I often label each year, both as they begin, and again as they come to a close. I think I mark each birthday as more of a step into the future, rather than that blasted New Year's. 29 was about finishing commitments...finally seeing something through...and it was a remarkable year.
30 was about moving forward. Suddenly, I found myself working so hard that my life became about nothing but doing a good job. I've always wanted to be a hard worker, so much so that I finally prayed for it, every day, for quite some time. I got what I wanted. I also got everything that comes with it....exhaustion, more responsibility, and also many rewards (I was just too exhausted to see them at the time.)
So, 31 was to be about balance. I had time in the school to learn the ropes (still wanting to know more about establishing lesson plans, etc.), but we did have a new state-of-the-art auditorium that nobody knew how to run...and the expectation fell to me to learn the new equipment. As I turned 31, we had just come off a very successful Gala...the second show at SASA that I had created from scratch. That first semester, the Theatre class helped with almost 30 events that took place in the auditoriums. I quickly realized that the balance thing was going to take everything I had left, if I was really serious about finding it. I also realized balance was going to be crucial to my own well-being. By October, I couldn't see straight, and I couldn't sleep (averaging roughly 3 hours a night). October 13th came and went...and balance seemed like a far off wish as I blew out the metaphorical candles that year.
Something had to be done, and fast. I approached the administration for help. I sat in their office and said that if things continued the way they were, without help, I would not make it to the end of the semester. I was dismissed with a wave, and told that they had an important meeting to attend, and we would have to continue this conversation at another time. We never spoke about it again, until later that year when I was brought into the office to be reprimanded for leaving students unattended in the auditorium, and for not being able to get an event set up in time, the second event for that day. Realizing that there would be no help from my supervisors, I had to make changes, and make them fast. I moved into an apartment with a friend, hoping to save money, and put myself into a position to have to be more social. The move came in October, with all the craziness that month brought. The move was the best decision I could have made. This is the happiest I have ever been in an apartment, and with a roommate...I love my living situation. So, I had one good move in the right direction, but so much work was ahead of me. The play in November was rough. I did things that needed to be done for the sake of setting a professional precedence, but it wasn't easy. Good-bye to staying in a situation because it was comfortable...hello to beginning to find the benefit of making a plan.
The night of the last show, I received a call from my dad's sister in Colorado. She hadn't spoken to me in 15 years. She called me and told me that my grandmother had passed away....seven days ago. Before that, I spoke to my grandmother every month, at least, if not more. I loved her dearly. I was furious, and heart broken. Nobody called me. I still have yet to hear from my dad at all. Did they even think to call? My grandmother had been sick for a few days when she fell. I had spoken to her a few days before she fell, and knew she wasn't feeling well. One of the last things my grandmother said to me was "Colleen, I hate my life". When they took her to the hospital, the doctors found tumors in her brain. They put her in a nursing home, and within a week her heart gave out, and she died. I think her heart was broken, too. My biggest fear was that she thought they called me and I didn't come, or even call. I hope she realized that I didn't know. I would have been there. I asked my aunt why nobody called me, and she told me they didn't know she was going to die. I don't care whether she was going to die, the point was she was sick and needed me. I know she was alone. This might possibly be my biggest regret. Good-bye Grandma Colleen...I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think of you.
My uncle, at this time, was already in Arkansas for treatment. After my grandmother passed, I withdrew quite a bit from people, in general. I knew my uncle was not doing well, but I stayed busy with school, December being one of our busiest months for performances. I can barely remember the talent shows that we put on for the school. I was just going through the motions by then, but was falling apart inside. When my uncle passed in January, I sort of just...shut off. I realized the most consistent male figure in my life was gone...and I had never told him how much he meant to me. He was one of those people everyone kind of ends up taking for granted. We all miss him, but we definitely weren't there for him as much as we could have been...except for my mother. Bless her heart, the woman knows how to come through for the broken-hearted, at the most important time. I could learn a lot from my mother about compassion, and sacrifice, and strength. Good-bye Uncle Ray...thank you...for everything. I hope you have found peace.
I realized, at that time, that I had a choice. I could give in to all of this loss, or I could use it to change my life. I knew how unhealthy my grandmother and uncle were when they passed, and how unhappy they were. God had blessed me with a sound mind and healthy body. It was time to take advantage of these health benefits I received from the job I worked so hard for. I made an appointment with every doctor I could think of, and began a workout regimen with my roommate. I also....decided I needed to put myself out there and start dating, for the first time in my life. I had hung out here and there when there was a real connection with someone, and had a couple of relationships, but I had never actually dated. I also began to leave the school by 7pm. No matter what was happening, I would drop it on the desk and walk out. Sometimes I would leave right after rehearsal at 6pm! Good-bye bad habits and 15 hour days.
The dating thing didn't really take off until March, but by then I was ready. I had been working out, was in great shape, and even lost some weight. I had cut out caffeine in January, and was sleeping more regularly (I could actually take a nap sometimes!). I was eating better, and starting to go out of town on weekends and visit old friends. I was also gaining confidence in my ability as a teacher. Up until that point, I second-guessed myself all the time. Now, I knew I had what it took to take this program to a different level. We just needed to finish this year, at this point, keep learning the new equipment, and look forward to starting fresh the following year, in a different (better!) direction.
When the dating thing took off, I was lucky enough to meet someone who was a great first date for me. He was confident enough, and outgoing enough, to catch my attention right away, and kind of steer things along, while I figured out how this whole dating thing works. I caught myself going into some old habits, but overall it was an okay experience. We ended up being too different, and we both wanted to pursue dating other people, neither one of us wanting to get serious. Overall, he wasn't the nicest guy I could meet, but I am grateful for him just the same. I'm not sure I would have been able to jump in with both feet with anyone else. Through him, I fell in love....with the city of Detroit. It took a few more months for me to really get this dating thing down, and some of it has been frustrating. A lot of it, though, has been fantastic. I am happy to say that I am starting to give the nice guys a second date...and starting to kiss way too many men from other countries. Haha....suffice to say, dating is going well. Good-bye to detaching myself from people....hello to new opportunities, and not feeling guilty about enjoying my life. Hello to happiness.
When I found out that Sean had been fatally shot, it was like my heart stopped beating. Never had the violence in this city hit so close to home. We joked about taking ballroom dance lessons one day. It's still on the list. Some day. Good-bye my friend...what an example you were for us all.
My sister and her husband moved to Kalkaska. This was the first time our immediate family was split up since my brother had returned to Michigan so many years ago. My sister and her husband had taken off and hiked the Appalachian Trail (I had saved all of her voicemail messages, in case I never saw them again...so silly). I assumed they would come back, and we would carry on as usual. I never realized how wonderful, and how convenient it was that my family lived so close. I always thought I would be the one to leave again. I miss my sister being a regular part of my life. Good-bye to the opportunity to see you every day if I wanted. But, I know you are happy, and that makes me happy. I know that mom misses you, though. You should call her. :)
My dear Ellen....saying good-bye to her was the hardest thing. It brought back when I stood by the bed of my little sister's best friend in high school. I have never prayed so long and so focused as I did at her bedside. It was as if I were channeling every ounce of peace inside of me to her...or trying to, at least. I went to see her on my lunch break. I am so glad I did. I never want to miss the opportunity to tell someone how wonderful they are again. Good-bye sweet soul....thanks for being true.
The end of the year came and went. I actually had energy left over, and was able to make plans, and continue working hard to the end. This was the first year that had happened. I knew I was heading in the right direction, with everything. I was still fighting to work out regularly, but managing to stay fit. I was awkward with the whole dating thing, but starting to get my wits about me. I was holding my ground and sticking up for myself. I was making plans with the other teachers for some extraordinary ideas for the following year. I was traveling. I was....happy.
Now, I find myself saying good-bye again. My world has completely changed in the last three weeks. I catch myself withdrawing again, detaching. I think it's because I know what's coming. I wish I had the opportunity for a proper good-bye with my students. The idea of just leaving them seems unfair...to them, mostly. It still hurts my heart to think of them. This is the first time I have ever felt sad about leaving a community. I have a heart for Saginaw, but my heart is too broken to stay, I'm afraid. Plus, I can't imagine any opportunity showing it's face around here in time for me to actually grab hold of it and be able to make a living. That means I will probably say good-bye to my roommate, as well. I can honestly say, I think he is the first BFF I've ever had. I'm 31 years old and finally have my first true best friend. I feel uncomfortable about leaving my mother. My sister has moved, and now I might, too. I know she supports anything I do, and she wants me to be happy, even if that means leaving. I also know that she deserves the world...I wish I could give it to her.
I'm not sure what God has planned for me in the immediate future. Today, I found myself sitting on my bed and staring off into space for a few hours, surrounded by medical bills coming in due to my benefits being dropped, not really knowing what to do. When I started this blog, I was sad, and lonely, and felt this whole thing was unfair. I was angry that this year had so many good-byes. Now, though, I feel....free...as the tears dry on my cheeks, and I allow myself to feel sad, angry, hurt, and even a bit...afraid, and just say whatever it is I want to say, without thought or edit. I realize that this year was about balance. If not for the good-byes, I don't think the balance would have been possible. My life has had many good-byes...but it also has had some extraordinary hellos. The fact that I have lost all of these things means that I had them in the first place. I am so truly blessed. Many more good-byes are in my future...that's just the way my life has always gone....but it's okay...I'll be okay...not in spite of it, but because of it.
Good-bye to the heart break I have been feeling for so long this year....hello to new beginnings, a chance to change and grow, and some wonderful memories that will forever be the place I go back to when I need love...and peace. The end of the year always brings a different label than the beginning. I do not know where I will be when I blow out the candles this year. I do know, though, that it will not be anywhere I expected, and it will be exactly where I need to be in order to become the person I have prayed God would help me become. It truly is time to move forward.
