Why Am I (Not) Crying?

It’s amazing the reactions we have to certain events.  Sometimes I have a bigger reaction than what is probably called for, other times I stay even steven under pretty tragic circumstances. 

My brother has cancer.  It hasn’t been diagnosed through a biopsy, that is the next step, but it’s pretty clear.  It is on the lymph nodes in his lungs, both lungs.  The doctors won’t give a prognosis, or entertain any treatment options, until the biopsy is complete.  I found this out yesterday while I was at work.  I haven’t cried or anything.  It’s weird.  It’s like I’m in this focused business mode or something.  I feel a bit relieved knowing what we’re looking at…the waiting was eating away at me.  We can now look at each other, hold on, and move forward with the next step.  It is what it is, and we’re all choosing to take it in stride and move forward.  My brother has been my buddy since I was born.  We had some years in there where he was off the map and I had to move on with my life, but now he needs us, all of us, and we all realize how much he means to us.  I hate that it sometimes takes something like this to remind everyone what’s important.  We have had some pretty tragic circumstances in my family over the years.  We haven’t always come through it as a strong unit, or figured out how to really be there for each other, but we did the best we could.  This might turn out to be the best and worst thing that’s ever happened to us.    

My brother-in-law (my older sister’s husband) has been diagnosed with heart failure.  They have three kids.  The oldest turns thirteen this week.  It’s strange, because my brother is up and walking around and feeling okay most of the time.  He has been struggling with heart issues for the past year, but a diagnosis of heart failure was a shock, to say the least.  I found this out on Friday, via text message.  My family and I have to really get better at this communication thing.  They are, naturally, seeking out a second opinion, because it all doesn’t really match up.  Again, we’re taking things in stride, and getting through one step at a time.  I talked to my older sister on the phone last night to get more information and let her know exactly what is going on with Jeff, our brother.  That’s the longest conversation her and I have probably had in five years.  It brought about mixed feelings after we talked.  I didn’t cry or anything again, though.  I’ve always had this little sister syndrome where I just really want her to like me, and I’m not sure she ever has.  I realize now that I just need to be myself and be there for her the way I would with anyone else…no strings attached.

I stopped by two different houses last night in my quest to find a new place to live.  I was nervous, for the first time, about jumping out there on my own.  I’ve never been nervous about that in my life.  Okay, I’ve always been nervous about that, but I’ve never let it deter me.  Lately, I’ve been feeling deterred.  But, I know I want to live in this city and make it work.  They both had some cool people living there, and had good and bad about them, as is expected.  The second one looks very promising, for a number of reasons.  I skipped down the sidewalk and got into my car after the second house, and suddenly the reality hit me of what this means, and I began to cry.  I realized that it’s real.  I’m really moving out of Jay’s house.  Talking about it is one thing, but physically carrying your stuff out the door and giving back the key is another.  He is moving on, which is exactly what I hoped and prayed for.  We still love each other very much.  I have a great deal of respect for him, and couldn’t say a bad thing about him.  It just wasn’t a match.  I saw it before he did, and just made the first move to rectify it.  I have learned a ton about relationships, and myself in relationships, because of him.  You know, I wish love were enough.  I wish two great people meeting and liking each other was enough.  There is so much more involved than that, and I know that now.  He is still broken hearted, but he is also having fun and going out on dates, and has actually met a pretty fantastic girl.  I am considering doing the same (going out on dates, that is), have attempted it, but I’m not quite there yet.  I became more emotional about this last night than anything else.  I’m sure it was everything mixed together that put be in a vulnerable state, but it was just strange to have such a strong reaction to one and not the others. 

I realize now why my reactions were so different.  I am choosing to move.  I did not choose for my brother to have cancer.  I did not choose for my brother-in-law to have heart problems.  I did not choose this relationship, or lack thereof, with my sister.  I am choosing to leave a relationship with a great man and move into a different house.  Last night, I just wanted to run into the house and tell him I’ve changed my mind about everything.  I know that wouldn’t be right.  I know what we are doing now is right.  I know I have to move out, even though I absolutely love living in his house.  I feel safe there.  Unfortunately, I feel so safe that I have become stagnant.  I know, deep down, this is the only way we can truly move on and ‘move up’.

God is going to work through all this for the betterment of me and my family.  It is with that confidence that I continue to put one foot in front of the other, look up when the going gets rough (or I just want to say thank you or have a chat with the Big Guy), and smile.  Okay, so today the smile is not happening so much.  I will allow myself the luxury of not forcing a smile.  Forced smiles are so…bleh.  It’s like your face doesn’t match because your eyes are saying one thing and your mouth is saying another.  My eyes already don’t match (thank you God for two different eyes…hilarious), so I don’t need to add any more awkwardness to my face.  People ask me how I’m doing, more as a greeting than having any understanding of what’s going on in my world right now, and I say ‘You know, right now, not so great, but in a few minutes I’ll be better, and maybe I’ll have another sad moment later today, and then I will feel better again.  Thank you for asking.’  I see their reaction and realize they appreciate the honest answer, and usually nod and smile, a real smile.  I appreciate a real smile right now.  A hug wouldn’t be so bad, either.  I tend to stay away from hugs.  They tend to bring out that emotional part of me when I least expect it.  I think I would be okay with that right now.