September 7, 2009 4am
I have been sitting here wide awake for the past hour. I should have grabbed my computer and started writing as soon as I knew I was wide awake, but I felt like I was too tired to actually do anything but lie here in submission as my mind wandered. I did have the chance, however, to allow my thoughts to revolve around enough in my head to come up with tangible solutions and conclusions.
I found myself thinking about the theatre department at SVSU. I went around and around with different things in my head concerning the department, and then I realized I couldn’t control any of the things that I was allowing to rule my thoughts. Also, a lot of those things do not even affect me anymore, so why do I care? Why do we spend so much time thinking and wondering, or perhaps even worrying, about things we cannot even control? I wonder if it’s easier to think about those things because it is not in our scope of responsibility to act on those thoughts, due to the fact that we cannot control it. If I had been thinking about something I could control, or should, such as my own theatre classroom and/or plays, then I would be compelled to actively do something about it.
I had gone around and around in my head, and then I just stopped. I wanted to know why it all was so important to me. Why was I concerning myself with things that no longer concerned me? I realize now it began before I graduated. I think “Sideman” auditions put it all into perspective, but in a way that caused me to become almost desperate to perform again. Then ACTF was such an exhausting week, but rewarding and well worth the ride. I took my class to watch “Gooney Bird” and found myself appalled at my own colleagues and friends. Then “Camelot” came, eh, and soon I found myself sitting in the audience more times than I was standing on the stage, and it began to eat away at me a bit. I decided to audition again, and I knew “Gin Game” would be the perfect show to sink my teeth into and challenge me in all the right ways. I had read the show a couple times last year and loved it. However, things really didn’t go my way with that one, and I found myself completely disappointed in the system, and in my own priorities. Then another great role came along with “Bug”, but I found myself disappointed again, and a little surprised that I didn’t even get a nod for the supporting role. Suddenly I became almost desperate to find a way to perform again. I didn’t feel like a whole person. Something big was missing, and it became more than just about performing. The door was being continually shut in my face, and the more it happened, the more desperate I became. I believe it became the most apparent, to me, during the “Great Books” audition. Suddenly it wasn’t about performing at all, but more about being chosen. It affected my audition, it affected my teaching, and it affected the way I felt about myself. Nothing should have that much control over a person. So maybe it was all a blessing in disguise. The hardest part was when people would come up to me so often, privately, and tell me that they thought I should’ve had each of those parts. It happened with every single one of those shows. It made me feel good to hear people say that, but it also began to hurt a little, too. If so many people thought I should be chosen, then why wasn’t I chosen? Were they just saying it to be nice? Was I being narcissistic in thinking I should be chosen? Are the director’s playing favorites? Was the person who was chosen just better? Was me not getting the part actually saving me from making a poor choice given my circumstances at the time? Am I just making excuses to make myself feel better?
I got over it, all of it, and chalked it up to another one of life’s lessons. It all happened for a reason, and I am a better person because of it. I hope. I find myself going that direction in my mind again this morning, though. I imagine people probably think it’s time for me to let go, especially since I have graduated. I completely agree. However, I am committed to being in this area for another year, at least, and SVSU is the only place around here that has shows in the summer. If I like to perform, why shouldn’t I audition for shows? I understand it’s educational theatre and the people who are active theatre majors should get priority, but I am an active theatre education major. Why is that different? I understand it is different. I feel different. With all that happened in the past six months, I realize I do not desire to be part of it anymore. I found myself, lately, desiring for somebody to choose me for their partner for ACTF this year. Last year was such a big year for me, especially at ACTF, why would I need to keep going? I wonder if it’s becoming more about being chosen again. The more I realize people aren’t even considering me as an option the more desperate I have become. Man, that is just sad. It’s cool...I know it’s sad, I can say it. Maybe now I understand a little bit why an athlete doesn’t retire at the height of their glory, but rather stays a little too long, in some people’s view, because they love the game. Why should they retire? They. love. the. game. Let them play...who cares.
You would think getting the door slammed in my face this many times in a row would deter me from performing, especially since I have so much going on with teaching and directing and everything else. I wish. I think it would be easier if it had...but here I am awake in the middle of the night the day before school is slated to begin, and I’m not even thinking about school. I realize that I have been cast off by my own department, and I understand it, to a point. I am not going to continue to try that avenue if I know the door has been closed. It would be silly to keep fighting for something I’m not so sure I want anyway. It’s time to branch out and see what I’m really made of, what I can really do without the safety net of the department. I know that means it might be a little bit before I get to perform again, but that just means I use this time in between to prepare for the challenge. I refuse to go out there unprepared. I’m glad it’s in my hands now to figure out what I need and to go out and get it. I guess it has always been in my hands, but I was so busy trying to be chosen for the things that were happening now, that I kind of forgot to prepare for the things that I wanted to happen later.
Well, after this crazy roller coaster ride through my thought process, it looks like I have twenty four hours to come up with a syllabus, classroom rules and expectations, audition schedule, and lesson plans for the week. Time has run out...it’s time to get some coffee and get to work :)
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