The Raw Deal

I just typed an entire letter that I had written to God a few days ago...but I decided to delete it. Some things are best left between Him and me, you know? There are a million things I would love to write about right now. I love the song "Lucy in the Sky (with Diamonds)" I think I could use a midnight snack. I just watched a James Dean movie, and fell in love with him... Today I had to stop and take a moment just to stare in wonder at the snow piled above my knees on either side of the sidewalk, and suddenly I found myself wishing I had one of those snowsuits that cover your whole body. For some reason, when I was young, I can remember my shoes always being wet...no matter what time of year it was..."squish, shquiche" Hm. I could write my thoughts...but God knows every one...I'll let them swish around a bit more in my head...and then maybe I'll make a jell-o mold out what's left and throw it as high as I can in the air, and let it rain down like slime the next time someone says "I don't know". I have been secretly stealing hours in the night to read Goldie Hawn's autobiography. I finished it with dried tears on my cheeks, and a renewed strength and confidence in the spirit that grows wild within me. Reading used to unlock something within me when I was a child...something secret and ancient, as if the story had already lived somewhere within me, and needed a special key to unlock the old room in my heart that contained it, allowing me to live more freely with each turn of the page. I think I will secretly continue to steal hours in the night...

Wish For a Snow Day.....

Granted. God is good to me....not just because of the snow day, but just because...

I was really kind of hoping for a snow day today. Not for me, but for the high school students that are coming over today. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and should be happy they are coming over. I think I'm just tired. I would love to sleep through one entire night, uninterrupted. One eight hour night of bliss would be excellent. Sometimes, I don't mind these late nights with myself. Usually, it's the only time I gain true perspective, or have moments of clarity. It's nights like these where I can laugh at myself, and realize how much I like to feel sorry for myself. I have to be careful, though, because I have a tendency to get down on myself, as well. It's so funny, we're all such attention grabbers in the theatre department. I find myself so annoyed at people who go on and on about how tired they are, or how they haven't had any sleep, or how much work they have to get done, and I want to scream at them. The truth is, though, I only want to scream at them because I am thinking about myself, and how tired I am, and how much work I have to get done. It's all really pretty selfish behavior, actually. If I choose to skip class to come up with choreography for a rehearsal, the opperative word being choose, then I can't be upset when the director allows an actor to miss to catch up on work that should have been done long ago. I chose to skip class. I missed the quiz. I did it. Getting upset at other people for a choice I made will only lead to more bad choices. When I choose to change, that's when things will change, not when people finally see how hard I work to make things the best they can be, not when people finally see how much I am stretched, causing me to be unable to give 100 percent to anything I am involved in. (Yes, I know you shouldn't end the sentence in a preposition, lay off, it's 5 in the morning, and nobody reads this but me, anyway.) I guess the realization I came to tonight, but have also come to in the past so hopefully it starts to sink in soon, is that no one is going to come around and give me a gold star for sacrifices made, or a job well done. First, you have to do a good job to get a star, and everyone else is too busy getting their work done to have time to stop by my place and give me one. Second, who cares? If the only reason we do the things we do is to receive affirmation, then we shouldn't receive it, anyway. I know, deep down, that's not why I do the things I do, but sometimes it's easy to be blinded and embittered by the fact that we think nobody notices what we do, or who we are. Hey Colleen, get over yourself....and get some damn sleep, for pete's sake.