Time Management

I was going to look up "The Last Lecture" given by Randy Pausch, but it didn't download correctly, and kept freezing up, so I settled for one he did on time management, instead.  Funny how things happen so we hear and see the things we need to hear and see the most.  If you have time (haha), I mean if you make time, this is a great lecture.  For those who will ignore it, or think it's not worthwhile to watch, I wrote down a lot of the points that seemed to make the most sense for my life right now, or the points that were just...awesome.

The end (not the means) of maximizing time is maximizing fun.

Being successful doesn’t make you manage your time well.  Managing your time well makes you successful.

If you’re going to run with people who are faster than you, you are going to have to find a way to master the skills that you do have.

What will happen if I don’t do this item on my ‘to do’ list?

If you do the right things adequately, that’s much more important than doing the wrong things beautifully.

(Lou Holtz - 100 Things - look it up!)

80% of the revenue is going to come from 20% of your clients.  Where is the value?  Shove the other stuff off the boat.

Good judgment comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgment.  Experience is one of those things you can’t fake.

If you can dream it you can do it.  -Walt Disney

If you refuse to allow yourself to dream it, I know you won’t do it.

Disneyland built in 366 days.  When Walt Disney was asked how they did it in 366 days, he answered ‘we used every one of them’.

Failing to plan is planning to fail.

Plan for the day, the week, the semester.

You can’t change the plan unless you have it.  Refusing to make a plan because you know it will change is just a paralysis of ‘I don’t have any marching orders’.  Have a plan, knowing it will change, but have it so you have the basis to start with.

Do the ugliest thing first.  If you have to eat a frog, don’t spend a lot of time looking at it first.  If you have to eat three of them, don’t eat the smallest one first.

                      Due Soon        Not Due Soon

Important


Not
Important

#1 - Important Due Soon
#4 - Not Important - Not Due Soon
#2 - Not Due Soon - Important
#3 - Due Soon - Not Important

We often mix up #2 and #3

If you get it done in #2, it won’t have a chance to make it to #1

Touch each piece of paper once.  True for e-mail, too.  Your inbox is not your ‘To Do’ list.  You will sleep better if your inbox is empty.

A good filing system is essential (an alphabetical place for papers to go).

Use two monitors (or spaces on your mac).

Need some system for a calendar.  Using up too much of your brain to keep track of a schedule and deadlines.

A speaker phone is the best thing you can buy to eliminate stress.

Recommends standing during business calls to keep them short.  Group your phone calls, and call them right before lunch or the end of the day.  The other person will have something else they would rather be doing, so they will get off the phone quicker.

Rides his bike around the neighborhood and talks on the phone with a headset.

Kleenex and Thank You cards are essential in an office.  Paper recycling bin can save you sometimes, too, and post-it notes.  Pictures of things you should be doing instead are a great reminder of what's important.

Make your office comfortable for you, and optionally comfortable for others so they won’t want to stay long. 

You do not find time, you make it. 

Learn to say ‘no’. 

Find your creative time and defend it ruthlessly.

Find your dead time and schedule the things where you don’t need to be at your best.

Interruptions take 6-9 minutes with a 4-5 minute recovery.  5 interruptions blows a whole hour. 

Turn phone calls into e-mail.  Don’t have the ‘ding’ when an e-mail comes in, schedule time to look at it.  Only look at it during that time.

“I only have 5 minutes”.  If you want to give them more time you can, but you can tell them at 5 minutes that you told them at the beginning that you only had 5 minutes and send them on their way.

Time journals - monitor yourself and update it throughout the day - 15 minute intervals to keep track of where your time is going.  You will be surprised at what you find.

Identify the gaps where you are most likely to waste time.  Gaps in between classes is a great example.  Make a ‘fake class’.  You go into the library, and do not hang out with friends.

What am I doing that doesn’t need to be done?  What can I delegate to someone else?  What can I do more efficiently?  How am I wasting other people’s time? 

You manage your time better at work so you can leave on time and spend time with the people you love and things you enjoy.  “I worked fewer hours when I got married, but got more done”. 

Focus on the things that matter, and letting go of the things that don’t.  (Pregnant woman with a cigarette in her hand complaining about the effect of construction noise on her unborn child.)

It’s not always about efficiency.  Sometimes it’s about effectiveness and best overall outcome.

Doing things at the last minute is really expensive. 

Make up a fake deadline if something is not due for a long time.

Identify why you are not enthusiastic (afraid of failure, needing to ask someone for something, fear of rejection, not understanding the task.)  Sometimes all you have to do is ask.

Do not treat delegation as dumping (giving someone a task you do not have time for or want to do, and then micromanage it).  You grant them authority with responsibility.  Give them the resources and budget, etc. to get it done, the whole package.  Do the ugliest job yourself.  Treat your people well.  Staff and secretaries are your lifeline. 

Give someone a specific thing to do, a specific date and time, and consequences for not getting it done.  Challenge people.  Delegate until they complain (not necessarily complain, but give them ample things to do).  Get it in writing.  Send a short e-mail to follow up and clarify or overview expectations.

Give people objectives not procedures.  Tell them what to do, not how to do it.

Reinforcement.  Praise and thank someone when they do something well.

Take people’s phones in a meeting.  No sense in being in a meeting with people who are half there.  Have an agenda.  One minute minutes - what decisions were made and who has what responsibility - e-mail out to the meeting attendees directly after the meeting.

Only use technology that’s worth it.  Technology has to be something that makes your life better.  Technology can change the work flow, the way you’re doing things, to make it more efficient. 

E-mail - don’t ever delete any of it.  Do not send an e-mail to 5 people asking for something to be done.  Send it to somebody who can do it, with a specific time, and copy their boss on the e-mail (or have some kind of consequence if the task is not completed).  If a person has not responded in 48 hours, it’s okay to send another one.  Chances are after 48 hours, they are not planning on responding.

It’s not a vacation if you’re reading e-mail.

Kill your television.  Average American watches 28 hours of television a week.

Eat, sleep, and exercise.  If you get sleep deprived or stagnate, everything suffers. 

Never break a promise, but renegotiate if need be.  Call ahead of time to explain that you’re struggling and ask for an extension.  No problem if they can’t negotiate.  Stick to the promise.

If you don’t have time to do it right, you don’t have time to do it wrong.

Most things are pass/fail.  It’s okay for some things to be good enough.

Get a planner - Make a to do list in priority order (day, week, month) - Time journal - 30 days from today revisit talk and ask ‘What have I changed?’ 

Time is all we have.  You may find one day you have less than you think. 

One of a Thousand

This just happened to me recently....on the train, too....simply divine.  :)

Aide-mémoire

"I just want to say to everyone like me who chose slightly more complicated paths, the roads less traveled, the ones with lots of roadblocks and long stretches of anguish, I just want to say that the most important thing is to always be moving toward your desire. Just do the things that make you smile and you’ll always end up somewhere. Even if that place is not anywhere you’d imagined you’d be at the start."

This is an excerpt from a blog by my new friend Garance Dore' 

You should get to know her.....

Tuesday, July 26th - Random Thoughts at Camp

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.  I never thought, in a million years, that life could or would ever be this good.  I almost feel guilty writing that...isn’t that silly?  I think my life has had good moments all along, but I never allowed myself to feel happy about them.  I’m not sure when I finally decided to allow myself to feel happy without the guilt.  I think I just realized that no matter how undeserving, or how many other people deserved it more than me, God has chosen to bless me.  Who am I to say ‘no thanks’?  There is always room for improvement, of course.  But, I am happy to be in a place where I can comfortably recognize where improvements can take place and work to make my way towards a better version of myself.  I’m starting to feel comfortable, at times, in my own skin.  I want to know what that feels like all the time.  How does confident feel?

I dress up like a super hero.  It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud to people, or try to explain what I mean.  It is about as ridiculous as it sounds.  I wonder, sometimes, what people must think, and then I forget about it and carry on in my super hero ways.  Every once in a while I almost get embarrassed about what I do.  I look at myself in the mirror when I’m all dressed up, and ready to go on, and I chuckle, because it just seems so ridiculous.  Then, I get up in front of those kids, or I have a one-on-one conversation with them, or I sign something, or get my picture taken with them, and I can tell that they feel...special.  These kids are special, every single one of them.  If I can do something to help them feel that way, or see their worth, then I will do it, no matter how ridiculous others may think it is. 

Opening myself up to dating again, or the possibility of love, has also opened up to me lonely nights that I haven’t experienced in a long time.  It’s like I suddenly am aware of what I might be missing, or could potentially have one day.  I think I finally see falling in love as a potentially good thing.  I remind myself on those nights how full my life is, and I appreciate the time alone, even if I am a little lonely.  If I don’t allow myself to get trapped in my own mind, nights like those can often be the most productive, or end up being the nights where I gain the most perspective.  Some of my loneliest moments in life have been in a crowded room, or lying next to someone, completely un-alone, and totally lonely. 




Blessed!

Worth Re-visiting....

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Don't Break a Heart...Break a Leg

Tonight my heart is racing, not from nervousness or fear, but racing with love and hope, a little sorrow and a great deal of mercy. We had our second audition tonight for "Frankenstein". I can honestly say I gave everything I had, and left anything I had left from the day on that stage tonight. All I wanted was a chance...the opportunity to show people what I could do, the opportunity to show myself what I could do. I was given the opportunity and rose to the occasion. What more can I ask for? After auditions, I had the familiar afterthought, wondering if it just wasn't enough, or wondering if it was too much. The thought was replaced quickly by the realization that everything happens as it should, I truly did my best, and there was nothing more I could do. Suddenly, I also remembered where I live. I live with homeless women. I walk past people every day, either on the street or in the halls, and I feel their pain, their hopelessness. Suddenly, what I was feeling was blessed, not stressed. I had the chance to be on stage tonight and lose myself in a moment, in a character, and come out a better person. I had the chance to feel that fire in my gut, the ache in my chest, the passion come alive and unfold before me, within me. I came home tonight and talked to one of our guests about her housing situation. I was supposed to help her move her few items into a new apartment tomorrow. She has been delayed another week. You could just see the anguish in her face. We will go tomorrow to get a few other things in order. You see, she doesn't have a car, either. I reminded her that she always has a place here, at this house, and that we are happy to have her however long it takes...words didn't seem to be enough tonight, but tomorrow is a new day, and she never stays down for long. She then told me that the other house guest we have went into the hospital tonight. She is 7 months along, and her baby has downs syndrome. She moved in with us to be closer to the hospital, and it's a good thing she did, the baby has fluid around his heart. If it is as bad as they think, she could have an emergency C-section tomorrow...so we will drop in to see her just in case. Then, I am off to a baby shower for my friend Melissa. Melissa was on bed rest for two months or so because there was a tear in her uterus, and the doctor's were worried about her safety. Abigail was born early and stayed in the NICU for a while. She is now almost two months old, and healthy, and mom is doing fine. Tomorrow I get to see Abigail for the first time. We are going to have one heck of a celebration! In the middle of all of this, I will stop by SVSU and check to see if my name is on the cast list. It seems trivial compared to all that is taking place tomorrow...but I know it is just as important, for it will determine my next move. If my name is not on the list, I know that my time and energy is needed elsewhere. If my name is on the list, I will work very hard to honor those who gave it their all tonight, and bring everything I have and everything I am to each rehearsal, making the most of the opportunity presented to me. I think deep down I know the answer, and I humbly say "well done" to all who are chosen. As I lay my head on my pillow tonight, my thoughts will turn to my brother, as they do each night. I picture him on a cot in a cell, and wonder if his blanket is warm enough. Nobody is beyond hope, nobody is beyond redemption. Nobody is so far gone that God can't reach them. Nobody. With that, I whisper a prayer of thanksgiving for God bringing me to a new place tonight, and a prayer of hope for everyone who is laying in bed, or sitting on a barstool, or curled up in a corner, or driving down the highway, clouded by fear and despair. I pray that the Son may begin to peek through the clouds as you get through one day at a time. 

*Happy to report that little Abigail is a rambunctious kid who is healthy and strong...and mom and dad have had another healthy child, a son Miles, to add to their beautiful family.  My brother is working in Midland and doing very well, and both women from the Jeanine House are in their own apartments and doing fine.  The woman had an adorable baby, who was born premature, but doing very well now.  Wow - so many happy endings!  God is good.....

Betcha Can't Eat Just One...

Friday, May 27th

I can’t think of a better way to spend a Friday night than camping out at Chad’s house.

I had dinner tonight with four extraordinary men, and one adorable baby.  I know, sounds like a Ted Danson movie, but it really was fabulous.  Our conversation went round and round, and it felt like I have been part of this little group all along.  I adore all of them.  I often adore the people I meet along the way.  I am friends with a ton of pretty stellar people, so, naturally, it makes sense that their friends also tend to be stellar people. 

How do I meet such amazing individuals?  And, why do they want to be part of my life?  You have to be open, I suppose.  I think open is definitely one way to describe me.  I can think of many other more suitable words, but that would be getting off track.

I am always inspired after spending time with Chad...inspired and exhausted thinking about all of the things I know I am capable of accomplishing. 

I feel like I could change Saginaw.  Let me rephrase that: I feel like I have the energy, ideas, and could find the wherewithal to lead the team that would ultimately start the ball rolling towards a viable future for Saginaw.  It makes me tired to think about it, and also extremely excited, because I know how much work it will take to get and keep things moving forward. 

I feel like I could eventually be president of the national organization American Alliance for Theatre and Education.  I know what direction I would take the conference, and the organization as a whole.

I feel like I could make connections and take SASA Theatre to a level it has never seen before.  I have come to enjoy teaching a great deal.

I feel like I could start my own performing arts center.

I feel like I could audition and make it into a reputable Masters program, maybe even one overseas.

I feel like health, wellness, and motivation could become more than just a lifestyle, but an actual career path.   

How do you know which dream to follow?  Becoming a better teacher is where I chose to focus my energy this year, and I am so pleased to see the result.  I am happy.  I am never happy for long just plugging into one thing, though.  However, it seems to work well to be able to focus your energy into one area.  Teaching theatre is so broad.  There are so many elements involved.  Simply establishing, organizing, and maintaining spaces for costumes, props, lumber, tools, sound equipment, etc. is a daunting and ongoing task in and of itself, and makes up roughly 5% of my job.   

Recently, my social life has become a priority.  I am surprised to see what direction that has taken me so quickly.  I am happy to say things are moving along nicely.  However, it takes up some time I could be spending on the aforementioned dreams.  Now that I am sitting here thinking about all of the things I want to do, I can’t help but wonder if the social life thing is really all that important.  Was it just a phase and now it’s time to get back to work?  Is there a way to balance both?  Where does family time fit in with all of this?  Seems what I am really after is some semblance of balance.  But I want to see, and do, and know everything! 

Every time I go to Lansing, or Grand Rapids, or Detroit, I feel called to take action in my own community and start making things happen.  Every time I see a great performance, or begin brainstorming with the performing arts teachers, I feel inspired to work collaboratively and make things happen for my students and my school.  Every time I workshop a monologue, or read a great script with an abstruse and/or esoteric character, I feel that pull (that seems to come from somewhere within my bones) to sink my teeth into that role and act again.  Every time I am driving home from an amazing weekend with new or old friends, I am reminded how important it is to take breaks, invest in others, and enjoy those moments.  Every time I am with my family I am reminded how much I love them, and how important they really are to me.  I hate that my family just gets my leftover time and energy sometimes.  They deserve more.  Every time I go to church I am reminded what it’s really all about, and it makes me want to get more involved with a small group, or volunteering with the youth, or to consider the mission field, or work on a couple of service projects. 

No matter where I happen to be, I always want to go all in.  You can’t go all in on one thing...it’s impossible.  If you tell me something is impossible, though, I will go to extreme lengths to show myself the fallacy of the statement.

Go big or go home, right?  Or is there something in between that is just as divine? 

The White Rabbit Was Right

My whole life I have always been late.  Late bloomer, late for appointments, even late to mature...socially.  Just....late.

With God, however, timing is everything.  It’s all happening just as it should, in it’s own time. 

I am not late.  I am right where God wants me to be.  Or, maybe, I am not where God wants me to be, but He’s going to use me in this time, in this place, in spite of my eternal tardiness.  You want to hear something strange?  I never thought I would live to see 30.  Maybe I’m just late on that one, too. 

I once was late for an appointment with a friend, who was my boss at the time.  When I arrived exasperated and huffing and puffing to show him I “sure tried real hard to hurry” but was late anyway, he said something really interesting that stuck with me forever.  He simply said, “You know, when you’re late, Colleen, it makes the person waiting feel like you felt there was something more important than them.”  I wish I could say I haven’t been late since.  I can say however, that I am usually the person left waiting now, and I always repeat the quote to the latecomer who is often huffing and puffing and making excuses when they arrive.

Distractions annoy me.  (Funny statement to write, as it has absolutely nothing to do with the previous paragraph...see...annoying:)  Distractions can be annoying...especially if it’s somebody on their phone or computer while they are hanging out with you.  I think being on your phone, texting, or being on your computer makes the people you’re with feel like there is someplace else you would rather be.  If there is someplace else you would rather be, my friends all know, I would rather you be there than feeling like you’re stuck with me.  I never want anyone to talk to me or hang out with me out of a sense of obligation.  Gross.  Go, be happy doing what you want to do.  I want you to be happy.  So, you are not doing me any favors by hanging out with me or talking to me trying to make me happy.  I know how to be happy all by myself.  I want you to know how to be happy all by yourself, too. 

I used to be distracted all the time when I would hang out with other people.  Back then it wasn’t so much about phones or laptops...you were lucky if you knew a handful of people who owned them, but more about waiting for something better to come along.  I would always keep myself open in case something more engaging cropped up.  I think that’s where my affinity towards a lack of making plans began.  I realized I was never fully engaged in any one moment.  That gets tiring after a while.  Plus, it doesn’t make you happy.  You can never be quite fully satisfied that way.  I’m not sure when things changed for me in this regard.  I think it might have been accidentally letting go of a little of the control and realizing how enjoyable that could be.  Maybe it was some significant event (although not quite significant enough to recall at the moment) that made me desire to live in the moment and cherish the people close to me in that time, in that place.  Whatever it was, I’m grateful for it.  I now fully engage in almost every moment I’m in, especially if it involves people who are dear to me; and I have a lot of amazing people who are very dear to me.  Perhaps this appreciation came when I stopped being able to see my friends and family so regularly.  I’m not sure.  All I know is I find joy now in every moment, and appreciate exactly where I am, and who I am with, as it is happening.  I am fully present.  I think that is one of the best feelings in the world.  That is joy.        

Water Night

Water Night by Eric Whitacre 

Night with the eyes of a horse that trembles in the night,
Night with eyes of water in the field asleep
Is in your eyes, a horse that trembles is in
Your eyes of secret water.

Eyes of shadow-water,
Eyes of well-water,
Eyes of dream-water.

Silence and solitude,
Two little animals moon-led,
Drink in your eyes,
Drink in those waters.

If you open your eyes, night opens doors of musk,
The secret kingdom of the water opens
Flowing from the center of the night.

And if you close your eyes,
A river, a silent and beautiful current, fills you from within,
Flows forward, darkens you:

Night brings its wetness to beaches in your soul. 

Original poem by Octavio Paz

AGUA NOCTURNA

 

La noche de ojos de caballo que tiemblan en la noche,
la noche de ojos de agua en el campo dormido,
está en tus ojos de caballo que tiembla,
está en tus ojos de agua secreta.

Ojos de agua de sombra,
ojos de agua de pozo,
ojos de agua de sueño.

El silencio y la soledad,
como dos pequeños animales a quienes guía la luna,
beben en esos ojos,
beben en esas aguas.

Si abres los ojos,
se abre la noche de puertas de musgo,
se abre el reino secreto del agua
que mana del centro de la noche.

Y si los cierras,
un río, una corriente dulce y silenciosa,
te inunda por dentro, avanza, te hace oscura:
la noche moja riberas en tu alma.

 

The List

Buy a real bed (complete with a headboard...and a real mattress, and grown up bedding, and real bedroom furniture....put elements of design to work and make a "big girl" bedroom...with curtains...and stuff on the walls... :)  (September 2011)

At least 3 weeks in Italy (September 2016)

Tigers Game (August 2011)

Audition and be in another show or play a character in a public performance (September 2012)

At least three weeks service work in Africa (August 2014)

Lions Playoff Game (January 2012)

2 Big Venue Concerts (September 2012)

Begin a portfolio complete with work from the last five years (August 2011)

Minimize all the basement crap into 3 tubs...yikes!  (September 2011)

Finally pick a school and begin a certification program, including a schedule for all necessary classes, and an expected completion date...make a plan! (September 2011)

Hire a cleaning lady (October 2011)

Go camping for more than one night! (August 2011)

Pick shows for the next two years, sketch a basic set design and concept for each. (September 2011)

Organize spaces at school (storage, costumes, props, paint corner, backstage, stage manager area, gels/gobos, both light/sound booths, put in work order for storage of cords, mics, lights, etc., open and put away all new lighting and sound equipment) (June 2011)

Memorize and workshop 3 contrasting monologues (September 2011)

Write dad a final letter, offering forgiveness, for everything...one last correspondence with him to get directions for the hike to the lily pond where grandpa's buried.  Rent a motorcycle, ride out to Colorado, and make that hike.  (August 2012)

Pay off all debts excluding student loans (September 2012)

Braces!  (January 2012)

Plan a real vacation, out of state, in advance, with no possibility of cancellation (June 2013)

Start the Adventure Club (October 2011)

Run in a 5K (June 2012)

Learn basic Italian (August 2013)

Take drum lessons (May 2012)

Red Wings Game (April 2012)

Read three novels (October 2011)

Learn to cook one signature dish and totally rock at it (December 2011)

Donate the Jeep :(  (October 2011)

Sometimes I re-read...sometimes I re-post

Originally posted Monday, September 10, 2007:

Everything is Ephemeral

i sit  

my legs curled under me  

bare feet cool on a barely-lit stage 

light pools splash across my back spilling onto the empty chairs  

cross-legged on the apron of the bare bones stage peering out into the crowdless space suddenly i begin to see them take shape 

the subtext of their existence playing out across my heart as they search for the perfect seat and wait for the story to unfold 

the elderly couple walk down the aisle hand in hand 

they select a seat in the front row so she will be able to hear and see everything more clearly her eyes light up as the song and dance commence 

he lightly reaches for her hand hoping to take part in her adventure 

the mom and dad file into the fifth row just left of center  

mom hides her camera from the usher while dad sits wishing he were golfing  

their little angel floats across the stage  

suddenly both come to life exchanging prideful smiles of a shared success  

the college freshman saunters in remembering to remove his ballcap and turn off his phone he chooses a seat near the wall in the back 

as the curtain rises for Act II he leans his head back, closes his eyes, and falls asleep  

she walks in dressed in her theatre best and chooses a seat towards the front  

as she waits for the play to begin she glances longingly at the seat to her left  

her husband would always sit to her left and take her to a late dinner after the show 

the characters come out onto the stage as her tears silently fall onto the program in her lap 

a society man ushers the tall blonde to his reserved seats in the third row 

he shakes the hand of the playhouse owner and introduces his fair maiden  

they then sit and chatter lightly waiting for the play to begin  

smiling warmly at each other when the lights dim each knowing the relationship is as ephemeral as the show they are about to see 

he walks in with his head down as people stare menacingly at his mohawk and chains 

he slides into the aisle seat towards the back wondering why he came  

she steps out onto the stage and begins to sing  

mesmerized, he is transfixed on her beauty and is sure she is singing only to him 

she walks in with a book in her hand stopping at the door and scanning the room 

she notices the boy with the mohawk sitting near the back  

she quietly slips into the seat across the aisle and opens her book  

watching him watching her becomes too unbearable and she quietly slips out the door  

the two girls walk in talking loudly to each other as they make their way to the front  

sitting near the wall in the front row they giggle and tease tossing their hair and scanning the room as they pretend to listen to one another  

they stand and scream and hug their friends as they arrive hoping to get their fifteen minutes before the actors take the stage  

the old man takes his seat in the third row near the wall on the left  

he sits quietly reading the program, adjusting his spectacles as he scans the pages he is reminded of a painting he has hanging in his parlor above the mantel  

the lights dim as he sets down the program and awaits the magic on stage  

he is home  

my thoughts are interrupted by footsteps behind me 

"it's time to go", he says "it's quite late."  

as we turn out the lights and begin to walk out, i look back and see them sitting, waiting for someone to carry them to a place they would rather be

Covered With Scars I Did Nothing To Earn....

A student of mine just directed "The Last Five Years" at SASA.  The show breaks my heart, but it's also really good....kind of like "The Notebook"...haha....the play takes you on a journey through five years of a relationship, marriage, and eventual breakup of a couple...the interesting part is, the girl starts at the end of the journey and works back, and the guy starts where they met and works forward...they eventually meet in the middle, and then continue on their individual paths towards the inevitable good-bye...him saying good-bye for good, and her saying good-bye after their first date....augh...their is a hole in my chest just thinking about it again...

I've never had something like this happen to me, what happens to this couple...not in a romantic sense, anyway...not to this extreme...but something about this rings so true to me, to everyone, I imagine...it's one of those shows where we all take ownership in some way...I think it's my biggest fear staring me in the face...that's why I stayed away from dating for so long...it was just...easier....but I don't want to run anymore...I face my fears every day, I'm known for it...so I must face this one, too....only those who dare to risk can really and truly make peace with themselves, I think....

This is the opening number of the play.  Something about it haunts me, and I'm not entirely sure what it is....maybe if I share it with you...it will stop haunting me... 

CATHERINE
Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie's decided it's time to move on
Jamie has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting

Jamie arrived at the end of the line
Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine
Jamie is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting

What about lies, Jamie?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Jamie
What about you

Jamie is sure something wonderful died
Jamie decides it's his right to decide
Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting

Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right...

Give me a day, Jamie
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I'd see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all

Jamie is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm
Still Hurting

Band of Brotherhoood

I have been lying awake in my bed for almost two hours.  I find myself in such a state of peace, however, being awake does not bother me.  Sometimes these very early mornings are the best part of my day; sitting in the dark, letting my mind have free reign.  Sometimes.

I woke up from a dream, a good dream.  I was in a cathedral, singing in a choir.  We were not singing words, just...sounds.  It was a very large, immaculate cathedral, but one I have never seen before.  I was looking in on myself, from a vantage point somewhere along the wall of the cathedral, circling overhead and then resting where I stood as soon as the choir hit a note that transcends anything I've ever heard.  The overtone was breathtaking, and suddenly I was looking out of my own eyes again.  I woke up.  The note keeps ringing in my head, but not in an intrusive way.  I'm grateful for it.  I am at peace.

In light of very recent events, it seems peace should be the farthest thing from what I feel.  (After another twelve hour day of working hard, you come home and jump online only to find your own job posted, but you were never told about it; and when your heart is at war with your mind, but you can't seem to figure out which one is giving what argument, it all can begin to unravel.)  Those that know me, know that I can hold my own in a choir (after months of practice, gallons of tea, and some strict vocal coaching, of course;), but I am certainly not a singer.  In the dream, however, the voice just came...it was so...easy...as if it were not even coming from me, but through me.  The peace, I know, does not come from me either, and it materializes just as easy.

It was a different time, in my dream.  It wasn't this time, this place.  The congregation was not there for a church service, it was something else.  It wasn't sad, though.  There was a group of young soldiers sitting in the front.  Their uniforms looked older.  I can't quite place the time, but if I had to guess, they looked like soldiers who would have fought in World War II, maybe.  While I was singing, I wanted to share my peace with them.  I wanted them to be part of something beautiful.  I know it all sounds so...not cliche'...but close.  Sometimes the weight of people's loneliness, emptiness, and unhappiness makes me tired.  This was not one of those moments, is not one of those moments.  I want the world to know the peace that I feel.  I do not feel the burden of responsibility that often overwhelms me, but instead, a calm that overtakes me.  It is not my burden to bear.

No one emotion overtakes me, I am simply....halcyon.  I do not feel the need to praise, to weep, to laugh, or to sleep.  I am truly at peace.

  

 

Box Elder: Beerman

I notice when people are alone...at a restaurant, when they're driving, at the bar, the museum, the mall, anywhere.  Sometimes I can make up entire stories about them without knowing a single thing about their lives.  I frequently have to remind myself that the story is all in my head, and I do not really know what their life encompasses.  Sometimes I forget to remind myself, and their often sad tale brings me to a melancholy state, until I can be coaxed back to mediocre jubilance once more.

I can be talked into anything.  That's what a friend said about me recently, in an off-hand comment meant more for entertainment than deleterious effect.  For being as stubborn as I am, I must concede that she was right, is right, even though everything inside of me wanted to dispute the claim.  It's funny, oftentimes the very traits we rail against, or find unnerving in other people, are the traits we, ourselves, struggle to recognize and overcome.  A different friend shared that little nugget of truth with me when I was complaining about someone unrelentingly eight years ago.  I never forgot it, and think about it often.  That same friend challenged me through an entire summer to stop apologizing, start working harder, continue being silly, and take time to figure it out.  I hope he is happy in his life...it looks like he might be, and that makes me smile.  He will never know how much his friendship meant to me at that very dark time in my life.  He respected me, never wanted to be more than friends, never expected more out of me than I was willing or able to give, and showed me what a Godly man can look like in the flesh.  I appreciate him more than he'll ever know.

There is a bug on my ceiling.  I'm not sure I can continue typing until I take care of it.  I type a few words, look up to make sure it's still there (and hasn't somehow catapulted itself into my mess of a mane), and then continue typing when I am convinced it is much happier tooling around the ceiling than to be bothered by the likes of me.  This process will no doubt repeat itself until I am able to reach out and, yes, kill this bug.  Normally, I would be obliged to simply set it free in the natural world, but not these bugs.  You see, these bugs are relentless.  My room has been taken over by these crazy boxelder bugs from a tree just outside my window.  I cannot believe I'm readily admitting this, but there is plastic on my windows, and on the other side, it looks like my room is straight out of Amityville Horror.  Gross.  I know.  Trust me, if I am unable to fix this Amityville encroachment on my living quarters, I am considering moving into my Jeep. :)  Alas, this battle will end, and I will eventually win.

I can feel myself starting to get sleepy; not sleepy as in I want to be asleep, but sleepy as in I might actually be able to close my eyes and drift off shortly.  There is a rather tiny window for me when this opportunity arises.  If I fight it to continue writing, I will have to start this process all over again, and probably get up for the day, instead of trying to drift off to sleep at eight in the morning.  It's spring break, so I am allowed some liberty.  This past week, insomnia has invaded once again, with a vengeance.  It seems I have trailed a miserable distance from my routine.  Yes.  I said routine.  It's amazing what establishing a routine can do for your overall well-being, sleep included.  I have now seen and felt the benefits of it firsthand.  For some reason, it is naturally in me to resist routine.  I do not do it openly, but little by little I find I begin talking myself out of the routine.  Generally, I have to then talk myself back into it.  It's a horrible process which I hope to eradicate soon.

Currently talking myself into shutting down the computer and drifting off to sleep.  Guess that means it's time to go....            

I Am That Girl

I just hopped on to add something to my blog, not sure what to write exactly, and found this draft that I had never actually published from back in April.  It's actually exactly what I needed to hear on this New Year's Eve.  It makes me a little sad to think that nothing has changed since I wrote this...that I still need to hear these words, my words, from so long ago.  Perfect post for today.  Happy New Year!


I forgot my computer cord at school, so I have 15 minutes to write before my computer goes dead.  Good.  I have a tendency to babble anyway, or take waaaay too long to write too few words.

I make excuses.  I do some things that I find myself telling my students not to do.  I don't do some of the things that I tell my students they need or should want to do.  I tell them 'I can't make you do anything.  I can't even make you want to do something.  I can do my best, but I can't make you do yours.  I can hold you accountable for your actions in my classroom, but if you do just enough to get by with a decent grade, or to fly under or just over the radar, I cannot push you one way or the other from there.  Where you go from this moment forward is entirely up to you.'  Maybe I should listen to myself every once in a while.  Well, I do.  Hence me writing this blog.

I make excuses about my time.  I make excuses about my attitude.  I make excuses about my physical health.  Spending a lot of time recently in one of my least favorite places, the hospital, has made me more aware of just how lucky I am to have this able body and sound mind.  I watched a man, a grown man, cry out to nurses because he was confused, and scared, and he just wanted to be able to walk to the bathroom himself.

Nobody can make me appreciate it.  Nobody can make me, or talk me into, utilizing both of those things to their fullest potential.  Nobody is going to hand me the answers, or make life better for me.  The worst thing I can do is nothing.

I have a body that is capable of going the distance.  I have a mind that can create, imagine, draw conclusions, analyze, and problem solve.  I have strength.  I have knowledge.  I have compassion and willpower.  I have people who love me, and I have people to love.  There is always somebody who needs me.  There are so many people who need somebody.  I have a God who has promised me that He will never leave, and I believe Him.  I have faith.  What I do with all of those things is entirely up to me.

I have an amazing job.  I do not believe it is what I am meant to do forever, but I do know it is where I am now.  Instead of agonizing over where I should be, what I should be doing, what I want to accomplish, where I want to go, I will be present...here.  If I can't, or won't, do everything with what I've got, why in the world should I expect anything more?  The conferences with parents and students tonight showed me why I am here.  Some of these kids are at a critical point...a turning point where a decision will be made what direction they go from here.  It is in their hands, it is up to them, and there is no way to rise up from here and be successful unless they work.  How can I ask them to do it, how can I teach them to do it, how can I show them how to do it if I don't do it?  I work hard.  I work too hard at some things, and not hard enough on a lot of the important things.  I want these children to be successful.  I want these kids to believe that they can be successful.  If I keep looking so hard at myself I am going to begin to lose sight of everyone else.  Little opportunities come up every day to bless a ton of people.  Nobody can make me do it.  Nobody can make me want to do it, and there is no way for me to rise up from here unless I work.    

WHEN WILL YOU REALIZE, VIENNA WAITS FOR YOU.

I am standing in my kitchen chopping fruit and veggies (not together, of course), and listening to select Billy Joel tunes on vinyl.  As “Vienna”, “Scenes From An Italian Restaurant”, “She’s Always A Woman”, and “Everybody Has A Dream” make their way to the kitchen, my mind finds a free moment to wander.  It’s nice, standing, chopping, listening, thinking.  Hopefully, if my mind has permission to run free now, it will allow me to stay focused when I sit down to get some plans hashed out for the weeks ahead.  My demeanor is calm, and my disposition is sunny.  Consequently, I hope the tupperware filled with various fruit and veggies is the beginning of a trail of good choices for the week.

So far so good with the new goals...or, actually establishing tangible goals.  I am succeeding in going against what I want to do and trying new things that I probably need to do to remain successful both in my personal and professional life.  I like how I list those two things as if they are separate....but they need to be, to some extent, in order to truly feel fulfilled....for me, at least.  You would think it is simply a case of mind over matter, but for me, it seems to be more a case of matter over mind...get up and do it before you have time to think it over.  It is not a matter of what I feel like doing, but more a matter of what I want to feel like, and doing the things that I know will get me there. 

Some thoughts that crossed my mind in the 40 minutes of washing, chopping, and distributing:  

~I have never been in love.  It didn’t make me sad to think of this thought.  It was truth and I like truth, no matter how painful, or trivial, or comforting it may seem at first.  I think falling in love is something you have to do on purpose, and I am not so sure that I have opened myself up to even allow the possibility.  It’s okay with me, for now.  I can’t help but wonder if I will hold out so long that my heart will eventually take over at the worst time and I will be left to wander, searching for something I think I have missed.  So, I will be open.  I will not prioritize it as of yet, but I will be open, even if it is just to save myself from what I would misconstrue as breaking free.

~”Everybody Has A Dream” sounds like Mike Brush singing, and sounds like the kind of song he would write.  A duet with Mike Brush and Billy Joel would be awesome.

~I need moments like this, chopping, listening, thinking.  There is always something to accomplish or finish.  In order to not become completely unhinged and need more than a few days to be alone and regroup, I need to stop, breathe, and listen.  I have found a secret today.  I can accomplish something even during those little breaks.  Preparing something that can only serve to help me through the week has also served to help me unwind.  It seems simple, but I am just figuring it out.  Perhaps something like this would not have served me the same purpose at a different season of my life.  Perhaps it would have.  I can’t even guess, so regret is useless in this regard.  I am who I am, I did what I did, it is what it is....if you can’t change it, why give it any more time or thought?  Learn your lessons and move on.  If you keep repeating negative behavior after you have come to certain conclusions about them, then there is obviously something deeper going on.  I certainly hope people are not afraid to dig deep.  I realize I need it to continue growing.  Moments like these allow me to grow.  I consider them crucial now.

~Before I started chopping, I read snippets of “The Vertical Hour”, a script by David Hare.  I desire to read through it entirely, and sit down with it for some time.  At first, I was afraid I was wasting time when reading scripts, or anything, for personal fulfillment.  I mean, I have scripts to find that can actually be used in the classroom or for a high school play, lessons to prepare, grades to put in, a set to build, technical theatre to learn, blocking to figure out, copies to make, e-mails to read and answer, supplies to organize and put away, things to reconfigure, etc.  So many times as teachers I think we forget to keep learning, for us...our benefit.  We’re so busy teaching, we forget to keep pursuing our own personal goals that have nothing to do with our career.  It was easy for me to say I was growing because everything I teach has something to do with something I love, theatre.  Instead, I should see it as, if I am personally progressing my own journey through theatre, it could only benefit my students.  The two become muddy because the content of study is sometimes the same.  I should find moments to memorize and workshop monologues, for me.  I should get physically fit, and adopt a healthier lifestyle, for me.  I should understand my limitations and not compromise that boundary, ever, for me.  If I do these things, it will naturally benefit the students I see every day.  I cannot choose to do those things for that reason, though, it must be for me.  That is the only way it will truly be fulfilling and make a difference.  It is muddy.  Sometimes I will just have to sit down and do something, defining it specifically as something for personal fulfillment.  I wouldn’t have to do that with every single thing, of course...I can still play in the mud.

Many other thoughts flowed through my mind as I stood in my kitchen.  My mind segues from one thought to another in such a strange chain of events and string of thoughts.  These were the big realizations that actually ended with some sort of conclusion or almost made it through the entire thought process.  

I am going for a walk on this beautiful evening, before I have time to realize I would really love to just sit on this couch and zone out to the TV instead until I look up and see a few hours have gone by, resulting in nothing, piggy backed by guilt.  I’m sure the walk will change my perspective, and I will have an entire new flow of thought by the end...maybe even about the previously mentioned ideas.  Hopefully, I have allowed my mind to wander freely enough to gain focus when I need it tonight, working towards how I want to feel....free, open, accomplished, focused, energetic and relaxed.  Here’s hoping I do not continue to do the same things over and over expecting a different result....here’s to change....even if it’s one thing, or just one thing at a time.      

      

Movies that just may ruin my life........

When Harry Met Sally....Pride & Prejudice....Bridges of Madison County....Roman Holiday....Dirty Dancing..............................the list goes on I'm sure, but I've already grown tired of this game.

Everyone Needs a Pal

Soooo....I have been wanting to write again....a lot.  Yet, I do not write.  It's cool.  I will.  Maybe not online...but I will write.  I feel like I'm finally getting myself back a little bit.  It only took a month of no school.  Well, I've been going into the school and working, but on my schedule, not on school time.  Well...I know that I have allowed myself to get way out of shape...physically, mentally, spiritually, socially....and I am just now starting to reclaim all of that again.  In hopes of reaching out for the first time to get help getting into shape, a friend led me to myfitnesspal.com, and so far it has been a great resource for me :)  I highly recommend it.

Here is an excerpt from my opening blog, introducing myself as a new member:

So, I'm new to this fitness pal thing, but I'm not new to the struggle of staying in shape. I began work as a teacher in August and ended up working 70-80 hours a week. Fast food and soda became my comfort, as well as my source of sustenance...bleh. I turned 30 and my body totally freaked out. I have lost all my core strength, and done something I told myself I would never do (started buying clothes *gulp* in a bigger size). I have seen a few family members and friends get sick recently, and begin to battle with old age. I realize how lucky I am to have a body that is able and a mind that is sound (for the most part;). I have a great relationship with God and want to honor that relationship by taking care of this body he has blessed me with....even though it doesn't feel like a blessing right now. I want to be an example for my students, as well as my family and friends. I want to find changes that are lasting, and changes that help me to be true to the person God created me to be. I saw this in a book recently: A woman loved how happy, carefree, and confident her aunt seemed to be, even as a single 'old maid' as everyone called her. After her aunt's passing, the woman found a diary where her aunt shared how she remained so carefree. She said every day she makes sure that she 1. Does something for someone else 2. Does something for herself 3. Does something that needs to be done but she doesn't want to do 4. Does a mental exercise 5. Does a physical exercise 6. Says an original prayer that includes counting her blessings. 

I plan on following this and seeing where it takes me. 

I know this is going to take more discipline and patience than I would care to have to exude. However, I am a 'Go Big or Go Home' all-or-nothing kind of person. I have just been going big on the cheeseburgers and lazy Saturdays. Now it's time to go BIG on these 6 new expectations mapped out for me :) Wish me luck!!!!

Destination Affirmation

We'd like to think we don't need it...but when it comes...maybe we should take it.  I take the grief, the constructive criticism, and sometimes tend to be my biggest critic.  If I'm going to take ownership on those things...then it is also my responsibility to take in these moments, right?  Well...if I have to...  :)


Excerpt from a senior profile:


"I am very proud of what I have achieved here at Saginaw Arts and Sciences Academy. I am thankful for people like Mrs. Nash, Mrs. Gutierrez, and especially Ms. Cartwright for pushing me toward a better future. Ms. Cartwright has shown me a whole new world with brighter surroundings and happier endings. (I'm getting a lump in my throat right now.) I will always cherish my memories I have here at SASA."


Well...that's makes two of us...with a lump in our throat...

Pillars of Salat

I can feel the people around me relying on me to be a pillar of strength.  I accept the task and do not take it lightly.  God is caring for me so I can care for others.  I know I do not need to be more than what I am able.  Problem is, I am one to test limits, especially my own.  I know that with Him all things are possible.  If I am meant to be a pillar of strength, God will make it possible.  I just need to keep coming to Him.    


Right now, though, in this minute, I feel like a pillar of moldy mashed potatoes.  


If He can turn water into wine, surely He can give me strength to get through another day.  


God is good.  

Constant lies

I have been wanting to write for some time.  I never seem to have enough energy left to do it.  I do not have energy now, but I don't know what else to do.  I am sitting in the hospital room of my uncle...ahhh room 306.  I shall remember this room forever, I think.


He is restless tonight.  Lord, give him peace.  Let him sleep.  I watch him sleep and it frightens me and calms me.  I can't tell if I am scared, worried, detached, or worse.....I might have too much of an understanding of what exactly is taking place.  I recognize that in this bed lies the one constant male figure in my life. 


I am too tired to continue writing.  I can't sleep, but I can't really do anything else either.  So, I sit.