tabled...again.

it's a funny thing, sitting in front of a blank screen, so sure you are brimming with so many things to write, yet, when prompted by the cursor to begin, you find nothing is in your head or your heart but weariness and maybe even emptiness; not emptiness for lack of faith or lack of responsibilities, but emptiness due to being in the delayed part of delayed gratification. i feel like mourning right now. i feel like mourning the fact that i was tabled, yet again. the fact that i don't understand why shows me that i must have some sort of confidence or belief in myself as a person of value, or i wouldn't be so surprised and hurt when i'm tabled. i asked for a clear sign tonight one way or another and i received exactly what i asked for, yet it has made me so sad i can't begin to explain it. maybe it's because i already knew the answer and still refused to accept and move in a different direction, which would have given me the edge and bragging rights for staying one step ahead of the game. i repeat this same scenario over and over, and i never change my part. they say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, the funny thing? i don't expect a different result...it's like i know exactly what i'm getting myself into right from the beginning and i still play the part to perfection that will get me where i least want to be. i was once labeled a self-sabotager...screw labels. i will wake up a different person tomorrow than i was today. i will wake up relieved and pissed because the decision was made for me. i will wake up, breathe in and out and realize i've been given another day, another chance to love on others who have been tabled their whole lives. my stuff was literally put on a table by someone else as a sign that it was time for me to leave. tabled. again. part of me is pissed that i didn't make the decision first. part of me is relieved because i probably wouldn't have made the best choice. part of me is pissed that i wouldn't have made the best choice. part of me is wondering why. part of me knows. part of me wishes i would talk more about things that are truly on my mind, or on my heart, and confront things as they come instead of analyzing a great response later. part of me keeps trying to fix things that aren't broken, while allowing the things that are broken to sit in the driveway untouched. part of me wishes i could carry a conversation like i carry a pen. part of me realizes there is something greater at work here. part of me wishes i could fix it. part of me can't quit. part of me already has. part of me isn't really worried about any of it, knowing that i will never come up with a solid answer or solution, and that i can never know exactly what someone else is thinking. part of me also understands that being awake almost 48 hours can really begin to mess with your emotions. that part of me tells me that it is time to bid farewell, even though there are a million pieces of me i would like to begin to peice together all in the time span of one blog. i hope...suddenly i sit here hoping...and falling asleep.

Everything is Efemeral

i sit my legs curled under me bare feet cool on a barely-lit stage light pools splash across my back spilling onto the empty chairs cross-legged on the apron of the bare bones stage peering out into the crowdless space suddenly i begin to see them take shape the subtext of their existence playing out across my heart as they search for the perfect seat and wait for the story to unfold the elderly couple walk down the aisle hand in hand they select a seat in the front row so she will be able to hear and see everything more clearly her eyes light up as the song and dance commence he lightly reaches for her hand hoping to take part in her adventure the mom and dad file into the fifth row just left of center mom hides her camera from the usher while dad sits wishing he were golfing their little angel floats across the stage suddenly both come to life exchanging prideful smiles of a shared success the college freshman saunters in remembering to remove his ballcap and turn off his phone he chooses a seat near the wall in the back as the curtain rises for Act II he leans his head back, closes his eyes, and falls asleep she walks in dressed in her theatre best and chooses a seat towards the front as she waits for the play to begin she glances longingly at the seat to her left her husband would always sit to her left and take her to a late dinner after the show the characters come out onto the stage as her tears silently fall onto the program in her lap a society man ushers the tall blonde to his reserved seats in the third row he shakes the hand of the playhouse owner and introduces his fair maiden they then sit and chatter lightly waiting for the play to begin smiling warmly at each other when the lights dim each knowing the relationship is as efemeral as the show they are about to see he walks in with his head down as people stare menacingly at his mohawk and chains he slides into the aisle seat towards the back wondering why he came she steps out onto the stage and begins to sing mesmerized, he is transfixed on her beauty and is sure she is singing only to him she walks in with a book in her hand stopping at the door and scanning the room she notices the boy with the mohawk sitting near the back she quietly slips into the seat across the aisle and opens her book watching him watching her becomes too unbearable and she quietly slips out the door the two girls walk in talking loudly to each other as they make their way to the front sitting near the wall in the front row they giggle and tease tossing their hair and scanning the room as they pretend to listen to one another they stand and scream and hug their friends as they arrive hoping to get their fifteen minutes before the actors take the stage the old man takes his seat in the third row near the wall on the left he sits quietly reading the program, adjusting his spectacles as he scans the pages he is reminded of a painting he has hanging in his parlor above the mantel the lights dim as he sets down the program and awaits the magic on stage he is home my thoughts are interrupted by footsteps behind me "it's time to go", he says "it's quite late." as we turn out the lights and begin to walk out, i look back and see them sitting, waiting for someone to carry them to a place they would rather be

Is There a Dream Analyst in the Building?

i've been having some horrible dreams the past week and a half. it's just now starting to take its toll this week. the only way i can describe what kind of dreams is to explain the one i had last night...when i woke up i remembered almost every detail, but more than that, i can remember how it made me feel. i've been having trouble getting to sleep, finally fading away around 2 or 3, or 5 depending on the night. for those that know me, that's really nothing new. i haven't been waking up a million times a night, like usual, which would normally be a good thing, but it doesn't allow me to escape these dreams. i think a dream analyst would have a hay day with this one, though...what the heck is a hay day anyway? the dream began with me, my friend Carp and his wife Katie in my grandmother's old apartment in colorado. suddenly they got up and said they had to go, they had another life to live...just like that, then they left...suddenly my little sister DeAnna, and my mom were there. we were talking together because DeAnna had just lost a baby...she was talking calmly about information she received, and i confirmed it, apprehensively. she then told me that she hated me and never wanted to speak to me again. my mom just stood in the background, and she wouldn't look at me. my sister's friend Raven came in to get her, and as they were leaving, Raven turned and said, "sometimes you do things that just don't make any sense, Colleen." and they left. suddenly, i was in my jeep, on my way to pick up some teenage girls to bring them to an activity. we pulled up to my old middle school in cass city (that has been torn down for years) and went inside. the band Sprout was playing in a small room off to the side...i walked around a little looking for the teenage girls and when i got back into the same room, the girls from "Taffetas" were singing - but the sound kept cutting out and people started talking and yelling and stuff...finally the girls left the stage area, which was actually just a sheet hung up with a microphone in front of it and cords everywhere. they got the sound working again, and Darryn came out instead of the girls, so they had her start from the beginning but pick up the pace so she could speed through the stuff we already heard...she tried to go with it but lost her place. she got really frustrated and finally stopped singing and left the stage area because the sound cut off again. everybody was mad and started to leave, and a lady muttered to me on the way out, "they should find the music man...and fire him." i desparately grabbed some of the cords and started plugging things in and messing with the equipment, not really knowing what i was doing. just when i was plugging in the last cord, the last person walked out, but i had actually fixed it, and the sound system was working. a lady came in and told me it was a lost cause...hadn't i seen what happened to Sprout? (i never figured out what she was talking about) i told her no and she just shook her head and left, and as i walked out into the hallway, more people were shaking their heads in disgust. i finally found the teenagers i had brought with me, and after talking with them, i realized none of their parents knew they were at the school...one girls' parents knew, but she was supposed to have been home hours ago. i finally got them to stay in my jeep, there were about six of them at this time, while i went inside to pick up my stuff. i was furious and scared to death that their parents would never trust me again. i found my stuff piled up in a bathroom (it was all the stuff i own that's packed in boxes in my room right now) i had to choose one box to grab because i didn't have time or room to grab more. my friend from high school, Janis, found me and said she could take one for me, so i grabbed my picture box and gave her the box with my childhood memories. she said she was going to walk to her car around the corner, and i told her i thought it was dangerous. she said it was no big deal ,so i followed her around the corner to make sure she made it safely...when we turned the corner, suddenly we were on a street just outside an apartment i used to live in when i was in fourth grade. there were some guys standing around staring at us, and further down the street near her car were two men hitting another guy with a chain (crazy, i know) i said sarcastically, "how about i give you a ride" and she said calmly "yeah, that sounds like a good idea." we turn and walk towards where my jeep was supposed to be and it was gone. i remember not being the least bit surprised because i had left my keys in it with all those girls. that's when everything becomes a blur for a while and the stories all begin to blend together (must have been one of those REM cycles;) suddenly i am sitting on a motorized scooter, and my other friend from high school, Melissa, is standing on the back, holding on for dear life. we are either looking for Janis, or Janis is following us and we can't figure out which one. we are not wearing helmets and we both have party clothes on...(the wierdest thing, my friend melissa is her high school self, not the melissa i know now.) we are going very fast along a dark highway surrounded by pine trees, the highway curves a lot and it is pretty chilly outside. i never slow down, even when we come to a group of on and off ramps and forks in the road (exactly like the ones near downtown grand rapids.) someone has taken all the signs down...the signs are there, but they are all blank, so we don't know which way to go, and we don't have any lights on the scooter. i veer towards the one in the middle, letting my memory be my guide. suddenly there are cars crowding around getting on and off the highway, and people are swerving and passing, and nobody has any lights, but they all seemed to know where they were going. finally, all the cars disappeared and i sped up to catch up with Janis. everything becomes a blur again, and i'm still driving, but never actually stop anywhere. suddenly i'm walking down a big hallway, that circles around the outside edge of a huge circular dome. i do not go into the doors that lead to the center, i just keep walking around the edge in a very wide corridor. the lighting is comforting, and i seem relieved to have made it. i am all by myself, and start walking faster, excited to be back, even though i'd never been there before. the corridor is separted by double doors every fifty feet or so, i walk through a couple different sets of doors, until i walk around a corner and pass a really big, black dog. he is scraggly and mean. he jumps on me as i pass him and i put my arm up to protect my face, i use all my might to push him off a bit and reach for a plastic chair that is near me. i manage to pull the chair over my head and top of my back, as i try to run for the door. the dog lunges at my back and knocks me to the floor, the chair still shielding me. two girls walk in from the center doors and call the dog catcher, but they are extremely calm, as if this kind of thing happens every day, and they seem annoyed to have to call. suddenly the dog catcher is there, and a lot of people begin to crowd around...(watching the whole thing as if someone is trying to pull gum out of my hair, instead of stopping a big, mean dog from attacking me.) the dog catcher is just standing there with one of those noose things they use and i overhear him say to one of the bystanders that he can only grab the dog and interfere if the dog is biting my head or face. i remember thinking in my head that he was a government issued dog catcher and i was in trouble. so i began yelling, "ow, ow, my head...i can feel his teeth" which wasn't a lie because i could really feel them in the back of my head. the dog catcher noosed the dog and walked him out calmly and everyone left without saying a word. the two girls went back in through the double doors leading to the center of the building, and i knew i couldn't follow them because i wasn't allowed in there, even though, again, there were no signs. i walk through the next set of double doors in the corridor, a little disoriented, and i notice this section of corridor is much longer than all the rest...i can't even see the next set of double doors around the corner, but i know they are there so i keep walking. i see another dog sleeping, but this one is shorter and much fatter, and light brown. i quietly pass the dog without disturbing him and head for the next set of doors...i turn back around just in time to see Amanda (a new freshman in the theatre department) walk past the dog. the dog wakes up and Amanda starts running towards me. i yell at her to stop running just as she is getting close to me...i step in between her and the dog, and put my arm up in front of my face, whincing and thinking desparately "here we go again." the dog lunges at me but isn't nearly as strong as the last one. i decide quickly to try a new tactic, so i pet him and coo and start scratching his back. the dog stops and his foot starts thumping, so I send Amanda ahead to get safely through the doors. every few steps i have to stop and pet the dog or he begins to get mean again. i look up and see Amanda peeking through the circular window on the door. i still have quite a distance between me and the door, taking it one step at a time...i'm finally almost there...and that's when i woke up. it was already nine o'clock, and i decided not to even try to get back to sleep. when i finally had the feeling that everything would be okay, that's when i woke up, but not once before that...which, like i said, is very strange for me, usually i wake up three or four times a night. i slept straight through from about 3 to 9...a full six hours of uninterrupted terror.