Gene Lamont IS my Tiger

I love the way my fingers feel on the keys as I type.  There’s something freeing in the feeling of typing so quickly as thoughts drift through my mind.  I guess thoughts fly through my mind more than drift...maybe even blaze...yeah, blaze through my mind.  Haha...blaze!

I am sitting here watching the Tigers play, and watching Game 7 of the NBA Finals.  I don’t generally watch NBA games, but I will watch the Playoffs, and the Finals.  I am a little overstimulated with the goodness on TV right now.  

I actually don’t think I’ll be able to type this and watch.

I think I’ll look up information on my beloved Gene Lamont.  I have a really great seat for Sundays game, thanks to Derica.  I plan on making a sign and finally sharing my appreciation for Gene Lamont with the world!  I might even use glitter.  Ugh.  Glitter.  I love that guy.  

I have to go.  I simply cannot do three things at once.  Two games and one journal entry is just too much for me.  I wasn’t even supposed to be typing a journal entry.  I’m supposed to be finishing a project for Father’s Day for all the amazing men in my life.  Yes, I am aware that Father’s Day was last Sunday. 

Did I mention I’m finally being clinically tested for ADD?

Squirrel!  

Love, Your Little Girl

I found some old journals in a box when I was sorting through things last night.  There was a time in my life, almost ten years ago now, when I filled a handful of journals over a couple of summers.  The introductory journal entry in one of the books caught my attention last night.  Suddenly, all that has happened since then makes so much sense, and even all of the crazy blessings that are happening now.  I am very careful with what I pray for, because I always get it.  Generally, I don't make specific prayers, but lately that has changed.  I'm having fun seeing just how much God is going to give me...it just keeps growing!!  I want to be careful with it all, though.  I know where it's all coming from, and I know He brought me through years of pain and deep sadness for a reason.  I want to honor it all.  It's hard to believe this was written by me almost 9 years ago.  Perhaps I should just let you read it for yourself...

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Dear Lord, 

The thoughts swim through my head so fast - it's as if I could never write fast enough not to miss one.  I remind myself that I have time.  I do not have to do anything but sit and write to you the rest of the day.  Lord, all this time I have been waiting around for someone to write letters to - letters that speak of love that's undefinable, of hope indescribable, of joy that's unreachable.  I realize the one I should be writing such letters to has been here all along - It's you, Lord.

It feels somewhat inappropriate to fill this letter with romantic love as well, but who created romantic love?  Who gave us the capabilities to feel something we could never actually describe?  It was you.

You have changed my heart.  How do I begin to repay You for something like that?

I cannot write all that's in my heart today.  I know what that guy was talking about - that one from Notre Dame - about what is unfathomable I can fathom and unutterable I can utter.  Lord, I am so thankful that I do not have to be in a particular place to know that experience - You have placed it deep within my own heart.  There it is for me whenever I choose to dig deep enough to unveil it.  

I picture someone watching me write - admiring me from afar, and realize someone is - it's You, Lord.  You created me and here I am being me - and you are finding joy watching me be who you created me to be.

Nothing can take this moment - though Satan would love to try. (The Lord rebuke you, Satan!)

Lord, why did you choose to save me?  What is it that simple me can do for Your Kingdom?  I know my insignificance in the whole scheme of things, yet in this moment you allow me to feel needed.  So many of us, Lord, seek you, and desire to see Your will be accomplished.  You think we would all come together and just do it.  Why do we let it become so hard?  Why do we let other people control our thoughts and motives?

Already this feeling is not what it was ten minutes ago.  It is not the feelings that matter, is it Lord?  It's truth.  So many times when we think of honesty as raw, and real, and hard - Love can be honest, beauty can be honest.  The truth can set you free - it doesn't have to be a harsh reality.  These words float from my soul, Lord, as I sit in my sneakers and ponytail.  I want to get lost in this moment, in these words, and be found by You.  You and me in the garden.

Speak to me, Lord.

I always thought that those girls who truly find love must feel like the luckiest girls in the world.  I feel that lucky now - but it is not luck - it is a plan.  As Your plan is revealed I wonder, why me?  Why this way?  Why today?  Oh God, how do I begin to reveal Your love to others?  I always wanted to be someone's little girl, but I have been all along.  I don't want to disappoint You, Father.  I despise my behavior when I do.

I feel I'm climbing higher and higher - closer to You with every step.

I feel blessed already - to know You might bless me beyond this is beyond me. I want to be last.  Bless everyone else first.  Bring hope to the hopeless - bring peace to broken hearts, feed the hungry, and send water to those who thirst.  Bring joy to those who weep and tears to those who need healing.  Reveal yourself to those who do not know You, but would be willing to serve You if they did.  Humble those who stand at the top - so they will not be thrown into the fire.  Bridge the gap for those who cannot find their way.  Hold the children in Your arms.  Call the sick Home to you so that they may suffer no more.  Walk beside my mother so that she will never have to walk alone.  After all of that is accomplished in Your name, Lord, then bless me.  

I know You will do all these things - because I have faith that You will. 

Why, oh why did You save me?  Why did You count me worthy to be loved once more?  I will do great things in Your name.  Make suffering a part of that, Lord.  It is hard for me to pray for suffering, but only then will I know I am truly Yours.  

Your love endures forever.

Sometimes, it's hard to go back to reality after moments like these, but the truth is - You are reality, Lord.  Your beauty is real.  Your love is real.  Your hope is real.  You are in every moment of every day.  You are the reality and that is beautiful!

You are no farther from me now as you were 3 hours ago when I was standing in line - 3 weeks ago when I was dancing at a reception - 3 years ago when I couldn't see a way out of a relationship - 3 decades ago when I was just a breath on Your lips.

We come, we go, we live, we die.  How am I supposed to share that with others?

It's too much power.  I didn't know how to handle it.  I give it to You, Lord.  You handle it.  The fear of my potential leaves me frozen.  I won't know how to handle it once I tap into it.  I fear I will be foolish with it.  Lord, I give it to You.  There is love, and there is fear.  Your love casts out all fears.  Some people won't like me - but it will be unmistakable who I stand for.  

Grant me courage.

Grant me nothing except that which I will use for Your glory only!

Help me to be Your little girl.  Even if no one else watches as I dance on stage - twirling, You are there - looking on and loving Your creation.  I want to make You proud of me, Lord.

I am going to keep singing my song, and painting my canvas.  That's all I know to do do is to just be.  I don't know how that could be good enough for You - but it is.

I'll share every moment of this life with You, Lord.  That brings me joy nothing else ever could. 

Love You, forever.

Colleen