behavior. I let them go a little bit easier than the last group, which is strange because my investment in this group was much deeper. I have not heard from the man who brought me into this group. He has dropped me from his life completely. I have not tried to fix it. I let him go. Surprisingly, because of that, I feel.....free.
At that time, I had began Grad School, and was introduced to a whole different group of people. Normally, that would be viewed by me as a great escape, and the cycle would just continue. However, I was beginning to pinpoint unhealthy patterns in my life, and was ready to do the work, the real work that would bring me to actual success, and not just a poor imitation of living a successful life through validation from others. It’s happening. I’m not sure what these new people feel about me. Every once in a while I catch myself preoccupied with the thought, and I let it go as soon as I am aware of it. What I have learned is that true success and healthy relationships need time. That is one thing I was never willing to give, make, or allow in the past. I struggle. I struggle every day, and need constant reminders that it will take time. I am at the beginning of this concept of delayed gratification, so you can guess that I suffer from a lack of patience concerning the outcomes of my new healthy choices. Right now I just have to trust. I have to trust that anything is worth a shot and better than what I have been doing for the past 30 years.
My housemates have been crucial in this time of transition. They haven’t changed how they respond to me, even though I have changed quite a bit since I moved in last February. Their consistency in acknowledging me and appreciating me has been a good lesson for me. While the first group showed me no matter what you do some people will still reject you, my housemates have shown me that no matter what you do some people will still love you, too.
New Years Eve. Haha. Last New Years Eve, my ex-boyfriend (whom I was still living with at the time) met a girl and had a great, romantic New Years Eve kiss. He and I had kind of reconnected over Christmas, so you can imagine my surprise two weeks later when he told me about his amazing New Years Eve, and this amazing new girl in his life. A month later he invited her over to spend the night, and I moved out. Normally, that would make today extra tough. All I can think, though, is that isn’t me. I actually have no idea what is going on in his life right now. I’m not there, and I don’t want to be there. I’m doing my own thing, living my own life, and I am free. I feel free. I feel light. I feel like I have so much to learn, but I am learning it, in a healthy way, with healthy people. Due to my car being down, I have to spend my New Years Eve at home. Lucky for me, my housemates are throwing a party. I am meant to be with this group of people for New Years Eve. It is sort of our last hurrah as a group, as some have already moved out, and others will be moving out in the next month or so, and I am leaving in a few weeks. It makes so much sense to ring in the new year with these amazing folks.
That guy, the one who meant the most to me in that group who rejected me? Well, I ran into him the other day, and he told me he owes me an apology. Turns out (surprise, surprise) someone lied to him about what had happened. He told me that he had been meaning to call me since he found out. Normally, I would forgive and jump right back into the whole cycle again. Normally, a conversation like that would bring so much happiness. Normally, that would be enough to make me think that I had won, and I was successful. However, when he walked away, I realized that if he truly felt bad, and really had been sorry about how he had treated me, he would have called me as soon as he found out it was all a lie. I realized, he seemed more upset about the fact that someone had lied to him than how that caused him to treat me. I realized he doesn’t really care about me. Instead of sadness, I felt free. If I can begin to establish those boundaries with him, of all people, maybe, over time, I can begin to establish boundaries with people before I allow myself to be so broken by them, especially men. Perhaps, I can find validation by being happy with my own healthy choices that lead to healthy relationships that lead to great opportunities to actually do the work or master the skill. I am redefining success. Right now, that is still all a bit confusing. Right now, I’m giving myself the time to figure it out. It’s a great place to be.
Through all of this beautiful disaster that was 2013, God has never let me go, or let me fall below where He can catch me. I always come back to Him, and He always comforts me in a way only He knows how. I have found someone to share my life with, and He has proven to be everything I ever wanted in a partner, a teammate. My Lord is my Savior...and He is my friend. He is the first I have ever truly trusted. My first trusting relationship is with the God who created me. I’ll take it. I am not going to hope, or dream, or establish any resolution for 2014. I am going to put one foot in front of the other, continue to establish and make healthy choices, allow myself time and mistakes, and continually express gratitude for the God who makes it all possible. I am going to love God and love others, but I am also going to begin to get to know and love myself. I honestly, right now, have no idea what that means or how that looks exactly, but I know it’s good. It’s all good. Happy 2014. :)
