this love, this hate

Hollywood Undead - This Love, This Hate


You know what I love and hate about theatre?


You can never be fully in control of it.  Whether you are an actor, director, whatever, someone else will dictate part of the show.  Everybody wants to be in control, but nobody can do it alone.  As an actor you need to succumb to the director's vision, and as a director you realize the actor's will only do what they choose to do, and can never really fully do what you see.  As a lighting designer, set builder, stage manager, producer, costume designer, whatever, you are never fully in control.  The audience always has some power in this, too.  What a strange equation.  It's fascinating.

I would like some chocolate....

and a glass of wine....and maybe a secret admirer.

So...my doctor gave me a prescription a few days ago...and I have found myself sitting down and watching three entire hallmark movies, at midnight, 3 in the morning, 9 am on a Saturday...enraptured...ever since.

I think my doctor and I need to have a talk.

More than anything....

I desire to be good.  More than being loved, appreciated, successful, healthy, or fortunate...I desire to be good.  Some people who know me quite well might find humor in this desire of mine simply because I have been known to be a bit of a rule bender...or demolisher, as the case may be.  I'm not really sure why I am that way, to be honest.  It feels like it comes from somewhere deep, and happens before I have time to really think a situation through.  I know that our flesh does not always give room for choosing to be good all the time.  I do not desire to use that as an excuse as to why I am not always good.  I can't help but feel that God can use these tendencies I have to rebel, ask questions, and fight for the greater good for His purpose.  Is there a greater good?  Is there something bigger than just being good?  Living a life of excellence sounds better than being good.  Being good makes me think of someone who always follows the rules.  What if the rules suck?  What if the rules tell you to do something that inside of you says is actually not good at all?  What if striving for excellence calls you to face the majority head on and say 'there must be a different answer'?

I do not desire to behave, but I do desire to be good.