Old School Breakthrough...

ORIGINAL POST:  FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2008

shoe strings and lollipops

i hate "when harry met sally"...i hate harry...and i hate sally...

which is a shame, because i love meg ryan and billy crystal. 

friends aren't always meant to be together.  

really.  i always thought that they were because of stupid movies like this one...but it's not true.  (big sigh)...it's a brilliant phone scene...you know, after they sleep together and they each call their best friends, who happen to be married.  excellent move by the writers to have that scene...well played by the director...but i'm getting distracted...  

i thought maybe, if two people were friends, eventually they were meant to be together, (especially when everyone you know is pushing for you to be together...and assuming that you've already been together, even though you haven't), and it was only just recently i realized how untrue that is, and how jaded i've been from stupid movies like this one (almost screwing up perfectly good friendships because of such jaded-ness.)  two friends show up by themselves at a wedding years later, and end up sitting by each other...you might think it's meant to be...but i know that is not the case, and he knows that's not the case...but everyone else seems to be just as jaded as i used to be.  i know.  i used to be so sure, and now, sitting here, watching this movie, i realize...i don't know a damn thing...thank goodness.

i was in damons getting a drink (if you ever want to meet a successful single man, go into damon's on a thursday night.)  it was flattering, the attention i received, especially since i was in sweatpants and no make-up, but really dis-heartening as well...because they don't even know me.  they see a girl interested in the colorado/west virginia game, drinking a beer, and they want to marry you.  they don't know that i am indecisive, loud, sometimes irrational, and often incomprehensible.  they just see a young, blonde chic drinkin' and watchin' the game, and thinking (maybe because of stupid movies they have watched, as well) that we might be destined to be together...or maybe, they just want to know my name...and i'm the one that's giving myself too much credit assuming the rest.  

(oh great..."pure country" is on cmt.   that's another one of 'those' movies.  it has my favorite song in it...at the end, of course...when the star-crossed lovers end up together because he sings "cross my heart" to her, while she sits in the front row of his awesome las vegas concert...i think.)

i'm not as bitter, or cynical, or jaded as i sound.  believe it or not i am feeling pretty confident, and secure, and relieved.  i am relieved because i see it now...i see how wrong i was, and am, and probably will be, because of movies like these.

i just recently had my ten year reunion...yes, my high school reunion, thank  you very much...and i saw a man...who i thought was my soulmate when i was sixteen.  

seriously.  i do appreciate him as a person, don't get me wrong...but i kissed him...of course i did...hello?!  it was fun...until, mid-kiss, when he professed his love for me.  he told me he loves me, he's sure of it, he's always loved me...

oh, crap.  

suddenly kissing wasn't as much fun.  (you'll have to forgive me if this is a little choppy and...well, awkward...i've had some champagne, and i am an awkward person...cheers...so i'm going to tell this story as is, and probably allow it to be published and remain on my blog...however embarrassing it might be in the morning...because it must be coming from some place honest within me.)  suddenly...i felt a burden...a burden to be honest about what feelings i don't have, and haven't had for a long time.  the funny thing is, it didn't seem to sway him one way or the other...as if he thought i was denying myself the truth of the matter...when the truth of the matter was i couldn't wait to get back to camp and forget about what had just taken place.

i'm tired of my unavailable friends offering availability to me, if i were to be so inclined...that just makes me sad, and happens more often then anyone would care to know.  i'm tired of everyone trying to set me up with their son, or grandson, or godson, simply because i am old and unattached.  really?  am i not a whole person because i don't have somebody to 'share my life with?'...um...news flash...i share my life with a lot of people...but, mostly, i share my life with God.  why is that not enough for others?  

a friend of mine said that the ladies at his church told him he needs to meet a nice girl with good credit...ha.  i don't want someone to save me.  i want to save myself.  i would like to know i can do it on my own before someone else comes along who can do it for me.  i want to know that i succeeded, and made good choices, for me.  therefore, i shouldn't be surprised i haven't met that guy i'm going to spend the rest of my life with...because i'm still making some idiotic choices...

maybe when i start making some really good choices, that's when i'll meet mister right...maybe it's that very thought that keeps me from making good choices....

maybe...it's time to get under the covers and appreciate how far i've come...and appreciate movies like this that make me smile...but don't define my life, or gauge my decisions any longer. 

 

maybe, i'm doin' just fine..just me and God.  

just me and God - i like the sound of that....

 

Say Your Prayers

Dear Lord,

How could I ask for anything more than what You have already given me?

Do as You wish.

Yours,
Colleen

Why Am I (Not) Crying?

It’s amazing the reactions we have to certain events.  Sometimes I have a bigger reaction than what is probably called for, other times I stay even steven under pretty tragic circumstances. 

My brother has cancer.  It hasn’t been diagnosed through a biopsy, that is the next step, but it’s pretty clear.  It is on the lymph nodes in his lungs, both lungs.  The doctors won’t give a prognosis, or entertain any treatment options, until the biopsy is complete.  I found this out yesterday while I was at work.  I haven’t cried or anything.  It’s weird.  It’s like I’m in this focused business mode or something.  I feel a bit relieved knowing what we’re looking at…the waiting was eating away at me.  We can now look at each other, hold on, and move forward with the next step.  It is what it is, and we’re all choosing to take it in stride and move forward.  My brother has been my buddy since I was born.  We had some years in there where he was off the map and I had to move on with my life, but now he needs us, all of us, and we all realize how much he means to us.  I hate that it sometimes takes something like this to remind everyone what’s important.  We have had some pretty tragic circumstances in my family over the years.  We haven’t always come through it as a strong unit, or figured out how to really be there for each other, but we did the best we could.  This might turn out to be the best and worst thing that’s ever happened to us.    

My brother-in-law (my older sister’s husband) has been diagnosed with heart failure.  They have three kids.  The oldest turns thirteen this week.  It’s strange, because my brother is up and walking around and feeling okay most of the time.  He has been struggling with heart issues for the past year, but a diagnosis of heart failure was a shock, to say the least.  I found this out on Friday, via text message.  My family and I have to really get better at this communication thing.  They are, naturally, seeking out a second opinion, because it all doesn’t really match up.  Again, we’re taking things in stride, and getting through one step at a time.  I talked to my older sister on the phone last night to get more information and let her know exactly what is going on with Jeff, our brother.  That’s the longest conversation her and I have probably had in five years.  It brought about mixed feelings after we talked.  I didn’t cry or anything again, though.  I’ve always had this little sister syndrome where I just really want her to like me, and I’m not sure she ever has.  I realize now that I just need to be myself and be there for her the way I would with anyone else…no strings attached.

I stopped by two different houses last night in my quest to find a new place to live.  I was nervous, for the first time, about jumping out there on my own.  I’ve never been nervous about that in my life.  Okay, I’ve always been nervous about that, but I’ve never let it deter me.  Lately, I’ve been feeling deterred.  But, I know I want to live in this city and make it work.  They both had some cool people living there, and had good and bad about them, as is expected.  The second one looks very promising, for a number of reasons.  I skipped down the sidewalk and got into my car after the second house, and suddenly the reality hit me of what this means, and I began to cry.  I realized that it’s real.  I’m really moving out of Jay’s house.  Talking about it is one thing, but physically carrying your stuff out the door and giving back the key is another.  He is moving on, which is exactly what I hoped and prayed for.  We still love each other very much.  I have a great deal of respect for him, and couldn’t say a bad thing about him.  It just wasn’t a match.  I saw it before he did, and just made the first move to rectify it.  I have learned a ton about relationships, and myself in relationships, because of him.  You know, I wish love were enough.  I wish two great people meeting and liking each other was enough.  There is so much more involved than that, and I know that now.  He is still broken hearted, but he is also having fun and going out on dates, and has actually met a pretty fantastic girl.  I am considering doing the same (going out on dates, that is), have attempted it, but I’m not quite there yet.  I became more emotional about this last night than anything else.  I’m sure it was everything mixed together that put be in a vulnerable state, but it was just strange to have such a strong reaction to one and not the others. 

I realize now why my reactions were so different.  I am choosing to move.  I did not choose for my brother to have cancer.  I did not choose for my brother-in-law to have heart problems.  I did not choose this relationship, or lack thereof, with my sister.  I am choosing to leave a relationship with a great man and move into a different house.  Last night, I just wanted to run into the house and tell him I’ve changed my mind about everything.  I know that wouldn’t be right.  I know what we are doing now is right.  I know I have to move out, even though I absolutely love living in his house.  I feel safe there.  Unfortunately, I feel so safe that I have become stagnant.  I know, deep down, this is the only way we can truly move on and ‘move up’.

God is going to work through all this for the betterment of me and my family.  It is with that confidence that I continue to put one foot in front of the other, look up when the going gets rough (or I just want to say thank you or have a chat with the Big Guy), and smile.  Okay, so today the smile is not happening so much.  I will allow myself the luxury of not forcing a smile.  Forced smiles are so…bleh.  It’s like your face doesn’t match because your eyes are saying one thing and your mouth is saying another.  My eyes already don’t match (thank you God for two different eyes…hilarious), so I don’t need to add any more awkwardness to my face.  People ask me how I’m doing, more as a greeting than having any understanding of what’s going on in my world right now, and I say ‘You know, right now, not so great, but in a few minutes I’ll be better, and maybe I’ll have another sad moment later today, and then I will feel better again.  Thank you for asking.’  I see their reaction and realize they appreciate the honest answer, and usually nod and smile, a real smile.  I appreciate a real smile right now.  A hug wouldn’t be so bad, either.  I tend to stay away from hugs.  They tend to bring out that emotional part of me when I least expect it.  I think I would be okay with that right now. 

         

Movin' on up...

It is amazing how much I am affected by circumstances that surround me, and/or how people respond to me (or don’t respond to me, depending).  I would like to think that I am more independent than that, or at least not so easily influenced.  I know that I am easily influenced.  I can be talked into pretty much anything.  I am open-minded and spontaneous, so I figure, why not?  I’ll try it, especially if it is something new (whether an idea or action), or it will bring someone joy, or make people laugh (or it’s fighting the power…fight the power!)  How people respond to me, and what is happening to me in any given season (or day) of my life, directly reflect on how I feel about myself and my life.

I am driven by emotions.  I will fall silent in a meeting if I feel like I am not being heard (when I say heard, what I really mean is respected and taken seriously).  I take it personal, and I grind my teeth.  You can physically see my eyes cloud over, and I want you to see it, in that moment.  Truth:  What happens in meetings is not personal, and if it is, that is the person’s problem who is being unprofessional enough to make it personal.  The only thing I can come up with that would possibly cause such immature behavior in yours truly is…pride. 

I want everything to be fair.  I get physically angry if I feel something is unfair.  It can be incredibly obnoxious at times.  It can also serve people who cannot defend themselves, and bring about positive change.  I wish I could say it is in that instance where this shows up the most.  I wish.  I’m not sure I want to squash this entirely in myself, but I would like to control it to some degree, so it can rear its monstrous brevity at more appropriate times (like, maybe not when someone wins something I feel they don’t deserve….who am I to judge who deserves what?)  The obnoxious, unnecessary anger often leaves me tired and, eventually, defeated.  How can that possibly serve me or anyone else in a positive way?

I am a fighter.  I have always been a fighter.  However, I am also a coward, and have always been a coward.  These two do not mix.  I tend to confuse the emotions which drive each.  I tend to fight when I should sit down and be quiet, and I tend to sit down and be quiet when I should speak up.  It’s horrible.  I figure it out eventually (good ol’ hindsight), and rake myself over the coals for it entirely too often.  Both can be good, and both can serve the common good (not so much cowardice as wisdom, which is often mistaken for cowardice).  Enter Serenity Prayer here.

Truth is…I knew all of these things about myself in my 20’s.  As they became more apparent, I actually became more stubborn about them, exacerbating my reactions to otherwise simple events.  I know the fact that I was going through (undiagnosed) menopause can work in my favor as a formidable excuse.  I can be a little gentler with myself about that season of life, now having a better understanding of just how much craziness comes along with menopause.  God gave me all these 'funny little things about me' for a reason.  Now, in my 30’s (did I mention how much I love my 30’s?), I realize it is in my power to figure out a way to hone these ‘less admirable attributes’ into ‘awesome skills’ for the marketplace, professional world, and life in general.  The one thing you begin to realize is, there is no way you can do it alone.  I think we all have this fear of exposing ourselves to other people (figuratively speaking, of course.  Well, I think many people are afraid of naked, too…naked is…naked.  Leave it alone.  It’s awesome.)  We think we’re going to become vulnerable, and leave ourselves more open to be judged, or worse, rejected.  The truth is, though, people already see these things in us.  Chances are, none of my friends would be surprised if I went up to them and said, ‘You know, I think I take things personal too much.’  They would probably become immediately fearful in how to respond to the statement….wondering if I actually desire an honest response, or if I’m just seeking slightly erroneous affirmation.  I’m not sure I would disappoint them.  Chances are I would take whatever they said in response very personal.  Nobody can win responding to a statement like that…except if you’re me.  I will tell you the truth (or at least my truth, the truth I see and know).  I’ll try to say it in a way that allows you to see the positive side of it, but I will still tell you what I see, and how I feel about it, if you ask.  That is one thing I have never regretted changing about me…no matter how anyone has responded.  The truth does set you free.  It’s nice that people pretty much know that’s exactly what you’ll get if you come to me with something.  I’m not always right.  I don’t always know what I’m talking about.  I will listen, though, and usually just repeat back to you what you said to me in a different way so that you can hear what you need to from the very person you need to hear it from…yourself.  I expect the same thing from others.  I’m not sure I have always made it very easy for people to respond to me in the same way.  I yearned for it, but would make you sorry for it.  I have improved vastly on this account, but still have a long way to go.

I see it.  I see all of these ‘attributes’ in my life.  It’s time to stop countless bouts of self-degradation for moments already passed.  It’s like Ric says (and now I also say) when directing a show, ‘Recognize your mistake, take it out, and don’t replace it with a new one’.  The audience doesn’t know the blocking, or choreography, or the lines.  Concentrating on a mistake only leaves room to make another one.  Recognize it, acquire feedback, gain perspective that’s different from yours, allow room for forgiveness on all levels, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS, and, for Pete’s sake, move up.  Moving up is so much better than moving on.  Moving on sometimes means we just move over.  Moving up means we have taken something from the experience and brought it with us, so we can be better the next time around.  Nobody knows your blocking, choreography, or lines.  Dance away, my little darlings.  If someone has something to say about it, take it in if there’s a lesson to be learned, thank them, shake your booty, and smile.