Final Curtain Call

Today is my last show at SVSU. I say, "Amen". My mom cannot make it to the show. I haven't heard from her at all. No phone call...nothing. I know it's because she feels bad, but is that really the way to handle it? Bless her heart, she's never been the best at handling these kind of situations. My brother and sister are coming today, but they cannot be here until intermission. I told them it's no big deal, and it really isn't, it's a 3 hour show and I'm barely in it. They will be here for my final curtain call, and that's all I really care about with this show. Watching everyone at the meet and greet with their families, I realize I don't have a relationship with any aunts and uncles, or other distant relatives. We don't have any 'friends of the family', and my grandma, whom I talk to once every few months, lives in Colorado near my father who wants nothing to do with me. I have a big sister who also wants nothing to do with me, who has three amazing kids, but lives in Iowa. Every once in a while I get down about it, especially when I see everyone else with gobs of people at every show. But, seriously, then I get over it and realize I am extremely lucky to have the people in my life who want to be part of it, and I need to get over myself anyway and just go on living for God, not for others. It didn't end like I thought it would, my journey here at SVSU, and it's not even really over. It's hard to watch everyone that's graduating get ready to truly be done. I have $20 in my bank account, and I think my job might end next week because I cannot afford to sign up for spring classes. I need to finish my senior project and take one communications course to graduate. I haven't had time to really figure any of this out, because I'm just trying to figure out what's right in front of me. I want the Tony Awards to be fun for everyone, and still manage to make it fun for me, and I want to finish strong in my classes, plus fare well in the last scene I will ever be in for someone else's final grade. I want the benefit for the house to succeed, and to put out a relatively decent newsletter. I want to get in shape for my high school reunion in July, and have some sort of plan in place so I can tell people I'm actually doing something with my life. But, who cares about that last one really? I just...I'm so sick of people asking me what I'm going to do...what my plans are...I'm so sick of the look on their faces when I tell them I can't afford school and am confused about my plans...when I'm just trying to find a way to finish. I would love to just concentrate on getting through the next two weeks, but it looks like I will need to find a job before that time is up...preferably in the next week. Aaauuughhhhhhhh! I'm really behind on house stuff and I'm not really sure how to catch up, or make up for my lack of attention the past couple of weeks. There will be no newsletter until after the benefit, but I need to send out a flier for the benefit, however, I'm still in need of something to fill more time during the show, I think. I don't even know what's going on with it, to tell you the truth. I went in to see the people who own the venue where we are supposed to be having it, and I got the brush off again, with a promise that they will call me...no call. I have been in to see them, or have called them about 15 times in the last two weeks. I really can't concentrate on this benefit until my finals are done, but I have to if we want it to succeed. I wish we would not have planned one for May, but it's too late now, the ball is rolling. A woman came back into town who used to live in the house, and she was ready to jump on board and help out. Unfortunately, the poor girl, her father was in a car accident and passed away last week. The funeral was on Saturday. It's been a few months since I've been to a funeral where you can just feel everyone's heart breaking in the room during the service. It was excruciating, and enlightening at the same time. I love and hate funerals. It was great to see some old friends of the house again. I miss all of them...the house just isn't the same without them. It's a shame that that whole group no longer comes around...mostly because of one person. My mind and my heart are all a jumble right now. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I didn't have my relationship with God. Most of the time I feel like it is just Him and me. Maybe I just need a good cry and then I need to just get over myself. For now, I will memorize my lines for the scene, show up for my final performance, help tear down the set, study for my exam tomorrow, go home and attempt to make a flier, and continue to put one foot in front of the other until it's time for bed. Then I will wake up and put one foot in front of the other again, appreciating every God-given moment I can...knowing He's working it all out for His glory and walking beside me.

short term.

all i wanna do is run. usually that means i'm almost finished with something, but not quite there. i sometimes wonder if i'm a procrastinater because there is no pressure involved to succeed that way. if i can tell everyone i did something at the last minute, then nobody expects anything great, right? sometimes, though, i have to just wait until it appears in my head, whatever it is that's due. i've been known to do my best work when i was supposed to be working on something else. i am a coward. yet, sometimes i have been known to be the strongest person i have ever met. when met with adversity, i rise. when the going is breezy, i get tossed by the wind pretty easily. i do not have enough money to pay for my last couple of classes. i find myself a bit relieved deep down. what a great excuse not to finish, right? nobody expects money to appear out of nowhere. i'm not afraid of finishing. i'm not afraid of not finishing. i always wonder, so what? if i get out of school when i am three credits away from finishing, so what? if i finish and move on, so what? if i become famous, so what? if i move to africa and the world forgets about me, so what? so what? i've always been very good at living in the moment. that usually means i don't make very many plans. i am okay with that, for the most part. every once in a while it would be nice to take a small trip, see old friends, or have enough money to help my family...things that usually take planning. those things are never incentive for me to stick with anything for the long haul, though. i wish there were a job out there where i could go into a place, company, non-profit, church, etc. that needed a face lift, and i would come in and organize and motivate and get the place on its feet...then i would leave after putting people in place to continue the upward climb, and i would continue on to the next adventure. i don't like seeing the same people every day. i've always thrived when meeting a new group, whatever the circumstances. that's why i can't picture marriage working out for me. it wouldn't take long for my vegabond heart to grow restless. i am so thankful i cannot run away from God...and that God isn't boring. i am a short term girl.

i believe in miracles.

I have no desire to see anybody I know today. Isn't that weird? I don't mind strangers. In fact, I have caught myself being even more friendly than usual. I am in love with people, in general, today. I was told once that your present focus determines your present feelings. I have found that if I'm not focused 100% on God...staring straight at Him and nothing else, it all feels a bit muddled. When my heart looks fully on Him, everything calms to a whisper, and my heart beats a melody of peace through my veins. Honestly, it is the only thing that makes me feel truly at home. I didn't go to the hospital today. Maybe I should have, but I don't think it was necessary. There are just days where my heart feels heavy, and my feet won't move. I don't think the hospital has anything for a heavy heart and lead feet. My throat is unusually swollen, and my temperature has been fluctuating all day, but I know my tonsils are unusually large, and I'm probably having hot flashes. I didn't go to the hospital today. I went to the movies. I can't believe I'm outing myself, but I'm tired of making excuses. Making excuses all the time grows tiresome.

It's Almost 5am...

and I, ladies and gentlemen, am wide awake.