Lights, Camera, Action!

So.....i just walked out of my U.S. public policy-making class (we got out early..yesss!) and the prof. only lectured for 45 minutes. i have 10-12 pages of notes, that's front AND back. that's just madness. fortunately, the subject matter intrigues me, but most things intrigue me, even science, a little. kinda makes me wonder what it's going to be like when she lectures the whole 3 hours. i think we are going to have the first half be a quiz on the reading (usually 3-4 chapters a week, along with some journals and articles or reviews on policies and impacts and so forth) then some discussion w/ a small group to gain a better understanding of what we read, and finally, an hour and a half lecture so she can fill in the gaps that the readings left out....what? you mean there's more? now, to any normal person, well, one that likes this stuff like i do anyway, this doesn't sound incredibly impossible. unfortunately, i have, what some might call a deficiency in the memory department of my brain, and what some might call, an overabundance in the energy department. i love to learn. i love to process material, gain perspective from others (even those who might be less informed on the subject matter), and sort out how i can use what i've gained to make a contribution, whether through informing others, making informed decisions, myself, or taking action. however, so many times i have tried to retain all this information....and it just doesn't seem possible for me. i have a particularly hard time with names and dates, processes, even names of theories and who formed them and sometimes even how it all relates to the subject matter at hand. while the professor is lecturing i understand completely. while people are discussing, i can comprehend and follow the discussion. when i am reading, i can understand what the writer's intentions are....if i can stay focused long enough to get to that part. i use all of this information to form what i feel and what i need to do. unfortunately, if you asked me to back up how i feel, i might not be able to be very specific. this is very frustrating. i think i come off as flaky or unaware sometimes, especially when i am in a room full of powerful personalities (not necessarily powerful people, i usually like hanging out with them). i am so self-conscious that i am not going to be able to dig out of my brain the proper material i will need to help explain where i am coming from, that i often keep my mouth shut, or, the powerful personalities are so busy yelling at each other, there's really no room for any real discussion anyway. sometimes i try to engage in conversation with some of the quieter people, only to realize that some of them are really uninformed and choose to stay that way so they don't feel accountable or responsible. hey, sometimes it's tempting, but the better part of me that would like to pursue the higher ground won't allow me to become stagnant. thank goodness. i think what it boils down to is that i like to gain any knowledge in any subject, whether it's stats on the last football game, what the latest fads are for teenagers so i can use it to discuss where God fits in for them and gain new material for ministry, what different plays are considered "good theatre" and why, what programs are available in the community and what can we do to improve them, marlow's pyramid on what a person needs to survive (in dealing with social work and crisis situations), basic communication methods and how to improve them, technology, astronomy, zoology, psychology, Philippians Chapter 4, what's new in washington and who's griping about it and why, the latest national crisis, the most innovative fundraising ideas and how to execute them, different ideas on setting goals and being a good leader, etc. etc. etc. etc. seriously, the list goes on forever.....and that's just the information i've obtained within the last three days. i feel like i'm on information overload, but i love to be knowledgable about many different areas, so i can communicate and relate to a lot of different people. when it comes down to it, though, i realize that sometimes you have to stop and look around you and just see what's going on right now, where you are. i know that means i might not be obtaining information at that time...i hardly ever retain it anyway, right? :) but, i actually am obtaining information, just of a different sort. i'm learning about people, real people that are in my world, and what i can do to make their world a little easier. i guess that is more important than being up-to-date on the latest stats sometimes. maybe it's not so frustrating after all, maybe it's exactly how i am supposed to be to fulfill the purpose God created me for. maybe....instead of being so frustrated because i fear i'll be unable to hold my own in a conversation about different aspects of theatre, politics, or anything else....i'll just relax and realize that, that person who thought they just outsmarted me in a political debate discussing the ramifications of the Bush administration on small business, probably has no idea what the score was in the Lion's game last night....but i know a little about both :) well, i better go. i have an audition tonight....i get to go onstage and completely jump into the life of someone else for a while...and hope that i interpreted it the same way the director feels it should be....why is everything a contest?

Empty Stage

It's funny, the way your mind wanders when there's nobody around to interrupt the thought process. It's almost scary sometimes to think how far your mind can take you before you realize that you have lost yourself, for a moment, in a world that only exists because some stimuli triggered your thought process. You bring yourself slowly back to the reality that is in front of you, and hope no one could guess what you were thinking by the expression on your face. Or sometimes, when there's nothing, and after a while you force yourself to think of something to remind yourself that you are still capable of thought, and that you are not lost in the nothing that is in your head. The most intriguing, though, is the moment where everything clicks. You've been racking your brain about something, anything really, and it all comes together, and suddenly, you have a plan. Huh. It seems those moments of clarity can't last too long, though. It's nice and all, but I think I feel better when I'm processing things. It reminds me that there's always room to grow. In those moments, however, I can also sit back and appreciate how far I've come. Hm. I've learned a lot in the quiet moments.

A lot can happen in a month......

or, sometimes, nothing at all..... wow, it's almost been too long since i wrote last to catch up on everything....so i won't. spent the fourth of july in cass city with family. it rocked.....but it always does. the fourth is one of my favorite holidays, along with christmas. i've been to the church a few times, but don't really know what God is leading me to do there, yet. i'm sure that will begin to come together in the next couple of weeks. started doing a show at the zoo on saturdays...song and dance thing, with a tour of some of the animals....it's sooo disney channel, and it is a blast! still working at the juvenile home, this week is my last week.....i'm kinda having a hard time with that. junior camp at bay shore was last week, and that totally rocked!! super cal was back again, and full of energy.....got to witness one of my kids from elkton decide to make Jesus a big part of her life....i will never forget it....and i can't wait to meet up with her in heaven. my friend Jen got married this weekend, as did my friends Arin and Shupe....best of luck!! it's three thirty in the morning and i can't sleep......i have to be up in three and a half hours.....it's not looking good, but i'll manage. sometimes these restless nights are good for me....gives me some time to pray and hash things out in my head. i don't pray enough. it's a good thing my Spirit prays on my behalf with groans that go beyond words, but i still need to pray more. it's too easy to think of God as a distant relative that we only see at holidays, and maybe talk to once in a while when something reminds us of Him, or He's sent us something great. God is my Father....Jesus is my best friend....and the Holy Spirit sweeps the halls of my heart every day. there's nothing distant about that. 'night.