lacrimosa in lansing

8-23-08 east lansing 1:15am

i am so annoyed, and trying not to be, but it’s just festering inside of me. i wish i could sulk my way into whatever i wanted. you would think after so long you would start to act like a grown-up...maybe it’s me who needs to grow up. walking out of the room while rolling my eyes to let people know i’m annoyed is not a grown-up thing to do...

i need to re-direct my energy right now. they say “your present focus determines your present feelings”. i need to red-direct my focus...

i had a good weekend with the theatre festival. it makes me want to start a festival like this in saginaw. i really want to do this...

i have to follow through, though. it’s easy to say i’m annoyed at people that say they want a festival like this in saginaw, when i know they are just saying it in the moment to sound like they initiate things, but they really would not be willing to put any of the leg work into it. the truth is, though, i think i’m annoyed because that is actually an insecurity within myself. i’m afraid that i am all talk and not willing to do the hard stuff to see things through.

i find myself wanting to talk this over with someone, and that annoys me, too...i feel like there might be some understanding there, but i don’t think that’s necessarily true. my jealousy is insecurity, and nothing more.

i can’t believe sometimes the selfishness i see around me...but if i notice it so much, is that a sign that it’s time to reflect on the selfishness within me? the things i find so annoying in others...is it just something within myself that needs to be considered?

God, help me to be a better person. I want to be a better servant...a better giver...a better woman...a better friend. I want to be good. I don’t like feeling angry, annoyed, jealous, or cruel. I can’t even write...I erase it and start again...I just...I want to do the right thing. I want to be a good person. I want to glorify You, Lord....in word...but more in my actions...in my life. Your Grace and Mercy...Your goodness...that is what is important...help me to be more forgiving. I know that means You will probably put me in a position to have to forgive, but so be it. With You and Your Spirit within me, I can do all things, Lord...I am up to the challenge. Help me to work on me, and not be so concerned about what others say and do. Help me to listen for Your voice, and seek Your love in others, and give Your love to others, and concentration on nothing else...

Lord...I am blessed. Forgive me, Lord. Thank you for speaking directly to my heart in this moment and bringing me back to You. Nothing good happens without You. Thank you for all of the people in my life...every single one. I have learned so much, and yet I feel I have such a long way to go. Just when I think I’m making progress, I feel like I take two steps back.

Lord...help me to continue to move forward. Open my heart to Your possibilities. I want to work hard and give everything else to You. Whatever You have planned for me is much greater than anything I could come up with....make my dreams Your dreams, Lord. It hurts sometimes...but with You in it...I can’t lose. I love You, Lord. Forgive me...help me to forgive. You deserve more than me, Lord.

Mozart's Requiem-Lacrimosa (lyrics+translation)

insomnia blah

august 21, 2009 east lansing 3:16am

why do we always think that demeaning someone is funny? i do it just as much as everyone else...but why? do we get a little bit of satisfaction out of making someone look bad? is it insecurity on our part? are we trying too hard? are we not trying hard enough? i don’t know.

i’m in an apartment full of people and i feel completely alone. that is why i love to be alone. i don’t feel lonely when i’m alone. i often feel the loneliness when i am with other people. you would think after all this time, i would figure myself out enough to know why, but i don’t have a clue. sometimes i feel like they don’t know me...but that just sounds like teenage dramatics. maybe there’s a bit of truth to those teenage dramatics. maybe that’s why i can relate to teenagers so well. i believe them. i know what they’re feeling is real, no matter how foolish it sounds to the rest of us.

i want to be the best person i can be for the people in this apartment with me. i’m glad i have this time to myself, while they all sleep peacefully, to gather my thoughts and start over again. sometimes i need this time to gain perspective. i’m not perfect. i definitely make mistakes. i know my perspective can be off because it’s based on my emotions or ‘feelings’. instead of getting annoyed with them, and desiring to be alone, maybe it’s time to check into what i can do differently to make this situation better. there is always something i can do differently...better. i want to be better. i want to do the right thing. i can learn from this situation. i can learn something from each one of them. i desire to make them feel important...no matter what that means for me.

uh oh, the woe is me perspective is trying to creep in...what to do? do i write it out, so it’s out on paper, and i can see how ridiculous it all is in retrospect? do i squash it and not even allow it to completely form in my heart or mind? is it going to be there no matter what i decide to do with it? i don’t know what to do. what is the best option at this point? i want so badly to do the right thing. since it so often feels like i do the wrong thing, maybe it’s time to do the opposite of what i feel is right. i feel like i want to write it out and get it all on paper so it stops floating around my head. i will not do that...i will squash it before it has a chance to form. i think those thoughts are just an excuse for me to feel sorry for myself and to be annoyed or hurt by other people. i seem to be the most comfortable when i am in the pits and feeling sorry for myself. that is pathetic. it’s time to do something different. it’s time to move on in my mind and not even relish the thought of the woe is me attitude.

it’s time for me to close the computer and talk to God for a bit before, hopefully, going to sleep...it’s time for something different.

Girl 27

My palms are sweaty.  I sit here with sweaty palms.  I find myself a bit nervous...no...perhaps a bit...undefined?  Okay.  Undefined.  (Perhaps a bit unrefined, as well.)  Sometimes I love the beauty, angst, the flow of words.  And sometimes I feel they cheapen an experience or state of being, never quite being able to give proper credit to what is now.  That's why I think I love theatre so much.  It is a look, a voice, words, a picture.  It is raw.  Sometimes it's a facade...yet-you can still see what is underneath.  There's always an underneath.  You can never fully be who you are portraying...you are always somewhere underneath.  I don't think I've even come close to being.  I have acted, and I have reacted until it hurts.  I want to find someone until the underneath is blurred, and that person becomes part of the underneath forever.  I want to take the pieces and spread them out on the floor and begin to piece it together bit by bit.  I want to be a story, and not just tell it.  I suppose I don't want to ever fully be someone else's story, though.  It is not mine to be.  It belongs to someone else, doesn't it?  And I would want it to remain theirs...I would not want to cheapen their story because my ability can only take it so far. 

Who do I think I am?

Suddenly I feel very inadequate and selfish.  Who am I to think I should get on that stage and tell someone else's story?  I can't help it, though.  There's something within me that fights, stirs, does not rest...what do they call that?  Insatiable?  My insatiable appetite to be.  That sounds nice and dramatic. 

I am absurd.  Trouble is, I don't know how else to be.  No matter who I try to be, the underneath is always there.  The strangest part?  I like the underneath.  I like the raw, the ugly, the deep calm, joy at its truest form.  I like me at my truest form.  

I started this blog because I did not want my previous post to be the first thing someone saw if they chose to read my story.  When I find myself in a moment to write such babble as the previous post, it is just that, a moment, and then it's gone.  Such stuff.  People will draw their conclusions, I suppose.  Or, perhaps, people do not think about me as much as I would like to think they do.  We're all a bit too busy thinking about ourselves, yet we still manage to draw conclusions about others, don't we? 

I wish I were brave. 

I want to be brave.

You see?  A picnic planned today with old friends.  My heart and mind know there is some place I need to be, so they decide to trick me into contemplative melancholy.  A few years ago I might have succumbed and spent the day locked away in a tower of pretension...or perhaps I would just be still.   I am beginning to understand that sometimes (only sometimes) I would use those opportunities as an escape from the responsibilities of being social.  It is so much easier to sit in a tower than it is to plaster a smile on the ugly for a day, or have to constantly tell people that nothing is wrong...you just feel...content being calm.  Now, however, I have opened up enough to realize that I am not alone in the underneath...we all have it.  I can write for a piece, throw my hair into a ponytail, grab my flip flops, jump into my jeep, and use the ride over to find who I am today...no more plaster...the sticky-tape doesn't work well in the humidity anyway.  I choose to climb down from the tower and spend time today with people who bring me so much joy, and peace, and make me laugh until my face hurts.  

I never thought my story would have so many delightful encounters...   

    

Present-tense Inclination

Just write.

If you begin to type, it's amazing how the words begin to pour out...

or maybe not...maybe not this time...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I want someone to play with my hair

.

.

.

intertwine their fingers in mine

when they know I'm feeling insecure

.

just before I make my grand entrance

or perhaps 

.

just because

.

.

.

I want to talk about the shapes in the clouds

and straighten his tie

.

.

.

I want to sit on a bench in the garden

and read

.

pausing for a moment

to watch him mow the lawn

.

.

I want to feel safe

and loved

and..

.

.

I want old hands

and a young heart

.

.

.

.

I want to respectfully decline an offer to dance

with a handsome stranger

.

.

. 

because my heart is no longer my own

.

.

.

I want to close my eyes

.

and breathe

.

and wish again tomorrow...for something new.

I don't want to fall another moment into your...

I like to be alone.  I would love to say it's because I can then create and live, for a moment, in a different kind of reality that I have created just for me, but, I think it's more that the truth has a better opportunity to present itself to me when there is no one around to muck it up.  I'm not saying people muck things up for me.  I'm saying I tend to muck things up for me when people are around.  I don't know why. (I'm not trying to play the perpetual victim with that statement, or seeking affirmation.)  I don't need it right now, actually...affirmation.  I, also, don't have any desire to be a victim in this moment, either.  I desire...truth.

I heard it said once that if you're questioning your sanity then that means you're sane because insane people do not question their own sanity...uh-huh.  I don't believe myself to be insane.  I am human, and with that comes some pretty crazy shit.  The end.

I do, however, question my choices, sometimes.  I question how much I allow my emotions to drive the daily decisions I make.  I would love, at times, to be able to put my nose to the grindstone and do something I don't want to do to accomplish something I want in the long run.  What do they call that?  Discipline?  Ahh, self-discipline.  I feel like self-discipline has always played a cruel little trick on me my whole life.  Okay, maybe that's a little dramatic, but I feel like it taunts me, from somewhere just out of my reach, and the only reason I want it is because I can't have it.  Or maybe that's my lame excuse for not making the necessary changes to obtain it.  Maybe.  Maybe...it's a lot easier to sit here and whine about who I wish I was then it is to actually get off my butt and do something about it.  I like who I am more than I ever have before...but I must not become complacent and think that this is good enough.  Part of me thinks this is just fine, and knows I will grow and change with time and through experiences that are beyond my control...it's inevitable.  The other part of me thinks time is of the essence, and there's no time like the presence to get off my butt and get moving...even if I don't always know where I'm going, exactly.  Clean your room, do your homework, make some dinner, write a blog, take a shower, call your mother, pay your bills, go out and meet a nice man...why?  Why should I?  Because that's what everyone does...but why?  Why do you spend half the day thinking about what you should make or have for dinner?  Why do you go to a job and continually look for a better one?  Why do you make goals for a future you don't even know will happen?  How do you walk by people who are hurting and ignore them because you have things to do?  We all do it.  We all ignore people who might make us feel called to a different action than the one we are in the midst of in that moment.  Sometimes I wonder if I have the urge to drop what I'm doing and help because it might be easier than whatever I am responsible for in that moment.  As if helping is an escape for me rather than a necessity or intrusion.  It's easier to live poor because it weighs less.  Maybe that's what makes it right.  Maybe that's what makes it wrong.  Somewhere deep I know the answer...but it doesn't seem to stop me from asking questions.  

I have found myself in a different place in my mind than I thought I was when this writing began.  The desire for truth remains, however.  I do not want my emotions to guide me unless it is the truth...I have a sinking feeling that oftentimes I am deceived by my own feelings.  Ha.  The alone time allows me to separate it all out, and begin to piece it all back together in a way that makes more sense...well, to me, at least.  I know a lot of times people think I am...odd.  I'm sure I could throw a few more words in there, but for now, odd will work.  :)  I have tried to figure out what people wanted from me, and played the part as best I could.  I have also fought hard against it, and stuck out a metaphorical middle finger at the world through my actions, or inaction.  I have cared, and worked tirelessly to the point of exhaustion, and I have sat, detached, stubborn, and immobile.  I have woken up in the middle of the night, contemplating life.  I have gone through the motions, and I have slept soundly, knowing it all works out in the end.  Sometimes, I have gone through all of these things in the course of a single day.  Believe me, nobody knows better than me how...odd...I am.  I fight it...and embrace it...all the time.  

In the end, though...it's not really about me, is it?      

The Giver

I am sitting 

quietly

reading a book

glancing at the sky

as the clouds lighten with the rising of the sun

I find the constant murmur of the fan

mixed with the rain

comforting

Something is stirring within me

not discontentment

or discomfort

a gnawing agony

Or perhaps I'm just hungry

Secrets Don't Make Friends

i never know how to start these things.  

once i get writing, i can't really stop.  i rarely go back and edit or delete anything i have written, no matter how embarrassing, but i always sit in front of a blank screen for a while before i actually begin writing.  

sometimes, i am so out of the loop.  bob maul passed away two months ago, and i didn't even know he was sick.  i have been in old town and have stopped in the red eye a few times since he passed, and i still had no idea.  i noticed on myspace that the lawn chair film festival dedicated their season to him and thought that was odd, so i looked online and found an article about his passing.  i truly can't get a handle on how strange i feel about the whole situation.

i had so much swimming in my mind, and now it's just blank.  that happens all the time.  so many moments where i feel i need to write, and then i get in a position to be able to jot down a few things and my mind clears.

i have one more day of school...actually half a day.  my high school students are out for the summer.  my middle school students and i will be having fun in the morning, and then i need to finish packing and cleaning my classroom, finish tucking away and locking up everything in the auditorium, put in the last couple weeks of grades, figure out a supplies list and budget for next year, and turn in my keys.  it's all a little bittersweet, really.  however relieved i may be, i have a sense that there is a void.  i wonder if all the teachers feel this way at the end of the year.  it's probably because everything is so uncertain, my job, my summer, school, money, my future.  it's all kind of up in the air.  on wednesday i will wake up and literally have nothing to do.  well, that's not entirely true.  there is so much planning to do to get ready for next year, it's crazy really.  the theatre department at sasa is in shambles, and needs some serious revamping.  i'm excited to do it, but i have to stay on task to get it done in the next couple of months.  it's going to take some self-discipline to get to work when no one is on my case, or there's no deadline until august...not one of my strongest suits.  when i have the kids in front of me i know my job is to teach them, and have some fun in the process, while keeping everyone safe.  when they're not around i have the hardest time getting anything done.  

i think once my mind, and body, have a few days to rest, i'll be surprised how much clearer my thinking will be.  i also do better when the sun is out and the weather is warm.  i think i am more burnt out than even i could guess because of this crazy year.  

i was a bit...well, more than a bit disappointed when i didn't get a part in any of the shows i auditioned for, but now i realize it was a bit of a blessing in disguise.  i am free...unemployed, but free.  i tend to keep myself rather busy, and i can't believe i haven't committed myself to a million obligations this summer.  it was the hardest thing in the world to keep saying no, but i did it.  i actually said no...more than once, and to some pretty good opportunities.  however, they were opportunities that would have seriously wore me down, and i'm not sure how much more wearing i can take at this point.

i am just sitting here, staring out the window.  i know i should go for a walk, but all i really want to do is take a nap.  i should enter grades, or begin making a supplies list for next year.  i actually have no idea how i get through some of the administrative parts of being a teacher.  i truly don't have a clue what i'm doing.  you ever feel like you're a complete fraud, and any minute someone is going to figure it out and the veil will be lifted?  i feel like that all the time, with everything that i do.

that's my big secret.      

My Chicago

May 1, 2009

Somewhere on a highway outside of Chicago. 

I’m sitting on the charter bus with the students from SASA on our way back to Saginaw after a wonderful trip to Chicago. 

My favorite part of this trip was walking through downtown Chicago this morning as the sun was coming up and the city was beginning to wake up for the day.  The sun was coming up over the Lake, and the air was exceptionally clear for an early Chicago morning.  I enjoy watching all the people go through their daily morning routine, but I notice one thing.  There are a ton of people, but nobody is talking to anybody else.  Everyone is in their own little bubble, and nobody seems to mind.  I slowly burst the bubbles as I smile and wave at each passerby.  Some people take a second look as they walk away, almost pleasantly surprised or perhaps completely perplexed by the jaywalker with a  sunny disposition.  

egg whites and onions

a spoonful of sugar

clean streets

crisp sheets

class, sass, minimal grass

“a crow on lakeshore drive is unusual”

guess, express, forever 21

ferris wheel lit only by the rising of the sun

transplanted trees

hospitality that comes naturally

“we don’t open until 5” italian and a show

my Chicago

I could live in Chicago.  I could live anywhere and make the most of it, really.  It wasn’t always that way.  I moved around a lot.  It seemed every time I would stay in one place for very long I would begin to catch up with myself, and it wasn’t long before I would find a new place to roam.  What I slowly began to learn is wherever you go there you are.  Often it wasn’t the place that needed to change, it was me.  

There are a million thoughts circling the inner most parts of my mind.  The front part, however, that applies those thoughts, or at least puts them into a concrete location where they become tangible ideas, is completely relaxed.  I am inspired, somewhat rested, and content with sitting on the bus and doing nothing for the next four hours.  I’m sure I’ll feel differently about that in a couple of hours :)  

I do not want to write anymore.  I had some ideas and thoughts floating, but it seems they choose to stay where I cannot reach them for the time being.  I’m sure as I close up my computer and snuggle back into my seat, the thoughts will push to the front and swim around a bit more.  

walk on....

the shards of glass pierce my skin 

as i retrace my steps

i wince

but i do not cry

i am generally a crier

i am generally a lot of things

but today

today i do not cry

i put on my blue dress

the one with the criss-cross straps

and the single blue sash

i slide into my blue suede shoes

and i dance...

at the car wash...

i rest my head on my pillow, after finally giving up on trying to get grades in on time because the database we use has frozen completely, and a camper from this summer pops into my head.  i can't believe it.  i don't mind thinking of the campers from time to time.  it usually makes me sad, or makes me feel pretty lucky to have this able body and sound mind, and lucky to have the opportunity that i did this summer, working with the greatest people in the world.  

this particular camper was a middle-aged man in a wheelchair.  he had about 10% use of his legs, but he had full use of his arms and torso.  he was at the two-week long camp, and he was one of my favorites.  he loved the lake.  we would wheel him to the end of the dock, and lift him out of his chair and set him on the edge, take off his socks and shoes and let his feet dangle in the water. he loved sitting in that spot.  sometimes he would talk to the lifeguard standing near him on the dock.  sometimes that lifeguard was me.  it was difficult because we couldn't get too distracted...there were a lot of campers who liked to break the rules, or just didn't understand them.  this camper knew we still had a job to do and was very patient when we had to interrupt or ask him politely to let us observe without any distractions.  one day it was really slow on the water and he told me his story.

he was a young man when he had his accident.  he told me all about his firebird that he had...mint condition, all the bells and whistles.  it was a horrific accident, and he was lucky to be alive...he was driving too fast.  nothing was the same after the accident.  he was a factory worker, and took pride in working with his hands, but he had to leave his job.  he collected disability but never found anyone that would hire him.  all he wanted to do was work.

i remember when we had one of our fun workshop days, and one of the workshops i ran was a car wash.  we had a couple of hoses, some buckets and suds, and sponges and washcloths.  we pulled some of the staff vehicles onto the grass, including my jeep, and let the campers wash the cars.  they loved it!!  of course it became a huge water fight, which i will never forget...it was great!!  you should have seen the look on their faces...truly priceless.  we just laughed and screamed and soaked each other for an hour.  

this guy, though, didn't get into the water fight right away.  he couldn't wait to grab a sponge and a cloth and detail the outside of my jeep from top to bottom.  all he wanted to do was work. you should have seen the look on his face...truly priceless.  it moves me to tears just thinking about it.  you could tell he felt more joy in that moment than he had in a long time.  he felt like he had something to offer, and he was good at it.  he was reaching as far as he could from his chair to detail the tires, the windows, each nook and cranny.  i continued to compliment the work he did as he went, and he continued to work harder after each compliment.  he must have worked on my jeep for over an hour.  he joined the water fight for roughly five minutes, and then continued on to the next car and began the work again.  we let him stay out there and work on the cars for a couple of hours, but then it was time to clean up for dinner.

i'll never forget that day as long as i live.  

i don't know how i made it through this past summer.  i can't imagine being able to make it through another one.  the physical, mental, and emotional demands of that job were more than any other i've had before...and i've had some pretty demanding jobs.  i do know i will go back to the fowler center, even if it's just to help out for a couple of weeks.  they always seem to be short a few staff members.  there were a few campers during every camp that stole my heart.  i think i need to go back to find it again.

i wonder what's going on in that specific camper's life right now.  what are his days like?  did he ever find work?  what does he do to stay busy?  does he have people in his life who listen to him?  is he able to find things that bring him joy?  can he get around okay in all this snow, or does he stay cooped up all winter?  does he live alone?  

why do these things always enter my mind at midnight...when i have to wake up in five hours and be ready for a very busy day with the kids?  the truth is it's not just midnight when these campers enter my mind...it's all the time....when i'm driving, when i'm watching a movie, when i'm laughing with my friends, when i'm walking down the street...all the time.  i knew it would challenge me to work at the fowler center this summer.  i knew it would make me sad, but also cause me to think about things in a different way.  

i am different.  i was completely broken down this summer.  i find myself at a loss for words to describe what i feel when i think about the whole experience.  my heart aches, but seems to have a new understanding of the human condition at the same time.  i don't know.  it seems the more i understand, the more my heart breaks.  i think i just need some sleep.    

chalkboards and cheeseburgers

i keep telling myself that i need to begin writing about my adventures as a new teacher...imagining one day it will come together as that published novel that is on my ultimate to-do list that never quite gets written down but always seems to haunt me from some distant, untouchable area of my mind.  

the fact that i put that sub-conscious pressure on myself to be brilliant, insightful, and witty, shows me why i haven't written a word, even though i've been teaching for a solid eight weeks.  i do that all the time.  i want to be a good teacher.  i want to measure up to the miracle that God has laid before me...but that's why it's a miracle, right?  because i will never measure up to it, yet it's here just the same.  ah...pressure off.  (yes, it's often that easy for me...i just need a quick minute to jot down my thoughts and perspective creeps in and frees me from worry and strife over minor things that are often beyond my control.)

i think i have the instincts to be a good teacher.  when you are in theatre, or work with people, you begin to observe your surroundings, the way people behave compared to how they really feel, and the ripple effect that often determines a chain of events that end far from where the intentions of those involved began.  through those observations i have learned a lot.  i have seen what works, and often what does not, and i've seen things work out for many people taking very different paths to the same end.  it's all subjective.   

i often find myself thinking of writing a blog when i am confident, strong, and  happy.  i often find myself actually sitting down to write when i am feeling apprehensive, pensive, doubtful, and slightly melancholy.  the only reason i've found a pocket of time to write today is because my car is broken and the only other option is to clean, organize, or grade about a hundred papers for semester grades, or try to get out of the rut i find myself in with the middle school play that goes up in two weeks.  

i find myself wrestling today.  i can't figure out who my opponent is, and i recognize i'm secretly looking forward to the hand to hand combat.  i appreciate my relationship with God...He's not afraid to wrestle with me.  He's not afraid to show me exactly where i stand in the whole scheme of things.  He's not afraid to be who He is, no matter what I believe to be true about Him.  He's not afraid to stand before me in all His power and cry with me when i do not understand or, perhaps, begin to understand all too well.

why do i not write more often?  why do i allow the television, crappy food, fear, and mindless tasks to steal the best of me when times get tough?  it IS possible for me to organize my time and accomplish those things that will help me get closer to the person i want to be...it is the fear of knowing it is possible that often debilitates me.  it is not failure that i fear...it is accomplishment, acclamation, the after...the after of success...what comes next?  well...if i continue to allow mediocrity to define my effort, then i will never find out.  i get tired, often mentally and physically, to the point where i have sometimes closed my classroom door, shut off the light, and curled up with my coat on the floor behind my desk and closed my eyes, because i do not know what else to do.  

the more i succeed...the more i accomplish...the more awards i receive...the more uncomfortable i feel.  it's not a lack of understanding or appreciation...quite the opposite, in fact.  the older i get, and the closer i get to who i want to be...the less things i'm finding to complain about.  for some reason that also makes me uncomfortable.  you know, if i was reaching out to others and giving, like i should be, i do not think i would be so uncomfortable with the blessings God has bestowed upon me.  it is my selfishness that is causing some discomfort lately.  my need for "things", my desire to be accepted, invited, and applauded by every person around me, and my insatiable appetite for the "quick fix" or perfect cheeseburger:)  have subconsciously become priorities.  

how do i always get here?  it is often when things are good that i begin to slip.  it is often when i am uncomfortable that i begin to sabotage myself slowly by subconsciously changing my priorities.  it is often after i cannot even stand being with myself that i figure out what's happened, and sit down in a moment like this to wipe the slate clean and start over.  the slate can never truly be wiped clean, though, can it?  do we really want to wipe it clean, or is it better if a little trace of every choice, season, conversation, and milestone are present as we continue to write our stories?

i use the chalkboard at school every day.  often, after i erase the words from the day before and begin to write material for a new day, the residue from yesterday is still readable up close.  we can never erase what has happened.  many christians would disagree...but the truth is the  consequences, how we have affected others, and our own memory often leave a slight remnant of who we were in the writings of who we are, and cannot be ignored when determining who we want to be.  i have learned to love that old, dusty chalkboard.          

In Her Shoes

"Without her...I don't make sense."

The above quote is from the movie "In Her Shoes"

It's exactly how I feel about my little sister.

old hands

old hands

reach out to no one

holding fast 

to the dark that enshrouds

the inevitable

so many years

life, loss, love

the end is so long

so quiet

why is it so quiet?

we work

we plow

we sow

we sew

the world keeps moving

old hands reach out to no one

holding fast

to the dark that enshrouds

the inevitable...

Sunglasses

staring out the window i can see the colors of the leaves change my heart beats fog gathers on the window with every breath the glass feels cool against my skin as i trace a picture in the fog from my memory a sun with a smile wearing a tie and glasses sunglasses to protect him from himself i would buy a pair of glasses but i always break them or lose them they never quite fit my face.

shoe strings and lollipops

i hate "when harry met sally"...i hate harry...and i hate sally...

which is a shame, because i love meg ryan and billy crystal. 

friends aren't always meant to be together.  

really.  i always thought that they were because of stupid movies like this one...but it's not true.  (big sigh)...it's a brilliant phone scene...you know, after they sleep together and they each call their best friends, who happen to be married.  excellent move by the writers to have that scene...well played by the director...but i'm getting distracted...  

i thought maybe, if two people were friends, eventually they were meant to be together, (especially when everyone you know is pushing for you to be together...and assuming that you've already been together, even though you haven't), and it was only just recently i realized how untrue that is, and how jaded i've been from stupid movies like this one (almost screwing up perfectly good friendships because of such jaded-ness.)  two friends show up by themselves at a wedding years later, and end up sitting by each other...you might think it's meant to be...but i know that is not the case, and he knows that's not the case...but everyone else seems to be just as jaded as i used to be.  i know.  i used to be so sure, and now, sitting here, watching this movie, i realize...i don't know a damn thing...thank goodness.

i was in damons getting a drink (if you ever want to meet a successful single man, go into damon's on a thursday night.)  it was flattering, the attention i received, especially since i was in sweatpants and no make-up, but really dis-heartening as well...because they don't even know me.  they see a girl interested in the colorado/west virginia game, drinking a beer, and they want to marry you.  they don't know that i am indecisive, loud, sometimes irrational, and often incomprehensible.  they just see a young, blonde chic drinkin' and watchin' the game, and thinking (maybe because of stupid movies they have watched, as well) that we might be destined to be together...or maybe, they just want to know my name...and i'm the one that's giving myself too much credit assuming the rest.  

(oh great..."pure country" is on cmt.   that's another one of 'those' movies.  it has my favorite song in it...at the end, of course...when the star-crossed lovers end up together because he sings "cross my heart" to her, while she sits in the front row of his awesome las vegas concert...i think.)

i'm not as bitter, or cynical, or jaded as i sound.  believe it or not i am feeling pretty confident, and secure, and relieved.  i am relieved because i see it now...i see how wrong i was, and am, and probably will be, because of movies like these.

i just recently had my ten year reunion...yes, my high school reunion, thank  you very much...and i saw a man...who i thought was my soulmate when i was sixteen.  

seriously.  i do appreciate him as a person, don't get me wrong...but i kissed him...of course i did...hello?!  it was fun...until, mid-kiss, when he professed his love for me.  he told me he loves me, he's sure of it, he's always loved me...

oh, crap.  

suddenly kissing wasn't as much fun.  (you'll have to forgive me if this is a little choppy and...well, awkward...i've had some champagne, and i am an awkward person...cheers...so i'm going to tell this story as is, and probably allow it to be published and remain on my blog...however embarrassing it might be in the morning...because it must be coming from some place honest within me.)  suddenly...i felt a burden...a burden to be honest about what feelings i don't have, and haven't had for a long time.  the funny thing is, it didn't seem to sway him one way or the other...as if he thought i was denying myself the truth of the matter...when the truth of the matter was i couldn't wait to get back to camp and forget about what had just taken place.

i'm tired of my unavailable friends offering availability to me, if i were to be so inclined...that just makes me sad, and happens more often then anyone would care to know.  i'm tired of everyone trying to set me up with their son, or grandson, or godson, simply because i am old and unattached.  really?  am i not a whole person because i don't have somebody to 'share my life with?'...um...news flash...i share my life with a lot of people...but, mostly, i share my life with God.  why is that not enough for others?  

a friend of mine said that the ladies at his church told him he needs to meet a nice girl with good credit...ha.  i don't want someone to save me.  i want to save myself.  i would like to know i can do it on my own before someone else comes along who can do it for me.  i want to know that i succeeded, and made good choices, for me.  therefore, i shouldn't be surprised i haven't met that guy i'm going to spend the rest of my life with...because i'm still making some idiotic choices...

maybe when i start making some really good choices, that's when i'll meet mister right...maybe it's that very thought that keeps me from making good choices....

maybe...it's time to get under the covers and appreciate how far i've come...and appreciate movies like this that make me smile...but don't define my life, or gauge my decisions any longer. 

 

maybe, i'm doin' just fine..just me and God.  

just me and God - i like the sound of that....

 

Home of the Free?

This was an excerpt from one of the many postings after the craziness that was going on outside the RNC...I'm sure we won't be seeing it on the Fox News Channel anytime soon: RNC 2008: I was arrested after filming this video . The cops fired flash grenades, herded us onto Marion bridge and arrested us I went downtown to St. Paul in order to get some pictures and observe the situation (I already protested on Monday), but John Ireland Bridge was blocked by the police with dump trucks when I got there. The cops said there was a bomb threat to the Minnesota Historical Society, but that was quite clearly a lie since they were standing so close to it and they'd already closed the other bridges as I found out later. So I went over to the capitol on foot using the Marion Street Bridge instead. I saw more cops than protesters. The cops had the city in a headlock. All the other bridges were closed by the police; cops, BCA agents and national guardsman were everywhere. St. Paul was on fucking lockdown. By the time I found out how totally heavy-handed the police presence was I was getting tired and decided to split. I was trying to get back to my car on the other side of the Marion street bridge when I saw a group about 200 protesters approaching the bridge. That's why I'm walking against the flow at the beginning of the video. Unfortunately I was too busy trying to get good footage and didn't notice the cops had surrounded us on all sides. Soon the police started firing flash grenades, smoke bombs and generally scaring the shit out of me and all these peaceful protesters. We were corraled onto the bridge where they told us we were all under arrest, but not before all of us were shellshocked by the overwhelming police response. Notice how none of the protesters resisted or attacked the cops in any way. This is ironic because we were charged with "resisting a lawful order" along with the 1st amendment-killing crime of "presence at an unlawful assembly. " Whatever happened to the right of people to peaceably assemble? We are not free; The Bill of Rights is no longer operative. If you aren't reading this from jail that simply means the cops haven't bothered to arrest you on trumped up charges yet. They can clearly do exactly that whenever they want, with no repercussions. I wasn't even part of the protest and I was charged with being part of an "unlawful assembly. " The whole arrest process took hours. We were told to sit and put our hands on our heads, which many people had to do for several hours (your arms get sore). I was cuffed after an hour or so and stood around for another hour waiting to get my mug shot (on the bridge; this was all very ad hoc). Since we were on the bridge for so long they eventually hauled at least 3 porta-potties onto the bridge itself, for both police and protester usage (under heavy guard, of course). Eventually I was led onto a city bus with 40 other arrestees and brought to the Ramsey County jail for booking. They searched me about 5 times, confiscated all my stuff, and gave me a paper bag with a peanutbutter and jelly sandwitch and two apples. See, even oppressive police tactics have a Minnesota Nice aspect. Of course we didn't get knives so we had to spread the jelly and PB with our fingers. Hours dragged by as we waded our way through the bureaucracy and were eventually cited and loaded onto a paddywagon and driven out of the jail. They let us out just outside the fences and we were free -- and on our own far from where we were arrested, but at least the incredibly awesome Coldsnap Legal Collective were there to offer us hugs and access to free legal advice. People without rides or places to go were able to sleep on the grass outside the jailhouse thanks to sleeping bags the Coldsnap folks brought. Somebody sent the angels last night; they're doing great work and need your support! The problem with good things is that the police like to infiltrate and ruin them from the inside. That might've been the case with the protest last night. I heard several people talking about police plants -- agent provocateurs pretending to be protesters, inciting violence and keeping their superiors informed about where they are headed. Unfortunately, this is standard practice for police departments these days, including Denver during the DNC. How many acts of vandalism and violence that you read about in the mainstream media were actually committed by undercover cops in order to incite and defame activists? Imagine the embarrassment of the police and governments if they held a convention with massive protests and no one was arrested! They'd have spent millions upon millions of dollars for nothing! They've got to earn their outrageous security budgets, which is why they were so keen to arrest anybody who happened to be near Marion St. Bridge last night, including media folks and medics (at least 5 were arrested, along with a dozen credentialed photographers). Of course they also wanted to show who's boss. Clearly they are, and clearly they are not going to allow us to change the system peacefully or otherwise. We are not free. We are only permitted to do what they let us; truly free expression is verboten. Believe it or not, America used to be a pretty anything-goes society as long as it wasn't overtly violent (think of the Old West). Nowadays we cling to our police state as if that makes us safer. But what have we lost in the process?

i have missed writing. i have missed a lot of things that i didn't realize i was missing until i got the chance to do them again. usually you don't realize how much you love something until it's gone..with me, it's the opposite that's true..i don't realize how much i miss something until i get to do it again. i missed writing. i missed sleeping. i missed getting my laundry done. i missed alone time to let my mind wrap itself completely around a thought only to come full circle after the bazillion interruptions that enter my brain and actually get to realize a full conclusion to the initial thought. i know that sounds insane, but it's seriously what my mind does during my alone time. i missed conversations with God. i missed walking, reading, and spending quality time with my family and friends. i missed that feeling i get when things are really good, that fear that envelops me and tells me it's not going to last, that something horrible must be waiting in the wings. it's a terrible feeling, and i have had to remind myself a gazillion times tonight that things are far from perfect and i should enjoy this moment, this evening where i get to breathe and relax and dream about the possibility of what is around the corner, instead of dreading that it could be catastrophic. i just finished watching "little black book". i was sitting in the attic, in the dark, on molly's grandmother's couch, and watching one of those movies that is one of your favorites but you kind of forget about it when people ask you what your favorite movie is... at commercials, i would flip back and forth between wwe wrestling and the national spelling bee. now, i am flipping back and forth to a website that keeps me updated on the piston's game. just to let you know...they're up 70-65. go pistons! i tell you all of this because it has truly been a good night. i went on a nice bike ride, after finding out i was not needed at work, and sat at my usual spot by the river for a while. i didn't waste any money, well, partly because i don't have any, and i didn't eat a bunch of crap-food. i'm actually partly listing these things off, i think, to remind myself what a good night, for me, entails. so many times i think i know what i need, based on how i feel, and i follow the wrong instinct. is it possible to follow the wrong instinct? i guess, what i have found is, i can never really go wrong by spending some quiet time, alone. however, it is a balancing act, because you can begin to withdraw from society and people in general just because it's easier. i do the best when i have managed to plan out some time during the week to spend with my family, whether it's my nephew's ball game, or a morning spent with my mom, both of which i have had this week. i also do well when i spend some time with someone i truly care about, and who knows me well, or has seen me on one of my not-so-good days and still wants to be friends with me. i have some amazing people in my life who i don't get to see very often, but each time i do it's quality. okay...i have begun rambling now, so i'm going to check out before it becomes one of co's crazy blah, blah, blahs. it's a great night, and i'm going to enjoy the rest of it.

Final Curtain Call

Today is my last show at SVSU. I say, "Amen". My mom cannot make it to the show. I haven't heard from her at all. No phone call...nothing. I know it's because she feels bad, but is that really the way to handle it? Bless her heart, she's never been the best at handling these kind of situations. My brother and sister are coming today, but they cannot be here until intermission. I told them it's no big deal, and it really isn't, it's a 3 hour show and I'm barely in it. They will be here for my final curtain call, and that's all I really care about with this show. Watching everyone at the meet and greet with their families, I realize I don't have a relationship with any aunts and uncles, or other distant relatives. We don't have any 'friends of the family', and my grandma, whom I talk to once every few months, lives in Colorado near my father who wants nothing to do with me. I have a big sister who also wants nothing to do with me, who has three amazing kids, but lives in Iowa. Every once in a while I get down about it, especially when I see everyone else with gobs of people at every show. But, seriously, then I get over it and realize I am extremely lucky to have the people in my life who want to be part of it, and I need to get over myself anyway and just go on living for God, not for others. It didn't end like I thought it would, my journey here at SVSU, and it's not even really over. It's hard to watch everyone that's graduating get ready to truly be done. I have $20 in my bank account, and I think my job might end next week because I cannot afford to sign up for spring classes. I need to finish my senior project and take one communications course to graduate. I haven't had time to really figure any of this out, because I'm just trying to figure out what's right in front of me. I want the Tony Awards to be fun for everyone, and still manage to make it fun for me, and I want to finish strong in my classes, plus fare well in the last scene I will ever be in for someone else's final grade. I want the benefit for the house to succeed, and to put out a relatively decent newsletter. I want to get in shape for my high school reunion in July, and have some sort of plan in place so I can tell people I'm actually doing something with my life. But, who cares about that last one really? I just...I'm so sick of people asking me what I'm going to do...what my plans are...I'm so sick of the look on their faces when I tell them I can't afford school and am confused about my plans...when I'm just trying to find a way to finish. I would love to just concentrate on getting through the next two weeks, but it looks like I will need to find a job before that time is up...preferably in the next week. Aaauuughhhhhhhh! I'm really behind on house stuff and I'm not really sure how to catch up, or make up for my lack of attention the past couple of weeks. There will be no newsletter until after the benefit, but I need to send out a flier for the benefit, however, I'm still in need of something to fill more time during the show, I think. I don't even know what's going on with it, to tell you the truth. I went in to see the people who own the venue where we are supposed to be having it, and I got the brush off again, with a promise that they will call me...no call. I have been in to see them, or have called them about 15 times in the last two weeks. I really can't concentrate on this benefit until my finals are done, but I have to if we want it to succeed. I wish we would not have planned one for May, but it's too late now, the ball is rolling. A woman came back into town who used to live in the house, and she was ready to jump on board and help out. Unfortunately, the poor girl, her father was in a car accident and passed away last week. The funeral was on Saturday. It's been a few months since I've been to a funeral where you can just feel everyone's heart breaking in the room during the service. It was excruciating, and enlightening at the same time. I love and hate funerals. It was great to see some old friends of the house again. I miss all of them...the house just isn't the same without them. It's a shame that that whole group no longer comes around...mostly because of one person. My mind and my heart are all a jumble right now. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I didn't have my relationship with God. Most of the time I feel like it is just Him and me. Maybe I just need a good cry and then I need to just get over myself. For now, I will memorize my lines for the scene, show up for my final performance, help tear down the set, study for my exam tomorrow, go home and attempt to make a flier, and continue to put one foot in front of the other until it's time for bed. Then I will wake up and put one foot in front of the other again, appreciating every God-given moment I can...knowing He's working it all out for His glory and walking beside me.

short term.

all i wanna do is run. usually that means i'm almost finished with something, but not quite there. i sometimes wonder if i'm a procrastinater because there is no pressure involved to succeed that way. if i can tell everyone i did something at the last minute, then nobody expects anything great, right? sometimes, though, i have to just wait until it appears in my head, whatever it is that's due. i've been known to do my best work when i was supposed to be working on something else. i am a coward. yet, sometimes i have been known to be the strongest person i have ever met. when met with adversity, i rise. when the going is breezy, i get tossed by the wind pretty easily. i do not have enough money to pay for my last couple of classes. i find myself a bit relieved deep down. what a great excuse not to finish, right? nobody expects money to appear out of nowhere. i'm not afraid of finishing. i'm not afraid of not finishing. i always wonder, so what? if i get out of school when i am three credits away from finishing, so what? if i finish and move on, so what? if i become famous, so what? if i move to africa and the world forgets about me, so what? so what? i've always been very good at living in the moment. that usually means i don't make very many plans. i am okay with that, for the most part. every once in a while it would be nice to take a small trip, see old friends, or have enough money to help my family...things that usually take planning. those things are never incentive for me to stick with anything for the long haul, though. i wish there were a job out there where i could go into a place, company, non-profit, church, etc. that needed a face lift, and i would come in and organize and motivate and get the place on its feet...then i would leave after putting people in place to continue the upward climb, and i would continue on to the next adventure. i don't like seeing the same people every day. i've always thrived when meeting a new group, whatever the circumstances. that's why i can't picture marriage working out for me. it wouldn't take long for my vegabond heart to grow restless. i am so thankful i cannot run away from God...and that God isn't boring. i am a short term girl.

i believe in miracles.

I have no desire to see anybody I know today. Isn't that weird? I don't mind strangers. In fact, I have caught myself being even more friendly than usual. I am in love with people, in general, today. I was told once that your present focus determines your present feelings. I have found that if I'm not focused 100% on God...staring straight at Him and nothing else, it all feels a bit muddled. When my heart looks fully on Him, everything calms to a whisper, and my heart beats a melody of peace through my veins. Honestly, it is the only thing that makes me feel truly at home. I didn't go to the hospital today. Maybe I should have, but I don't think it was necessary. There are just days where my heart feels heavy, and my feet won't move. I don't think the hospital has anything for a heavy heart and lead feet. My throat is unusually swollen, and my temperature has been fluctuating all day, but I know my tonsils are unusually large, and I'm probably having hot flashes. I didn't go to the hospital today. I went to the movies. I can't believe I'm outing myself, but I'm tired of making excuses. Making excuses all the time grows tiresome.