it would appear my life is at a low point....a very low point. On the surface sometimes it catches me in a choke hold.
However, inside...deep within me, at the core...I have found the secret. I am more at peace than I have ever been in my life. I have found true joy. I am happy.
I wish you the peace that I know...
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
The Year of Good-Bye
August 18, 2011
I often label each year, both as they begin, and again as they come to a close. I think I mark each birthday as more of a step into the future, rather than that blasted New Year's. 29 was about finishing commitments...finally seeing something through...and it was a remarkable year.
30 was about moving forward. Suddenly, I found myself working so hard that my life became about nothing but doing a good job. I've always wanted to be a hard worker, so much so that I finally prayed for it, every day, for quite some time. I got what I wanted. I also got everything that comes with it....exhaustion, more responsibility, and also many rewards (I was just too exhausted to see them at the time.)
So, 31 was to be about balance. I had time in the school to learn the ropes (still wanting to know more about establishing lesson plans, etc.), but we did have a new state-of-the-art auditorium that nobody knew how to run...and the expectation fell to me to learn the new equipment. As I turned 31, we had just come off a very successful Gala...the second show at SASA that I had created from scratch. That first semester, the Theatre class helped with almost 30 events that took place in the auditoriums. I quickly realized that the balance thing was going to take everything I had left, if I was really serious about finding it. I also realized balance was going to be crucial to my own well-being. By October, I couldn't see straight, and I couldn't sleep (averaging roughly 3 hours a night). October 13th came and went...and balance seemed like a far off wish as I blew out the metaphorical candles that year.
Something had to be done, and fast. I approached the administration for help. I sat in their office and said that if things continued the way they were, without help, I would not make it to the end of the semester. I was dismissed with a wave, and told that they had an important meeting to attend, and we would have to continue this conversation at another time. We never spoke about it again, until later that year when I was brought into the office to be reprimanded for leaving students unattended in the auditorium, and for not being able to get an event set up in time, the second event for that day. Realizing that there would be no help from my supervisors, I had to make changes, and make them fast. I moved into an apartment with a friend, hoping to save money, and put myself into a position to have to be more social. The move came in October, with all the craziness that month brought. The move was the best decision I could have made. This is the happiest I have ever been in an apartment, and with a roommate...I love my living situation. So, I had one good move in the right direction, but so much work was ahead of me. The play in November was rough. I did things that needed to be done for the sake of setting a professional precedence, but it wasn't easy. Good-bye to staying in a situation because it was comfortable...hello to beginning to find the benefit of making a plan.
The night of the last show, I received a call from my dad's sister in Colorado. She hadn't spoken to me in 15 years. She called me and told me that my grandmother had passed away....seven days ago. Before that, I spoke to my grandmother every month, at least, if not more. I loved her dearly. I was furious, and heart broken. Nobody called me. I still have yet to hear from my dad at all. Did they even think to call? My grandmother had been sick for a few days when she fell. I had spoken to her a few days before she fell, and knew she wasn't feeling well. One of the last things my grandmother said to me was "Colleen, I hate my life". When they took her to the hospital, the doctors found tumors in her brain. They put her in a nursing home, and within a week her heart gave out, and she died. I think her heart was broken, too. My biggest fear was that she thought they called me and I didn't come, or even call. I hope she realized that I didn't know. I would have been there. I asked my aunt why nobody called me, and she told me they didn't know she was going to die. I don't care whether she was going to die, the point was she was sick and needed me. I know she was alone. This might possibly be my biggest regret. Good-bye Grandma Colleen...I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think of you.
My uncle, at this time, was already in Arkansas for treatment. After my grandmother passed, I withdrew quite a bit from people, in general. I knew my uncle was not doing well, but I stayed busy with school, December being one of our busiest months for performances. I can barely remember the talent shows that we put on for the school. I was just going through the motions by then, but was falling apart inside. When my uncle passed in January, I sort of just...shut off. I realized the most consistent male figure in my life was gone...and I had never told him how much he meant to me. He was one of those people everyone kind of ends up taking for granted. We all miss him, but we definitely weren't there for him as much as we could have been...except for my mother. Bless her heart, the woman knows how to come through for the broken-hearted, at the most important time. I could learn a lot from my mother about compassion, and sacrifice, and strength. Good-bye Uncle Ray...thank you...for everything. I hope you have found peace.
I realized, at that time, that I had a choice. I could give in to all of this loss, or I could use it to change my life. I knew how unhealthy my grandmother and uncle were when they passed, and how unhappy they were. God had blessed me with a sound mind and healthy body. It was time to take advantage of these health benefits I received from the job I worked so hard for. I made an appointment with every doctor I could think of, and began a workout regimen with my roommate. I also....decided I needed to put myself out there and start dating, for the first time in my life. I had hung out here and there when there was a real connection with someone, and had a couple of relationships, but I had never actually dated. I also began to leave the school by 7pm. No matter what was happening, I would drop it on the desk and walk out. Sometimes I would leave right after rehearsal at 6pm! Good-bye bad habits and 15 hour days.
The dating thing didn't really take off until March, but by then I was ready. I had been working out, was in great shape, and even lost some weight. I had cut out caffeine in January, and was sleeping more regularly (I could actually take a nap sometimes!). I was eating better, and starting to go out of town on weekends and visit old friends. I was also gaining confidence in my ability as a teacher. Up until that point, I second-guessed myself all the time. Now, I knew I had what it took to take this program to a different level. We just needed to finish this year, at this point, keep learning the new equipment, and look forward to starting fresh the following year, in a different (better!) direction.
When the dating thing took off, I was lucky enough to meet someone who was a great first date for me. He was confident enough, and outgoing enough, to catch my attention right away, and kind of steer things along, while I figured out how this whole dating thing works. I caught myself going into some old habits, but overall it was an okay experience. We ended up being too different, and we both wanted to pursue dating other people, neither one of us wanting to get serious. Overall, he wasn't the nicest guy I could meet, but I am grateful for him just the same. I'm not sure I would have been able to jump in with both feet with anyone else. Through him, I fell in love....with the city of Detroit. It took a few more months for me to really get this dating thing down, and some of it has been frustrating. A lot of it, though, has been fantastic. I am happy to say that I am starting to give the nice guys a second date...and starting to kiss way too many men from other countries. Haha....suffice to say, dating is going well. Good-bye to detaching myself from people....hello to new opportunities, and not feeling guilty about enjoying my life. Hello to happiness.
When I found out that Sean had been fatally shot, it was like my heart stopped beating. Never had the violence in this city hit so close to home. We joked about taking ballroom dance lessons one day. It's still on the list. Some day. Good-bye my friend...what an example you were for us all.
My sister and her husband moved to Kalkaska. This was the first time our immediate family was split up since my brother had returned to Michigan so many years ago. My sister and her husband had taken off and hiked the Appalachian Trail (I had saved all of her voicemail messages, in case I never saw them again...so silly). I assumed they would come back, and we would carry on as usual. I never realized how wonderful, and how convenient it was that my family lived so close. I always thought I would be the one to leave again. I miss my sister being a regular part of my life. Good-bye to the opportunity to see you every day if I wanted. But, I know you are happy, and that makes me happy. I know that mom misses you, though. You should call her. :)
My dear Ellen....saying good-bye to her was the hardest thing. It brought back when I stood by the bed of my little sister's best friend in high school. I have never prayed so long and so focused as I did at her bedside. It was as if I were channeling every ounce of peace inside of me to her...or trying to, at least. I went to see her on my lunch break. I am so glad I did. I never want to miss the opportunity to tell someone how wonderful they are again. Good-bye sweet soul....thanks for being true.
The end of the year came and went. I actually had energy left over, and was able to make plans, and continue working hard to the end. This was the first year that had happened. I knew I was heading in the right direction, with everything. I was still fighting to work out regularly, but managing to stay fit. I was awkward with the whole dating thing, but starting to get my wits about me. I was holding my ground and sticking up for myself. I was making plans with the other teachers for some extraordinary ideas for the following year. I was traveling. I was....happy.
Now, I find myself saying good-bye again. My world has completely changed in the last three weeks. I catch myself withdrawing again, detaching. I think it's because I know what's coming. I wish I had the opportunity for a proper good-bye with my students. The idea of just leaving them seems unfair...to them, mostly. It still hurts my heart to think of them. This is the first time I have ever felt sad about leaving a community. I have a heart for Saginaw, but my heart is too broken to stay, I'm afraid. Plus, I can't imagine any opportunity showing it's face around here in time for me to actually grab hold of it and be able to make a living. That means I will probably say good-bye to my roommate, as well. I can honestly say, I think he is the first BFF I've ever had. I'm 31 years old and finally have my first true best friend. I feel uncomfortable about leaving my mother. My sister has moved, and now I might, too. I know she supports anything I do, and she wants me to be happy, even if that means leaving. I also know that she deserves the world...I wish I could give it to her.
I'm not sure what God has planned for me in the immediate future. Today, I found myself sitting on my bed and staring off into space for a few hours, surrounded by medical bills coming in due to my benefits being dropped, not really knowing what to do. When I started this blog, I was sad, and lonely, and felt this whole thing was unfair. I was angry that this year had so many good-byes. Now, though, I feel....free...as the tears dry on my cheeks, and I allow myself to feel sad, angry, hurt, and even a bit...afraid, and just say whatever it is I want to say, without thought or edit. I realize that this year was about balance. If not for the good-byes, I don't think the balance would have been possible. My life has had many good-byes...but it also has had some extraordinary hellos. The fact that I have lost all of these things means that I had them in the first place. I am so truly blessed. Many more good-byes are in my future...that's just the way my life has always gone....but it's okay...I'll be okay...not in spite of it, but because of it.
Good-bye to the heart break I have been feeling for so long this year....hello to new beginnings, a chance to change and grow, and some wonderful memories that will forever be the place I go back to when I need love...and peace. The end of the year always brings a different label than the beginning. I do not know where I will be when I blow out the candles this year. I do know, though, that it will not be anywhere I expected, and it will be exactly where I need to be in order to become the person I have prayed God would help me become. It truly is time to move forward.
I often label each year, both as they begin, and again as they come to a close. I think I mark each birthday as more of a step into the future, rather than that blasted New Year's. 29 was about finishing commitments...finally seeing something through...and it was a remarkable year.
30 was about moving forward. Suddenly, I found myself working so hard that my life became about nothing but doing a good job. I've always wanted to be a hard worker, so much so that I finally prayed for it, every day, for quite some time. I got what I wanted. I also got everything that comes with it....exhaustion, more responsibility, and also many rewards (I was just too exhausted to see them at the time.)
So, 31 was to be about balance. I had time in the school to learn the ropes (still wanting to know more about establishing lesson plans, etc.), but we did have a new state-of-the-art auditorium that nobody knew how to run...and the expectation fell to me to learn the new equipment. As I turned 31, we had just come off a very successful Gala...the second show at SASA that I had created from scratch. That first semester, the Theatre class helped with almost 30 events that took place in the auditoriums. I quickly realized that the balance thing was going to take everything I had left, if I was really serious about finding it. I also realized balance was going to be crucial to my own well-being. By October, I couldn't see straight, and I couldn't sleep (averaging roughly 3 hours a night). October 13th came and went...and balance seemed like a far off wish as I blew out the metaphorical candles that year.
Something had to be done, and fast. I approached the administration for help. I sat in their office and said that if things continued the way they were, without help, I would not make it to the end of the semester. I was dismissed with a wave, and told that they had an important meeting to attend, and we would have to continue this conversation at another time. We never spoke about it again, until later that year when I was brought into the office to be reprimanded for leaving students unattended in the auditorium, and for not being able to get an event set up in time, the second event for that day. Realizing that there would be no help from my supervisors, I had to make changes, and make them fast. I moved into an apartment with a friend, hoping to save money, and put myself into a position to have to be more social. The move came in October, with all the craziness that month brought. The move was the best decision I could have made. This is the happiest I have ever been in an apartment, and with a roommate...I love my living situation. So, I had one good move in the right direction, but so much work was ahead of me. The play in November was rough. I did things that needed to be done for the sake of setting a professional precedence, but it wasn't easy. Good-bye to staying in a situation because it was comfortable...hello to beginning to find the benefit of making a plan.
The night of the last show, I received a call from my dad's sister in Colorado. She hadn't spoken to me in 15 years. She called me and told me that my grandmother had passed away....seven days ago. Before that, I spoke to my grandmother every month, at least, if not more. I loved her dearly. I was furious, and heart broken. Nobody called me. I still have yet to hear from my dad at all. Did they even think to call? My grandmother had been sick for a few days when she fell. I had spoken to her a few days before she fell, and knew she wasn't feeling well. One of the last things my grandmother said to me was "Colleen, I hate my life". When they took her to the hospital, the doctors found tumors in her brain. They put her in a nursing home, and within a week her heart gave out, and she died. I think her heart was broken, too. My biggest fear was that she thought they called me and I didn't come, or even call. I hope she realized that I didn't know. I would have been there. I asked my aunt why nobody called me, and she told me they didn't know she was going to die. I don't care whether she was going to die, the point was she was sick and needed me. I know she was alone. This might possibly be my biggest regret. Good-bye Grandma Colleen...I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think of you.
My uncle, at this time, was already in Arkansas for treatment. After my grandmother passed, I withdrew quite a bit from people, in general. I knew my uncle was not doing well, but I stayed busy with school, December being one of our busiest months for performances. I can barely remember the talent shows that we put on for the school. I was just going through the motions by then, but was falling apart inside. When my uncle passed in January, I sort of just...shut off. I realized the most consistent male figure in my life was gone...and I had never told him how much he meant to me. He was one of those people everyone kind of ends up taking for granted. We all miss him, but we definitely weren't there for him as much as we could have been...except for my mother. Bless her heart, the woman knows how to come through for the broken-hearted, at the most important time. I could learn a lot from my mother about compassion, and sacrifice, and strength. Good-bye Uncle Ray...thank you...for everything. I hope you have found peace.
I realized, at that time, that I had a choice. I could give in to all of this loss, or I could use it to change my life. I knew how unhealthy my grandmother and uncle were when they passed, and how unhappy they were. God had blessed me with a sound mind and healthy body. It was time to take advantage of these health benefits I received from the job I worked so hard for. I made an appointment with every doctor I could think of, and began a workout regimen with my roommate. I also....decided I needed to put myself out there and start dating, for the first time in my life. I had hung out here and there when there was a real connection with someone, and had a couple of relationships, but I had never actually dated. I also began to leave the school by 7pm. No matter what was happening, I would drop it on the desk and walk out. Sometimes I would leave right after rehearsal at 6pm! Good-bye bad habits and 15 hour days.
The dating thing didn't really take off until March, but by then I was ready. I had been working out, was in great shape, and even lost some weight. I had cut out caffeine in January, and was sleeping more regularly (I could actually take a nap sometimes!). I was eating better, and starting to go out of town on weekends and visit old friends. I was also gaining confidence in my ability as a teacher. Up until that point, I second-guessed myself all the time. Now, I knew I had what it took to take this program to a different level. We just needed to finish this year, at this point, keep learning the new equipment, and look forward to starting fresh the following year, in a different (better!) direction.
When the dating thing took off, I was lucky enough to meet someone who was a great first date for me. He was confident enough, and outgoing enough, to catch my attention right away, and kind of steer things along, while I figured out how this whole dating thing works. I caught myself going into some old habits, but overall it was an okay experience. We ended up being too different, and we both wanted to pursue dating other people, neither one of us wanting to get serious. Overall, he wasn't the nicest guy I could meet, but I am grateful for him just the same. I'm not sure I would have been able to jump in with both feet with anyone else. Through him, I fell in love....with the city of Detroit. It took a few more months for me to really get this dating thing down, and some of it has been frustrating. A lot of it, though, has been fantastic. I am happy to say that I am starting to give the nice guys a second date...and starting to kiss way too many men from other countries. Haha....suffice to say, dating is going well. Good-bye to detaching myself from people....hello to new opportunities, and not feeling guilty about enjoying my life. Hello to happiness.
When I found out that Sean had been fatally shot, it was like my heart stopped beating. Never had the violence in this city hit so close to home. We joked about taking ballroom dance lessons one day. It's still on the list. Some day. Good-bye my friend...what an example you were for us all.
My sister and her husband moved to Kalkaska. This was the first time our immediate family was split up since my brother had returned to Michigan so many years ago. My sister and her husband had taken off and hiked the Appalachian Trail (I had saved all of her voicemail messages, in case I never saw them again...so silly). I assumed they would come back, and we would carry on as usual. I never realized how wonderful, and how convenient it was that my family lived so close. I always thought I would be the one to leave again. I miss my sister being a regular part of my life. Good-bye to the opportunity to see you every day if I wanted. But, I know you are happy, and that makes me happy. I know that mom misses you, though. You should call her. :)
My dear Ellen....saying good-bye to her was the hardest thing. It brought back when I stood by the bed of my little sister's best friend in high school. I have never prayed so long and so focused as I did at her bedside. It was as if I were channeling every ounce of peace inside of me to her...or trying to, at least. I went to see her on my lunch break. I am so glad I did. I never want to miss the opportunity to tell someone how wonderful they are again. Good-bye sweet soul....thanks for being true.
The end of the year came and went. I actually had energy left over, and was able to make plans, and continue working hard to the end. This was the first year that had happened. I knew I was heading in the right direction, with everything. I was still fighting to work out regularly, but managing to stay fit. I was awkward with the whole dating thing, but starting to get my wits about me. I was holding my ground and sticking up for myself. I was making plans with the other teachers for some extraordinary ideas for the following year. I was traveling. I was....happy.
Now, I find myself saying good-bye again. My world has completely changed in the last three weeks. I catch myself withdrawing again, detaching. I think it's because I know what's coming. I wish I had the opportunity for a proper good-bye with my students. The idea of just leaving them seems unfair...to them, mostly. It still hurts my heart to think of them. This is the first time I have ever felt sad about leaving a community. I have a heart for Saginaw, but my heart is too broken to stay, I'm afraid. Plus, I can't imagine any opportunity showing it's face around here in time for me to actually grab hold of it and be able to make a living. That means I will probably say good-bye to my roommate, as well. I can honestly say, I think he is the first BFF I've ever had. I'm 31 years old and finally have my first true best friend. I feel uncomfortable about leaving my mother. My sister has moved, and now I might, too. I know she supports anything I do, and she wants me to be happy, even if that means leaving. I also know that she deserves the world...I wish I could give it to her.
I'm not sure what God has planned for me in the immediate future. Today, I found myself sitting on my bed and staring off into space for a few hours, surrounded by medical bills coming in due to my benefits being dropped, not really knowing what to do. When I started this blog, I was sad, and lonely, and felt this whole thing was unfair. I was angry that this year had so many good-byes. Now, though, I feel....free...as the tears dry on my cheeks, and I allow myself to feel sad, angry, hurt, and even a bit...afraid, and just say whatever it is I want to say, without thought or edit. I realize that this year was about balance. If not for the good-byes, I don't think the balance would have been possible. My life has had many good-byes...but it also has had some extraordinary hellos. The fact that I have lost all of these things means that I had them in the first place. I am so truly blessed. Many more good-byes are in my future...that's just the way my life has always gone....but it's okay...I'll be okay...not in spite of it, but because of it.
Good-bye to the heart break I have been feeling for so long this year....hello to new beginnings, a chance to change and grow, and some wonderful memories that will forever be the place I go back to when I need love...and peace. The end of the year always brings a different label than the beginning. I do not know where I will be when I blow out the candles this year. I do know, though, that it will not be anywhere I expected, and it will be exactly where I need to be in order to become the person I have prayed God would help me become. It truly is time to move forward.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I Wish I Could...
Re-posted from 2006:
I wish I could see the top of the sky fly down to the depths of the earth and feel the heat slowly make its way through my soul as I draw nearer
I wish I could hear the angels whisper sweet lullabies to an unborn child, and welcome home a tired, old man after a long battle with the world
I wish I could touch the heart of every person I see, and bring a smile to a stranger's lips because I am here
I wish I could float on the water for days at a time, without a care in the world, and let the sun warm my face
I wish I could know what it feels like to be everyone else so I would be less quick to judge and compassion would have more room
I wish I could make it so I were never cold again and everyone got paid to get at least eight hours sleep
I wish I could cry less and laugh more, sing the night into day, and write a love story for my children that would come true
I wish I could stop time for just a moment so I could stare at all the people I love and memorize them
I wish I could sit and not think, get all my work done, and have that be enough
I wish I could see the top of the sky fly down to the depths of the earth and feel the heat slowly make its way through my soul as I draw nearer
I wish I could hear the angels whisper sweet lullabies to an unborn child, and welcome home a tired, old man after a long battle with the world
I wish I could touch the heart of every person I see, and bring a smile to a stranger's lips because I am here
I wish I could float on the water for days at a time, without a care in the world, and let the sun warm my face
I wish I could know what it feels like to be everyone else so I would be less quick to judge and compassion would have more room
I wish I could make it so I were never cold again and everyone got paid to get at least eight hours sleep
I wish I could cry less and laugh more, sing the night into day, and write a love story for my children that would come true
I wish I could stop time for just a moment so I could stare at all the people I love and memorize them
I wish I could sit and not think, get all my work done, and have that be enough
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Jack of All Trades (Master of None)
Last night was one of those nights where you wake up more than a few times during the night, and finally rise out of bed at 6:30 a.m., giving up on any notion of going back to sleep. My last dream I had found me back in high school. I was playing right field during baseball practice (it was baseball, not softball...and it was a coed team, weird). All of the balls seemed to fly in my direction in one way or another, and try as I may (even diving, outstretched, onto the ground), I couldn’t catch a single one. That’s really nothing new, that is a culmination, really, of my high school sports experience. Well, the coach had one of the star players show me how to gauge where a ball was headed, get there and plant myself, and go through step by step, if you will, of how to catch the ball. I found myself frustrated, and I gave up and went and did something else. That’s when I woke up.
When I woke up, I started to think about my high school sports experience. I thought about those who were really good, and then I thought about me. I remember writing about that experience for my first creative writing essay in college. I wrote about the basketball team, and how I felt cheated out of my experience, and how one game the coach actually put me in at the beginning of the game, took me out after I got the butterflies out, and then actually put me back in the game...that had never happened before (I would usually go in the last couple of minutes of the fourth quarter if we were losing or winning by a substantial amount). I scored 10 points that game, and was the game changer at a pivotal moment. It was awesome. I remember writing about how disappointed I was when I didn’t receive any playing time the next two games, and blah, blah, blah. Well, my paper came back to me, after being reviewed by a jury of editors, with red marks all over the place. The comments on the back page suggested that the paper sounded like the whining of a selfish brat. I was a bit shocked, and offended. I thought about those statements a great deal afterward, trying, albeit pridefully, to find some understanding in the criticism. As I thought back this morning, I recognized the truth in the criticism. They were right. I came to that conclusion after realizing something very important about myself...whether from the dream, or some other state of consciousness that we often find ourselves at in moments of clarity. I have never actively trained for anything. I have never worked, step by step, physically, mentally, or emotionally, on anything. I have always come along for the ride, hoping to learn something along the way, whether by copying others, or just simply observing and floating along. I have done this with sports, physical fitness, fashion, teaching, directing, overall health and wellness, homework, politics, college, jobs that I have had, hobbies, etc. I have never worked on one thing, or broken it down and trained enough, to know any real skills. Even with acting this has proven true. I have never systematically broken it down to fundamentals, or worked on something specific like voice, or body movements, over and over again. With acting, you can get away with that to a certain extent. I think that’s why I have been able to be at least moderately successful on stage.
I was not involved in sports early on. I was in gymnastics for a few years off and on, as a child. I can remember doing enough to get by in that field, as well. I was afraid of the equipment, so I don’t think, looking back, that I would ever do anything that could really get me injured. I have never broken a bone in my life, or had to stay in the hospital, or ever needed surgery. Is it possible that someone as adventurous as everyone thinks me to be might actually have led a very careful life, and does so even now? You know, I wish there would have been somebody to push me along the way. I wish someone would have told me to suck it up, and not only stick with my commitments, but do the very best I could, training from the ground up, until I got it right. I wish someone would have thrown me in the pool to teach me how to swim, so to speak. I wish someone would have thrown a dodge ball at me early on, so I could see it wasn’t so bad, and not be so damn afraid of them throughout my teens, even though I was really good at pretending to be brave. I could keep going, but then it would begin to sound like the whining of a selfish brat. :) I didn’t have those things. I didn’t have the support I wanted. I’m trying to look back and think of why I didn’t take those things on myself. Why did I keep waiting for someone to come along and do it for me? Why am I still waiting?
My biggest secret is probably that I feel like a fraud all of the time. I am so afraid of people along the way, not only figuring that out, but pointing it out to everyone else. I think I feel this way, perhaps, because I have not taken the time to truly learn something from start to finish. I did not play sports as a young child, so I joined the teams late (in my teens), with virtually no talent or skills for the sport. I am glad that I found cheerleading first when I moved to Cass City. My initial observations when I moved to that town (I am very observant, which has unfortunately enabled this behavior) found that, in order to survive in that town, you had to join...something, or you risk the possibility of becoming invisible. I had enthusiasm, and I have been blessed with some semblance of natural rhythm. Luckily, those two things won me a spot onto the cheerleading squad. I only cheered for one year, because it became unpopular. Heaven forbid I did something...unpopular. So, I joined the basketball team, and the volleyball team, and the softball team, and gymnastics. I even ran track for a couple of years, and did the high jump. Hahahaha. Anyone who knows my family, knows that it is a running joke how I can’t jump...at all. Oh, the irony. I also joined the plays, and even did forensics. I also ran for student council, and was voted Senior Class President. I did most of those things during college, as well. I showed up to every practice or meeting and ‘worked hard’. I think I saw expending energy, or spending time, as working hard. I think I still hold onto that notion. I’m not sure, looking back now, that I was really working on anything at all. I’m not sure I am now. People often throw around the joke ‘are you working hard or hardly working?‘ I think I have spent a majority of my life working hard at hardly working. Why not work the fundamentals after practice until I felt comfortable enough to actually be a little bit confident? I have never had a lot of confidence, but I see now it might be because I have never taken the time to do or learn anything to be confident about.
It’s not going to be easy to change this. In fact, I will have to work against my own instincts, and fight the natural tendency to skip around, only skimming the surface of a new activity, hypothesis, or process. I no longer desire to be a Jack of All Trades (Master of None), or continue to pretend to be one. I’m going more for the Polymath, or the Renaissance Man, if you will. Now I just have to choose what specific activity, hypothesis, and/or process in which to focus my time and energy......hahahaha....*sigh*.
When I woke up, I started to think about my high school sports experience. I thought about those who were really good, and then I thought about me. I remember writing about that experience for my first creative writing essay in college. I wrote about the basketball team, and how I felt cheated out of my experience, and how one game the coach actually put me in at the beginning of the game, took me out after I got the butterflies out, and then actually put me back in the game...that had never happened before (I would usually go in the last couple of minutes of the fourth quarter if we were losing or winning by a substantial amount). I scored 10 points that game, and was the game changer at a pivotal moment. It was awesome. I remember writing about how disappointed I was when I didn’t receive any playing time the next two games, and blah, blah, blah. Well, my paper came back to me, after being reviewed by a jury of editors, with red marks all over the place. The comments on the back page suggested that the paper sounded like the whining of a selfish brat. I was a bit shocked, and offended. I thought about those statements a great deal afterward, trying, albeit pridefully, to find some understanding in the criticism. As I thought back this morning, I recognized the truth in the criticism. They were right. I came to that conclusion after realizing something very important about myself...whether from the dream, or some other state of consciousness that we often find ourselves at in moments of clarity. I have never actively trained for anything. I have never worked, step by step, physically, mentally, or emotionally, on anything. I have always come along for the ride, hoping to learn something along the way, whether by copying others, or just simply observing and floating along. I have done this with sports, physical fitness, fashion, teaching, directing, overall health and wellness, homework, politics, college, jobs that I have had, hobbies, etc. I have never worked on one thing, or broken it down and trained enough, to know any real skills. Even with acting this has proven true. I have never systematically broken it down to fundamentals, or worked on something specific like voice, or body movements, over and over again. With acting, you can get away with that to a certain extent. I think that’s why I have been able to be at least moderately successful on stage.
I was not involved in sports early on. I was in gymnastics for a few years off and on, as a child. I can remember doing enough to get by in that field, as well. I was afraid of the equipment, so I don’t think, looking back, that I would ever do anything that could really get me injured. I have never broken a bone in my life, or had to stay in the hospital, or ever needed surgery. Is it possible that someone as adventurous as everyone thinks me to be might actually have led a very careful life, and does so even now? You know, I wish there would have been somebody to push me along the way. I wish someone would have told me to suck it up, and not only stick with my commitments, but do the very best I could, training from the ground up, until I got it right. I wish someone would have thrown me in the pool to teach me how to swim, so to speak. I wish someone would have thrown a dodge ball at me early on, so I could see it wasn’t so bad, and not be so damn afraid of them throughout my teens, even though I was really good at pretending to be brave. I could keep going, but then it would begin to sound like the whining of a selfish brat. :) I didn’t have those things. I didn’t have the support I wanted. I’m trying to look back and think of why I didn’t take those things on myself. Why did I keep waiting for someone to come along and do it for me? Why am I still waiting?
My biggest secret is probably that I feel like a fraud all of the time. I am so afraid of people along the way, not only figuring that out, but pointing it out to everyone else. I think I feel this way, perhaps, because I have not taken the time to truly learn something from start to finish. I did not play sports as a young child, so I joined the teams late (in my teens), with virtually no talent or skills for the sport. I am glad that I found cheerleading first when I moved to Cass City. My initial observations when I moved to that town (I am very observant, which has unfortunately enabled this behavior) found that, in order to survive in that town, you had to join...something, or you risk the possibility of becoming invisible. I had enthusiasm, and I have been blessed with some semblance of natural rhythm. Luckily, those two things won me a spot onto the cheerleading squad. I only cheered for one year, because it became unpopular. Heaven forbid I did something...unpopular. So, I joined the basketball team, and the volleyball team, and the softball team, and gymnastics. I even ran track for a couple of years, and did the high jump. Hahahaha. Anyone who knows my family, knows that it is a running joke how I can’t jump...at all. Oh, the irony. I also joined the plays, and even did forensics. I also ran for student council, and was voted Senior Class President. I did most of those things during college, as well. I showed up to every practice or meeting and ‘worked hard’. I think I saw expending energy, or spending time, as working hard. I think I still hold onto that notion. I’m not sure, looking back now, that I was really working on anything at all. I’m not sure I am now. People often throw around the joke ‘are you working hard or hardly working?‘ I think I have spent a majority of my life working hard at hardly working. Why not work the fundamentals after practice until I felt comfortable enough to actually be a little bit confident? I have never had a lot of confidence, but I see now it might be because I have never taken the time to do or learn anything to be confident about.
It’s not going to be easy to change this. In fact, I will have to work against my own instincts, and fight the natural tendency to skip around, only skimming the surface of a new activity, hypothesis, or process. I no longer desire to be a Jack of All Trades (Master of None), or continue to pretend to be one. I’m going more for the Polymath, or the Renaissance Man, if you will. Now I just have to choose what specific activity, hypothesis, and/or process in which to focus my time and energy......hahahaha....*sigh*.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Flou Peu Clair
I haven’t written. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve wanted to write, but I haven’t written. I just finally yelled at myself in my mind after making another excuse, and said ‘just start typing, for pete’s sake’. Jeremiah is right. I need to stop being so hard on myself. If I’m going to make the decisions I am going to make, then I need to make them and get over it. I battle all day with myself in my own mind. It’s no wonder I don’t actually do much. I’m so warn out from fighting with myself, there’s not much left to do anything else. I put away the idea of the assemblies for a while, because in its place came an idea to own a boutique that sells a bunch of random crap made by me, and others. I would rent the window space as studio space, sell home beauty supplies (all organic), and maybe even some photography. I would also do the assemblies, etc., but would use the boutique as income (along with It Works!). The boutique idea kind of took over all my thinking. I even thought of using Anthony’s building as my space....haha. Thinking of it now, it all seems so ridiculous. Funny, how when I get these ideas they don’t seem ridiculous at all, until someone points out the obvious flaws in the plan. How do I not see them? Talking to Jeremiah last night, he even told me I need to let myself cry. He said I never let myself cry anymore. He’s right. And he’s wrong. I did cry, at the beginning of this whole losing my job thing. I was doing the dishes one day and then just broke down. I suppose it did only last a couple of minutes. That seems to be my new thing...the quick cry. It escapes from somewhere deep within my chest, and just as soon as it’s out, it’s gone. I took a bath tonight. I feel more calm, and a bit more emotional since my bath. Some clarity came along with it, too. What is it about a bath? I am snuggled in my bed, and actually warm for the first time today. I think that’s why I haven’t accomplished much in the past couple of days. I have been cold. When I am cold, I am usually no good for anything. Jeremiah told me to focus on the assemblies. Start writing the ‘script’, he said. He told me it’s a good idea. Why did I jump ship so fast? I think I’m actually afraid of it succeeding. I have always been more afraid of success than failure. I have always sabotaged an idea or never quite followed through, out of fear that I wouldn’t know what to do next...or fear that I would take it too far, or not far enough, or really screw it up. According to Wayne Gretzky, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. That is so true. I haven’t taken so many shots. My family doesn’t really go big. I think my big sisters do, sometimes. My little sister and her husband just hiked the entire Appalachian Trail. The thing is, both of my sisters did extraordinary things because of their husbands. I don’t know that either of them would have done those things on their own, if I’m being completely honest. I don’t want to do something because there is someone else with me, but sometimes I think that’s exactly what I want. I want someone to take off some of this pressure. I’m not entirely sure where the pressure is coming from, though. I’m not sure I actually believe I can do this on my own. I want so badly for God to prove me wrong. I know, however, in order for Him to do that, it needs to be me that does the leg work to prove me wrong. How can that work? I don’t know what step to take, most of the time, so I take a bunch of lateral steps that get me nowhere. I search endlessly online, get sidetracked, bake an amazing cake so I feel like there is something tangible to show for my time, and watch ESPN all day, barely listening to anything they’re actually talking about. I’m not sure where this day went, and this is the third day in a row that has happened. There are obvious things that need or should be done, including cleaning my room, memorizing my lines, scrubbing the bathroom, laundry, working out, and organizing my finances...I somehow manage to avoid all of those things each day. I don’t even feel good about it. I think about those things numerous times throughout the day, as if that is punishment, or at least consolation, for not doing them. Not sure why I haven’t actually done them. Not sure why I keep thinking about them if I’m going to choose not to do them. Not sure why this battle continues all day every day. I wrote more than I thought. I think this is enough for today. Tomorrow I get to go to Ashley’s baby shower. I get to spend time with some great friends. I think I really need to get out and hang out with some friends. I have been spending way too much time with myself.
My mind keeps reeling. My tears are trapped in my chest. I feel like I could really make a difference...and not in a famous way, but in a big way, nonetheless. I’m not sure what that means, and I’m not sure how to get there. I need to start asking questions...no matter how stupid it makes me look. The only way I’m going to find answers is if I start asking. I might as well go all the way to the top if I’m going to ask questions. People who are doing what I want to do, that’s who I need to ask. I can’t be afraid to at least try. I might end up looking really foolish, which I believe is always a big fear of mine (even though it doesn’t stop me from looking foolish more often than I would care to admit), but at least I’m going to try.
I find myself motivating people wherever I go. I caught myself doing it when I saw some friends in Detroit a few days ago. I was speaking with them and then it hit me, It’s like I can’t not do it. Even writing this journal along the way is in hopes that it will one day be published and help someone else out who wants to make their own way but doesn’t know where/how to begin. I just don’t know how to turn all this motivation into a viable career. I chose performing as my number one thing I like to do more than anything. Perhaps motivating others is the true answer. Maybe that’s why I haven’t finished the assignment Jer gave me. I’m supposed to narrow a list of 20 things I like to do down to one thing, and then write out why I like to do that one thing. I haven’t written why I like to do it. I need to finish that assignment. I think that could help me narrow down these choices by the end of September. I have allowed myself to brainstorm any and every idea during the month of September, with the idea that by September 30th, I will pick one and go for it with everything I have. I can feel myself narrowing things down, but also not quite ready to let go the idea of coming up with ideas. Haha. I need to go to sleep. I’m not entirely sure why I even started typing again.
My mind keeps reeling. My tears are trapped in my chest. I feel like I could really make a difference...and not in a famous way, but in a big way, nonetheless. I’m not sure what that means, and I’m not sure how to get there. I need to start asking questions...no matter how stupid it makes me look. The only way I’m going to find answers is if I start asking. I might as well go all the way to the top if I’m going to ask questions. People who are doing what I want to do, that’s who I need to ask. I can’t be afraid to at least try. I might end up looking really foolish, which I believe is always a big fear of mine (even though it doesn’t stop me from looking foolish more often than I would care to admit), but at least I’m going to try.
I find myself motivating people wherever I go. I caught myself doing it when I saw some friends in Detroit a few days ago. I was speaking with them and then it hit me, It’s like I can’t not do it. Even writing this journal along the way is in hopes that it will one day be published and help someone else out who wants to make their own way but doesn’t know where/how to begin. I just don’t know how to turn all this motivation into a viable career. I chose performing as my number one thing I like to do more than anything. Perhaps motivating others is the true answer. Maybe that’s why I haven’t finished the assignment Jer gave me. I’m supposed to narrow a list of 20 things I like to do down to one thing, and then write out why I like to do that one thing. I haven’t written why I like to do it. I need to finish that assignment. I think that could help me narrow down these choices by the end of September. I have allowed myself to brainstorm any and every idea during the month of September, with the idea that by September 30th, I will pick one and go for it with everything I have. I can feel myself narrowing things down, but also not quite ready to let go the idea of coming up with ideas. Haha. I need to go to sleep. I’m not entirely sure why I even started typing again.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Short Fuse
It takes a lot to get me really riled up. I have a short fuse when I feel I am being ignored, or perhaps not taken seriously, or when I'm driving down I-75 at any given moment, but those are often short lived. Usually, by the time I breathe in and out, the moment is gone, and I realize how silly it was to take things so personal.
If you want to get me really riled up, show me injustice in its most blatant form, or put me in front of someone who has no compassion. Well, this article , and the video with it, has a whole lot of both of those things. The crowd cheering the possibility of allowing an uninsured man to die at the most recent GOP debate also ranks up there. I don't even know where to begin....but "he who is without sin...", right? I can only look at this and learn something. What can I do differently so things like this can stop happening? How can I help?
If you want to get me really riled up, show me injustice in its most blatant form, or put me in front of someone who has no compassion. Well, this article , and the video with it, has a whole lot of both of those things. The crowd cheering the possibility of allowing an uninsured man to die at the most recent GOP debate also ranks up there. I don't even know where to begin....but "he who is without sin...", right? I can only look at this and learn something. What can I do differently so things like this can stop happening? How can I help?
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Lucky Me :)
A lucky find while (finally!) sorting through some old papers:
Miss Cartwright,
Thank you for all you've done. You've not only been an amazing teacher, but a person I can count on for anything and everything. On the days that I didn't want to be at school, or I was upset, I knew I would walk into Theatre and you were going to make me laugh or smile. You knew my weaknesses and my strengths. You've made me a stronger person. You've taught me so much about myself. I am a better person because of you. I will never forget my years at SASA with you. I will always look back on what you've taught me about life and how to live it. You are not only a teacher, but you are a mentor, and a great example of an amazing human being. GO BIG OR GO HOME!
Lucky me, indeed....worth every sleepless night, every tear, every extra hour worked. I know we can all look back and think of a teacher who really changed our life for the better. I can't believe I was given the opportunity to be one. I hope every teacher understands the impact that they have on a daily basis. I know most of them do. Lucky you.
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Seriously, who does that?
~Wednesday August 7th~
I watch TV shows on Hulu sometimes....not very often, but sometimes. I think, when I get into a good series, that I watch because I learn something from it without having to do any of the heavy lifting. I learn from their mistakes, or stories, and I get to see what happens next without having to stage it myself, or make any choices....and usually, there is a happy ending, (or at least a group hug:).
I think books and movies have dictated so much of our perspective and our lives. We say we’re entering a ‘new chapter‘ or looking for our ‘happy ending’. We want those happy endings to happen in movies, plays, etc. because we want to know that those people we’ve been following, watching, are going to be okay. Really, though, I think we want to know that we are going to be okay.
Those who know me well know that sometimes I scoff or get annoyed at happy endings in movies (not all the time, sometimes I watch because of that happy ending). I am often teased about my affinity for raw, uncut movies that never quite wrap up.....but, that’s life, isn’t it? Now, I understand some people watch those movies to escape, but we don’t live life in chapters, or necessarily wrap everything up and get a nice, happy ending in life. How many people do you know who have passed away with no regrets, and have everything they could ever ask for, including lessons learned, and they are ready to go? I know there are those out there who know someone like that, and I count you lucky to have such an example of how life should be lived. Don’t get me wrong, I am a ‘live life to the fullest’ kind of girl. I am extremely positive, and........
Okay, so apparently my mind has already grown bored of this topic. I find myself staring out the window, onto the streets of Royal Oak, a rainy day, indeed. My mind has been wandering to other places for 20 minutes or so. I know the students at SASA are in Musical Theatre class right now, getting ready to wrap up the end of Day 2. I know it seems silly how much I talk about them, but I think about it even more often than I talk about it. I am also a ‘move on’ kind of person. I’m not entirely sure why I am struggling with this so much. I usually have no problem unplugging and moving onto the next adventure. Maybe it’s because I didn’t choose it. Maybe it’s because there’s nothing to move on to quite yet. Maybe it just meant a lot to me. It all just happened a month ago, and school just started yesterday. Maybe I should give myself a break....
Last night, the director of “The Crucible” asked me what I like/can relate to about my character [Elizabeth Proctor]? I answered right away that I like her strength. She holds her family together, and she stands up for herself when she feels her husband might not hold up on his end. However misguided at times, the one thing she holds onto is truth. I am always seeking the truth. We talked a bit further about it, and then the director said he noticed a common thread throughout the story: Elizabeth seems to be really hard on herself through the whole thing. I thought about it and realized he was right, even when she is speaking with John about the adultery, she is secretly blaming herself to some degree. I realize that is how I am, I think (not blaming myself for adultery, but actually kind of hard on myself). I don’t think that from my own perspective (people who are hard on themselves would blame it on their inevitable failure of life), but I have heard it enough from others to know that it might be true....
“Rollin‘ On A River” just came through my headphones, and I am now tapping my foot and smiling. I am listening to the Dance Concert playlist from 2010. Maybe that’s where the SASA thoughts came from. I usually don’t listen to music when I write, or when I’m on the computer, and now I remember why. I get too distracted depending on what song is playing. I jumped online to see that a couple more families have chosen me as a favorite as a possible au pair. (I just keep looking at these families, not really knowing what to do next in this process). There is a single dad in California who is looking for someone to help him with his teenagers two weeks a month, and then help him with his business (as a personal assistant) when the children are with their mom. Now I am distracted. The guy is really cute, of course. Dang it. That means I probably won’t look into it. I want to leave the country, anyway, if I go the au pair route, and the pay is too low to have any sort of life in California. I don’t need distractions. I need a job where I can stay focused on one thing, I think. No. Focusing on one thing would drive me crazy. Or maybe it would actually allow me to see something through, and then have energy on the side to pursue other hobbies, etc. I don’t know.
A family is interested in me in Oman (sadly, I didn’t even know where that was), it’s just east of Saudi Arabia, and south of Iran. I can't help but be curious as to why they want an American. That leads me to search for volunteer opportunities in Afghanistan for a half hour or so (it’s just how my mind works...I was curious, and have been since doing extensive research on Rachel Corrie). If I’m going to volunteer, you might as well put me on the front lines.
My time at the meter is almost up, so I need to move my Jeep shortly. I have not written about anything that originally inspired me to sit and drink a chai and power up my lap top. No surprise there, really. It seemed a really good direction, but now I can’t even remember what I intended to touch upon while standing in line for my tea.
A song that is all drums just came on...I love the drums. I desire to learn the drums, but it’s not something you can just pick up anywhere. I think I have decided to pick up the guitar instead. I’ll just learn right-handed. A guitar is even something I could take abroad, and it kind of fits my style. I’m not sure my fingers are cut out for guitar though. I know I am cut out for the drums. I’ve talked about the guitar before. I talk about a lot of things.
On my four block drive to my new destination, I already thought about five different things I wanted to write. Sometimes I wish I could shut off my brain. As I cozy up in the back of my Jeep, nestled in some blankets, with my Kashi Go Lean Crisp cereal at my side (sounds like shameless product placement, but it’s really good), and open up my newly charged lap top, I can’t remember a single thing I wanted to say. Instead, I am tempted to watch another episode of “Being Erica” on Hulu (no responsibility but to sit and watch, remember?). Hanging out in the back of my Jeep is one of my favorite places to be....I sleep back there more often than people realize...that’s weird, isn’t it?
A lady was trying to cross the street when I was pulling out of my parking space a moment ago, but she was too afraid to cross. Eventually, one of the cars stopped (took long enough, considering pedestrians have the right of way...), and she began to timidly cross. I stopped, but then another car tried to go around and almost hit this lady. The drivers seemed to be annoyed with this pedestrian, never mind that they were the ones who were breaking the rules. Why are we so impatient? I hope the lady was able to get in her car and forget about what had just occurred, not taking it personal. I wonder if she’s having a bad day, rain and all, and this just made it worse. Why do I always envision that people might be sad? I can usually read it in their face and body language. The truth is, there are a lot of sad people. I see them everywhere.
Another 20 minutes or so of random thinking....why not watch something on Hulu? What’s going to happen if I do? What’s going to happen if I don’t? Who cares? I was so excited about having all day to research “The Crucible”, and I haven’t read a single thing about the show, characters, etc. I figure I have all day tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that to research it, really. I think I’m starting to get too laid back about being laid off. I think I’m afraid I’m going to run out of stuff to do. That’s a silly thought, really, there is always something that needs or should or could be done. I think I’m afraid I won’t run out of stuff to do, and I’ll just keep myself busy for the sake of keeping myself busy. Who wants to do that?
I think I want to stop analyzing all of this, and enjoy the last couple of hours before rehearsal...browsing the internet, watching a show, or reading a magazine...maybe a nap, too. I could get used to this. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.
After reading my Glamour magazine and listening to classical piano for a couple of hours, I feel inspired for others, tired, and a bit...annoyed...annoyed for not doing any research, getting any exercise, or really doing anything productive. I’m reading about college women who are making a big impact on the world. I can’t help but wonder how they get there. I know it takes hard work and good connections, but what kind of hard work? What did they do first? Here I am getting ready to go into rehearsal, and I realize I have had all day to research, develop my character, and memorize lines, but I haven’t even done so much as read the script. It’s like someone expects me to do it now, so I don’t do it. Is it self-sabotage? Am I overwhelmed, or uninterested? Or worse, am I just....lazy? I’m not sure what compels me not to act. I have been thinking about doing things all day. I have been writing about it, and searching around the internet for the next step...but I haven’t done anything really concrete, with lasting benefits. I thought, as I boarded the escalator to leave Barnes and Nobles ‘I want to be a writer...I want to write’. ‘Good’, I thought, ‘so write’. I got to the car, and suddenly wasn’t so keen on sitting and writing. I get inspired, but when it comes to the actual doing part of that dream, I falter. Why? It could even be something I know for a fact I enjoy, I just tell myself I don‘t feel like doing it in that moment, but I will later. Like now, it’s getting closer to rehearsal time, and the closer it gets, the more I just want to sit here in my Jeep and read and write. I’m sure once I’m in there and we’re in the midst of things, I will be enjoying myself, but I’m not sure what keeps me from getting it together and focusing on what I can do in this moment to move me forward. If I can’t seem to find the urge to do the things I know I enjoy, or the things that will get me what I want, is there any hope for me to ever find it? I read these stories of these people and can’t help but wonder, ‘maybe I just don’t have it in me to do it. Maybe I’m not smart enough, or task-oriented enough. Maybe I am actually incapable of going that far. Maybe I’m just meant to be mediocre. Somebody’s got to be mediocre, right?’ Many people would tell me, if anybody can do it, I can, but I wonder...am I just really good at faking that I might be able to do it? Am I really good at talking the talk? What have I really done? Why, after two years of teaching, was I still doing everything the hard way? Haven’t I learned anything along the way?
I have to go into rehearsal now. Thank goodness for scheduled, mandatory events...or else I fear I might sit in the back of this Jeep the rest of my life, reading about everyone else’s successes.
I watch TV shows on Hulu sometimes....not very often, but sometimes. I think, when I get into a good series, that I watch because I learn something from it without having to do any of the heavy lifting. I learn from their mistakes, or stories, and I get to see what happens next without having to stage it myself, or make any choices....and usually, there is a happy ending, (or at least a group hug:).
I think books and movies have dictated so much of our perspective and our lives. We say we’re entering a ‘new chapter‘ or looking for our ‘happy ending’. We want those happy endings to happen in movies, plays, etc. because we want to know that those people we’ve been following, watching, are going to be okay. Really, though, I think we want to know that we are going to be okay.
Those who know me well know that sometimes I scoff or get annoyed at happy endings in movies (not all the time, sometimes I watch because of that happy ending). I am often teased about my affinity for raw, uncut movies that never quite wrap up.....but, that’s life, isn’t it? Now, I understand some people watch those movies to escape, but we don’t live life in chapters, or necessarily wrap everything up and get a nice, happy ending in life. How many people do you know who have passed away with no regrets, and have everything they could ever ask for, including lessons learned, and they are ready to go? I know there are those out there who know someone like that, and I count you lucky to have such an example of how life should be lived. Don’t get me wrong, I am a ‘live life to the fullest’ kind of girl. I am extremely positive, and........
Okay, so apparently my mind has already grown bored of this topic. I find myself staring out the window, onto the streets of Royal Oak, a rainy day, indeed. My mind has been wandering to other places for 20 minutes or so. I know the students at SASA are in Musical Theatre class right now, getting ready to wrap up the end of Day 2. I know it seems silly how much I talk about them, but I think about it even more often than I talk about it. I am also a ‘move on’ kind of person. I’m not entirely sure why I am struggling with this so much. I usually have no problem unplugging and moving onto the next adventure. Maybe it’s because I didn’t choose it. Maybe it’s because there’s nothing to move on to quite yet. Maybe it just meant a lot to me. It all just happened a month ago, and school just started yesterday. Maybe I should give myself a break....
Last night, the director of “The Crucible” asked me what I like/can relate to about my character [Elizabeth Proctor]? I answered right away that I like her strength. She holds her family together, and she stands up for herself when she feels her husband might not hold up on his end. However misguided at times, the one thing she holds onto is truth. I am always seeking the truth. We talked a bit further about it, and then the director said he noticed a common thread throughout the story: Elizabeth seems to be really hard on herself through the whole thing. I thought about it and realized he was right, even when she is speaking with John about the adultery, she is secretly blaming herself to some degree. I realize that is how I am, I think (not blaming myself for adultery, but actually kind of hard on myself). I don’t think that from my own perspective (people who are hard on themselves would blame it on their inevitable failure of life), but I have heard it enough from others to know that it might be true....
“Rollin‘ On A River” just came through my headphones, and I am now tapping my foot and smiling. I am listening to the Dance Concert playlist from 2010. Maybe that’s where the SASA thoughts came from. I usually don’t listen to music when I write, or when I’m on the computer, and now I remember why. I get too distracted depending on what song is playing. I jumped online to see that a couple more families have chosen me as a favorite as a possible au pair. (I just keep looking at these families, not really knowing what to do next in this process). There is a single dad in California who is looking for someone to help him with his teenagers two weeks a month, and then help him with his business (as a personal assistant) when the children are with their mom. Now I am distracted. The guy is really cute, of course. Dang it. That means I probably won’t look into it. I want to leave the country, anyway, if I go the au pair route, and the pay is too low to have any sort of life in California. I don’t need distractions. I need a job where I can stay focused on one thing, I think. No. Focusing on one thing would drive me crazy. Or maybe it would actually allow me to see something through, and then have energy on the side to pursue other hobbies, etc. I don’t know.
A family is interested in me in Oman (sadly, I didn’t even know where that was), it’s just east of Saudi Arabia, and south of Iran. I can't help but be curious as to why they want an American. That leads me to search for volunteer opportunities in Afghanistan for a half hour or so (it’s just how my mind works...I was curious, and have been since doing extensive research on Rachel Corrie). If I’m going to volunteer, you might as well put me on the front lines.
My time at the meter is almost up, so I need to move my Jeep shortly. I have not written about anything that originally inspired me to sit and drink a chai and power up my lap top. No surprise there, really. It seemed a really good direction, but now I can’t even remember what I intended to touch upon while standing in line for my tea.
A song that is all drums just came on...I love the drums. I desire to learn the drums, but it’s not something you can just pick up anywhere. I think I have decided to pick up the guitar instead. I’ll just learn right-handed. A guitar is even something I could take abroad, and it kind of fits my style. I’m not sure my fingers are cut out for guitar though. I know I am cut out for the drums. I’ve talked about the guitar before. I talk about a lot of things.
On my four block drive to my new destination, I already thought about five different things I wanted to write. Sometimes I wish I could shut off my brain. As I cozy up in the back of my Jeep, nestled in some blankets, with my Kashi Go Lean Crisp cereal at my side (sounds like shameless product placement, but it’s really good), and open up my newly charged lap top, I can’t remember a single thing I wanted to say. Instead, I am tempted to watch another episode of “Being Erica” on Hulu (no responsibility but to sit and watch, remember?). Hanging out in the back of my Jeep is one of my favorite places to be....I sleep back there more often than people realize...that’s weird, isn’t it?
A lady was trying to cross the street when I was pulling out of my parking space a moment ago, but she was too afraid to cross. Eventually, one of the cars stopped (took long enough, considering pedestrians have the right of way...), and she began to timidly cross. I stopped, but then another car tried to go around and almost hit this lady. The drivers seemed to be annoyed with this pedestrian, never mind that they were the ones who were breaking the rules. Why are we so impatient? I hope the lady was able to get in her car and forget about what had just occurred, not taking it personal. I wonder if she’s having a bad day, rain and all, and this just made it worse. Why do I always envision that people might be sad? I can usually read it in their face and body language. The truth is, there are a lot of sad people. I see them everywhere.
Another 20 minutes or so of random thinking....why not watch something on Hulu? What’s going to happen if I do? What’s going to happen if I don’t? Who cares? I was so excited about having all day to research “The Crucible”, and I haven’t read a single thing about the show, characters, etc. I figure I have all day tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that to research it, really. I think I’m starting to get too laid back about being laid off. I think I’m afraid I’m going to run out of stuff to do. That’s a silly thought, really, there is always something that needs or should or could be done. I think I’m afraid I won’t run out of stuff to do, and I’ll just keep myself busy for the sake of keeping myself busy. Who wants to do that?
I think I want to stop analyzing all of this, and enjoy the last couple of hours before rehearsal...browsing the internet, watching a show, or reading a magazine...maybe a nap, too. I could get used to this. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.
After reading my Glamour magazine and listening to classical piano for a couple of hours, I feel inspired for others, tired, and a bit...annoyed...annoyed for not doing any research, getting any exercise, or really doing anything productive. I’m reading about college women who are making a big impact on the world. I can’t help but wonder how they get there. I know it takes hard work and good connections, but what kind of hard work? What did they do first? Here I am getting ready to go into rehearsal, and I realize I have had all day to research, develop my character, and memorize lines, but I haven’t even done so much as read the script. It’s like someone expects me to do it now, so I don’t do it. Is it self-sabotage? Am I overwhelmed, or uninterested? Or worse, am I just....lazy? I’m not sure what compels me not to act. I have been thinking about doing things all day. I have been writing about it, and searching around the internet for the next step...but I haven’t done anything really concrete, with lasting benefits. I thought, as I boarded the escalator to leave Barnes and Nobles ‘I want to be a writer...I want to write’. ‘Good’, I thought, ‘so write’. I got to the car, and suddenly wasn’t so keen on sitting and writing. I get inspired, but when it comes to the actual doing part of that dream, I falter. Why? It could even be something I know for a fact I enjoy, I just tell myself I don‘t feel like doing it in that moment, but I will later. Like now, it’s getting closer to rehearsal time, and the closer it gets, the more I just want to sit here in my Jeep and read and write. I’m sure once I’m in there and we’re in the midst of things, I will be enjoying myself, but I’m not sure what keeps me from getting it together and focusing on what I can do in this moment to move me forward. If I can’t seem to find the urge to do the things I know I enjoy, or the things that will get me what I want, is there any hope for me to ever find it? I read these stories of these people and can’t help but wonder, ‘maybe I just don’t have it in me to do it. Maybe I’m not smart enough, or task-oriented enough. Maybe I am actually incapable of going that far. Maybe I’m just meant to be mediocre. Somebody’s got to be mediocre, right?’ Many people would tell me, if anybody can do it, I can, but I wonder...am I just really good at faking that I might be able to do it? Am I really good at talking the talk? What have I really done? Why, after two years of teaching, was I still doing everything the hard way? Haven’t I learned anything along the way?
I have to go into rehearsal now. Thank goodness for scheduled, mandatory events...or else I fear I might sit in the back of this Jeep the rest of my life, reading about everyone else’s successes.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Time Management
I was going to look up "The Last Lecture" given by Randy Pausch, but it didn't download correctly, and kept freezing up, so I settled for one he did on time management, instead. Funny how things happen so we hear and see the things we need to hear and see the most. If you have time (haha), I mean if you make time, this is a great lecture. For those who will ignore it, or think it's not worthwhile to watch, I wrote down a lot of the points that seemed to make the most sense for my life right now, or the points that were just...awesome.
The end (not the means) of maximizing time is maximizing fun.
Being successful doesn’t make you manage your time well. Managing your time well makes you successful.
If you’re going to run with people who are faster than you, you are going to have to find a way to master the skills that you do have.
What will happen if I don’t do this item on my ‘to do’ list?
If you do the right things adequately, that’s much more important than doing the wrong things beautifully.
(Lou Holtz - 100 Things - look it up!)
80% of the revenue is going to come from 20% of your clients. Where is the value? Shove the other stuff off the boat.
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment. Experience is one of those things you can’t fake.
If you can dream it you can do it. -Walt Disney
If you refuse to allow yourself to dream it, I know you won’t do it.
Disneyland built in 366 days. When Walt Disney was asked how they did it in 366 days, he answered ‘we used every one of them’.
Failing to plan is planning to fail.
Plan for the day, the week, the semester.
You can’t change the plan unless you have it. Refusing to make a plan because you know it will change is just a paralysis of ‘I don’t have any marching orders’. Have a plan, knowing it will change, but have it so you have the basis to start with.
Do the ugliest thing first. If you have to eat a frog, don’t spend a lot of time looking at it first. If you have to eat three of them, don’t eat the smallest one first.
Due Soon Not Due Soon
Important
Not
Important
#1 - Important Due Soon
#4 - Not Important - Not Due Soon
#2 - Not Due Soon - Important
#3 - Due Soon - Not Important
We often mix up #2 and #3
If you get it done in #2, it won’t have a chance to make it to #1
Touch each piece of paper once. True for e-mail, too. Your inbox is not your ‘To Do’ list. You will sleep better if your inbox is empty.
A good filing system is essential (an alphabetical place for papers to go).
Use two monitors (or spaces on your mac).
Need some system for a calendar. Using up too much of your brain to keep track of a schedule and deadlines.
A speaker phone is the best thing you can buy to eliminate stress.
Recommends standing during business calls to keep them short. Group your phone calls, and call them right before lunch or the end of the day. The other person will have something else they would rather be doing, so they will get off the phone quicker.
Rides his bike around the neighborhood and talks on the phone with a headset.
Kleenex and Thank You cards are essential in an office. Paper recycling bin can save you sometimes, too, and post-it notes. Pictures of things you should be doing instead are a great reminder of what's important.
Make your office comfortable for you, and optionally comfortable for others so they won’t want to stay long.
You do not find time, you make it.
Learn to say ‘no’.
Find your creative time and defend it ruthlessly.
Find your dead time and schedule the things where you don’t need to be at your best.
Interruptions take 6-9 minutes with a 4-5 minute recovery. 5 interruptions blows a whole hour.
Turn phone calls into e-mail. Don’t have the ‘ding’ when an e-mail comes in, schedule time to look at it. Only look at it during that time.
“I only have 5 minutes”. If you want to give them more time you can, but you can tell them at 5 minutes that you told them at the beginning that you only had 5 minutes and send them on their way.
Time journals - monitor yourself and update it throughout the day - 15 minute intervals to keep track of where your time is going. You will be surprised at what you find.
Identify the gaps where you are most likely to waste time. Gaps in between classes is a great example. Make a ‘fake class’. You go into the library, and do not hang out with friends.
What am I doing that doesn’t need to be done? What can I delegate to someone else? What can I do more efficiently? How am I wasting other people’s time?
You manage your time better at work so you can leave on time and spend time with the people you love and things you enjoy. “I worked fewer hours when I got married, but got more done”.
Focus on the things that matter, and letting go of the things that don’t. (Pregnant woman with a cigarette in her hand complaining about the effect of construction noise on her unborn child.)
It’s not always about efficiency. Sometimes it’s about effectiveness and best overall outcome.
Doing things at the last minute is really expensive.
Make up a fake deadline if something is not due for a long time.
Identify why you are not enthusiastic (afraid of failure, needing to ask someone for something, fear of rejection, not understanding the task.) Sometimes all you have to do is ask.
Do not treat delegation as dumping (giving someone a task you do not have time for or want to do, and then micromanage it). You grant them authority with responsibility. Give them the resources and budget, etc. to get it done, the whole package. Do the ugliest job yourself. Treat your people well. Staff and secretaries are your lifeline.
Give someone a specific thing to do, a specific date and time, and consequences for not getting it done. Challenge people. Delegate until they complain (not necessarily complain, but give them ample things to do). Get it in writing. Send a short e-mail to follow up and clarify or overview expectations.
Give people objectives not procedures. Tell them what to do, not how to do it.
Reinforcement. Praise and thank someone when they do something well.
Take people’s phones in a meeting. No sense in being in a meeting with people who are half there. Have an agenda. One minute minutes - what decisions were made and who has what responsibility - e-mail out to the meeting attendees directly after the meeting.
Only use technology that’s worth it. Technology has to be something that makes your life better. Technology can change the work flow, the way you’re doing things, to make it more efficient.
E-mail - don’t ever delete any of it. Do not send an e-mail to 5 people asking for something to be done. Send it to somebody who can do it, with a specific time, and copy their boss on the e-mail (or have some kind of consequence if the task is not completed). If a person has not responded in 48 hours, it’s okay to send another one. Chances are after 48 hours, they are not planning on responding.
It’s not a vacation if you’re reading e-mail.
Kill your television. Average American watches 28 hours of television a week.
Eat, sleep, and exercise. If you get sleep deprived or stagnate, everything suffers.
Never break a promise, but renegotiate if need be. Call ahead of time to explain that you’re struggling and ask for an extension. No problem if they can’t negotiate. Stick to the promise.
If you don’t have time to do it right, you don’t have time to do it wrong.
Most things are pass/fail. It’s okay for some things to be good enough.
Get a planner - Make a to do list in priority order (day, week, month) - Time journal - 30 days from today revisit talk and ask ‘What have I changed?’
Time is all we have. You may find one day you have less than you think.
The end (not the means) of maximizing time is maximizing fun.
Being successful doesn’t make you manage your time well. Managing your time well makes you successful.
If you’re going to run with people who are faster than you, you are going to have to find a way to master the skills that you do have.
What will happen if I don’t do this item on my ‘to do’ list?
If you do the right things adequately, that’s much more important than doing the wrong things beautifully.
(Lou Holtz - 100 Things - look it up!)
80% of the revenue is going to come from 20% of your clients. Where is the value? Shove the other stuff off the boat.
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment. Experience is one of those things you can’t fake.
If you can dream it you can do it. -Walt Disney
If you refuse to allow yourself to dream it, I know you won’t do it.
Disneyland built in 366 days. When Walt Disney was asked how they did it in 366 days, he answered ‘we used every one of them’.
Failing to plan is planning to fail.
Plan for the day, the week, the semester.
You can’t change the plan unless you have it. Refusing to make a plan because you know it will change is just a paralysis of ‘I don’t have any marching orders’. Have a plan, knowing it will change, but have it so you have the basis to start with.
Do the ugliest thing first. If you have to eat a frog, don’t spend a lot of time looking at it first. If you have to eat three of them, don’t eat the smallest one first.
Due Soon Not Due Soon
Important
Not
Important
#1 - Important Due Soon
#4 - Not Important - Not Due Soon
#2 - Not Due Soon - Important
#3 - Due Soon - Not Important
We often mix up #2 and #3
If you get it done in #2, it won’t have a chance to make it to #1
Touch each piece of paper once. True for e-mail, too. Your inbox is not your ‘To Do’ list. You will sleep better if your inbox is empty.
A good filing system is essential (an alphabetical place for papers to go).
Use two monitors (or spaces on your mac).
Need some system for a calendar. Using up too much of your brain to keep track of a schedule and deadlines.
A speaker phone is the best thing you can buy to eliminate stress.
Recommends standing during business calls to keep them short. Group your phone calls, and call them right before lunch or the end of the day. The other person will have something else they would rather be doing, so they will get off the phone quicker.
Rides his bike around the neighborhood and talks on the phone with a headset.
Kleenex and Thank You cards are essential in an office. Paper recycling bin can save you sometimes, too, and post-it notes. Pictures of things you should be doing instead are a great reminder of what's important.
Make your office comfortable for you, and optionally comfortable for others so they won’t want to stay long.
You do not find time, you make it.
Learn to say ‘no’.
Find your creative time and defend it ruthlessly.
Find your dead time and schedule the things where you don’t need to be at your best.
Interruptions take 6-9 minutes with a 4-5 minute recovery. 5 interruptions blows a whole hour.
Turn phone calls into e-mail. Don’t have the ‘ding’ when an e-mail comes in, schedule time to look at it. Only look at it during that time.
“I only have 5 minutes”. If you want to give them more time you can, but you can tell them at 5 minutes that you told them at the beginning that you only had 5 minutes and send them on their way.
Time journals - monitor yourself and update it throughout the day - 15 minute intervals to keep track of where your time is going. You will be surprised at what you find.
Identify the gaps where you are most likely to waste time. Gaps in between classes is a great example. Make a ‘fake class’. You go into the library, and do not hang out with friends.
What am I doing that doesn’t need to be done? What can I delegate to someone else? What can I do more efficiently? How am I wasting other people’s time?
You manage your time better at work so you can leave on time and spend time with the people you love and things you enjoy. “I worked fewer hours when I got married, but got more done”.
Focus on the things that matter, and letting go of the things that don’t. (Pregnant woman with a cigarette in her hand complaining about the effect of construction noise on her unborn child.)
It’s not always about efficiency. Sometimes it’s about effectiveness and best overall outcome.
Doing things at the last minute is really expensive.
Make up a fake deadline if something is not due for a long time.
Identify why you are not enthusiastic (afraid of failure, needing to ask someone for something, fear of rejection, not understanding the task.) Sometimes all you have to do is ask.
Do not treat delegation as dumping (giving someone a task you do not have time for or want to do, and then micromanage it). You grant them authority with responsibility. Give them the resources and budget, etc. to get it done, the whole package. Do the ugliest job yourself. Treat your people well. Staff and secretaries are your lifeline.
Give someone a specific thing to do, a specific date and time, and consequences for not getting it done. Challenge people. Delegate until they complain (not necessarily complain, but give them ample things to do). Get it in writing. Send a short e-mail to follow up and clarify or overview expectations.
Give people objectives not procedures. Tell them what to do, not how to do it.
Reinforcement. Praise and thank someone when they do something well.
Take people’s phones in a meeting. No sense in being in a meeting with people who are half there. Have an agenda. One minute minutes - what decisions were made and who has what responsibility - e-mail out to the meeting attendees directly after the meeting.
Only use technology that’s worth it. Technology has to be something that makes your life better. Technology can change the work flow, the way you’re doing things, to make it more efficient.
E-mail - don’t ever delete any of it. Do not send an e-mail to 5 people asking for something to be done. Send it to somebody who can do it, with a specific time, and copy their boss on the e-mail (or have some kind of consequence if the task is not completed). If a person has not responded in 48 hours, it’s okay to send another one. Chances are after 48 hours, they are not planning on responding.
It’s not a vacation if you’re reading e-mail.
Kill your television. Average American watches 28 hours of television a week.
Eat, sleep, and exercise. If you get sleep deprived or stagnate, everything suffers.
Never break a promise, but renegotiate if need be. Call ahead of time to explain that you’re struggling and ask for an extension. No problem if they can’t negotiate. Stick to the promise.
If you don’t have time to do it right, you don’t have time to do it wrong.
Most things are pass/fail. It’s okay for some things to be good enough.
Get a planner - Make a to do list in priority order (day, week, month) - Time journal - 30 days from today revisit talk and ask ‘What have I changed?’
Time is all we have. You may find one day you have less than you think.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Friday, August 05, 2011
Aide-mémoire
"I just want to say to everyone like me who chose slightly more complicated paths, the roads less traveled, the ones with lots of roadblocks and long stretches of anguish, I just want to say that the most important thing is to always be moving toward your desire. Just do the things that make you smile and you’ll always end up somewhere. Even if that place is not anywhere you’d imagined you’d be at the start."
This is an excerpt from a blog by my new friend Garance Dore'
You should get to know her.....
This is an excerpt from a blog by my new friend Garance Dore'
You should get to know her.....
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 26th - Random Thoughts at Camp
I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I never thought, in a million years, that life could or would ever be this good. I almost feel guilty writing that...isn’t that silly? I think my life has had good moments all along, but I never allowed myself to feel happy about them. I’m not sure when I finally decided to allow myself to feel happy without the guilt. I think I just realized that no matter how undeserving, or how many other people deserved it more than me, God has chosen to bless me. Who am I to say ‘no thanks’? There is always room for improvement, of course. But, I am happy to be in a place where I can comfortably recognize where improvements can take place and work to make my way towards a better version of myself. I’m starting to feel comfortable, at times, in my own skin. I want to know what that feels like all the time. How does confident feel?
I dress up like a super hero. It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud to people, or try to explain what I mean. It is about as ridiculous as it sounds. I wonder, sometimes, what people must think, and then I forget about it and carry on in my super hero ways. Every once in a while I almost get embarrassed about what I do. I look at myself in the mirror when I’m all dressed up, and ready to go on, and I chuckle, because it just seems so ridiculous. Then, I get up in front of those kids, or I have a one-on-one conversation with them, or I sign something, or get my picture taken with them, and I can tell that they feel...special. These kids are special, every single one of them. If I can do something to help them feel that way, or see their worth, then I will do it, no matter how ridiculous others may think it is.
Opening myself up to dating again, or the possibility of love, has also opened up to me lonely nights that I haven’t experienced in a long time. It’s like I suddenly am aware of what I might be missing, or could potentially have one day. I think I finally see falling in love as a potentially good thing. I remind myself on those nights how full my life is, and I appreciate the time alone, even if I am a little lonely. If I don’t allow myself to get trapped in my own mind, nights like those can often be the most productive, or end up being the nights where I gain the most perspective. Some of my loneliest moments in life have been in a crowded room, or lying next to someone, completely un-alone, and totally lonely.
Blessed!
I dress up like a super hero. It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud to people, or try to explain what I mean. It is about as ridiculous as it sounds. I wonder, sometimes, what people must think, and then I forget about it and carry on in my super hero ways. Every once in a while I almost get embarrassed about what I do. I look at myself in the mirror when I’m all dressed up, and ready to go on, and I chuckle, because it just seems so ridiculous. Then, I get up in front of those kids, or I have a one-on-one conversation with them, or I sign something, or get my picture taken with them, and I can tell that they feel...special. These kids are special, every single one of them. If I can do something to help them feel that way, or see their worth, then I will do it, no matter how ridiculous others may think it is.
Opening myself up to dating again, or the possibility of love, has also opened up to me lonely nights that I haven’t experienced in a long time. It’s like I suddenly am aware of what I might be missing, or could potentially have one day. I think I finally see falling in love as a potentially good thing. I remind myself on those nights how full my life is, and I appreciate the time alone, even if I am a little lonely. If I don’t allow myself to get trapped in my own mind, nights like those can often be the most productive, or end up being the nights where I gain the most perspective. Some of my loneliest moments in life have been in a crowded room, or lying next to someone, completely un-alone, and totally lonely.
Blessed!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Worth Re-visiting....
Thursday, August 30, 2007 Tonight my heart is racing, not from nervousness or fear, but racing with love and hope, a little sorrow and a great deal of mercy. We had our second audition tonight for "Frankenstein". I can honestly say I gave everything I had, and left anything I had left from the day on that stage tonight. All I wanted was a chance...the opportunity to show people what I could do, the opportunity to show myself what I could do. I was given the opportunity and rose to the occasion. What more can I ask for? After auditions, I had the familiar afterthought, wondering if it just wasn't enough, or wondering if it was too much. The thought was replaced quickly by the realization that everything happens as it should, I truly did my best, and there was nothing more I could do. Suddenly, I also remembered where I live. I live with homeless women. I walk past people every day, either on the street or in the halls, and I feel their pain, their hopelessness. Suddenly, what I was feeling was blessed, not stressed. I had the chance to be on stage tonight and lose myself in a moment, in a character, and come out a better person. I had the chance to feel that fire in my gut, the ache in my chest, the passion come alive and unfold before me, within me. I came home tonight and talked to one of our guests about her housing situation. I was supposed to help her move her few items into a new apartment tomorrow. She has been delayed another week. You could just see the anguish in her face. We will go tomorrow to get a few other things in order. You see, she doesn't have a car, either. I reminded her that she always has a place here, at this house, and that we are happy to have her however long it takes...words didn't seem to be enough tonight, but tomorrow is a new day, and she never stays down for long. She then told me that the other house guest we have went into the hospital tonight. She is 7 months along, and her baby has downs syndrome. She moved in with us to be closer to the hospital, and it's a good thing she did, the baby has fluid around his heart. If it is as bad as they think, she could have an emergency C-section tomorrow...so we will drop in to see her just in case. Then, I am off to a baby shower for my friend Melissa. Melissa was on bed rest for two months or so because there was a tear in her uterus, and the doctor's were worried about her safety. Abigail was born early and stayed in the NICU for a while. She is now almost two months old, and healthy, and mom is doing fine. Tomorrow I get to see Abigail for the first time. We are going to have one heck of a celebration! In the middle of all of this, I will stop by SVSU and check to see if my name is on the cast list. It seems trivial compared to all that is taking place tomorrow...but I know it is just as important, for it will determine my next move. If my name is not on the list, I know that my time and energy is needed elsewhere. If my name is on the list, I will work very hard to honor those who gave it their all tonight, and bring everything I have and everything I am to each rehearsal, making the most of the opportunity presented to me. I think deep down I know the answer, and I humbly say "well done" to all who are chosen. As I lay my head on my pillow tonight, my thoughts will turn to my brother, as they do each night. I picture him on a cot in a cell, and wonder if his blanket is warm enough. Nobody is beyond hope, nobody is beyond redemption. Nobody is so far gone that God can't reach them. Nobody. With that, I whisper a prayer of thanksgiving for God bringing me to a new place tonight, and a prayer of hope for everyone who is laying in bed, or sitting on a barstool, or curled up in a corner, or driving down the highway, clouded by fear and despair. I pray that the Son may begin to peek through the clouds as you get through one day at a time.
Don't Break a Heart...Break a Leg
*Happy to report that little Abigail is a rambunctious kid who is healthy and strong...and mom and dad have had another healthy child, a son Miles, to add to their beautiful family. My brother is working in Midland and doing very well, and both women from the Jeanine House are in their own apartments and doing fine. The woman had an adorable baby, who was born premature, but doing very well now. Wow - so many happy endings! God is good.....
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Betcha Can't Eat Just One...
Friday, May 27th
I can’t think of a better way to spend a Friday night than camping out at Chad’s house.
I had dinner tonight with four extraordinary men, and one adorable baby. I know, sounds like a Ted Danson movie, but it really was fabulous. Our conversation went round and round, and it felt like I have been part of this little group all along. I adore all of them. I often adore the people I meet along the way. I am friends with a ton of pretty stellar people, so, naturally, it makes sense that their friends also tend to be stellar people.
How do I meet such amazing individuals? And, why do they want to be part of my life? You have to be open, I suppose. I think open is definitely one way to describe me. I can think of many other more suitable words, but that would be getting off track.
I am always inspired after spending time with Chad...inspired and exhausted thinking about all of the things I know I am capable of accomplishing.
I feel like I could change Saginaw. Let me rephrase that: I feel like I have the energy, ideas, and could find the wherewithal to lead the team that would ultimately start the ball rolling towards a viable future for Saginaw. It makes me tired to think about it, and also extremely excited, because I know how much work it will take to get and keep things moving forward.
I feel like I could eventually be president of the national organization American Alliance for Theatre and Education. I know what direction I would take the conference, and the organization as a whole.
I feel like I could make connections and take SASA Theatre to a level it has never seen before. I have come to enjoy teaching a great deal.
I feel like I could start my own performing arts center.
I feel like I could audition and make it into a reputable Masters program, maybe even one overseas.
I feel like health, wellness, and motivation could become more than just a lifestyle, but an actual career path.
How do you know which dream to follow? Becoming a better teacher is where I chose to focus my energy this year, and I am so pleased to see the result. I am happy. I am never happy for long just plugging into one thing, though. However, it seems to work well to be able to focus your energy into one area. Teaching theatre is so broad. There are so many elements involved. Simply establishing, organizing, and maintaining spaces for costumes, props, lumber, tools, sound equipment, etc. is a daunting and ongoing task in and of itself, and makes up roughly 5% of my job.
Recently, my social life has become a priority. I am surprised to see what direction that has taken me so quickly. I am happy to say things are moving along nicely. However, it takes up some time I could be spending on the aforementioned dreams. Now that I am sitting here thinking about all of the things I want to do, I can’t help but wonder if the social life thing is really all that important. Was it just a phase and now it’s time to get back to work? Is there a way to balance both? Where does family time fit in with all of this? Seems what I am really after is some semblance of balance. But I want to see, and do, and know everything!
Every time I go to Lansing, or Grand Rapids, or Detroit, I feel called to take action in my own community and start making things happen. Every time I see a great performance, or begin brainstorming with the performing arts teachers, I feel inspired to work collaboratively and make things happen for my students and my school. Every time I workshop a monologue, or read a great script with an abstruse and/or esoteric character, I feel that pull (that seems to come from somewhere within my bones) to sink my teeth into that role and act again. Every time I am driving home from an amazing weekend with new or old friends, I am reminded how important it is to take breaks, invest in others, and enjoy those moments. Every time I am with my family I am reminded how much I love them, and how important they really are to me. I hate that my family just gets my leftover time and energy sometimes. They deserve more. Every time I go to church I am reminded what it’s really all about, and it makes me want to get more involved with a small group, or volunteering with the youth, or to consider the mission field, or work on a couple of service projects.
No matter where I happen to be, I always want to go all in. You can’t go all in on one thing...it’s impossible. If you tell me something is impossible, though, I will go to extreme lengths to show myself the fallacy of the statement.
Go big or go home, right? Or is there something in between that is just as divine?
I can’t think of a better way to spend a Friday night than camping out at Chad’s house.
I had dinner tonight with four extraordinary men, and one adorable baby. I know, sounds like a Ted Danson movie, but it really was fabulous. Our conversation went round and round, and it felt like I have been part of this little group all along. I adore all of them. I often adore the people I meet along the way. I am friends with a ton of pretty stellar people, so, naturally, it makes sense that their friends also tend to be stellar people.
How do I meet such amazing individuals? And, why do they want to be part of my life? You have to be open, I suppose. I think open is definitely one way to describe me. I can think of many other more suitable words, but that would be getting off track.
I am always inspired after spending time with Chad...inspired and exhausted thinking about all of the things I know I am capable of accomplishing.
I feel like I could change Saginaw. Let me rephrase that: I feel like I have the energy, ideas, and could find the wherewithal to lead the team that would ultimately start the ball rolling towards a viable future for Saginaw. It makes me tired to think about it, and also extremely excited, because I know how much work it will take to get and keep things moving forward.
I feel like I could eventually be president of the national organization American Alliance for Theatre and Education. I know what direction I would take the conference, and the organization as a whole.
I feel like I could make connections and take SASA Theatre to a level it has never seen before. I have come to enjoy teaching a great deal.
I feel like I could start my own performing arts center.
I feel like I could audition and make it into a reputable Masters program, maybe even one overseas.
I feel like health, wellness, and motivation could become more than just a lifestyle, but an actual career path.
How do you know which dream to follow? Becoming a better teacher is where I chose to focus my energy this year, and I am so pleased to see the result. I am happy. I am never happy for long just plugging into one thing, though. However, it seems to work well to be able to focus your energy into one area. Teaching theatre is so broad. There are so many elements involved. Simply establishing, organizing, and maintaining spaces for costumes, props, lumber, tools, sound equipment, etc. is a daunting and ongoing task in and of itself, and makes up roughly 5% of my job.
Recently, my social life has become a priority. I am surprised to see what direction that has taken me so quickly. I am happy to say things are moving along nicely. However, it takes up some time I could be spending on the aforementioned dreams. Now that I am sitting here thinking about all of the things I want to do, I can’t help but wonder if the social life thing is really all that important. Was it just a phase and now it’s time to get back to work? Is there a way to balance both? Where does family time fit in with all of this? Seems what I am really after is some semblance of balance. But I want to see, and do, and know everything!
Every time I go to Lansing, or Grand Rapids, or Detroit, I feel called to take action in my own community and start making things happen. Every time I see a great performance, or begin brainstorming with the performing arts teachers, I feel inspired to work collaboratively and make things happen for my students and my school. Every time I workshop a monologue, or read a great script with an abstruse and/or esoteric character, I feel that pull (that seems to come from somewhere within my bones) to sink my teeth into that role and act again. Every time I am driving home from an amazing weekend with new or old friends, I am reminded how important it is to take breaks, invest in others, and enjoy those moments. Every time I am with my family I am reminded how much I love them, and how important they really are to me. I hate that my family just gets my leftover time and energy sometimes. They deserve more. Every time I go to church I am reminded what it’s really all about, and it makes me want to get more involved with a small group, or volunteering with the youth, or to consider the mission field, or work on a couple of service projects.
No matter where I happen to be, I always want to go all in. You can’t go all in on one thing...it’s impossible. If you tell me something is impossible, though, I will go to extreme lengths to show myself the fallacy of the statement.
Go big or go home, right? Or is there something in between that is just as divine?
Sunday, May 15, 2011
The White Rabbit Was Right
My whole life I have always been late. Late bloomer, late for appointments, even late to mature...socially. Just....late.
With God, however, timing is everything. It’s all happening just as it should, in it’s own time.
I am not late. I am right where God wants me to be. Or, maybe, I am not where God wants me to be, but He’s going to use me in this time, in this place, in spite of my eternal tardiness. You want to hear something strange? I never thought I would live to see 30. Maybe I’m just late on that one, too.
I once was late for an appointment with a friend, who was my boss at the time. When I arrived exasperated and huffing and puffing to show him I “sure tried real hard to hurry” but was late anyway, he said something really interesting that stuck with me forever. He simply said, “You know, when you’re late, Colleen, it makes the person waiting feel like you felt there was something more important than them.” I wish I could say I haven’t been late since. I can say however, that I am usually the person left waiting now, and I always repeat the quote to the latecomer who is often huffing and puffing and making excuses when they arrive.
Distractions annoy me. (Funny statement to write, as it has absolutely nothing to do with the previous paragraph...see...annoying:) Distractions can be annoying...especially if it’s somebody on their phone or computer while they are hanging out with you. I think being on your phone, texting, or being on your computer makes the people you’re with feel like there is someplace else you would rather be. If there is someplace else you would rather be, my friends all know, I would rather you be there than feeling like you’re stuck with me. I never want anyone to talk to me or hang out with me out of a sense of obligation. Gross. Go, be happy doing what you want to do. I want you to be happy. So, you are not doing me any favors by hanging out with me or talking to me trying to make me happy. I know how to be happy all by myself. I want you to know how to be happy all by yourself, too.
I used to be distracted all the time when I would hang out with other people. Back then it wasn’t so much about phones or laptops...you were lucky if you knew a handful of people who owned them, but more about waiting for something better to come along. I would always keep myself open in case something more engaging cropped up. I think that’s where my affinity towards a lack of making plans began. I realized I was never fully engaged in any one moment. That gets tiring after a while. Plus, it doesn’t make you happy. You can never be quite fully satisfied that way. I’m not sure when things changed for me in this regard. I think it might have been accidentally letting go of a little of the control and realizing how enjoyable that could be. Maybe it was some significant event (although not quite significant enough to recall at the moment) that made me desire to live in the moment and cherish the people close to me in that time, in that place. Whatever it was, I’m grateful for it. I now fully engage in almost every moment I’m in, especially if it involves people who are dear to me; and I have a lot of amazing people who are very dear to me. Perhaps this appreciation came when I stopped being able to see my friends and family so regularly. I’m not sure. All I know is I find joy now in every moment, and appreciate exactly where I am, and who I am with, as it is happening. I am fully present. I think that is one of the best feelings in the world. That is joy.
With God, however, timing is everything. It’s all happening just as it should, in it’s own time.
I am not late. I am right where God wants me to be. Or, maybe, I am not where God wants me to be, but He’s going to use me in this time, in this place, in spite of my eternal tardiness. You want to hear something strange? I never thought I would live to see 30. Maybe I’m just late on that one, too.
I once was late for an appointment with a friend, who was my boss at the time. When I arrived exasperated and huffing and puffing to show him I “sure tried real hard to hurry” but was late anyway, he said something really interesting that stuck with me forever. He simply said, “You know, when you’re late, Colleen, it makes the person waiting feel like you felt there was something more important than them.” I wish I could say I haven’t been late since. I can say however, that I am usually the person left waiting now, and I always repeat the quote to the latecomer who is often huffing and puffing and making excuses when they arrive.
Distractions annoy me. (Funny statement to write, as it has absolutely nothing to do with the previous paragraph...see...annoying:) Distractions can be annoying...especially if it’s somebody on their phone or computer while they are hanging out with you. I think being on your phone, texting, or being on your computer makes the people you’re with feel like there is someplace else you would rather be. If there is someplace else you would rather be, my friends all know, I would rather you be there than feeling like you’re stuck with me. I never want anyone to talk to me or hang out with me out of a sense of obligation. Gross. Go, be happy doing what you want to do. I want you to be happy. So, you are not doing me any favors by hanging out with me or talking to me trying to make me happy. I know how to be happy all by myself. I want you to know how to be happy all by yourself, too.
I used to be distracted all the time when I would hang out with other people. Back then it wasn’t so much about phones or laptops...you were lucky if you knew a handful of people who owned them, but more about waiting for something better to come along. I would always keep myself open in case something more engaging cropped up. I think that’s where my affinity towards a lack of making plans began. I realized I was never fully engaged in any one moment. That gets tiring after a while. Plus, it doesn’t make you happy. You can never be quite fully satisfied that way. I’m not sure when things changed for me in this regard. I think it might have been accidentally letting go of a little of the control and realizing how enjoyable that could be. Maybe it was some significant event (although not quite significant enough to recall at the moment) that made me desire to live in the moment and cherish the people close to me in that time, in that place. Whatever it was, I’m grateful for it. I now fully engage in almost every moment I’m in, especially if it involves people who are dear to me; and I have a lot of amazing people who are very dear to me. Perhaps this appreciation came when I stopped being able to see my friends and family so regularly. I’m not sure. All I know is I find joy now in every moment, and appreciate exactly where I am, and who I am with, as it is happening. I am fully present. I think that is one of the best feelings in the world. That is joy.
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Water Night
Water Night by Eric Whitacre
Night with the eyes of a horse that trembles in the night,
Night with eyes of water in the field asleep
Is in your eyes, a horse that trembles is in
Your eyes of secret water.
Eyes of shadow-water,
Eyes of well-water,
Eyes of dream-water.
Silence and solitude,
Two little animals moon-led,
Drink in your eyes,
Drink in those waters.
If you open your eyes, night opens doors of musk,
The secret kingdom of the water opens
Flowing from the center of the night.
And if you close your eyes,
A river, a silent and beautiful current, fills you from within,
Flows forward, darkens you:
Night brings its wetness to beaches in your soul.
Night with eyes of water in the field asleep
Is in your eyes, a horse that trembles is in
Your eyes of secret water.
Eyes of shadow-water,
Eyes of well-water,
Eyes of dream-water.
Silence and solitude,
Two little animals moon-led,
Drink in your eyes,
Drink in those waters.
If you open your eyes, night opens doors of musk,
The secret kingdom of the water opens
Flowing from the center of the night.
And if you close your eyes,
A river, a silent and beautiful current, fills you from within,
Flows forward, darkens you:
Night brings its wetness to beaches in your soul.
Original poem by Octavio Paz
AGUA NOCTURNA
La noche de ojos de caballo que tiemblan en la noche,
la noche de ojos de agua en el campo dormido,
está en tus ojos de caballo que tiembla,
está en tus ojos de agua secreta.
Ojos de agua de sombra,
ojos de agua de pozo,
ojos de agua de sueño.
El silencio y la soledad,
como dos pequeños animales a quienes guÃa la luna,
beben en esos ojos,
beben en esas aguas.
Si abres los ojos,
se abre la noche de puertas de musgo,
se abre el reino secreto del agua
que mana del centro de la noche.
Y si los cierras,
un rÃo, una corriente dulce y silenciosa,
te inunda por dentro, avanza, te hace oscura:
la noche moja riberas en tu alma.
la noche de ojos de agua en el campo dormido,
está en tus ojos de caballo que tiembla,
está en tus ojos de agua secreta.
Ojos de agua de sombra,
ojos de agua de pozo,
ojos de agua de sueño.
El silencio y la soledad,
como dos pequeños animales a quienes guÃa la luna,
beben en esos ojos,
beben en esas aguas.
Si abres los ojos,
se abre la noche de puertas de musgo,
se abre el reino secreto del agua
que mana del centro de la noche.
Y si los cierras,
un rÃo, una corriente dulce y silenciosa,
te inunda por dentro, avanza, te hace oscura:
la noche moja riberas en tu alma.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
The List
Buy a real bed (complete with a headboard...and a real mattress, and grown up bedding, and real bedroom furniture....put elements of design to work and make a "big girl" bedroom...with curtains...and stuff on the walls... :) (September 2011)
At least 3 weeks in Italy (September 2016)
Tigers Game (August 2011)
Audition and be in another show or play a character in a public performance (September 2012)
At least three weeks service work in Africa (August 2014)
Lions Playoff Game (January 2012)
2 Big Venue Concerts (September 2012)
Begin a portfolio complete with work from the last five years (August 2011)
Minimize all the basement crap into 3 tubs...yikes! (September 2011)
Finally pick a school and begin a certification program, including a schedule for all necessary classes, and an expected completion date...make a plan! (September 2011)
Hire a cleaning lady (October 2011)
Go camping for more than one night! (August 2011)
Pick shows for the next two years, sketch a basic set design and concept for each. (September 2011)
Organize spaces at school (storage, costumes, props, paint corner, backstage, stage manager area, gels/gobos, both light/sound booths, put in work order for storage of cords, mics, lights, etc., open and put away all new lighting and sound equipment) (June 2011)
Memorize and workshop 3 contrasting monologues (September 2011)
Write dad a final letter, offering forgiveness, for everything...one last correspondence with him to get directions for the hike to the lily pond where grandpa's buried. Rent a motorcycle, ride out to Colorado, and make that hike. (August 2012)
Pay off all debts excluding student loans (September 2012)
Braces! (January 2012)
Plan a real vacation, out of state, in advance, with no possibility of cancellation (June 2013)
Start the Adventure Club (October 2011)
Run in a 5K (June 2012)
Learn basic Italian (August 2013)
Take drum lessons (May 2012)
Red Wings Game (April 2012)
Read three novels (October 2011)
Learn to cook one signature dish and totally rock at it (December 2011)
Donate the Jeep :( (October 2011)
At least 3 weeks in Italy (September 2016)
Tigers Game (August 2011)
Audition and be in another show or play a character in a public performance (September 2012)
At least three weeks service work in Africa (August 2014)
Lions Playoff Game (January 2012)
2 Big Venue Concerts (September 2012)
Begin a portfolio complete with work from the last five years (August 2011)
Minimize all the basement crap into 3 tubs...yikes! (September 2011)
Finally pick a school and begin a certification program, including a schedule for all necessary classes, and an expected completion date...make a plan! (September 2011)
Hire a cleaning lady (October 2011)
Go camping for more than one night! (August 2011)
Pick shows for the next two years, sketch a basic set design and concept for each. (September 2011)
Organize spaces at school (storage, costumes, props, paint corner, backstage, stage manager area, gels/gobos, both light/sound booths, put in work order for storage of cords, mics, lights, etc., open and put away all new lighting and sound equipment) (June 2011)
Memorize and workshop 3 contrasting monologues (September 2011)
Write dad a final letter, offering forgiveness, for everything...one last correspondence with him to get directions for the hike to the lily pond where grandpa's buried. Rent a motorcycle, ride out to Colorado, and make that hike. (August 2012)
Pay off all debts excluding student loans (September 2012)
Braces! (January 2012)
Plan a real vacation, out of state, in advance, with no possibility of cancellation (June 2013)
Start the Adventure Club (October 2011)
Run in a 5K (June 2012)
Learn basic Italian (August 2013)
Take drum lessons (May 2012)
Red Wings Game (April 2012)
Read three novels (October 2011)
Learn to cook one signature dish and totally rock at it (December 2011)
Donate the Jeep :( (October 2011)
Friday, April 22, 2011
Sometimes I re-read...sometimes I re-post
Originally posted Monday, September 10, 2007:
Everything is Ephemeral
i sit
my legs curled under me
bare feet cool on a barely-lit stage
light pools splash across my back spilling onto the empty chairs
cross-legged on the apron of the bare bones stage peering out into the crowdless space suddenly i begin to see them take shape
the subtext of their existence playing out across my heart as they search for the perfect seat and wait for the story to unfold
the elderly couple walk down the aisle hand in hand
they select a seat in the front row so she will be able to hear and see everything more clearly her eyes light up as the song and dance commence
he lightly reaches for her hand hoping to take part in her adventure
the mom and dad file into the fifth row just left of center
mom hides her camera from the usher while dad sits wishing he were golfing
their little angel floats across the stage
suddenly both come to life exchanging prideful smiles of a shared success
the college freshman saunters in remembering to remove his ballcap and turn off his phone he chooses a seat near the wall in the back
as the curtain rises for Act II he leans his head back, closes his eyes, and falls asleep
she walks in dressed in her theatre best and chooses a seat towards the front
as she waits for the play to begin she glances longingly at the seat to her left
her husband would always sit to her left and take her to a late dinner after the show
the characters come out onto the stage as her tears silently fall onto the program in her lap
a society man ushers the tall blonde to his reserved seats in the third row
he shakes the hand of the playhouse owner and introduces his fair maiden
they then sit and chatter lightly waiting for the play to begin
smiling warmly at each other when the lights dim each knowing the relationship is as ephemeral as the show they are about to see
he walks in with his head down as people stare menacingly at his mohawk and chains
he slides into the aisle seat towards the back wondering why he came
she steps out onto the stage and begins to sing
mesmerized, he is transfixed on her beauty and is sure she is singing only to him
she walks in with a book in her hand stopping at the door and scanning the room
she notices the boy with the mohawk sitting near the back
she quietly slips into the seat across the aisle and opens her book
watching him watching her becomes too unbearable and she quietly slips out the door
the two girls walk in talking loudly to each other as they make their way to the front
sitting near the wall in the front row they giggle and tease tossing their hair and scanning the room as they pretend to listen to one another
they stand and scream and hug their friends as they arrive hoping to get their fifteen minutes before the actors take the stage
the old man takes his seat in the third row near the wall on the left
he sits quietly reading the program, adjusting his spectacles as he scans the pages he is reminded of a painting he has hanging in his parlor above the mantel
the lights dim as he sets down the program and awaits the magic on stage
he is home
my thoughts are interrupted by footsteps behind me
"it's time to go", he says "it's quite late."
as we turn out the lights and begin to walk out, i look back and see them sitting, waiting for someone to carry them to a place they would rather be
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Covered With Scars I Did Nothing To Earn....
A student of mine just directed "The Last Five Years" at SASA. The show breaks my heart, but it's also really good....kind of like "The Notebook"...haha....the play takes you on a journey through five years of a relationship, marriage, and eventual breakup of a couple...the interesting part is, the girl starts at the end of the journey and works back, and the guy starts where they met and works forward...they eventually meet in the middle, and then continue on their individual paths towards the inevitable good-bye...him saying good-bye for good, and her saying good-bye after their first date....augh...their is a hole in my chest just thinking about it again...
I've never had something like this happen to me, what happens to this couple...not in a romantic sense, anyway...not to this extreme...but something about this rings so true to me, to everyone, I imagine...it's one of those shows where we all take ownership in some way...I think it's my biggest fear staring me in the face...that's why I stayed away from dating for so long...it was just...easier....but I don't want to run anymore...I face my fears every day, I'm known for it...so I must face this one, too....only those who dare to risk can really and truly make peace with themselves, I think....
I've never had something like this happen to me, what happens to this couple...not in a romantic sense, anyway...not to this extreme...but something about this rings so true to me, to everyone, I imagine...it's one of those shows where we all take ownership in some way...I think it's my biggest fear staring me in the face...that's why I stayed away from dating for so long...it was just...easier....but I don't want to run anymore...I face my fears every day, I'm known for it...so I must face this one, too....only those who dare to risk can really and truly make peace with themselves, I think....
This is the opening number of the play. Something about it haunts me, and I'm not entirely sure what it is....maybe if I share it with you...it will stop haunting me...
CATHERINE
Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie's decided it's time to move on
Jamie has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting
Jamie arrived at the end of the line
Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine
Jamie is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting
What about lies, Jamie?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Jamie
What about you
Jamie is sure something wonderful died
Jamie decides it's his right to decide
Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting
Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right...
Give me a day, Jamie
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I'd see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all
Jamie is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm
Still Hurting
Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie's decided it's time to move on
Jamie has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting
Jamie arrived at the end of the line
Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine
Jamie is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting
What about lies, Jamie?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Jamie
What about you
Jamie is sure something wonderful died
Jamie decides it's his right to decide
Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting
Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right...
Give me a day, Jamie
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I'd see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all
Jamie is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm
Still Hurting
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