"I See Skies of Blue...Clouds of White..."

I am just at home this morning, finally!  I was folding some laundry, and attempting to sort and tuck away some of the boxes still stacked in my room, when I looked at my computer and said 'Sit down and write a stinkin' blog update'.  So, here I am.  The sun is shining through my amazing wall of windows, Pandora is playing a Dance Cardio mix, the fan is blowing on me, and I'm sitting on my real bed that I finally retrieved from my mom's.  The weather is perfect, a balmy 80 degrees.  My plans today consist of attending my roommate, Adam's, ice hockey game with another roommate, Doug, and then taking Doug to the airport, going to rehearsal (yay!) and then heading to the lake house to end the night cuddled up on the couch with Bill.  Best day ever!!!

I can't lie, life is so good right now it's almost making me anxious, but just when I feel myself even growing a little anxious about it, I remind myself that it's okay that life is good right now, and I should just smile and enjoy it.  It's a little overwhelming that it's all coming together all at once, though.  It's kind of like my sister's experience on the trail.  They really need to sit and enjoy the rests, and the kindness and generosity from others, and the refreshment, because it's not always going to be like that.  The good helps you get through the tough, you know?  I remind myself that there are peaks and valleys, and it's okay to relish in the peaks, and also appreciate the valleys.  I appreciate life so much right now, it's overwhelming.  I am so blessed, and so.....happy.  I know there are sad people in the world, and people who have so much less than me, and I think about people like that all throughout the day.  I choose to do what I can with what I have, and realize I can't control others and/or how they choose to feel.  I can only do the best I can, give within my means, recognize the blessings in my own life, and be thankful.

I have played this little game recently that requires me to say yes when anyone offers anything to me, whether help, or resources, to be part of something I'm doing, or even just assistance carrying something or opening a door.  I've been doing it for about a month, and it's changing my life.  Seriously.  It's amazing how often I have refused others' help in the past.  It's amazing how blessed all parties can feel if you just relent and allow someone to help.  

A few weeks ago, I had one of the best visits with my mom and my nephew.  I just hung out with my nephew and had a nice conversation with my mom.  It was great!  She was listening to me, and I was listening to her.  I just really looked at her and realized how hard life has been on her.  She is still my mom, though, and still has that twinkle in her eye, you know?  I love her for it, and hope she continues to be true to herself.  I want to celebrate her.  I want to let her rest, and stop being so hard on her.  I want to stop expecting her to be everything to me, and just let her be.  I want to to do that with everyone in my life.  I think that's where this happiness is coming from.  I gave up acceptance.  I don't need others to validate me for me to feel whole.  I've stopped expecting so much from everyone, and just enjoy listening and getting to truly know everyone.  It's amazing how pleasantly surprised I've become at every turn.  I'm so lucky!

Bill has become another surprise.  I have known him for 14 years, and it's like I'm seeing him for the first time.  It's like suddenly I can't wait to introduce him to....EVERYONE!!  He is the best man I know, I mean truly good to the core, and the hardest worker I have ever come across, and he wants to be with ME!!!  :)  He is romantic, strong, well respected, and good.  It's weird.  I don't know when this change came about, very recently, no doubt.  Part of me starts to feel almost guilty about it.  I mean, as little as a month ago I thought my heart belonged to someone else.  How could that change so suddenly?  Is that even possible?  The best part, it's all very subtle, very quiet.  It's growing in a slow, steady way.  It's not this leaping for joy love that explodes out of me.  Bill makes me....calm.  I'm still silly, and energetic, but deep down, where it counts, my heart is...calm.  There is a song from a Broadway play called "It's a Quiet Thing".  It's about love being quiet and lasting, not some clang of bells, or fireworks that we grow up hearing about.  It doesn't even feel real that I'm typing this right now.  I'm just taking it one moment, one day, one week at a time.  No more analyzing!  Feeling blessed that such a good man has waited all this time...for me.  Lucky me!!!!!  (He brought me up to see mom on Mother's day and helped me bring back a bed and dresser for my room.  I let him do it all, and just enjoyed every second of it.  It was a great visit.  We just sat and talked with my mom on Sunday before we left.  It just seemed so right for those two to finally meet.  It was all so...right.)

I had my play with the kids at work on Friday.  It could not have gone any better!!!!  Seriously, what is happening?  So much joy and goodness.  The kids faces said it all.  We had over 100 people in attendance, and I refused to freak out during the whole process.  We even had an impromptu dance party on stage while people were walking in, before the whole thing got started.  I worked very hard, was blessed with a great team helping me out, and had a blast.  That's what life is all about, right?

My roommate, Stuart just poked his head in and invited me to a fundraiser at a great place.  I'm being responsible and said no.  I need to spend at least one full hour on this crazy room.  I don't get any time during the week due to work and rehearsal.  It's nice that I'm starting to be included with things my roommates are doing.  We all just sat on the porch last night while the sun set, and I had a root beer float.  It was glorious.  Again, I get a funny feeling in my gut that this is all too good, then I immediately tell that funny feeling to go away, and I move on with my awesome day.  

I go to Eastern on Wednesday to take care of some details...like registering for classes!!!  I have been approved for enough loans to take care of the first year, plus some help with living expenses, if I need it.  No matter what, my first year is taken care of!!!!!  :) :) :)  I know once I get there and start working, they will be throwing money at me to continue my work at that school.  I know how good I am, and my potential is endless.  I can't wait for the opportunity to work and learn so much, and help people in the process!!!!!  What a great opportunity I have in front of me.  I don't want to take any of it for granted!!  :)  

Lately, I have felt really connected to my family.  I have reached out and they are reaching back.  I have watched too many of my relatives and friends die unhappy and unhealthy.  I don't know why I wasn't in their lives more, but I wasn't.  I can't change what happened, but I can change what happens now.  I don't have much in the way of family, so there's no reason why I can't stay connected to the family I have with me now.  I think I have always kept everyone at arms length because then it's a bit easier to handle when they leave or pass away.  The truth is, it's not easier, so why not bless those closest to me while I can?

I'm learning so much about love, and life, and the world.  I want to learn more!!!  I'm so appreciative that I have lived long enough to come to this place of enlightenment, you know?  Now, I get to apply it all to my life and see how far I can take it!  I just want to stay grounded, dream big, stay positive and keep this light in my heart, and never stop loving and listening to others.

"...and I think to myself....what a wonderful world...."