i never know how to start these things.
once i get writing, i can't really stop. i rarely go back and edit or delete anything i have written, no matter how embarrassing, but i always sit in front of a blank screen for a while before i actually begin writing.
sometimes, i am so out of the loop. bob maul passed away two months ago, and i didn't even know he was sick. i have been in old town and have stopped in the red eye a few times since he passed, and i still had no idea. i noticed on myspace that the lawn chair film festival dedicated their season to him and thought that was odd, so i looked online and found an article about his passing. i truly can't get a handle on how strange i feel about the whole situation.
i had so much swimming in my mind, and now it's just blank. that happens all the time. so many moments where i feel i need to write, and then i get in a position to be able to jot down a few things and my mind clears.
i have one more day of school...actually half a day. my high school students are out for the summer. my middle school students and i will be having fun in the morning, and then i need to finish packing and cleaning my classroom, finish tucking away and locking up everything in the auditorium, put in the last couple weeks of grades, figure out a supplies list and budget for next year, and turn in my keys. it's all a little bittersweet, really. however relieved i may be, i have a sense that there is a void. i wonder if all the teachers feel this way at the end of the year. it's probably because everything is so uncertain, my job, my summer, school, money, my future. it's all kind of up in the air. on wednesday i will wake up and literally have nothing to do. well, that's not entirely true. there is so much planning to do to get ready for next year, it's crazy really. the theatre department at sasa is in shambles, and needs some serious revamping. i'm excited to do it, but i have to stay on task to get it done in the next couple of months. it's going to take some self-discipline to get to work when no one is on my case, or there's no deadline until august...not one of my strongest suits. when i have the kids in front of me i know my job is to teach them, and have some fun in the process, while keeping everyone safe. when they're not around i have the hardest time getting anything done.
i think once my mind, and body, have a few days to rest, i'll be surprised how much clearer my thinking will be. i also do better when the sun is out and the weather is warm. i think i am more burnt out than even i could guess because of this crazy year.
i was a bit...well, more than a bit disappointed when i didn't get a part in any of the shows i auditioned for, but now i realize it was a bit of a blessing in disguise. i am free...unemployed, but free. i tend to keep myself rather busy, and i can't believe i haven't committed myself to a million obligations this summer. it was the hardest thing in the world to keep saying no, but i did it. i actually said no...more than once, and to some pretty good opportunities. however, they were opportunities that would have seriously wore me down, and i'm not sure how much more wearing i can take at this point.
i am just sitting here, staring out the window. i know i should go for a walk, but all i really want to do is take a nap. i should enter grades, or begin making a supplies list for next year. i actually have no idea how i get through some of the administrative parts of being a teacher. i truly don't have a clue what i'm doing. you ever feel like you're a complete fraud, and any minute someone is going to figure it out and the veil will be lifted? i feel like that all the time, with everything that i do.
that's my big secret.
