Here's what you do with things....

put them away, throw them away, or give them away.

De-clutter!

God never intended life to be complicated.

Random February Thoughts

They sang 'Mad World' today in church.  I'm starting to find some love for Kensington.

I'm not so caught up in my own stuff to think that they're might not be several people today who I can bless.    I hate those days when I do get so caught up, and fail to recognize the people I pass by that day who might need me.

I deserve this....with the money situation I find myself in these days.  I have had chances to have money, and make up for bad choices.  I haven't changed my behavior when it comes to money.  It needs to be a priority.  It's time to stop blaming everyone and everything else, and learn a new way to live. 

Grace is unfair.  Jesus has a different economy.  Thank goodness.

That message, I realized, I was not putting out there.....I was posting so much.....anger.  I deleted those.  I have accepted responsibility.  I know the person I am....in the worst and best way.

Occupy Detroit is meeting at the coffee shop right across the street from the Opera House.  I watch as people dressed to the nines walk into the Opera House for an event, and the home-sewn group passing by me to get to the meeting.  I wonder where I fit.

You will find what you are meant to do where"...your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."  I used to think it was just where the world's deep hunger is, but I realize now, it can also, and should also be where my deep gladness reigns. 

6 hour wait at the UIA (Unemployment Office) to ask a simple question about taxes.  There is only one UIA office in all of Detroit.  Something is terribly, terribly wrong here.

I am part of a 20/20 group.  There are 20 of us (actually the number is higher now) who give $20 a month.  A name is drawn from the group, and that person gets to choose where the money is given that month.  I love this idea! 

Elie told her mom I was her favorite babysitter....ever.  It's the little things :)

Weird to see Rick Hamilton in a Bulls jersey.  With Lebron's new beard, he looks Amish.

Finally unpacked and cleaned my room - it's February.  I moved in late November.

Eli Manning seems like just a likable guy.  Go Giants!

It always makes me giggle when I find out a guy is following me on Pinterest.  I'm intrigued to see what kind of boards he keeps. 

Levi is now getting dressed by himself, zipping up his own coat, and saying 'yellow' and 'red', and 'three, thirteen, and thirty'.  He can count to 100, both singly and by tens.  It's the little things....   

I actually think So Random on Disney is funnier than SNL.  Plus they book a lot of bands who are up and coming, and not as well known.  The show genuinely makes me laugh sometimes.  I can't believe these teenagers are living my dream. 

I had been sick 3 different times with three bugs during December and January.

Definitely got mooned by a four year old today. 

1John 4:18 There is no fear in love.

Working with a student on monologues....it's what I'm meant to do.  My true joy is found in the middle of our workshop. 

I'll remember the image of the train heading towards the station, and the attendant hanging out the door waving, probably forever.  Kind of like the memory of when I was just about to step out onto the stage for the opening number of "Bat Boy", and I suddenly pictured stepping out onto a professional stage, feeling the energy of the crowd, and the warmth of the lights.  Somewhere inside of me i knew it's going to happen.  This trip might change my life....or not.  Either way this memory is planted for good.

I haven't listened to music the entire 6 hour trip to Chicago...no headphones whatsoever.  It's amazing what you observe and experience when you don't shut yourself off to the world.

I'm just watching everyone in the holding room, observing them as they mentally prepare for their audition.  I am completely relaxed and enjoying every minute of this.  Hysterical to observe behavior in other people.  Man, I love performance so much!!!  I hope they see that, if nothing else.  I hope they see how much I love, and need, to become another life, tell someone's story.  I am so lucky to be here!!

With rejection comes a certain amount of clarity, if you let it.  My first audition is a no, and it's the best thing that could have happened to me.  It means I have to fight a little bit, and make sure this is what I want.  This was a good experience to remind me what I'm getting myself into by jumping into this business full time.  If this opportunity were handed to me after the very first audition, it would not prepare me for the reality of how this business works.  I can lay here in bed and blame my training, or lack of training, and blame everyone including myself, and make excuses, or I can get up, brush myself off, learn something, and get downtown so I can try again.  I feel like, for the first time, people are being honest with me about my acting, and  I want more.  I can't believe there's a possibility that I might be able to have the opportunity to take three years and concentrate solely on my journey as a performer, as an actor, and study with others who are just as passionate about finding themselves in this art as I am.  I don't want to waste one second of my time, if i am so lucky to be earn a spot in an MFA program, but even in this part of the process.  This chance to audition, stay in the city, meet other artists, and observe and gain feedback is just as important.  The journey has already begun.  This process can wear you down.  Last night, by the time I crawled into bed, I was pretty beat up.  Thank goodness we get a new chance every day.  I'm refreshed after a good night's rest, and I'm ready to take what I can from today.  It's so important to take care of yourself if you're going to enter this process.  I have been taking care of myself, and it will serve me well.  To God be the glory!!  Lucky, lucky me.

I think the idea of settling into a three year intensive program intrigues me because there is part of me that likes the idea of the same job, the same apartment, and starting or helping an organization in one community for a while.  It would be nice if things would slow down for longer than a few months or a year at a time.

You've got to be open to every opportunity.  I snagged a seat where I can see the final auditions through the window.  It's interesting to watch.  I wish I would have known that so many other schools would be here offering private auditions.  Many non URTA schools are here, as well, in a different hotel.  You had to schedule an audition ahead of time with them, though, and apply to their school.  It's interesting to think of how I felt when the train was pulling into Birmingham to pick me up, the attendant hanging out the door waving, and how I feel now, pulling back into Birmingham knowing nothing's changed.  Well, that's not entirely true....I've changed.  How is it, that in my four years studying in a theatre program, I never learned how to audition?


Just caught myself humming the theme to "Night Court".  Man, I love that show.

I'm intrigued by processes, i.e. How to keep track of passengers on a train, auditions for theatre, online services for restaurants, how to take a Gallup poll,  standardized testing, riding in a cab, delivering a baby, etc.  there are processes to everything.  I am always interested in the way something is done, the How.  Who figured out the process?  What made that way THE way something is to be done?  Is it the most efficient and/or effective?

I don't really want to talk about a problem unless I am discussing a solution.

9 weeks.....9 weeks.....9 weeks.....you can do it.  Just hold on, girl, and take advantage of what you have now.....

I need to go out dancing....like, today.

Another night of 3 o'clock in the morning ideas.  This old Tiger Stadium thing might actually work, and the after school theatre program at 1515, and the motivational assembly for middle schools.  It seems I have had a ton of great ideas in the last ten years.  I think it's time to pick a few of those projects and get focused.  Yeah, I said it.  It's time to have something to show for the energy and skills God gave me.  It's time to plug in for the long haul.  The worst that could happen is nothing comes of any of them.  I guess that would be no worse than the nothing I am doing now.  I just don't want the reason I am jumping onto these projects to be that the MFA thing became hard.  I went to ONE audition and was rejected.  Maybe it was just not the right programs, or the right time.  Maybe I need to plug into a community and the Masters Degree comes along in time.  Maybe I don't need one, and going back to school just seemed like the best option out there right now.  Maybe I need to fight for it, and then plug into whatever community I end up living.  Why do I feel so pulled to downtown Detroit, then?  I have no investment or history with this community.  Where is that pull coming from?  I just want to make sure my intentions are legit, and it's not just me running from something.  I want to run towards something for a change.

Heading into a waste not, want not phase in my life.  I hope it's here to stay.  I like it.

On the weekends I actually start to feel like a normal person again, especially if I get some one on one time with a great friend.  During the week I just get too much down time in my own head all day.  Too much free thinking time is not good for someone like me.  I love to day dream, don't get me wrong, but I'm often too cruel and unforgiving of myself to be given too much time trapped with my own thoughts and nothing more.

Anger is just not worth holding onto, no matter what has happened.  It takes a lot of energy to hold onto it, energy that could be better spent loving, instead.  Let go, and find the peace that comes with loving, especially if the person you need to love is you.  "And this is love:  that we walk in obedience to his commands.  As you have heard from the beginning, His command is that you walk in love.". -2 John, verse 6

Things I think I take for granted while I'm a live in nanny (or at least choose not to worry about while I don't have to worry about them):  always stocked toilet paper and Kleenex, turning my thermostat upstairs to whatever I want, the awesome car I drive, living in a very safe neighborhood that plows their streets by 3am, and comes by again at 5am, a fully stocked fridge with healthy food (including fresh fruit!), a down comforter, a very up to date washer and dryer and free soap, no utility bill or rent, free wireless Internet......man, there are definitely things I am going to miss once I lose them.  It's all worth it to have my life back.

You Are What You Read

There was something comforting, and almost inspiring, about being surrounded by all of my stuff this weekend. I had to sort through it, pitch some of it, and organize and pack the rest. I didn't even realize I missed myself so much. I am grateful to be on the couch, in my sweatpants, watching the Oscars. Loading and unloading the truck by myself proved to be a bit more than my body could take. It's days like these where I think having a husband or a dad could come in handy. It was nice to know I could still get it done on my own. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel I had so much to prove to myself. I think it's a matter of not wanting to inconvenience anyone, really. I have a ton of people in my life who would totally jump in and help without thinking twice. Nobody likes to move, however, and I didn't want anyone to feel obligated to say yes. Random thought: You know, I often think of things to write, short updates, or long anecdotes, throughout each day. More often than not, however, I just don't take the time to sit down and type it out. Sometimes it's a matter of not being in a position to be able to write. So, the thoughts are left to swim around in my head and drive me halfway to crazy. And we're back: I cannot wait until I move into a space where I can actually unpack all of my books. The last time I was able to do that was 10 years ago. I didn't really own many books then. Half of the bins I packed today contain books. My life is half books. Seems like an appropriate percentage.

Saturday Morning Thought

"You have to find just as much satisfaction in saving money as you do in spending it."  -Suze Orman

 

Just did a quick read through of my friends who I am following here on blogger.  It's amazing, really.  I am following a man who is in seminary to become a priest, a soldier in Afghanistan, a woman in the Peace Corps in Africa, a writer (and a very good one at that), a girl doing missionary work in Haiti, a friend who is raising triplets, another friend who adopted a child from Ethiopia, and two high school girls who recently were recognized in a top fashion magazine as "best fashion blog".  Kinda makes you start to wonder, what the heck am I doing here, sitting on my hands, while everyone else seems to be doing some extraordinary things?

I have the will and drive to serve.  I always thought it would be in some distant place, perhaps a third world country.  Why is it I feel I am being called to serve in my own backyard?  They say, 'Don't stay until God tells you to go, go until God tells you to stay'.  Well, this might be the place.  I just wish I knew what He wanted me to do.  I have all this energy and passion to just freely give.  Maybe that's what you do, you just start giving with what you have, right now.

Okay.  It really is that simple, isn't it? 

Run, Run, Run, Stop. Run, Run.....

It seems my life these days is either completely hectic, or completely at a stand still. My day starts tomorrow at 6am, like usual, and then I don't stop moving until I get home around 10 or 11 on Sunday night. Monday, on the other hand, will be a 10 hour day, as usual, with the two hour break in there (when I usually totally crash), and time will craaaaaawl. I am meeting an old friend for lunch tomorrow. She's a camp friend, so I'm excited, of course. It always strikes my heart in the best way possible to see camp friends. After work, I have to drive to Saginaw and attempt to pack up my belongings that remain in my old apartment in one night. I will rent a van/truck on Saturday, load it up, and pick up my mom on the way to Cass City to drop everything off. My aunt has been kind enough to lend me part of her garage. I just have to drive to Cass City to utilize it. Hey, it will save money on a storage shed somewhere. Who knows how long this stuff will need to be stored, right? It might be three months. It might be three years. I will drive back and spend what's left of the evening with my mother. On Sunday, after I take back the moving van, I hope to make a surprise appearance at a baby shower. It would be nice to see all the lovely ladies who will most likely be in attendance. When I get back to Detroit, there is an awesome event at 1515 Broadway downtown. I want to make it to this event. It is a one night only screening of what looks to be a great movie. A PBS-endorsed film, “A Good Man“ follows acclaimed director/choreographer Bill T. Jones (Last Supper at Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Still/Here, FELA!) as he and his company create their most ambitious work, an original dance-theater piece in honor of Abraham Lincoln’s Bicentennial. Many people from the project are going to be there for a talk back, and the event is to help raise money to keep 1515 open. Events like this are the reason I moved here in the first place. I need to actually start attending these things downtown. I love downtown! Anyway....a long weekend ahead... 

...followed by a very looooong week.....not because there's so much going on, but because time just craaaaawls during the daytime throughout the week. What a long, boring week (and I only worked two days!) Thank goodness for nights like this one, where I get a chance to teach again, helping a senior workshop through some monologues and songs for auditions. I hope I always have the chance to teach, in whatever capacity. It might be the only thing driving me right now. I have so much to write....random posts I never actually posted, and long drawn out thoughts on all the craziness (or lack of craziness) that is my life right now. I think it's safe to say I have way too much time to think during each day. It will all have to wait....5:30am comes so fast. Good night!

All The Small Things

"Go with the people. Live with them. Learn from them. Love them. Start with what they know. Build with what they have. But with the best leaders, when the job is done, the task accomplished, the people will all say, "We have done this ourselves." -Lao Tsu, China, 700 BC I was wondering where to begin in this giant city. It's really as simple as Lao Tsu describes it. Start small, with a small population, a small need, and continue working and loving people, and change will manifest itself. If we all do this, big things can, and will, happen.

In 7 Days He Created The World: In 3 Days He Re-Created Mine

Everything crumbles. He brings me to my knees. I look to him from the floor, suddenly conscious of where our relationship stands. I stand, wipe off my knees, and get to work. I stumble, look to Him, then continue working. He blesses me. He blesses me again. And again. Suddenly, I'm smiling. No, I'm laughing. I look at Him, not quite understanding. I accept the good. Because I accepted the crumbling. We begin to rebuild....

Finding My Port

Last week, I came home from a friend's house around three in the morning, because I couldn't sleep, and had to be up for work in three hours. I came home, hopped into bed, and still couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning, I began to assess different areas of my life. Naturally, I always think if I can't sleep, I must be discontent with something in my life, right? The fact is, I could already tell I was discontent, but couldn't quite place what it was exactly. I like to project feelings onto something else, if I'm unsure exactly what discontents me. I learned to do that early on, when I was a young girl going through puberty, and becoming 'emotional' for no reason, wondering what the heck was wrong with me. I also like to invent things to be upset about, when I'm too lazy, or not really sure how to begin finding a resolution. I realize I'm giving you a lot of damaging information about myself. So, was this just a seasonal thing? I mean, it is January, pretty much the most depressing month of the year, and I had lost my job, and moved away from a community I lived in for seven years.

After thinking about different things that had happened, and assessing all current circumstances in my life, I came to the conclusion that I was dissatisfied with, not just one aspect of my life, but every aspect of my life. There was not one area where I was like, 'Yeah, that's going okay'. Yikes. Well, the only person who can change that is me. So, I have begun the mass overhaul. Now, psychologists warn against making any big life decisions or changes during this 'time of seasonal depression', stating that you might not be in the correct frame of mind to choose the best option. I think psychology is incredibly subjective (pun intended), but, surprisingly, I choose to heed the warning....kind of. Okay, I didn't follow the advice of psychologists, but I am taking steps, instead of handling everything in a matter of, say, a day. One thing at a time. Hahahaha. Yeah, I don't really work like that, unfortunately. Stay tuned....because things are about to get interesting.... ;)